Hell on Wheels (Kings of Mayhem MC Book 4)

by Penny Dee

  I sat down and told him everything. About Cassidy being fostered. About her foster brother’s obsession with her. The branding. The rapes. The violence. The ongoing torment. The threat to her life.

  “You’re telling me Cassidy is actually the missing daughter of one of the most prominent politicians in the country?”

  “Yes. But this stays between you and me. A club hit doesn’t require the vote of the other members. It only needs the approval of the president and VP. I know Cade will approve it.”

  My brother was our VP. He had already put two bullets in a murdering rapist a few years ago when a psychopath kidnapped Indy.

  “That may be right, but as president I have the governing power to veto it before it goes any further.”

  “Is that what you’re doing? You’re going to veto my request?”

  He nodded. “This isn’t a club hit you’re after, Chance. Barrett Silvermane has got nothing to do with the Kings of Mayhem. This is a personal matter, son, and you know we don’t do club hits for personal affairs.”

  “He’s a piece of scum rapist who doesn’t deserve to live.”

  “I don’t disagree. But if you put a hit out on everyone who hurt someone good and decent, then you’d be putting a hit on a lot of fucking people.”

  “She’s not just anyone—”

  “What is it with this girl?”

  His question surprised me. “I’m trying to protect her.”

  “No, it’s more than that. And whatever it is, you’re letting her cloud your judgment.”

  “This guy is bad news, Bull. Look at how much he’s been able to get away with. He’s fucking untouchable.” My fist collided with the table, and it rattled. “With his parents’ protection he’s been able to keep torturing her.”

  “We’re not fucking taking out a politician’s son. Not the club. Not you. I mean it, Chance. Don’t get any stupid ideas about taking matters into your own hands. You murder Barrett Silvermane and the feds will be all over you—and this club—like fucking ants at a picnic. So you stay away from him, got it?”

  I left the clubhouse frustrated as all fuck. I couldn’t go against the wishes of my president. My only option was to leave it in the hands of fate.

  If Barrett came after Cassidy, I would be waiting, ready, and only too happy to put a bullet in his smug face.

  CASSIDY

  It hurt to wake up and see he was gone.

  It hurt when he was gone all day.

  But nothing hurt like offering myself to him and him backing away.

  Again.

  Being knocked back once was bad enough, but offering my nearly naked and horny body to him on a silver platter and being rejected was mortifying.

  Throughout the day I bounced from embarrassed to hurt, confused to frustrated.

  Reject me once, stupid you.

  Reject me twice, stupid me.

  I had feelings for him. For the first time in my life, I had feelings for a man, and it gutted me that they were one-sided.

  I had dated a little in college, but it had never amounted to much. It was more about finding a way to enjoy sex. Because I refused to let Barrett take that away from me.

  I met Logan one New Year’s Eve at a college bar. We spent one night together, and he showed me what it was like to make love to someone. Showed me how a real man pleasured a woman. Taught me how good it felt to be touched and kissed and licked. He gave me multiple delicious orgasms—orgasms I asked for—with his magnificent body. I didn’t know his last name. Didn’t know anything about him. Only that he took a scarred, young woman and showed her what the other side could look like, in that little motel room under a neon sign that blinked VACANCY.

  Not long after him, I met Travis, a six-foot wall of muscle who played hockey for our college. We dated for six weeks and shared a lot of naked time before he accepted an overseas placement, and we broke up. He gave me sex on tap, and with every encounter I felt myself move further and further away from the shadows of my past.

  The next was a cowboy in Texas, who was as gentle and giving as he was tall and broad. We spent three days together before Missy and I hit the road again. And in those three days, a little more of me healed beneath his tender caresses and whispered words of lust.

  But I had never had any deep feelings for them. Not like the ones I felt for Chance.

  Old habits came to the surface, and my instinct to run was hot in my veins. I wanted to pack my shit and flee, but my angry little heart wanted to confront him first. To know why. To hear him say it.

