Love You Better

by Brit Benson

  My teeth grit at boyfriend.

  “Ivy—”

  “No, Kelley. We’re dating other people, and this could have been really, really bad. We’re not these people, Kell. So, let’s just go back to our dates and forget this happened.”

  Fat fucking chance I’ll ever forget this.

  “But, Ivy... You almost kissed me back. You told me to kiss you. Don’t you think that means you shouldn’t...ya know...tonight?”

  She looks at me like I’m speaking Pig Latin. She doesn’t know what I’m saying but she is pretty sure it’s offensive.

  I take a deep breath and try again.

  “I saw the condoms in your little purse thingy. Ivy, you can’t lose your virginity to Tyler. You don’t love him. You wouldn’t have been okay with me kissing you if you were in love with Tyler.”

  Her soft face goes from shocked, to hurt, to straight pissed the fuck off within seconds, and I know I said something very, very wrong. When she opens her mouth, I flinch, expecting to be hit with an explosion of rage.

  Instead, what I get is calm, steady, and vicious.

  I’d rather have the rage.

  “Is that what this was about?” she asks, and her cold, calculating stare studies my face. My heart is now racing for an entirely different reason, and I start to sweat under her scrutiny. “The condoms. Is that why you tried to kiss me? As some sort of a trap? A test?”

  That’s what she thinks?

  “What? No. That’s not why I tried to kiss you.” She lifts her eyebrow and hits me with a glare. “It’s not! But you can’t have sex with him!”

  “Excuse you? I can do whatever the heck I want, Kelley Allen Pierce.”

  Shit. I fucked up again.

  “No, of course, I know. That’s not what I meant.”

  “It’s what you said, is it not?”

  “No. I mean it is what I said, but I didn’t say it how I meant to say it.”

  “Just spit it out, Kelley.” Her hands are on her hips, her blue eyes are glacial, and I have one more chance to get her to hear me.

  “I just meant that, well, don’t you think that if you wanted me to kiss you that you shouldn’t be losing your virginity to Tyler? You wanted me just now, not him. You wanted me, Ivy.”

  “So, I should lose my virginity to you, then? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “No! I mean...no? I don’t know. But it shouldn’t be Tyler.”

  God how the fuck did we get here? How the hell do I fix this?

  For the first time in what feels like years, Ivy’s face finally drops the emotionless blank slate expression, but what replaces it guts me. I watch as sadness and disappointment move across her features briefly, before settling on disgust. She inhales a shuddering breath, and on the exhale, she lets out a morbid, sad little chuckle.

  “It doesn’t matter anyway, Kelley. I wasn’t planning to lose my virginity tonight. Because Tyler and I are not virgins anymore.”

  I can hear my blood rushing in my ears. I don’t know if I want to cry or punch something. Or cry while punching something.

  How could she do this?

  Why would she do this?

  Why do I feel so...betrayed?

  It’s not until she takes a step toward me that I realize I’ve stopped breathing, and I sway on my feet from the force of my gasp.

  “Kelley?” She goes to put her hand on my arm, but I jerk it away.

  Suddenly, I’m furious.

  Furious at Tyler. Furious at Ivy. Furious at myself.

  And I want to hurt her. I want her to feel how I feel right now, because I hate the pity and shock that I see on her face. I hate that I just made myself vulnerable without even realizing it and it punched me in the fucking throat. I’m hurt and humiliated and just fucking furious because of it all.

  “I can’t believe you’d be so stupid, Ivy,” I spit. She jerks her head back and drops her jaw.

  “Excuse you?” Her voice is a whisper, but it doesn’t conceal the anger and hurt within it.

  “Tyler is just using you. He doesn’t care about you. He just wants someone to fuck.”

  Ivy’s eyes go wide, and I swear she growls.

  “Are you freakin’ kidding me right now, Kelley? Two seconds ago you were upset because you thought I didn’t care enough about Tyler to have sex with him, and now you’re saying he’s using me?”

  “So, you’re saying you’re just using him?”

