Have a New Kid by Friday

by Kevin Leman

  Why would you choose to do this to your child? Because the long-term goal is for your child to become a responsible adult. Some children need a little kick-start in that direction, and your child may be one of them.

  Laziness/No Responsibility

  “Frank Jr. moved back in with us after he graduated from college and couldn’t find a job. Because he was back home and jobless, we continued giving him an allowance. But it seems like all he spends it on is take-out pizza and going out with his buddies. I sure don’t see him looking for a job.”

  “Keri spent her entire summer just lying around on our deck, sun tanning. Now she wants to shop for school clothes. I’d told her at the beginning of the summer that we wouldn’t have money for new clothes since her dad’s company is downsizing and we don’t know what’s going to happen. She could have earned some money herself. She was offered a great job. But she just didn’t want to do it.”

  Let me ask you: are you running a home—or a hotel?

  If, like Frank Jr., your son is 24, still lives with you, and is bilking you for money and showing no responsibility, then you’re running a hotel. And guess what? You’re the maid service! Why would he look for a job? Frank Jr.’s got it pretty good right where he is. You do all the work, and he just hangs out eating pizza and not growing up.

  When I taught at the university, students would come up with all kinds of excuses. One football player—a 6’8” defensive end who weighed 300 pounds—told me one day, “Dr. Leman, this chick was supposed to type my paper for me and she doesn’t have it done.”

  I raised my eyebrow at him. “Well, in my class I don’t accept excuses. So by agreement with Coach Robinson, I’ll just tell him that you won’t be ready for practice today.” After that point, that big football player would whip into class and lay his homework right on my desk before he even sat down.

  Some kids are just lazy by nature. They’ve got their parents trained to remind them, coach them, and bribe them. But laziness isn’t a quality you want to encourage, because your child needs to pull his share of the load as a family member. That’s part of his responsibility.

  If you ask your child to do something, you should ask only once. Otherwise you are being disrespectful to that child. You’re saying, “I think you’re so stupid that I have to remind you several times to do that.”

  The next time you want your child to do something, say it once.

  “Kenny, I want you to clean out the garage today.”

  All day you watch Kenny laze around in the hammock, playing on his Game Boy. By nighttime, the garage still hasn’t been cleaned. You don’t remind your child.

  The next morning at 9 a.m. is Little League tryouts. Your son comes out, dressed and excited, in his baseball gear, tossing his baseball. “Come on, Mom! It’s time to go!” he says happily.

  “Honey, we’re not going to tryouts today.”

  He looks stunned. “Not going to tryouts? Why?”

  Here’s the teachable moment.

  “Your dad wanted you to clean out the garage and I asked you to do it, and I see it’s still not done.”

  At that point, your child will promise you anything—including 30 days of hard labor—if you take him to Little League. But he doesn’t get to go to Little League that day. If he misses the tryouts, so be it.

  When the garage is clean to his dad’s satisfaction, he gets to go to Little League. And chances are, the next time he’s asked to clean the garage, he’ll do it in record time.

  All this was done with no bribing, no cajoling, no reminding.

  If this sounds harsh to you, let me ask you, “Do you want your child to be responsible or not?”

  If you set the precedent of always reminding and coaxing children, then you’ll always be reminding and coaxing. But what happens when they’re in college, in an apartment of their own, and with a job in the real world, and you’re not there to remind them?

  Take the long view. What do you want your child to look like at 18, 20, and 30 years old?

  If you want your child to be responsible, give him responsibility. Don’t bail him out when he fails to follow through. Don’t snowplow his roads in life. Failure and the resulting consequences are good training.

  Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

  Lying

  Kids lie for two basic reasons.

  One is for wish fulfillment. Some kids will come home and tell you they scored three goals in soccer . . . and then you find out they didn’t play at all.

  The second is out of fear. “Did you break that vase?” you demand. “No! I didn’t do it! The cat did it!” your 6-year-old claims. Most children lie out of fear. But lying is a mountain, because in order for there to be a relationship between two human beings,it must be based on trust. Otherwise, you’ll feel violated.

  So if your child lies to you, he needs to be caught in that lie and told that lying is not acceptable. There also needs to be a second consequence for lying. Let’s say that, a couple days later, your child says something innocuous, such as, “Can I go next door and play with Ronnie?”

  Your answer needs to be a matter-of-fact “No.”

  “But why?” your child asks. “You always let me go.”

  Now’s the teachable moment, even more than being caught in the lie.

  “Honey, I don’t have any assurance that you’re going to be where you said you’ll be. Remember Wednesday night, when you told me you were going to be at Susan’s—and you weren’t?”

  Do you beat the kid over the head? No. And you don’t do it long term. But saying something like that two or three times makes a memorable impression on a child that lying isn’t what you do. It doesn’t gain you anything, and it breaks down trust between the two of you. Children need to see and feel that immediate result.

  There’s an age-old admonition: “You won’t get in trouble if you tell me the truth.” That needs to be true in your family too. If your child does break that vase and comes to you with the truth, she can know that you’re unhappy, but she should not be punished for telling you the truth. In those situations, you’ll need to think carefully before you open your mouth. How you respond to such a situation directly relates to how comfortable your child is in telling you the truth.

