by kendra Smith
‘Well, better now than never…’ he said, his eyes settling on something behind her and then he looked her in the eye again. ‘You did put this place on the market?’ he said. ‘There’s a board outside. I’m not—’ He broke off.
‘Yes – time to sell up and move on. There’s not much more I can do to the place.’ She smiled bravely, even though the thought was like ripping out her heart. If she could do it once, she could do it again.
The room was stuffy, the wind ratting the windows. Maddie put the back of her hand up to her cheek. It was burning hot. She looked over at Greg’s empty glass.
‘You can’t drive, not now.’ She leant her head to one side, feeling a torrent of emotion and exhaustion hit her at the same time.
He shook his head. ‘No. I can’t. Sorry. I’ve had more than I should have. I’ll sleep here, with Taffie.’ He glanced at her. ‘If that’s OK?’
She wanted more than anything to reach out and touch his face, trace the tiny line of salt across the top of his eyebrow and tell him that not only was it OK, but that every bone in her body wanted to lean her head on his chest right now, breathe in his earthy smell, the one she’d clung to for all those teary nights on his T-shirt, to curl up in his lap and never let him go.
She nodded. ‘I’ll get you a sleeping bag and some blankets. Taffie could probably do with the company.’
69
Maddie crept into the lounge and tiptoed around the room. She took the wine glasses away and put a couple of cushions back on the sofa. She kept the curtains shut so she didn’t wake Greg. She was reminded of the time, all those months ago, when she was curled up with him by this very fire, listening to him breathe, feeling the warmth of his chest under her cheek. But not now. Now he was a guest in her house.
The fire had burnt out a long time ago. Ash and blackened logs littered the wide stone fireplace behind the grate. Greg was snoring gently on the floor on a blue camping mat, inside a sleeping bag, with Taffie curled up by his feet. It was as if Taffie couldn’t leave his side. Well, after the events of yesterday, she didn’t blame the poor dog. She stood, feeling the bare floorboards beneath her feet, and sighed. It wasn’t so long ago they’d been joking and laughing as they sanded and stained it together. It felt solid and real as she curled her toes and stretched them. She gazed at the two of them, looking content together, knowing she had to leave all this behind.
He’d insisted on Taffie sleeping right next to him. She let out the breath she’d been holding. It was just so normal having him here, as if he’d always been here, part of her life. But you’ve blown it, said a little voice. She crept quietly into the kitchen and started running warm water into the washing-up bowl then squirted some detergent into it; the fluffy foam rose higher. She stared at the beach outside the window, at the now-familiar view. The storm had gone but left its mark. Debris littered the beach: twigs, shells and seaweed lay strewn across the sand as if nature had thrown them all up in the sky, exasperated, and let them fall where they wanted to. The tide was out and the waves out to sea were a fraction of the size they were yesterday.
She studied a gull as it swooped down onto the ocean, fluttered in the sea, then rose higher. Was she happy here? She felt settled; she felt like she’d made it home. If she could do it here, she could do it anywhere, and she needed to get away from the painful memories. It looked like Greg’s job was permanent now at the water sports centre. Of course it was – he was a competent sailor and brilliant with kids.
But she’d faced her biggest fear – she had survived on her own and proved to herself she could do it. She had stood up after she’d been knocked down by Tim and built another world for herself – one that included her painting, being by the sea, waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day. She’d miss Ed desperately, but knew his wings needed to be stretched. He needed to fly, go to university and make his mark with Adity and find happiness himself. She just hoped that he would always want to come back to her.
It was as if she’d been in a chrysalis for a long time, buried beneath the stifling constraints of not only a secret, but also trying desperately to make things ‘all right’ for her and Ed. She’d barely noticed what had happened around her. She had been used, and she hadn’t been able to see it. Tim had been like a poison in her life. She’d thought all along he was her saviour; but no, for him, she was a safety net, a respectable front behind which he could not only gamble, but also sleep around. How many women? she had asked, and his silence had confirmed her worst fears.
