The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  “Maybe. And if you come up with a good idea you should let me know.”

  “I will. That gives me something to think about while I’m away.”

  Lilith’s hand searched his. “I’m going to miss you.”

  14

  Lilith stood still for a while to inhale the scents carried on the wind. Ghalatea had sent her to the entrance of the palace to sweep the floor. The wind kept blowing the dirt back, but that didn’t bother Lilith. It was nice to look out through the open doors and to smell the blossoms.

  The mild weather had a positive effect on the people passing by. They all greeted her and some of them even stopped to have a chat.

  Then she saw Ferhdessar. He was having a heated discussion with the man walking beside him. The stranger had a pointed nose and short, white hair that stood in all directions as if he’d been out in the wind too long. He wore a uniform that resembled the one worn by the guards in the palace, only his was grey blue.

  “Lilith, this is Anukasan. He’s a friend of mine,” Ferhdessar said when they had reached her.

  The man gave her an inquisitive look with his golden eyes. They were so bright that they seemed to be emitting light. Then he took hold of her hand and planted a quick kiss on it. “Lilith, at last we meet.”

  Ferhdessar explained, “Anukasan is also a shapeshifter. He is descended from the race of eagle shifters.” That got Lilith even more interested.

  “Who could have thought that I would actually get the chance to meet you? I’m here on business, but Ferhdessar mentioned your name and I instantly knew that you were the girl whom I’ve been searching for such a long time. There’s much that I want to tell you.”

  They went to the Great Hall to find a place to talk. In one of the corners a harpist was playing. Anukasan and Lilith could only see part of the instrument from the alcove where they had retired to, but Lilith was intrigued by the hands that now and again entered her field of vision.

  “Your mother used to play the harp. She was very good at it and many prominent people invited her to come play for them.”

  “You know my parents?”

  He nodded. “I met them shortly after you were taken from them. Not many people knew you were a shapeshifter, but I can proudly say that I can find most children of shapeshifters. Your parents didn’t know for sure whether you were a dragon child either, because you inherited your gift from your grandmother. She was a dragon woman who married a human. Their son didn’t have the power to change and he also married a human. They had one daughter, which is you. Your father is called Almor and your mother’s name is Ludmilla.”

  “Are they still alive?”

  Anukasan slowly shook his head. Lilith started to shiver. Ever since she had told Chrys invented stories about her family, she had been hoping to see her parents again one day. But now that hope flew right out of the window.

  Anukasan pulled her against him to comfort her. Lilith felt his hands rub along her back, but it only made her grief worse. By acknowledging her emotions, he permitted her to feel the pain.

  “I promised your parents that I would try to find you. But I never managed to discover your whereabouts, and I lost track of them. Your parents were grief-stricken because of the loss of their daughter. Your mother never touched her instrument again. Your father used to be a respected member of society, but he became listless. People accept that for a short while, but in the long term they expect you to get on with your life. Your parents weren’t able to do that. They never stopped loving you until the day that they died.” Anukasan abruptly stopped talking.

  Lilith asked, “How did they die?”

  His reluctance to answer her question scared her. Nevertheless, she wanted to know, she had to know! She grabbed his shoulders and gave him a rough shaking. “What happened to my parents!” Her voice pierced the room.

  There was another brief silence. When Anukasan cautiously looked into her eyes, he saw her threatening gaze. He swallowed away the lump in his throat. “Your parents must have suspected what had happened to you. And your master must have known that your parents had moved. They had gone to Tewarsum.”

  The news hit her like a rock. Her fists were still clenching the fabric of his clothes and she fell back against him. Her short scream sounded like the cry of a wounded animal. She made no other sounds, but everybody looked in their direction. Even the music stopped. Anukasan had gone numb and didn’t move.

  The devastating truth had instantly struck Lilith. If her parents had moved to Tewarsum, she had been the one who had taken their lives. It felt as if her body was being ripped apart by a sudden force. The pain was unbearable but it couldn’t find a way out. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe. Her head was pounding and the world seemed to be spinning. She wanted to cry to let the pain flow away, but she couldn’t. Her tears had dried up a long time ago. She sat motionless and listened to the silence that was filling the room.