  Reject me because of me. Not because of what he did to me.

  I unfolded my fist to look at the scar on my palm.

  Yeah, I was done with running. Oh, I was leaving alright. But I would walk out that door, not run.

  Before that, though, I needed to stay and talk to him.

  Despite being mortified by his rejection, I felt better for telling Chance about Barrett and the things he did to me. It felt liberating. Just as it had when I’d vented it all to a psychiatrist back in my college years. For three years I’d maintained a weekly appointment with an amazing doctor named Michelle, who helped me work through my past.

  Thanks to Doctor-patient confidentiality, I knew my secrets were safe with her. And if anything happened to me, at least someone other than me knew the truth.

  Of course, Michelle tried getting me to go to the authorities, just like Chance did. And just as I had explained to him, I had told her that Kerry Silvermane’s reach was too far and too wide for me to ever be able to do that safely. There was some push and pull, but once we got over that and she stopped trying, she focused on helping me through the trauma.

  It took me a while, but I finally climbed out of the deep pool of grief and confusion to understand it simply wasn’t my fault. And when the understanding hit, it was so freeing. Because for years I wrestled with thinking the fault lay with Barrett and his psychopathy while at the same time questioning if it also lay with me. Did I let it happen? Did I fight hard enough? Scream loud enough. Run fast enough.

  But the truth was plain and simple.

  None of this was my fault.

  The fault lay with Barrett.

  He took what wasn’t his to take.

  Because he was evil and vile.

  Right through to the bone.

  CHANCE

  I left the clubhouse and visited Caleb at Sinister Ink. He was surprised to see me in his studio. Unlike my younger brothers, I didn’t have tattoos all over me. I only had a small SEAL team tattoo on the inside of my wrist and the date I joined the Navy on my left forearm.

  “Everything okay?” he asked.

  I pulled my T-shirt over my head and turned my back to him so he could see my scar. It was the first time he’d seen it. And the first time I’d ever shown anybody. He stood still, his vibrant eyes sparkling as he absorbed what he saw.

  “Can you tattoo it?” I asked.

  His brow creased. “Why?”

  “Because I want it gone.”

  He stood up and came over to get a better look. With him, I didn’t feel so exposed. He was the closest person in the world to me, and I knew there would be no pity there. No judgment. No repulsion.

  “You can but I wouldn’t. Not yet anyway. It’s too fresh.” He studied it like a doctor would study a wound. “And there’s a lot to consider. The depth of the scar tissue. The possibility of nerve damage. Scar tissue holds onto the ink differently.”

  “So that’s a no?” I said, pulling my T-shirt back on.

  “Definitely not right now while it’s so new. And I’ll be honest, Brother, I’d be hesitant to do it in the future. But let me look into it.” He looked at me, trying to work out what was going on in my head. “Why do you want it gone?”

  I raised a brow at him. “Wouldn’t you?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it depends on what I went through to get it, I suppose.”

  “I’m sick of the reminder,” I said. And then it happened. In a moment of weakness, I
felt the emotion of the past year knock down a few of my barriers. I leaned against the tattoo bed, feeling the need to let some of the pain out to ease the pressure in my skull. The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. “It reminds me that I killed my girlfriend.”

  Caleb’s eyes darted to mine. “What do you mean?”

  “I was seeing a girl over there.” I let myself picture her in my head, and for the first time in a long time, thinking about her didn’t make me feel like a giant hole had been blown out of my chest. “We got close. I wasn’t in love with her, but close to it. Close enough that I thought about staying back after my tour was done and seeing where it went.”

  Caleb looked shocked and sat down on his desk. “I didn’t know. What happened?”

  I blew out a deep breath. “Turns out we were working for opposing sides.”

  “She was a—”

  “Yeah, she was one of the bad guys.”