It had taken time, but she’d slowly allowed herself to morph into who she really was. All that was missing was a piece of her heart. She briskly washed up the wine glasses and placed them on the draining board.
She glanced out at the For Sale sign – the agent had put one at the front of the house and at the back, by the sea path. A lot of people walk on that path – it will be good for business.
Suddenly, she was aware of a sound behind her.
‘You’re up early.’ Greg was standing next to her, rubbing his eyes.
She nodded. ‘Couldn’t sleep. Coffee?’ She moved to the side to click the switch on the kettle. Greg reached into the cupboard for two mugs. She went behind him and pulled the cafetière out of the other cupboard and filled it with coffee granules, whilst he opened the drawer and fetched the teaspoons, then moved to the fridge for the milk. They were like two old school friends. She tried to keep the ache in her heart from showing. Once she poured the hot water over the coffee granules, she took it to the table where Greg was sitting, his head in his hands.
She put her hands onto the plunger to press it down, just as Greg looked up. Then, he reached over and traced a line across the top of her left hand with his finger. She stared at her hands beneath his for the longest moment – at her short nails, painted with gloss – not trusting herself to look up at him. What’s changed? She almost didn’t want to breathe in case she altered the mood.
‘Those scars,’ he said, following the tiny white line across the top of her hand with his index finger, ‘will they ever go?’
She shook her head. ‘No, but they’ll fade.’ She wriggled her fingers.
‘Shall we go for a walk on the beach after this? I could do with some fresh air.’ He traced another scar. ‘Taffie snores a lot.’
She laughed and nodded. She couldn’t speak. No words would come out of her mouth. She pressed the plunger down on the coffee mixture, watching the grains of coffee swirl like mini tornadoes in the pot, mixing together with the boiling water to form the hot coffee – two forces combining to make something new. Everything was in slow motion, blood rushing through her ears. As she poured the hot liquid out, she breathed in the rich tang of coffee and took a peek at Greg. He was staring out the window, legs crossed, lost in thought. Her stomach was clenched. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to drink the coffee after all. She sat glued to her seat, unsure what to say.
‘What a storm, thank God we’re all safe.’ He shifted in his seat. She nodded and then drained her cup. Before anything else could change, she went upstairs to get dressed.
They put Taffie on a lead, and shut the back door, taking the little steps leading down to the beach. Greg started to throw sticks for him as he gleefully bounded back and forth between master and stick.
Maddie wandered ahead to the water, stepping over discarded seaweed and shells, and stood on the shoreline. She’d took in a huge lungful of sea air, held it, then exhaled slowly as tendrils of hair fluttered around her face as she watched clouds scud across the horizon.
Greg came up behind her. She could feel his presence, then she felt her hair clasp loosen and her hair come tumbling down over her shoulders as he took the clip from her hair. Then, he gathered her hair up in one hand, stoking the back of her neck with his thumb and gently kissed the nape of her neck. A fizzing sensation ran down her spine. She couldn’t move, but fixed her vision on a wisp of cloud transforming itself from a streak of white, into a pyramid in the sky. She shivered.<
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‘You’re quiet,’ he whispered. ‘What’s on your mind?’
She spun round to face him. ‘No. Greg. What’s on yours?’ Her eyes hungrily searched his eyes for answers as he smiled at her and gently took her hand.
‘Let’s walk.’
They strolled along the water’s edge and although the air was getting chilly, she turned her face toward the September sun, which had traces of warmth in it. She’d taken off her shoes and her feet were in the water. It was bliss to be able to walk barefoot along the edge of the shore, the sand gravelly and the water cold under her feet, reminding her how good it was to be alive. More than anything, she was terrified she would wake up from this and it would all be a dream.
‘It really shook me up, that storm yesterday. You and Ed on the boat. I felt incredibly responsible. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault the weather turned, Greg,’ she said, repeating her reassurance from the day before.
