by Jade White
But it wasn’t him who was keeping them apart now. It was her. As she closed her eyes and felt sleep taking her, she realized something was going to have to change soon. She was going to have to figure out what she wanted.
When the morning came, she did her usual routine of having morning sickness. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be, but it was still annoying. She cleaned herself up and got ready, trying to figure out what she was going to wear. Clothing was starting to get tight. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to go to the gym, it felt like she was fighting a losing battle. Pregnancy was rough, but she knew it was only going to get harder. She was going to have to learn to adapt all of this. It was getting harder by the day.
She was learning how to handle it and she was getting better at anticipating her needs, but that didn’t do much when she suddenly felt like she had to eat something and there was no escaping it. That kind of ravenous hunger was beyond her control and she found herself fighting it every step of the way.
She understood why it was so nice to have a husband who was willing to run anywhere for you at midnight to pick up something you wanted. It was kind of like having someone who would instantly provide you with food. She felt like she was missing out on a critical experience.
She sighed, feeling like now was the best time for her to spoon-feed herself the lie that she was a strong, independent woman who didn’t need a man in her life to get her snacks for her hungry and bipolar stomach right now. It was a lie.
As the months passed, work became more and more difficult for her to deal with, but at this point, people were more accommodating when she started to feel uncomfortable and she wanted to move. She suddenly felt like she couldn’t get out of the place fast enough and when she walked into work that day, all she could think about was how much time she had to spend sitting before she could get up and move.
As she sat down at the desk in front of Gracie’s office, she looked at the image of her first ultrasound where she’d seen her child. She couldn’t help but wonder what her child was going to look like the next time they went in for an ultrasound. Seeing her child was one of the most exciting moments in her life and she couldn’t wait to see it again.
The first time she had seen an image of her child, Gus had been there and he had skipped out of work early, even though she had insisted it was nothing and he didn’t need to be worried about it. She thought about her appointment later on in the day where she was going to have another ultrasound.
she and Gus had talked about how they both wanted to know the gender up front and how they thought it was a stupid idea not to know going forward. She thought about how he wasn’t going to be there and it felt extremely wrong for her to find out and for him not to know.
She felt that hollow pit growing in her stomach the more she thought about it. As the hours slipped by, she was given her lunch break to go to the doctor’s appointment. No amount of stalling and no amount of filling her time with busywork was going to scrub her mind of the guilt she was going to have if she didn’t find out in this test whether she was having a boy or a girl.
“Do you want to know the sex of the child?” the nurse asked, looking at the jelly spread all across her stomach. She had dozed off, drifting into her thoughts that were becoming more and more vicious toward herself, telling her she was cruel for not including him in this moment. She knew those vicious thoughts were right. She should have asked him here.
Maybe next time, Tiffany thought after a moment. By the next time she had an appointment, she would have resolved the situation. She was going to know whether or not he was going to be in her life or if she was going to be alone in her motherhood for the rest of her days. Either way, now was not the time to know. As much as it pained her not to know the sex of her child, she was going to do right by the man she had been falling in love with.
On the way back to work, she stopped at an ice cream shop and ordered a cone, sitting by the window and licking it, thinking about how much had changed in her life since she had met Gus. What was it going to be like if she didn’t have him there anymore? What if she had to handle all of this on her own? She didn’t like that thought.
She didn’t like the perpetual state of suspense and turmoil she was in. She needed to know what the answer to her problem was and right now, it felt like she was spinning her wheels in the mud. She needed to know quickly and be done with all of the games and suspense.
She shuddered at the thought of being alone, regretting having made the wrong decision, and at the thought of being stuck with someone who was going to make the rest of her life miserable. As far as she could see, she was running out of time before it became too much for her and she ended up clawing at the walls.
She had to make a decision.
Chapter Six:
When she and her friends decided it was time to meet again as a group, they settled on a place they had never been to before and a flavor of living they hadn’t been forced to enjoy or experience since college.
It was a bizarre and alien world that felt like it was wrong on so many levels. The fact that she walked into the place and immediately turned up her nose was a bad sign, a sign they had stumbled into a different kind of living. They were among the foolish and unfortunate who couldn’t drink alcohol or who thought it was foolish to do so. Sure, some people here probably did it for health reasons, but Tiffany found it odd.
They were meeting in a coffee shop.
They didn’t know what to order. There was nothing here that was bold or robust enough to make them feel happy or better about the lives they were living. Here, the only thing the beverages offered was the assurance that they would probably be up later than they should and that none of them were going to get a ticket for being intoxicated.
It was a strange sort of place where none of them really understood what they were doing. They were all sacrificing for the sake of Tiffany and she would never forget the sacrifice they were making on her account.