  Even to this day, I still couldn’t believe it. When I think about the time we spent together, sharing our dreams while we shared our bodies, it still seemed so surreal. I was trained to spot a threat a thousand yards away, yet I couldn’t even see it when it was lying right beside me in my bed. That part still ached. And I don’t know if I would ever forgive myself for that.

  “I didn’t know until I saw her in my scope. Didn’t know until my commander was telling me to take the shot,” I explained.

  “And did you?”

  I thought about those last few seconds.

  I thought about seeing her in my crosshairs and the sound of my commander’s voice in my ear, telling me to take the shot.

  I thought about my bullet ripping open her chest and blowing her back three feet just as an explosion sent my world into a tailspin like a fucking tumbleweed.

  “Yeah, I did.” I glanced down but then looked up. “I put a bullet in my girlfriend. Tell me, what kind of man does that make me?”

  He stood up and came toward me. “It makes you a soldier. You did your job. You served your country.”

  “I want to forget.”

  If I forgot, then maybe I could move forward. Maybe then I wouldn’t run when a beautiful woman was beneath me. Kissing me. Wanting me.

  I thought about Cassidy and the look on her face last night, and it fucking gutted me to know I’d hurt her.

  I was tired of fighting my feelings. I wanted to kiss her and more. I wanted to sink every inch of my rock hard cock into her sweet pussy. I wanted to make her cry out my name. I wanted to feel her writhe and whimper beneath me. I wanted to make her come all over my cock and get drunk on the sound of her moans, knowing it was me making her crazy with pleasure.

  But how could I touch her after what I had done and everything she had been through?

  Caleb studied me, his eyebrows drawn. “Are you worried that you’re some kind of psycho because of what you did overseas?”

  Bingo, Baby Brother.

  When I didn’t reply, he huffed out a deep breath. “Jesus, Chance! You did what you had to do.”

  “But if I was capable of killing the woman I was falling for …”

  “It was war.”

  I told him about the girl in the shower. He ran a hand up his bare neck, his eyebrows pulled in as he listened.

  “Have you been with anyone since?”

  “No, and I’m not going to until I unpack all this shit in my head.”

  “What about Cassidy?”

  “She’s been through hell, Brother. I’m not about to drag her through mine.”

  “But you like her?”

  “Yeah,” I growled. “More than I fucking should.”

  CHANCE

  When I arrived back at the cabin, the prospects were smoking and playing cards out on the porch. After a few minutes of small talk with them, I sent them on their way.

  Cassidy was waiting for me inside the cabin, her bag packed.

  I looked at it sitting by the front door then back to her and an uncharacteristic panic shot into me.

  She was leaving.

  “Don’t,” I said, my pulse suddenly thumping against my throat.

  Tension hung in the air around us.

  “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t.” Her voice was calm and low, but full of hurt.

  “Because you’re safer here.” I struggled to swallow. “With me.”

  She shook her head. “I need something more than that. Tell me something. Anything. Make me stay. And if you can’t, then you need to let me walk out that door.”

  I didn’t want her to go.

  Not for her sake.

  For mine.

  But she was going to leave if I didn’t give her another reason to stay.

  It was time to step off the ledge and fall toward her.

  I stared across at her, knowing she was everything I had ever wanted.

  “You make me want things I gave up wanting a long time ago,” I said finally.

  My words crackled in the air around us. I had just taken my heart out of my chest and handed it to her.

  Across the room, her face softened, and she closed the distance between us.

  “Then why have you pulled away from me?” she asked. “I know you feel something for me. Why won’t you let it happen?”

  I took her beautiful face in my hands, aching to kiss her.

  “It scares me how much I want you because you deserve so much more than this.”

  “Then why did you walk out? Why were you gone all day?”

  I thought about the club hit and Bull’s refusal. I thought about the things Cassidy told me about Barrett.

  Fuck, just thinking about it made me want to kill him.