  Kids can be as dumb as mud and will do stupid things in life (like hanging a camera out the window of a car and dropping it), but if they own up to them and say they’re sorry, they need to know that life will go on. You won’t beat them over the head for years for their mistake. The relationship between the two of you will still be okay.

  Regarding lying, here’s the kicker: parents too have to be careful about their own lies; even those pesky little white lies are still lies. If you say to your child, “If someone from work calls, I’m not here,” and it’s not the truth, your child is smart enough to know it. And then your child thinks, If it’s okay for you to lie, it’s okay for me to lie.

  Manners

  Manners never go out of style. They should be taught to your child from day 1. If you haven’t taught them, it’s never too late. Any age can learn them.

  When my grandson Conner leaves our house with his little duck suitcase on rollers, he says (without my daughter prompting him), “Thank you, Grandpa. Thank you, Grandmama.” Why does he, at age 3, do what many teenagers don’t do? And without any prompting? Because my daughter has taken time to train him to be courteous.

  With all due respect, training a beagle and training a child have a lot of similarities. You have to tell them to do the same thing over and over and over until it sticks.

  I’m a car-pool dad, and I really hate it when I’m driving children somewhere and they forget to say thank you. What’s wrong with kids today? I think. And then I wonder, And what’s wrong with their parents?

  Common courtesy should be a given that you teach your child. Anything other than saying “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” is not acceptable.

  One little girl I know takes things an extra
step. When she has friends over to play and she and her mom take them home, that little girl walks her friend up to the door, and she thanks not only her friend for playing but the friend’s mother for letting her child come over. “You ought to see the startled looks from those moms the first time you hear Mei tell them thank you,” Mei’s mother told me, laughing. “Later they tell me how much they appreciated that, how unusual it is, and that they would love to have Mei over anytime.”

  Manners will take your child a long way in life. Don’t miss teaching the basics.

  Me, Me, Me

  “But I want . . .”

  “I don’t feel like . . .”

  Children are naturally selfish and thoughtless until they’re trained to be otherwise. You’re the parent and the authority over your child, so that’s one of your very important jobs. Children need to learn that they are not the center of the universe. They need to learn that there are other people in that universe to think about.

  Let’s say you have a 12-year-old boy, a 9-year-old girl, and an 8-year-old girl. You have many talks about how you’re all a family and you need to share in the fun and the work. Your kids get allowances. You all go on trips together. But your 12-year-old just doesn’t get it. He squabbles about helping do the dishes and cleaning the bathroom because he doesn’t feel like doing it. He complains about what you put in his school lunches. He critiques everything you do in the kitchen, including the way you cook dinner. And he criticizes everything his sisters do.

  So what can you do? Let’s say the next night you’re preparing dinner. He’s standing there critiquing everything you and his sisters are doing. “You know, girls,” yousay, “I need your help in the bedroom. Evan, you can go ahead and make dinner yourself. That way you’ll make sure it gets done just the way you want it to.”

  Think you’re getting the message across? Ka-ching!

  You may also want to assign him to make not only his own lunch but also his sisters’ lunches for a week. And if he grouses about cleaning one bathroom, assign him to clean all the bathrooms in the house. He’ll get the idea fairly quickly that the world isn’t about me, me, me.

  The point is, as a parent, you always need to be teaching your children how to be responsible and how to think of others. Children will always have childlike behavior because they’re children. But as you take time for training, you’ll be fine-tuning their Attitude, Behavior, and long-term Character.

  Messy Room

  “I think a sign ought to be posted outside my son’s room: Toxic Zone. Don’t enter for fear of your life.”

  I’m not a high-standard guy. I’m a want-to-see-the-floor-twiceaweek kind of guy. But even I have my limits. (My wife, Sande, a firstborn, has a lot less tolerance for mess than I do, as the baby of my family.) Many teen rooms are downright toxic.

  Kids are mess makers, and they won’t usually have the same standard you do for keeping their bedrooms picked up. And, after all, they have a lot of important stuff in there (like makeup, iPods, rocks), and they only have one room that’s totally theirs in which to store their precious belongings. So if you expect them to keep their bedroom as clean as you do the rest of the house, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

  However, bedrooms ought to be cleaned at least twice a week so they don’t start smelling like locker rooms and looking like the local dump. That means anything that’s been thrown on the floor gets picked up and deposited where it should go, includingfood wrappers, clothes, and possessions that have been borrowed from a sibling. For a parent to expect pickup twice a week is entirely reasonable.

  Parents should decide which two days of the week are cleanup days. And children need to be clear on the definition of what “clean” is. That way, when Mom or Dad walks into the room, it’s also clear to the child whether the room is presentable or not. If the child hasn’t done a good job and doesn’t seem to be willing to do round 2 (if he even attempted round 1), you can assign someone else to complete the cleanup (a sibling, a neighbor . . .) and take the cost out of your child’s next allowance.

  After all, isn’t that what life is like? You pay for things others do for you? Why shouldn’t cleaning your child’s room be the same way?