  The venom dripping from my words turns my stomach, and I know I’m going to regret what I say next even before I say it. But it’s a slow-motion train wreck I can’t stop. Verbal diarrhea I have no control over. My emotions are driving and I’m just along for the ride, fuck the casualties.

  “I don’t even know you right now,” I sneer. “Making these dumbass decisions. For what? For a fuck? You want to end up just like your momma?”

  Ivy flinches like I slapped her, and I know my words hit their mark when I see tears well in her eyes. But instead of apologizing like I should, pride or fear and fucking stupidity clamp my mouth shut, and I say nothing.

  “How dare you,” Ivy hisses. A single tear rolls down her face, and she furiously wipes it away. “I’ve never known you to be cruel, Kelley. I thought we were friends.”

  “Guess not,” I snipe. “Not if you’re gonna throw away who you are for Tyler. You’re gonna throw away me for Tyler. You’re being stupid and selfish.”

  “That’s not fair,” she snarls, and I watch another tear fall. “All you do is date. All you do is mess around with girls, and I have to hear about it in the lunchroom and the locker room and on social freaking media. And you have the audacity to turn this around on me? You say I’m throwing away our friendship, but friends don’t speak to each other the way you just spoke to me. You crossed a line—you said something you knew would hurt me. Bringing up my mom? That’s low, Kelley.”

  She takes a deep breath, swipes her hands under her eyes to get rid of the tears, and erases every emotion from her face. Dread fills my stomach.

  “I hope you have a great night with your girlfriend, Prom King. I’m done with this conversation.”

  “If you go back out there to Tyler, then you’re done with me, too,” I threaten. I don’t even know why I said it. I’m desperate and grasping and digging my hole even deeper.

  She shakes her head slowly and shame hits me right in the chest. Then with one last impassive look, her face in that blank mask that I hate, she turns on her heel and walks out.

  Ivy doesn’t spare me another glance. Just lets the door shut softly behind her.

  After she leaves, I have to sit down on one of the leather sofas because I’m pretty sure I might pass out. I want to run after her. I want to apologize. But she just chose Tyler, right? I fucked up big. I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me. If I’ll ever forgive myself. The pain in her eyes—the pain I inflicted on purpose—I can’t stop seeing it. I’m going to have nightmares about it.

  When I finally return to the dance, I have ten missed calls from Shelby, and I find that she’s had the chaperones hold off on announcing Prom King and Queen until I got there.

  When they call us up to be crowned, I search the crowded dance floor for a dark blue dress, bright blonde hair, and piercing eyes, but she’s not there.

  She’s gone.

  12

  I wait up for Bailey to get off work. It’s 2:30 in the morning when she finally gets home, and by then I’ve had three freak outs and probably a quarter of our box of wine.

  After showing Jesse the Chinese food I brought him, I shouted goodbye and hightailed it out of their condo. I was going to send an SOS text to Bailey but remembered she was closing the bar tonight, so instead I went home and paced the apartment and drank. When she walks in, I could cry with relief.

  “Thank the Goddesses you’re here,” I say and crush her in a hug.

  “Whoa, hello. I’m happy to see you too!” Bailey laughs as we break apart. “Wait...are you drunk? You never get drunk.”

 
I shake my head. “I’m not. Not really. Maybe just moderately buzzed.” She raises her eyebrow at me, a mix of concern and amusement in her smile.

  “What’s up?”

  “I almost kissed Kelley,” I blurt.

  “What!” She shouts on a laugh.

  “It’s not funny! This has the potential to be bad.”

  “What do you mean you almost kissed him?”

  I start pacing again, trying to recount the moment for her, but everything about those memories makes me feel flushed and woozy, and I can’t get my head to de-fuzz.

  “Well, he also almost kissed me. We almost kissed each other? He was going to kiss me, and I think I was going to let him. Actually, no, I was definitely going to let him. I was going to let him but then Jesse came home and I just kind of freaked out and ran away.”

  I halt pacing and whip my eyes to Bailey.

  “Ohmigosh, Bailey, I just ran away. I was such a spaz. What am I going to do? I can’t want to kiss Kelley. Last time we almost kissed, it ruined everything.”