  “Barrett deserves to pay for what he’s done to you. I want to destroy him. Do you understand me? I want to hunt him down and fuck him up for what he did to you. I want him to beg and cry for mercy. I want him to feel the same pain you did and more. And when I am breaking him, I want him to know why he is being broken.” I took a step back from her, as if protecting her from the darkness pouring out of me. “But I can’t. Because the club has a code that prevents me from doing all the shit I want to do to him. So I asked Bull to put a club hit on him, and he refused.”

  Her eyes widened. “A club hit?”

  I briefly explained the rules to her before adding, “So my hands are fucking tied. I have to wait for him to make the first move.”

  Thinking about it made me white hot with rage and I knew it was written all over my face.

  But Cassidy didn’t look afraid. She looked confused. Pain filled her big blue eyes, and I was consumed by a sudden need to remove every drop of it as a fierce protectiveness swept through me.

  All of my walls were down now.

  I curled my fingers around her jaw. “You’re a fucking angel. You deserve a man who knows how to love you right. I’ve never truly loved anyone. Maybe as a kid I thought I did, but I didn’t. Not really. And it’s been so long since I’ve made love to someone I’ve forgotten what it’s like. I’ve had plenty of sex, but sex is nothing. And you… Christ, Cassidy, you deserve to be touched with respect and tenderness, and love. And until I work out how to—”

  Her eyes were fixed firmly to mine.

  “But I want you to touch me,” she said. She stepped back and started to undo the buttons to the front of her dress. “I want you to make love to me.”

  Her words struck me hard. And not in my dick. They reached up deep inside of me and wrapped themselves around my heart.

  “Angel—” I breathed, fighting every goddamn urge in me.

  Her dress slid to the floor. And just like that she was standing naked and tanned in the lounge room, looking so fucking perfect it stole my breath away. She was a goddess. So soft. So sweet. So irresistible. I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly. When I opened them again, she was moving toward me, her glorious blonde hair a stark contrast against her tanned skin, her eyes shining like sapphires. In the late afternoon light, she glowed like an angel, and every cell of my body roared at
me to let this fucking happen.

  “Touch me,” she said.

  Reaching for my hand, she placed it against her breast and my knees went weak.

  “You don’t want this,” I rasped.

  War raged inside me, because I had never wanted anything so much in my life as much as I wanted to touch her right now. It went against all the barriers I’d put up to protect myself, to protect her, from the harm I could do.

  But Cassidy ignored me and pressed her beautiful body into mine.

  “I want you,” she whispered. She lifted up on her tiptoes and brushed her lips against mine.

  In my mind, little pinholes of light were breaking through the darkness. But the darkness was resisting them, reminding me that she deserved better than this.

  That I was the monster to her angel. The beast to her beauty.

  I’d always thought my darkness was the most powerful force I’d ever known.

  But it was nothing compared to the power of her allure.

  Her lips brushed mine again, and when she whimpered, it was my undoing.

  Light shattered the darkness completely, and I growled as I surrendered and kissed her until we were both breathless.

  Her cool fingers slid to the back of my neck, and I stiffened. Her hands. They rubbed over my scars, and even though I still had on my T-shirt, there was no way they couldn’t feel the lumps and bumps of rough skin beneath the fabric.

  She hadn’t seen my scars on my back.

  Hadn’t seen the layers of rough, melted skin.

  The ugly side of war.

  But not the ugliest side of me.

  For a moment I had forgotten.

  I’d been so lost in her, I’d forgotten the ugliness inside me.

  I looked down at her, my heart aching.

  She needed to know who she was dealing with.

  “I came back from war… different,” I rasped out. “I’m not the same man I was when I left.”

  She took a tiny step back so she could look up at me. “What do you mean?”

  “My body was broken over there, Cassidy. The scars are pretty horrific. But not all the scars are on the outside.” I slid the pad of my thumb across her lips. I needed her to understand what was growing inside of me. “I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you.”