  “Kasimirh felt threatened because your parents were closing in, so they had to die. He probably would have used it against you one day to make you even more dependent on him.”

  Lilith had recovered her voice but she was still sounding hoarse. “Why are you telling me all these lies? You’re even worse than my master. He always had my best interests at heart. My parents probably came to find me in order to kill me. He did it for me, he wanted to protect me. I wasn’t given a choice, but he did it to protect me. And you as well, Anukasan, it was to protect all shapeshifters. Humans want to kill us, therefore you have to eliminate them before they find you.”

  Lilith was telling herself the lies that the master had imprinted on her mind. By turning the story around, she could suppress her pain. This strategy had kept her going all those years that she had lived with Kasimirh. With her whole world collapsing, she sought solace in the only way she knew how.

  Anukasan, however, didn’t let her. He pushed her away and said softly, but also sternly, “Lilith, you know that’s not true. Stop it. You didn’t know, fine, but don’t try to distort the truth.”

  Aggrieved, she glared at him from behind her hair. Her wristband started to irritate her and she was fighting her emotions. It didn’t work. “Don’t tell me that I didn’t know!” Lilith suddenly screamed in anger. “I knew what the effects of my actions were, didn’t I? I knew that people were dying because of me, that lives were being destroyed because of me.” Anukasan wanted to say something, but Lilith kept on ranting, “There is no excuse. I can’t hide behind ignorance. So don’t ask me to do that.”

  Lilith tasted sulphur in her mouth and she knew that her eyes burned fiercer with every word she spoke. Anukasan opened his mouth again, but she made sure that he couldn’t interrupt her. She knew she was being unreasonable, but it was good to feel the anger and let it out. Everything was better than giving the grief a chance to overwhelm her, because then she would drown in the tears she wouldn’t be able to shed.

  “I’m no longer the baby that was kidnapped.” She got up and paced around the hall. She shoved aside everyone who got in the way. Right below the dome she turned around. “I knew very well what I was doing and I chose to rob thousands of people of their lives!”

  Ferhdessar looked up expectantly when the eagle man entered his room.

  “I should never have agreed to this,” he ranted.

  Ferhdessar knew enough. His plan to turn Lilith against Kasimirh once and for all had failed.

  “So she didn’t react as I thought?”

  Anukasan shook his head angrily. “She blames herself. And me.”

  “I’m sorry that she offended you.”

  “That’s not necessary, but you should be sorry that you made me do this.”

  Ferhdessar lowered himself into an armchair. When he had discovered that Anukasan knew the dragon woman, this plan had welled up in him. It had seemed like such a good idea to tell Lilith what had happened to her parents. Anukasan had argued to have it remain a secret, but Ferhdessar had been convinced that this was the way to fully wi
n the woman over. How could it have gone so wrong? Wasn’t it clear what Kasimirh had made her do?

  “This whole plan has left Lilith even more vulnerable,” Anukasan ranted. “In order to deal with the murder of her parents, she relapsed into her old habits. You should leave her alone. You should make sure that she stays as far away from that guy as possible. Your plan will drive her right back into his arms. Tread with care, Ferhdessar. When she finds out what kind of game you’re playing with her, she’ll start wondering how different your actions really are from those of her master.”

  Ferhdessar jumped up. “Don’t you dare compare me to him! I have her best interests at heart. And Merzia’s.”

  “This Kasimirh probably thought the same thing.” Anukasan gave him a contemptuous glare. “In any case, I should have stayed out of this. I really regret telling her. What was the use? All we did was cause her even more pain. She should have remained ignorant.”

  “I didn’t mean for it to go this way,” Ferhdessar grumbled.

  “You never even stopped to think about what this would do to her. All you wanted was for her to jump up and fly straight to Naftalia to put an end to your problem.”

  Ferhdessar didn’t get a chance to respond, because Anukasan opened the window and flew away.

  Of course it wasn’t long before everybody in the palace knew what had happened in the Great Hall. In the kitchen the servants were talking about it disbelievingly. Aida dominated the conversation, “I told you. That woman can’t be trusted.”