  I start pacing again.

  “Well, to be fair, Kelley was a total prick last time because he was young and immature, and his pride was hurt because you’d just unknowingly broken his poor little prick heart. Do you think that would happen again?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “Probably not? But that’s not the point.”

  “Ivy.” Bailey grabs my arm and maneuvers me to the couch. “You gotta stop walking around me in circles, babe, it’s making me nauseous.”

  “Sorry,” I say absently, and sit on the couch.

  “Okay, so what’s the point?” Bailey asks, and I jump back up again.

  “The point is that I think I wanted him to kiss me, B. And that can’t happen. It cannot happen. I cannot kiss him.”

  “Why not?”

  I stop pacing and throw a bewildered glare at where she’s perched on the couch.

  “What do you mean why not? Because!” I throw my hands in the air and slap them back down at my sides. “Because!” I say again and punctuate it with a stomp.

  “Wow. That’s a real compelling argument, there, counsel. Much logic. Such convince.”

  I groan, and throw myself onto the couch next to her. “See? I can’t even think straight. My brain is much broked.”

  “Deep breaths, V.” Bailey reaches over and rubs my shoulder. I count my inhales and exhales until the fuzz clears a little, and then I sit up.

  “Okay, babe. Lemme hear it. Why can’t you and Kelley lock lips?”

  I sigh and shake my head.

  “I’m still so messed up, B. I just had that panic attack, and I’ve had more nightmares. I have to give myself a pep talk before even attempting to have sex. I’m not emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship. And I can’t risk trying something with Kelley and it failing, which is inevitable. It will explode epically in my face.”

  “Okay, well, we’ll table the doomsday mindset for now. Did you experience anxiety tonight?” she asks, and I widen my eyes and gesture to my hunched over, obviously stressed-out form.

  “Does it look like I’m hunky-dory, sniffin’ flowers and singing songs, Bailey?”

  She rolls her eyes and laughs at me.

  “No, I know you’re freaking out now, but this isn’t a panic attack. I mean earlier. When Kelley almost kissed you. When he touched you and was all up in your personal bubble—did you feel any anxiety then?”

  I think about it for a second, place my hand on my heart, and shake my head slowly.

  “No,” I breathe out. “I mean, my heart was racing, and my breathing was labored, but it wasn’t panic. It was—”

  “Because you were turned the fuck on and wanted to hop on his dick?”

  “Bailey!” I bark out a laugh and give her a shove, and Bailey cackles. “You’re reading too many of those books.”

  “Maybe you’re not reading enough of them.” She pops a brow. “I bet he’s a beast in bed.”

  I’m stunned. “Kelley? No... You think?”

  She shrugs and smirks. “You think just because he’s responsible and studious—”

  “and respectful and kind and considerate,” I interject.

  “Yeah, yeah, all those things. You think just because Kelley presents in public as a Mr. fucking Rogers, that he can’t do you the best kind of dirty in the bedroom?”

  “Oh my gosh, just stop talking,” I squeak and throw my hands over my eyes. No, no, no, cannot see Kelley like this.

  “Shouldn’t judge a man by his metaphorical cardigan, V.”

  “No. Nope.”

  “It could definitely be a beautiful day in his neighborhood, if you catch my drift.” She thinks she’s so dang hilarious.

  “No, no, no.”

  “And we’ve seen him in sweats, V. That dick print is...” she whistles for emphasis.

  “Please, please stop. I get it.” I’m begging, and she snickers at me. Jerk.

  “Admit it, V. You’re turned on. You want him.”

  I peek at her through my fingers and sigh. “I admit it.”

  “So, what’s the problem?”

  “You mean besides the fact that he’s my best friend and sex is guaranteed to change things?”

  “Besides that.”

  “Bailey,” I say quietly, “he doesn’t know about any of it. At all.”

  She blinks.

  She opens her mouth and then closes it. And then blinks again, shocked.

