by Laura Gates
Suddenly, Dr. Bennett’s words came to his head from two weeks prior. “Who do you trust the most in your life right now?” “Evie, Luke, Kade, Rick, and you,” Beau said. “All right. A few years ago, I told you to surround yourself with your family, which you did. Phoebe was the perfect medication for you, and being involved in your kids’ lives reversed all those issues. Now that they’re gone, surround yourself with your new family,” Dr. Bennett concluded.
Beau immediately ran through the studio, looking for Evie. “Evie?” he called, trying to listen for her. Thinking of all the places she would go, he finally realized she was in the second living room, the farthest she could get away from him. Sure enough, he found her sitting on the couch with her arms folded. She still had tears coming down her cheeks, which she wiped. The one person she had grown to trust yelled at her, shaking her confidence. Are they all like this, Evie thought to herself, wondering if all guys were jerks.
Beau ran to the couch and knelt down. “Evie, I’m so so so sorry. This issue I’m having has nothing to do with you.”
“Are you sure? I’m a very stubborn human.” Evie's voice was strained from crying. She hated crying and noticed she had cried more and more since her divorce. She could not remember a time in her life when she cried this much.
“I promise. This is a problem I’ve had for years that I need to get control over.”
“And that’s okay. I understand if you’re not ready to face this yet.”
“You were right before. I need to go this year because it’s a critical one.”
Evie smiled, sitting up and wiping her tears off her face. She was super happy that Beau decided to go. As Beau stood up off the floor, he turned to look at Evie.
"Would you be able to come with me?" he asked, wanting someone he cared about with him for comfort. "Absolutely. Let me go get the kids," Evie said. Beau suddenly remembered Laila was at the studio in the back with her kids. "Actually, I will go ask Laila to watch them while she is here; that way we can be more respectful and focused on what I need to do," he said. Evie paused and knew he meant facing his fear. "Okay. If that's what you want. I will say goodbye to them," she said as she stood up off the couch.
They walked into the toy room where Beau explained what was going on. Laila was very understanding about the whole situation and willing to watch Levi and Harper. Evie kissed her kids and hugged Laila. “Thank you!” Evie said. “You’re welcome. Take all the time you need,” Laila said.
Evie followed Beau out of the studio to where the cars were parked. "Want to take yours?" Evie asked since she wouldn't need car seats. Beau hesitated. "I brought one of my choppers today. I have a second helmet in the seat," Beau said. "Oh, okay. That's fine," Evie said, wondering when the last time she had been on a motorcycle was.
Beau opened the seat, pulling out the second helmet and handed it to Evie. It was a very light pink, so she assumed it was Phoebe's. Figuring out how to run the strap through the rings, Evie attempted to secure the helmet. “Here,” Beau said, approaching Evie and feeding the strap through. His right index finger stroke her jawline, which caused both of them to gaze into each other’s eyes. The pull they felt to each other came back, but Evie turned away, trying to keep her head straight. Beau, snapping out of the trance, straddled the chopper and fired it up. He balanced it with his legs before Evie climbed on. She was very thankful she wore a leather jacket and boots that day to protect her just in case they crashed. Once Evie was on the bike, she wrapped her arms around his waist. As they both ignored the pull again, Beau sped off towards Nole's elementary school where his plaque was.
The drive was beautiful to Castro Valley. All the leaves on the trees had changed colors, and it was overcast outside. Evie could smell the salt in the air from the bay as Beau zoomed down the I-80.
Beau exited the freeway sooner than anticipated. She believed they were in El Cerrito. When they got to the bottom of the ramp, Beau turned around and asked, "Want to see the house we lived in during our second and third albums?" "Yes!" Evie said with a little too much excitement.
Beau smiled and joked, “You’ve been there before, haven’t you? Are you sure you’re not a stalker?”
Evie jabbed Beau’s ribs and answered, “Hey! Didn’t you beg your mom to paint you in an Aerosmith poster where Joe Perry was over your bed?”
“You are a stalker!” Beau teased some more.
“And yet, you hired me. So who can truly be trusted here?” Evie whimsically said.
Beau pursed his lips. “So that’s a no?” he asked her, ignoring the question. Evie laughed. “Nope, I haven’t. I’ve only seen pictures,” Evie said.
When the light turned green, he zoomed towards the house. "Do people live in it now?" Evie asked. "I think so. The owners still rent it out, but the garage we use to rehearse and write songs in is gone," Beau said.
When they arrived, Beau parked the chopper. He balanced it so Evie could get off. He put the kickstand down and climbed off himself. Both of them took their helmets off and stared at the small house. "The words 'Death Toll Mansion' really deceive people, don't they?" Evie asked with a little laugh. Beau chuckled himself. "Yeah. Even though we were making money, we still lived dirt cheap to save money for equipment, booze, hook…." Beau stopped talking. Evie laughed again. "My, how all of you have come such a long way from crazy kids messing around to husbands and dads," she said. Beau smiled.
A crazy thought entered Evie's head as she began walking towards the front door. "Are you seriously going to knock on their door?" Beau asked, feeling a little embarrassed. Evie turned around after she walked up the stoop. "Yes, I am," she said, facing Beau and knocking on the door. Beau ran up the steps where he proceeded to listen for footsteps inside the house. The footsteps grew louder as they heard a hand reach for the doorknob and turned it.