  “Stop it.”

  Aida turned around with a start. Ghalatea had entered the kitchen.

  “You have no idea what Lilith has been through.”

  Everybody fell silent. Ghalatea picked up a basket and laid some fruit in it. Then she grabbed two mugs and a large jug of tea. As she walked out of the kitchen she snatched the bunch of keys hanging to the left of the door off the hook.

  Not much later she was standing in front of the door to Lilith’s room. She wasn’t surprised that it was locked. She quietly knocked on the wood, but she didn’t get a response. She knocked again, a little bit louder this time, and now she heard a muffled voice say, “Please, go away.”

  “Lilith, it’s me, Ghalatea. Please, open the door.”

  “Go away!”

  Ghalatea, however, got out the keys and unlocked the door. She stopped on the threshold and looked around the room. Only when she stepped forwards, did she see Lilith sitting in front of the fireplace. The poker that she was stirring the fire with was red hot. The scent of scorched meat entered Ghalatea’s nose, but she didn’t see anything that could give off that smell, so she chose to ignore it.

  A few more paces into the room she could see Lilith’s face. It was set tight and she looked ghostly pale. The Ancilla Princeps sat down next to her on the floor. She carefully stroked Lilith’s hair. “I’m sorry about your parents.”

  She had expected Lilith to start crying, but she didn’t. Ghalatea pulled her against her and wrapped an arm around her. “It’s all right to cry.”

  Lilith shrugged. Ghalatea didn’t understand this response so she waited.

  Suddenly Lilith whispered, “Every time I think that I’m on the right track something happens that turns everything upside down again. Why, Ghalatea? Why?”

  The Ancilla Princeps shook her head and sighed. “I don’t know, Lilith. I wish I could guard you from all the misery.”

  “Why wasn’t it enough to know that I was responsible for the death of so many people? Why do they have to have names? Why do they want me to know that I killed my parents?”

  There was nothing that Ghalatea could say. Lilith bowed her head and buried her face in her hands. Ghalatea held her even tighter and kissed her hair.

  “How can I ever forgive myself? How can I ever look in the mirror and feel proud of myself again?”

  “You have so many reasons to be proud of yourself, Lilith. Please don’t forget the good things you also did. The things that you did because you wanted to do them and that you did out of your own free will.”

  She remained silent to give Lilith a chance to let the words sink in. Then she continued, “Don’t be too hard on yourself. During the first years of your life you never had a choice. All you could hope to do was make life a bit more bearable for yourself. Not even much better, only a little bit better, and everyone in your situation would have jumped at that tiny chance. But time and again the pain found another way to eat away at you, forcing you to find a different way to survive. You’re no lesser person than we are. You just had a much worse start in life.”

  Lilith stared pensively into the fire and shook her head. “You say I did it to save myself, but don’t you think that’s unreasonable? How can I convince myself that my life was worth all those victims? I refuse to do that.”

  “Of course, but wasn’t that why you fled? When that truth finally sank in and all other reasons became less important, you decided to put your own life on the line.”

  “I don’t know, Ghalatea. It sounds too good to be true. Right now I can’t believe it. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” Lilith pushed Ghalatea away and got up. She opened the curtains and looked outside. “Margal’s followers are right, I am a monster. It would be better if I were dead.”

  Ghalatea had remained seated, but now she turned around with a start. “Lilith, please…”

  “Don’t worry, I’m too cowardly to take my own life. That’s what I’ve always been: a coward. You say that I didn’t have a choice, but that’s not true. I had a choice, but I was too scared to make it. I’m nothing but a coward.”

  Lilith rested her hands on the windowsill and leaned her forehead against the window. The lines in her face were hard, her countenance was deathly pale. Her hunched shoulders touched her ears. Ghalatea was powerless. She couldn’t console this woman.

  Lilith suddenly turned around and pulled up her sleeve. She held her right fist in front of Ghalatea’s face, so that the Ancilla Princeps was forced to look at the rugged scar on her wrist. “See, this is proof. If I had simply gone through with it, my parents would still be alive. All I had to do was drive the dagger in farther. I did have a choice!”