  “I know,” I relent, trying to explain myself. “But when I first got back, I couldn’t talk about it with him yet. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about it other than Dr. Joyner. The only reason you know is because you were my roommate and I had nightmares. Then, after a while, our friendship was getting back to normal, and then so much time had passed, and I just... I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to risk things changing again.” I shrug. “Kelley’s always treated me like I can do anything—like I can conquer the world. He’s always looked at me like I’m this pillar of strength. He makes me feel stronger. I don’t know what I would do if that changed. If he started to see me as a victim...”

  I release a shuddered breath.

  “Ivy. You know he wouldn’t. You know. He wouldn’t because you aren’t. You are strong, and everything that’s happened only further proves that.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Fuck maybe, V. It’s the truth.” Bailey speaks with such conviction that my confidence is bolstered slightly and my mouth quirks up into a soft, sad smile.

  “It still doesn’t change that I’ve got a plan from which I will not deviate. Law school. A practice. I can’t be in a relationship. I can’t let anyone distract me from those goals. I know what happens when women let romance drive them. I’ve seen it.”

  “That’s a weak argument. Yours and your mom’s situations are totally different. Kelley isn’t like your dad, or Jacob’s dad, and you’re not your mom. You’re not the kind of person to let anyone derail your plans or throw you off course. And anyway, Kelley would never try. He’s, like, your biggest cheerleader. Hell, I’m even jealous sometimes because I know there’s no damn way I could ever usurp his Number One BFF throne.”

  I laugh. “Hush, I love you.”

  “Yeah, and I love you. And that’s why I’m totally cool coming in second to Kelley, because he loves you big, too, and you deserve the biggest love.”

  “Too many of those kissing books, B,” I joke with a smile.

  She points at me and winks. “Not enough of them, V.”

  I lean over and hug her tight. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Bailey.”

  “Yeah, yeah, thank the Roomie Placement Goddess or whatever.” She rocks side to side playfully as she hugs me, and I giggle, but then she pushes me back, gripping my shoulders and hits me with a serious look.

  “But I swear, Ivy, I better never come in behind Jesse in the BFF hierarchy. He might have scarves and shitty potholders, but I have cookies and I’m freakin’ boss at girl talk. Plus, I’m the on
ly one who willingly watches creepy shit with you.”

  I snort out a laugh and she giggles with me, then she picks my jar of wine up off the coffee table and takes a sip.

  “So, what are you gonna do?”

  I answer honestly. “Avoid him until I figure it out.”

  “You still hunting for hanky-panky tomorrow with J?” She waggles her brows and I roll my eyes.

  “Meh. I’ll go to fulfill wing-woman duties, but that’s it. Hey, do you work tomorrow?”

  “I do, but I can see about switching. Why? You want me to come turn you and J’s twosome into a threesome?”

  “Yes, please!” I clasp my hands under my chin and bat my eyelashes.

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  * * *

  Bailey was able to switch shifts with another bartender, and I’m so grateful. She walks into Keggers with me and Jesse, and the tension I’ve been carrying in my shoulders all day loosens.

  Of course, “In Da Club” is already blaring from the speakers, my heels are already sticking to the floor, and I can hear cheers coming from the pong tables in the back. The atmosphere is so familiar, so normal, and I draw comfort from it. It’s nice that some aspects of my life are still dependable, and I’m determined to enjoy this night.

  I hate being confused, and I hate not knowing the solution to a problem. And make no mistake, this whole thing with Kelley has WARNING: PROBLEM!!! stamped all over it.

  Usually, I puzzle over every detail and piece together an answer. It’s just how I am. I research, and I problem-solve, and I logic my way out of any tangled web. I’m basically a less-eccentric version of Sherlock with a vagina. But I cannot bring myself to dissect my complicated feelings for Kelley. It’s just too much. Just makes me feel too much. But now my second instinctive coping mechanism is also failing me—no matter what I do, I can’t ignore this.

  Honestly, it’s annoying.

  After my chat with Bailey early this morning, I attempted to get some sleep without success. My dreams were inundated with replays of the Almost Kiss with Kelley—both Almost Kisses. My anxious brain decided it would be a great idea to torment me with images of last night mushed all together with images from the destructive evening from Senior Prom four years ago.