There were only three of them that night and there was an unmistakable discomfort among them when they realized that Joey was not there; it was unusual but Tiffany was too afraid to ask what happened to him. It wasn’t like Joey worked nights or he had other places to be.
He was from out of town and there was something lovable about him that made him loyal to her no matter what Caitlin did. If they went and stood in the Hudson River in the middle of winter, he’d go with her. He was that kind of a guy.
So, the fact that he wasn’t here tended to bode unwell for the kind and quiet companion to their loud and boisterous friend. Tiffany decided that she was in no position to address the issue and she was certain it would come up eventually. There was no way they were going to get through the evening without talking about it and she figured they would start off with the usual chatting about work and life. Caitlin wanted to know what the sex of the child was, but Tiffany told her they were holding off for a while.
The fact that no one had seen Gus around them, and the stories Tiffany was telling were surprisingly devoid of Gus, garnered strange looks as well, but no one pressed. Thankfully, no one bothered her for an excuse, because truthfully, she didn’t have one. She had no idea what to tell them.
The wedding, however, was an unavoidable missile and it wasn’t long before Caitlin, in her exuberant excitement, brought it up and started to talk about it. Mark looked like he was in no state of mind to tolerate the wedding discussion, but that was the safest rabbit hole for Tiffany to hide down and so she jumped with all of her might.
Caitlin was living vicariously through Tiffany, but it was a fantasy life that wasn’t even remotely true or real. It was the kind of life that made her think the only thing missing was a white stallion so she could ride off into the sunset. She was afraid that if she told Caitlin the truth of her relationship status with Gus, her friend might go jump off a bridge in depression.
There was no need to dredge up the ugly truth of things with her and she didn’t want to talk poorly about the ma
n she was maybe going to patch things up with, but it wasn’t roses and sunshine for her. In fact, things were messy and dark. She didn’t know where it was going and so the talk about the wedding felt flat and forced. Caitlin started to pick up on this and she was left with the reality of seeing that things were not good in the world. Things were dark and grim for everyone.
“Where’s Joey?” Mark asked finally, after the wedding conversation started to die and wither under the scorching attention of the two women. He looked at them and stared with a kind of oblivious mindset. He had no idea there was something amiss in her relationship and maybe that was a good thing. He shattered the ice and there was no going back. They were going to have to talk about this and Tiffany was eager to analyze someone else’s relationship.
“We’re not seeing eye to eye at the moment,” Caitlin said, something that as a serial dater, seemed like a perfect excuse for her to cut and run, but here she was. She was sitting here, waiting for something to strike true with her and was genuinely waiting for a life line to be thrown out to her.
“I don’t know, we’re kind of at a point where we need to figure out what we’re doing. I mean, I’m really into my job right now and I want to take it seriously and I’m afraid he’s not on board with that. I think he wants to have a more committed and serious relationship and I’m not quite there, you know? I mean, doesn’t it seem weird that only after a few months, he’s wanting to tie things down and start defining our relationship?”
“No,” Mark said bluntly.
“But it’s only been a few months,” Caitlin declared.
“No it hasn’t.” Mark laughed. “Caitlin, you guys have been dating for like six months now. This guy has stuck around longer than any other guy I’ve known who has dated you and I’m sorry, but the common factor between you and all those terrible relationships before Joey, is you.”
“You’re a jerk.” Caitlin tossed the wrapper from her straw at her friend who chuckled and dodged the wrapper with ease. “You don’t know what it’s like to be in a serious relationship like this. Oh God, do you hear me? He wants to have a serious relationship and I’m already talking like it’s a done deal. I’m a goner, guys. I’m a sucker for all of this crap. I’m too young to be tied down. I mean, Tiffany was destined for serious relationships and Mark was never given a hope in the world of having a real relationship, but I’m out here in the middle. I don’t know what I want.
“Joey knows what he wants and he’s always fighting for me and I love that, but I think he’s fighting too hard. I think he wants me to be something I’m not and I’m just so scared that one day, he’s going to wake up and realize he was fighting for something that wasn’t worth it and he’s going to want to get out of what we have. I know I’m going to let him down eventually and I think it would be safer just to cut and run now, end it here.”
“Caitlin, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Mark said, shaking his head. “The only thing you’re right about is that Tiffany was made for long-term relationships and that I was made for flings, and I’ll tell you as a chronic flinger, I wish I had someone who saw me as something worthy of fighting for. All I get are floozies and immature idiots who don’t know what they want. If someone thought I was great and worth fighting for, regardless of how long I’ve known them or not known them, I would grab that person and fight for the rest of my life to have them.