  Ghalatea felt tears running down her cheeks. One big drop fell on Lilith’s scar and followed the contours before it rolled to the other side of her arm. Lilith took a step back and wrapped her arms so closely around herself that her hands touched her shoulder blades. Her chin was resting on her chest, so her arms were almost completely hiding her face, except for her eyes.

  “But I made the wrong choice. I chose to protect the monster that didn’t deserve to live.”

  Then her hair fell forwards, making her entire face invisible. Ghalatea brushed Lilith’s hair out of her face. Next, she lowered Lilith down on a chair. The young woman was rubbing her wrist and seemed to be miles away with her thoughts.

  Ghalatea knew how terrible it could be to carry around so much guilt, even if there was nothing to reproach yourself with. It wasn’t her fault that her parents and her friends had died, but still, maybe she could have tried harder. If this and if that. It didn’t get you anywhere, but Lilith would be going through the same process right now. The thought that it would have been better if she had killed herself would haunt her for a very long time.

  As Ghalatea looked at Lilith’s hands again, she suddenly realized that Lilith wasn’t rubbing the scar. Her scar was on her right wrist, but she was rubbing her left wrist. Ghalatea pulled the hand towards herself and was appalled by the big burn mark. She gave Lilith a rough shaking. “What have you done?” There was no response.

  A cool wind rushed along Lilith’s body. It sounded as if there was a harp playing softly somewhere. Below her, she saw her own shape reflected in the water, and in front of her a village loomed up. Even though it was pitch-dark, she could easily discern everything.

  The village was deserted, apart for two people standing in the square. They were waving at her. Lilith felt her heart fill with love. These peop
le had been waiting for her. She wanted to commence her landing, but then she noticed her master on the other side of the square.

  “Kill them, Lilith.”

  Without any hesitation, she did as she was told. A fiery, orange beam was aimed at the man and woman. The sounds of the harp morphed into a sickening scream. There was a hand protruding from the fire. It belonged to the man. And then there was nothing any more. Satisfied, Kasimirh looked up at her. “Those were your parents, Lilith.”

  Gasping for air, Lilith jolted awake. Ghalatea was immediately there. She comforted her, but Lilith started shaking more violently. She couldn’t get the images of her parents out of her head.

  She was crying inside. She was nothing but a vessel filled with grief. The water had reached her lungs, making it hard to breathe. Why didn’t Ghalatea leave? Maybe she could let the water flow away then. And after that, she could make sure that the only thing she felt was pain. Because that was an emotion she could deal with. She’d never learned how to cope with grief, so how was she going to come to terms with this?

  “Where did you get this?” Ghalatea rolled up Lilith’s sleeve.

  Lilith looked at the burn. She absorbed the pain, but it was immediately extinguished by the water flowing through her body. She shrugged.

  “Did you do this to yourself with the poker yesterday?”

  “This is what they went through because of me. Have you any idea how terrible it is, how painful it is to be burned?” Lilith didn’t notice that Ghalatea’s hand briefly disappeared underneath her veil. “It’s horrible. I’ve tried to do it to myself, but even this small burn was too much for me.”

  And even that amount of pain hadn’t been enough to calm her down. It hadn’t vaporized her tears. It was going to take a whole lot more to achieve that.

  “How can you forgive me, Ghalatea?” Lilith asked.

  “Because I’ve been able to see the real you from the beginning. There’s a little girl hidden underneath that hard, battered shell. I can often see her when I look into your eyes. Maybe that little girl hid herself on the day she was taken. Maybe she put up thousands of protective layers around herself because of everything that was done to her. And later on she might have added thousands more when she had to start working for her master.” Lilith opened her eyes but didn’t seem to see anything. Ghalatea was sitting on her knees in front of her. “But that girl is still in there. Sometimes she pulls away a few of those layers, like a flower that opens itself, but whenever something unexpected happens, she closes herself off again and puts up new layers. I know that you don’t believe me right now, but I know that Ébha saw this as well. She told you that, didn’t she?”