  Paying someone else to do a job that your child failed to complete and taking the pay out of his allowance is a good way to teach him responsibility. Not to mention that most children would be more than annoyed to find out that a sister, brother, or neighbor was in their space, going through their stuff.

  Misuse of TV or Video Games

  “My son lives in two worlds—school and video games. He’s in one or the other, but never anywhere else. Is this normal, or am I just being picky? Other than that, he’s a good kid.”

  “My daughter is hooked on all the nighttime TV shows. Sometimes she doesn’t start homework until nearly midnight because she’s caught up in them.”

  Let’s be honest. A lot of us watch too much TV. When there was a Mayberry marathon, I watched 2 hours of episodes, even though I knew every word since I’ve seen them all over and over and over. I knew every word since I’ve seen them all over (Now that’s stupid, but I still did it. It’s a great show, but watching that much was a waste of my time.) Worse, there are so many tasteless things on TV. Downright disgusting, in fact. No good for anyone.

  So why do we allow our children to watch so much TV? Simply said, TV, movies, andvideo games have become babysitters for a lot of parents. Stick the kids in front of a show and Mom can do dishes and straighten up the kitchen in peace. Dad can get a couple extra hours of work in. If you have a 2-year-old and a portable TV and DVD player, why not take it to the restaurant and let the child watch a movie so you can have a quiet and peaceful dinner? What’s wrong with letting a kid sit there, immersed in a DVD or a video game? At least they’re quiet!

  Using TV, movies, and video games to babysit is functional and very tempting. But is it healthy for children? To stare at an electronic device hour after hour instead of interacting with parents and siblings? Probably not.

  There’s nothing wrong with TV, movies, and DVDs, if used sparingly and screened for objectionable material and age-appropriateness for children. Some programs, like National Geographic and Kiddy Planet, are educational. The problem is that most parents don’t set reasonable limits for the use of these items. Why not ask your child what a reasonable limit is? Interestingly, children usually give stricter limits, when asked, than adults do. If they help to come up with a reasonable limit, they’ll be more likely to follow their own rules—and you won’t have to be the watchdog.

  One last note: do not allow children to have a TV in their bedroom. TVs should be in a central room in the house, where anyone walking by can see what is on the screen. Putting a TV in a child’s bedroom, especially if you have cable service in your home, is just asking for trouble. Would you ever allow your child to walk down the sleaziest street in your local city? Then why allow your child access to all the sleaze that comes through cable and late-night television? You have a responsibility to protect your child’s mind.

  Musical Influences

  We all have our likes and dislikes when it comes to music. Chances are good that you don’t like your child’s music. (Hey, did your parents like what you listened to? Does your child like listening to the Eagles or U2? Point made.) But do you really gain anything by putting yourself in direct opposition to your child over music? Your child’s musical tastes will change rapidly. The group you can’t stand that’s hot now will, within 6 months, most likely be pushed aside in her repertoire for the next popular group (which you probably won’t like either).

  You don’t have to like your child’s music. But you can always find something good about it—you might as well, since you’ll be surrounded by it, especially during your child’s teenage years.

  “Great beat.”

  “What’s the name of that song?”

  “Who’s performing that?”

  At age 15, my daughter Lauren can fly like a mad woodpecker from one ra
dio station to another in the car. “Oh,” she coos, “I love that song. It’s my favorite song,” and then we’re flipping through four more stations to find her other favorites.

  Why not have fun with your child’s music? Get to know her world?

  But there’s also a place to draw the line, and that’s at the lyrics. Some lyrics are downright repulsive, vicious, and demeaning to ethnicities, men, and women. If your child is listening to such lyrics, it’s time to throw up the red flag. “Honey, let’s stop a minute. I want to hear those lyrics better. Would you mind turning that up? Do you hear what they’re saying? Do you agree with that?” Eminem comes to mind, with his violent lyrics about a young man dreaming about slashing his father’s throat. What parent in his right mind wants his child to go to sleep with that image in her brain? There’s no way you should pay money for that CD or allow your child to listen to it.

  You may not like the music, but it’s the lyrics that count. So listen carefully.

  Music Lessons

  “My daughter was so sure she wanted to play the clarinet. So we bought her a clarinet for sixth grade band. Then, about 2 weeks into it, when all we’d heard were squawks, she stopped practicing.

  She said she didn’t want to play the clarinet anymore. And we’d spent all that money. . . .”

  “Rob is 12. He plays the piano beautifully and has played for 6 years. But lately his practicing has been in a slump. When I asked him about it, he said, ‘Mom, it’s not cool to play the piano anymore.’ But I hate to see all his talent go to waste. How can I encourage him to keep it up?”

  Any music lesson has to be contracted in minimum bites of a semester. In other words, it’s not fair for your child to say she wants to try something, then quit 2 weeks into it when things aren’t as easy as they seem. Every music teacher I’ve talked to says you need at least 4 to 6 months to begin to understand an instrument (and for it to not sound like something from a horror movie). But today’s instant-breakfast, microwave kids want things to happen quickly and automatically. They get discouraged when they don’t (and, you have to admit, so do you).