“There’s nothing better than having someone who knows what they want and who knows they want you, because out here in the single world, it’s rough. It’s a lot of cold, lonely nights and they’re bitter. They never end.
“So, when you talk to me about being afraid of defining things and settling down with a guy who genuinely likes you and wants to have a serious relationship, I want to tell you to shut up. So I think I will. Shut up, Caitlin. You’re lucky to have the guy and if you give him the cold shoulder, then you’re an idiot and you’ve invited all the misery in the world onto your back and I’m never going to feel sorry for you another day in my entire life. That’s my two cents and I’m done with this conversation. You hear?”
Tiffany and Caitlin stared at Mark who had been silent and stupid for most of the time they had known him. He tagged along with them out of the novelty that he used to be a part of their group and they didn’t have the heart to lose him to distance and life like they had lost everyone else that they knew.
But right now, it reminded them of why he was here in the first place. There was something about what he just said that made a lot of sense and it really resonated with Tiffany.
She had been thinking about this the wrong way. There might be a curse hanging over Gus’s head, but that didn’t mean it had to be his only motivating factor. He could have taken her to get married the moment they found out and he could have never looked back. He could have worked around the curse a million different ways, but he didn’t.
He had wanted to make sure she was happy and he had been there for her all this time. He had been at every major event of the pregnancy and she had counted on him to help her out through everything. Even when she found out, he totally could have kidnapped her and gotten her to marry him through torture or some other insidious method, but he hadn’t. He had been supportive and understanding.
“Hey, guys,” she said after a moment. “I’ve got to go. I need to go do something.”
“What? Really?” Mark called after her. “The speech was that bad?”
* * *
It was the middle of the night by the time she arrived at the building where Gus lived, fully convincing herself this was the right thing to do. She looked at the towering building and tried her hardest not to get frightened away by it. She wanted to be brave and courageous, but she knew she was anything but.
She was almost there at one point and then thought it probably wasn’t the right time. He was probably at work and it would be better to hold off for a while and just wait for him to get home after his work day, then she decided she should give him an hour or so to relax and take it easy, so around midnight, she finally got to the point where she was going to go talk to him.
It was terrifying, walking up to the building and trying her hardest to feel like this was still her home and not some stupid, rash action she was taking to try and do something romantic.
Being romantic was the fastest way of ruining anything and she solemnly believed she was going to regret everything she was going to do up to this point. She took a deep breath and made her way past Kevin, who smiled and nodded at her, recognizing her easily.
Walking across the lobby, she noticed it was relatively empty for a Friday night, when the lobby was usually packed. She walked up to the elevator and called it, wondering if he was out with his friends or if he had decided to move on and was with some other woman.
That would be devastating, but there was no way the man that she was obsessed with was being unfaithful to her. She knew Gus. She knew he was loyal to his core. She doubted that Gus would take this relationship for granted and not hold out hope for her. He was the man who would wait for her with open arms, praying for her safe return. She took a deep breath and stepped into the elevator.
She just hoped she hadn’t used up his hope and dreaming, squandering it on the fact she was being stupid about this whole thing. She watched the doors close and she began to ascend, ready to face her destiny. There was nothing more exciting than getting ready to do something that may or may not pay off. She knew he was worried and fearful of a world that might blow up in his face, but she had faith. She had faith in everything.
When the doors to the elevator opened, she stepped out into the hallway and she looked down the corridor, hoping to see some sign that he was home, but there was nothing. In fact, she couldn’t hear a thing in this sound-proof tomb. She remembered how eerie it felt being alone in his apartment. You could hear your heart beating louder than anything else if you didn’t turn on the radio or something. It was an ominous feeling, horrifying and suspenseful.
&n
bsp; She wanted to scream and run to the door and knock, just so she could hear something over her pounding heart. She reached the door and pounded her fist on it hard, knocking so loud she thought she was going to wake up the person who lived at the other end of the hallway. She vowed to one day find out who lived there.
She waited for him to answer, praying he would answer the door and she wouldn’t be left out there alone. She pressed the button on the box next to the door, and the buzzer rang a chime out in the apartment, something loud and melodious, but annoying nonetheless.
She stood there in the empty silence of the hallway, listening to the pulse of her heart and wondering how much longer until she gave up.
Finally, she heard footsteps coming closer to the door. Her heart was pounding and she knew it wouldn’t be long now. She knew he was going to open up the door and she was going to get to look at the man she was smitten by and she was going to tell him everything that was inside of her heart. She was going to explode and he was going to be overwhelmed by it, and that would be the end of it.
Whether he accepted what she had to say or not, she was just so eager to get it off of her chest she really didn’t care what happened at that point. She was tired of the ball being in her court and she was ready to toss the ball into his.
