Have a New Kid by Friday

by Kevin Leman

  The problem comes when we, as parents, ask for the behavior. We expect it. What happens just before you walk into a public place? Let’s say you’re going to the grocery store. What do you say to the kids? “Remember, no fighting. Keep your hands to yourself. And if you don’t, there won’t be any treats for you. Mom just needs to get a couple things, then we’ll go home.”

  What are you saying? “Kids, I expect you to misbehave, and you better not.” You’re actually teaching your kids to make trouble.

  That’s why so many children can be perfect angels with Grandma but turn into little devils when they get home to Mama. Why do they misbehave around you? Because you expect them to, and the only way they can get attention from you is by misbehaving!

  How could things go so wrong? Take a little trip back in time. Remember when you first found out your little cherub would be in your life? Maybe you were blessed with 2 births in 18 months. Here’s what’s interesting. Even though Americans are supposedly the most educated people in the world, most of us fly by the seat of our pants when it comes to parenting. We follow our parents’ example.

  So if you grew up in a home that was a “don’t touch that, you’ll get hurt” kind of home, you’ll be overly cautious with your own kids. You’ll be constantly telling your children no.

  If you grew up with an abusive parent, you’ll find yourself yelling and lifting your hand to your child.

  If you grew up with parents who gave you the silent look for discipline, you’ll find yourself giving the same look to your child.

  But after a while, the words and the looks no longer work if there is no consistency, no follow-through, no consequences. Then a chasm develops between parent and child that can follow them for years into the future.

  When your children are giving you a run for your money, it’s always important to ask yourself three questions that will help you view the behavior in the most helpful light:

  1. What is the purposive nature of the behavior you’re addressing? (In other words, why is your child doing what he’s doing?)

  2. How do you, as the parent, feel in this situation? (What you think about the situation and the emotions you generate have everything to do with the way you respond to the situation.)

  3. Is this a mountain (something that will matter in the long run) or a molehill (the situation will take care of itself or is a small concern in the grand scheme of what you’re trying to accomplish in your child’s life)?

  For help on specific topics, look up the behavior and what to do about it in the section “Ask Dr. Leman.”

  We parents so want our children to be perfect (like us, of course) that we are masters at making mountains out of molehills. “But, Dr. Leman,” you ask, “how can I know for sure which thing is a mountain and which is a molehill?”

  Try out your skills at deciding with the “Mountain or Molehill?” quiz.

  Every child will fail, make mistakes, and embarrass you. But you don’t need to hold those failures over your child’s head for a lifetime. Correct the behavior and move on. What is most important, in the long run, is your child’s character.

  For Dr. Leman’s answers, see

  p. 291.2

  Character Is #1

  Character is what really counts. It’s who you are when no one is looking.

  Character is caught from those you grow up with, namely your parents. It’s also taught through life lessons. The action-oriented discipline I’m prescribing in this book will go a long way toward helping a child save his character. Good character can be reinforced in a very natural, positive way: “I’m so glad you helped that girl. You saw she really needed help, and you helped her.” Negative character traits need to be dealt with: “I overheard you talking to your brother. What you said was unkind. You were being a bully. That is not acceptable in our home. You need to apologize to your brother immediately.”

  Part of being human means realizing how imperfect you are. Having character doesn’t mean you are perfect. It means you have an inner standard that cares about others more than yourself. Sadly, character is lacking in contemporary America. Surveys say that most people admit they would cheat to get ahead, and they wouldn’t necessarily feel bad about it. High school students and college students are cheating in bigger numbers each year.

  When I was an assistant dean of students at the University of Arizona, a Chinese student was caught in an immoral situation. I was the one who had to handle the case. Frankly, I felt sorry for the kid. The circumstances revealed made me fairly sure the kid had been in the wrong place at the wrong time and really wasn’t a Peeping Tom, but he had been charged with that crime. So I gave him the name of an attorney whom the university hired to help students, and I encouraged the student to call him. That student was so ashamed that he phoned the attorney from a phone booth at 8 a.m. the next morning. When the attorney finally got around to returning the student’s call at 5 p.m. that afternoon, the student was still waiting at the phone booth. The outside temperature that day was close to 100 degrees.

  That student stuck out physical discomfort because the worst thing he could do was shame his family. He was a smart kid, an A student. A person of character caught in a tough situation. And his character won out in the end.

  What happens these days when movie stars get into trouble? When they get caught driving drunk or beating someone to a pulp? Their publicist releases a warm-fuzzy apology: “Oh, he’s so sorry. He’s checking himself into rehab. . . .” But does the behavior really change?

  If someone is truly a person of character, they will go to the person they have wronged, offer a heartfelt apology, and ask what they can do to make things right.