‘No, but perhaps I made the wrong call, going out, knowing there was a storm later. It just came across the bay much quicker than I thought it would. And I’m also sorry about, well—’ he shrugged ‘—everything.’
They carried on walking for a bit and he squeezed her hand. ‘I couldn’t get to sleep last night for ages; I kept staring at that picture on the mantelpiece of Ed and you, of Ed in the paddling pool. I just looked at it until it went blurry.’ He stopped. A shaft of light lit up behind him. ‘He’s our son, Maddie. I’m not saying that I’m finding it easy to adjust, to come to terms with you not telling me the truth for so long, and I think it’s going to take time to get used to the idea of being…’ He stopped as if he couldn’t say the words. ‘A father.’ The edges of his mouth twitched into a slight smile. ‘But I just looked at that picture.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And I realised how many years I’d missed, not seeing him grow up.’
‘I know, Greg, I’m so—’
‘Shhh, Maddie.’ They had stopped walking now and he had turned around to face her. ‘Don’t say you’re sorry again.’ He put a finger on her lips. ‘I’ve been thinking about this a lot. What were you meant to do? You didn’t know what your mother had said to me. And I didn’t know about Ed.’ He shrugged. ‘That picture made it all clear to me last night. What I have is right under my nose. And I don’t want to waste any more time being bitter.
‘You and Ed are my family,’ he said quietly as he tucked a wisp of her hair behind her ear.
She cocked her head to one side and looked at his crooked nose, the way the sun shone across the top of his hair, bringing out the chestnut in it, and at the beginning of his bristly stubble forming on his chin. She wanted desperately to reach out and touch his face, to erase all of the hurt, to put the last few uneasy months behind them.
‘What are you saying?’ Her heart pounded in her chest as she waited for him to answer.
She tentatively put her hand out towards his face and he caught it in his hand and folded his large fingers gently around her hand.
‘I mean – I want to be with you. Both of you.’
‘Look, Greg, I—’
‘Maddie, stop talking.’
Which was easy as just then Greg brought his other hand up to her lips, placed a finger softly on her open mouth, drew an outline of her lips, which caused one of the most erotic sensations she’d ever had. She was speechless. She had waited for this moment for so long. There was nothing in their way now. The confusion had been cleared and it was down to Greg if he could forgive her. Surely it was time to put the past to bed and look towards the future. She knew what she wanted to do. She looked at Taffie further up the beach, burrowing in the sand for some treasure, barking then starting again, his little legs working away at the job. The sun had come out properly now and was a warm embrace across her shoulders.
Greg dropped his finger from her mouth and spun around and faced the beach. ‘Wait – there’s something we need to do!’
‘What?’ Maddie felt light-headed like she’d been spinning round and round at a fair ground and was finally allowed to stop for a moment, but the world was a peculiar place; her focus has shifted. Greg took her arm. ‘C’mon,’ he said, tugging at her elbow. ‘This way!’
‘Where are we going?’
He grinned at her. ‘You’ll see. Come with me…’ He kissed the top of her head and then they ran, hand in hand up the beach, along the fine sand that turned into smooth pebbles, up the stone steps to the path and to her wooden gate. He unlatched it and flung it open. ‘Hurry up!’
Then he led her round the side of the house to the front and stood there next to the little brick wall where the For Sale sign was attached. And he started tugging. And hauling. And pulling. The wood creaked and then started to break. And, after a while, it snapped in two and finally came away from the side of the wall in his hand.
‘Greg! What are you doing!?’
He threw it to the ground and stood with one foot on top of it, his hands on his hips. There was laughter in his eyes and a smile emerging at the corners of his mouth.
‘You’re not selling this place. You belong here, Maddie. With me.’
And with that, he placed his hand on her chin, tilted it up towards him and began to bring his face down towards her, then touched her on the lips and started a kiss that she never wanted to end. She forgot about the fact that Ed was probably looking, open-mouthed from the upstairs window. She forgot about the cottage. She forgot that Mrs Donaldson from across the road was probably holding her net curtains in her bony hands and staring with eyes on stalks by now. She forgot about all the loneliness she’d been feeling because being with Greg, being in his arms, his hands circling around her waist, pulling her towards him, he was her entire world.