  Is your child respectful of you, of others in the family and outside the family—including teachers—and of your faith? Does your child have good phone manners? Does she tell the truth? Is she self-motivated to do homework (or does she wait for you to jump-start her)? Does he care about being on time? Is she bothered when others cheat on a test, or does that seem she bothered when others cheat on a test, “normal” to her? Is he a “gimme gimme” child who has a Christmas list the length of the expressway? Is your child kind? Does he stick up for others smaller or weaker than himself on the playground, or is he the bully? Is she respectful of her older sister’s special things? Does your child take your no for a no or push until he gets what he wants? Does she use language that your grandmother would have approved of? Is he the kind of young man you would hire to work for your company?

  Character is not only everything, it’s the only thing in the long run. It is the foundation for your attitude and behavior.

  3 Simple Strategies for Success

  If you want your child to have a respectful, kind Attitude, to have Behavior that you’ll want to write your grandma about, and to have Character that reveals itself as trueblue even when you aren’t watching, follow these 3 simple strategies for success.

  1. Let reality be the teacher.

  Reality discipline is a term I coined in 1984. Basically it means to let nature take its course. And when nature doesn’t take care of the problem, you help nature along. Don’t rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility.

  If your son is supposed to do a project for chemistry and doesn’t complete it, don’t stay up until midnight doing it yourself. In fact, don’t do anything about it at all. Don’t even mention it. Just wait for reality to hit when he stands in front of his stern chemistry teacher, who tells your son in no uncertain terms what he thinks of incomplete projects.

  If your little girl goes into her older sister’s room and gets into her makeup, don’t intervene in the situation and help her clean it up before her sister gets home. Unless she thinks to clean it up herself, don’t bother. Just wait to see what her older sister is going to say, and let the two of them work it out.

  Parents have a tendency to rub their child’s nose in what he does wrong. In most cases, letting reality be the teacher is enough discipline in itself.


  There’s also a tendency to be a bone digger—digging up the situation long after it’s over and hitting your child over the head with the “bone.” Just remember, you’ve done wrong things and have been forgiven. How would you feel if someone kept reminding you of your failures?

  2. Learn to respond rather than react.

  Parents are good at shooting themselves in the foot. Often we react instead of respond. Our emotions get the better of us, and we speak or act without thinking first.

  What’s the difference between responding and reacting? If the doctor says, “You responded to your medication,” that’s good. If the doctor says, “You reacted to your medication,” that’s bad. While you’re driving, your little girl says out of the blue, “Mommy, I want a pony.”

  “What?” you say. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. There’s no way we could get a pony! We live in a two-bedroom apartment in Baltimore. And we’re barely making ends meet. There’s no way we could afford a pony. Are you out of your mind?”

  That’s reacting. Answering without thinking in the situation.

  This is responding: “Oh, a pony.” (Pause, to show you’re dreaming and thinking about it too.) “Can you imagine having your own pony? Getting up in the morning, saddling him, and riding to school as the other kids walk to school? Can you imagine waving to those kids as you go by? I can see the pony now. He’s black and white. Wow, wouldn’t that be cool? At lunchtime, all the kids would go to the cafeteria, but you’d go outside and check on your horse first. . . .”

  Sure, you live in a two-bedroom apartment in Baltimore. But why shoot your child’s dream out of the water? Your child will eventually realize that a pony wouldn’t fit in your home.

  There’s a way to stick to your guns without shooting yourself, or your children, in the foot. Instead of reacting, respond by saying, “Tell me more about that.”

  3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

  You never have to change this strategy. It works every time, with every age. If you’ve asked your child to do something and it’s not done, you don’t go on to the next event—no matter what that event is.

  Let’s say you’ve asked your 8-year-old son to mow the lawn, and it’s clearly not mowed. Two hours later your son wants to go to the pet store to get the fish you promised him. If your son is 16, he’d probably want to head to his buddy’s to shoot pool. He wouldn’t care about the pet fish. But no matter what the activity is, simply say, “We’re not going.” Then turn your back and walk away.

  If your child follows you, don’t announce your strategy. It works better if the child has to figure it out for himself. It comes down to this: seeing the changes you want implemented is more about you than it is about your child. It’s more about you changing your Attitude, Behavior, and Character than him changing his Attitude, Behavior, and Character.

  Here’s a caveat: when you start applying these techniques, often Attitudes and Behaviors will get worse for a time. But that’s actually good news—it means you’re on the right track!

  The most important thing is that you use consistent action, not words. You don’t embarrass the child on purpose; you correct the behavior. You keep the tennis ball of responsibility in his court, not yours. There is no harassing, no threatening, no warning. There’s no reminding, no coaxing. There are no put-downs, because no one wins with put-downs. In today’s democratic society, if you have the right to put me down, guess what right I have? No one wins in such a situation. Your relationship breaks down. But as you work together on Attitude, Behavior, and Character, you can work your way toward a relationship that’s mutually satisfying.

  Your principle of “Let reality be the teacher” really hit home. I’ve been rescuing my young-adult son for far too long, I’m embarrassed to say. No more being a wuss. I’m starting today.

  Hank, New Hampshire

  I felt like a failure as a parent for over 7 years. Often at night I wondered if I should ever have become a parent. Why was I so frustrated all the time? Then my husband and I started to homeschool this past year (not a smart plan when you’re already frustrated with your kids), and I knew for sure I was a failure. Our house was completely chaotic. Then I found your principles. They have transformed our home. I can never express how thankful I am for the wise instruction, humor, and down-to-earth reality. My 2 children are still far from perfect angels; in fact, some days they do still resemble “hedonistic little suckers,” to quote you, but the ankle-biter battalion has come a long, long way. Thank you, thank you.

  Laura, Nova Scotia

  It’s been a week since I started applying your parenting principles, and my home is a completely different place. My 4 kids, who wouldn’t give me the time of day unless they were mouthing off, are now respectful. They used to demand that I be their personal chauffeur. Now when they want to go somewhere, they approach me and say, “Uh, Mom? Would it be all right with you if I went to Hannah’s tomorrow? If you could get me there between 6 and 7, I can get a ride home.” That little example, in itself, shows the difference in our home. I’m now a free and appreciated woman.

  Maryann, Tennessee

  Wednesday

  Show Me a Mean Teacher, and I’ll Show You a Good One (It’s All in the Perspective)

  Take a look down the road a few years.

  Who do you want your family to be?

  I’ll never forget the day that our firstborn, Holly, came home from eighth grade and talked about Old Lady So-and-so and how mean a teacher she was. She had me picturing a stereotypical librarian (the stern lady with her hair in a bun who shushed you with a finger to her mouth if you made a whisper) or the old schoolmarm who rapped your knuckles with a ruler if you didn’t follow the rules. I imagined her in black-tie shoes with a one-inch heel—the kind my teacher used to wear.

  Then I met Holly’s teacher. She was a 24-year-old hottie, 2 years removed from her bachelor’s degree. I couldn’t help but think, This is the old lady Holly talked about? You’ve got to be kidding!

  You see, it’s all in the perspective. And perspective changes based on your age and emotional maturity. What doesn’t change is the fact that you have a big job to do and little time in which to do it. As the famous quote says, “Time waits for no man.” Children grow up so fast! How often have you said to your spouse or a friend, “I can’t believe Anna is already 15! Where does the time go?”

  Life is speeding by like sand draining through an hourglass. You can’t afford not to take advantage of the time that you have. Sometimes your job will be tedious and boring (like doing the laundry and ironing the same clothes over and over). Other times the pace will be breakneck, especially when your children are young, are apt to get into danger, or are involved in a lot of activities.

  But here’s the important thing to remember: what your children think about you at any one particular moment isn’t necessarily what they will think about you for life. If you are calm, you are consistent, and you always do what you say you’re going to, you will earn their respect and trust. But it won’t happen with a snap of your fingers.

  Taking the Long View

  Take a look down the road 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Who do you want your child to be? What do you want her work ethic to look like? What about the way she views herself? Her relationships with others? Your relationship with her?

  Bestselling author and business consultant Stephen Covey has a great perspective. If you want something, start with that end in mind, he says.

  In other words, if you want your child to be kind, teach your child to be kind now. If you want your child to be a responsible adult, teach him responsibility now. If you want your child to enjoy spending time with you, start now in setting aside nonpressured time to spend with her instead of getting caught up in the rat race of constant activity.

  Do you think the parents wanted or planned for these situations?

  • Henry is 17 and just went into drug rehab.

  • Miranda was arrested for shoplifting and spent a nig
ht in jail.

  • Tony bit another child and was kicked out of kindergarten.

  • Amanda went thrill riding on a friend’s motorcycle, and both of them ended up in the morgue. They were trying to dash between two cars, and they lost the race.

  • Keri is 15 and weighs only 88 pounds. She has struggled with anorexia for the past 2 years.

  • Jason, who is 21, lost his third job for back talking his supervisor.

  Did these situations “just happen”? Or did little things happen along the way that led to these bigger things? Here’s what these parents said as they looked back:

  “Henry was the kind of kid who always overdid everything. We caught him smoking a joint with a friend when he was 11, but he just shrugged off our concern. He gave me the old, ‘But Dad, I was just curious. I won’t do it again.’ Dumb me, I believed him. I should have followed up. Now I know that he kept smoking marijuana, then moved to meth. I thought he was saving up money for a car. He was using the money from his job for drugs.”

  “We never confronted Miranda when she took things from her sister’s room. When I found out she took 20 bucks from my purse, I let it go because she said that she needed to pick up some things at the store. But I should have pursued it.”

  “Tony was an out-of-control 2-year-old, but I thought it was just because he was 2. You know, the terrible twos thing. I figured he’d grow out of it. But then he proceeded into the independent threes and threw even more fits. Two of our babysitters quit. I should have had a clue that something major was wrong. But I just figured they were pushovers. Now I realize it was me who was the pushover. I gave him everything he wanted. When he ran into someone who wouldn’t, he just bit them. He’d bitten the babysitters too.”