Finally, when she pulled away, she looked at him, stared up at that crooked nose, touched his broad lips with her fingertips and smiled – as something came out of his mouth that she thought she’d never hear.
70
One month later
Adity and Ed looked magnificent. Ed was in a dark lavender suit with a pink and blue silk tie. Adity wore a vintage blue lace dress with a tight bodice and full, netted skirt. They had taken a break from university for the big day.
They were on the beach. It was mid-October and a beautiful late autumn day – rather chillier than Maddie would have hoped for, but she couldn’t decide if she was shivering because she was cold or because she was excited – the bride and groom hadn’t had much time to get ready, but, still, she knew it would be perfect. The sky was cobalt-blue, the sand was a syrupy-golden colour in the sun and they’d been lucky with the village rallying round at such short notice to sort out a pop-up, a few chairs and flowers, and they’d found a wedding celebrant who was happy to go barefoot and perform the ceremony on the beach.
Maddie grinned at them both, then took Ed’s arm, and walked up the aisle – well, it wasn’t really an ‘aisle’, more a gap between various mismatched wooden chairs with baby-blue satin bows tied on the back, and pale salmon-pink peonies in jam jars studding the sand; it led to a lectern at the far end where the wedding celebrant stood.
As she walked past the ‘pews’, on the beach where they had once gathered to scatter Olive’s ashes, she caught sight of Taffie who was sporting a blue bow on his collar, straining on his lead as Rachel tried to hold him back. He barked when he saw Maddie and tried to run over to her. Alan was there, beaming, in a smart dark suit, plus Pearl, Flora from the library and Sue. Carole grinned at her, and Lauren had flown over from the States and looked stunning in a cream jacket, with a multi-coloured floral skirt.
But at the top, standing next to the lectern, there he was, waiting for her: Greg.
He was wearing a navy linen suit, white shirt, collar undone, his hair swept off his face looking for all the world like he’d just stepped out of a Boden catalogue. She laughed to herself – and what’s more, he was beaming at her, his bride.
The service wasn’t too long and Maddie found herself staring out to sea few time
s, remembering the storm, thinking of Olive, and realising how much her world had changed in the last year. She’d left her job, travelled to the other side of the world, started to surf again, gone to a festival, ridden on the back of a motorbike, been arrested, left her husband, moved house, started a job she loved, built her budding pottery business (Sue had started to suggest they could become joint owners of the café), introduced Ed to his real father – and she’d found the love of her life again…
‘Maddie, do you take…’
Greg slipped a simple gold band on her finger. He then traced the outline of her scarred hand with his finger, clasped it in his hand and gave it a kiss to loud cheers from behind.
‘That’s not how you kiss the bride!’ shouted Alan.
‘And I now pronounce you man and wife.’
And with that, he bent down and kissed her properly. It was a moment captured in time as she felt light-headed but more ‘present’ than she’d been at any other time of her life, the sand grainy beneath her bare feet, melting into Greg. Suddenly, there was a roar on the shoreline and Maddie looked up, startled.
A speedboat had pulled in, with a huge bow tied to the side. She looked at Greg who was grinning. He scooped her up in a strong grip, carried her over to the water’s edge and lifted her into the boat, the sunlight catching in his smiling eyes. She took a seat at the back, as a few of the guests rushed to the side of the boat and threw confetti over her and Greg. Taffie was beside himself, straining to get off the lead and barking at the boat.
They sped off away from the wedding party who were cheering and waving at them. Maddie watched as they grew smaller and smaller, like tiny ants on the shore, their hands in the air, clapping as the speedboat darted out into the harbour. They were all heading to the Rose Hotel to wait for Maddie and Greg to get back from their spin around the harbour. A massive buffet had been arranged by Pearl, along with a disco to dance the night away. Maddie and Greg were booked into Room 4 that night.