When the door opened, there was a guy with curly, dark hair and thick-framed glasses wearing a Death Toll T-shirt. He first looked at Evie followed by Beau. The man smiled once he recognized Beau. "Hey, how are you?" Beau said, holding out his hand. The man, in shock, shook Beau's hand. Evie smiled at the interaction. "Did you know you live in my old house?" Beau asked. The man stammered through his sentence, but said, "Yeah, I do. Um, would you like to come in?" Beau smiled. "No, thank you. I just wanted to say 'hi,' and I hope you like the house. It holds sentimental value to all of us," Beau said.
The man smiled. "It's a good house," he said.
“It is. Which room do you have?” Beau asked.
“The one farthest from the street,” the man said.
“Hey, that was my room!” Beau said.
“I know!” the man said with a huge grin.
“Well, hey, how about I sign something, and you can hang it on our door. That way people will know for sure,” Beau said.
The man looked like he was going to wet himself. “Yes, please! Let me go find a piece of paper!” He soon disappeared into his house and found paper and a pen. Beau signed it.
“All right, it was nice to meet you. What’s your name?” Beau said.
“Dave, and who is this hot thing with you?”
Evie turned about thirty shades of red. “Evie. I’m the Death Toll tour manager,” she said.
“A woman tour manager? That is so cool!”
“Well, Dave, I hope to see you soon. Are you coming to any shows?”
“Hell yes! I will be at all of the California shows.”
“Awesome. Well, bye, Dave.”
“Bye, Beau! Bye, Evie! If you’re single, call me!”
Seriously, Evie thought to herself, laughing. “Will do. Bye, Dave. Thank you!”
“All right, that was fun. You really are bold, aren’t you?” Beau asked as he walked back to the chopper. Evie, following him, flashed a cheesy smile. “A bit.”
“Well, thank you for being you. Yes, I get annoyed with your stubbornness, but overall, it has helped me grow.”
Evie smiled. “All part of the plan, and thank you.”
B
eau and Evie climbed back on the chopper and began their drive to Castro Valley again. Once they arrived at Nole's elementary school, Beau parked the bike. Evie followed him to the exact spot Nole's plaque was; behind the playground near the trees. Beau walked ahead of Evie since he knew where they were going. She could see the plaques from the other side of the playground. Suddenly, Beau stopped dead in his tracks, and Evie bumped into him a little bit but quickly recovered. She moved to Beau's right side, where she saw him look down. When she looked down, there on a plaque, it read:
Nolan Jay Bradshaw
January 8, 1980 - October 10, 2008
"Thank you for your music."
Near the plaque were some flowers and guitar picks in the corners. Beau rummaged through his pockets and found a guitar pick that he placed next to Nole's name. Evie rummaged through her purse, looking for anything she had that would be appropriate to lay on the plaque. Other than diapers, wipes, mints, a hair tie, and chapstick, there was nothing. Beau walked a little bit to the left where there was another plaque. There on that plaque read:
Todd Lee Bradshaw
May 12, 1977 - June 6, 1993
"We love you, Todd!"
The plaque looked a little dirty, so Evie pulled out a couple of baby wipes and began wiping it off. Beau knelt down and started helping as well. "When Nole was alive, we came here a couple of times to make sure Todd's was taken care of. I'm glad you started to clean it," Beau said, sounding a little choked up. Evie smiled at Beau. Soon, they went back to Nole's and stared at it for what seemed like a half-hour without saying a word. Evie kept looking at Beau to see if he was doing all right emotionally and ready to talk. Evie knew the story well about how Nole died. She remembered when the news went all over the Internet.
Death Toll couldn't afford to fly on airplanes yet, so they used cheap tour buses. On the drive to Copenhagen, Luke's hometown, Nole and Kade drew straws for Kade's bunk because it was the best. Since Nole got the longer straw, he got to sleep in the bunk. Kade went towards the front of the bus and fell asleep.
Suddenly, the bus began skidding and went off the road rolling. Nole was thrown from the bus where it eventually landed on him. Beau recalled that he wasn't sure if he was still alive at that point because EMT's brought a crane to pull the bus off of Nole, but it malfunctioned, and the bus landed on Nole again. Soon, the bus driver staggered to Nole’s legs and tried to tug on them. Beau yelled, cursed, and punched the driver in the nose, telling him to leave Nole alone.
The band was angry and devastated all at the same time because there was no black ice on the road. Beau walked two miles each way to be sure. Kade even related stories of Beau being so hammered after the funeral that he would often wander the streets calling Nole's name.
Evie wrapped her left arm around his waist to offer some form of comfort. When Beau felt the arm, he put his hand over Evie's trying to hold back tears. He didn't blame anyone for Nole's death; Beau knew and figured God needed him for something because Nole had way more living experiences than most people did at 28 when he died.
Beau felt a tear running by his nose, and he quickly wiped it. How he missed his friend! The best guy from Death Toll not only as a musician, but as a friend and overall human tragically died. Some old thoughts and emotions came back to Beau’s brain that he directed to God. Why did you have to leave me!? You could have shaped the metal world even more! You were supposed to move in with your girlfriend! Your parents didn’t deserve another son to be taken away from them so soon! I needed you! Your girlfriend needed you! Your parents needed you!
After a half-hour, Beau finally said something. "Want to go get a soda or something?" he asked. Evie smiled. "Sure. My treat," she said as she led Beau back to the chopper. They put their helmets on and got back on the motorcycle. Beau drove down Castro Valley Blvd where he pulled into a parking lot of a diner called Norman's Grill. The restaurant was in the shape of an old barn, which Evie thought was a cool feature, included with outdoor seating.
They went inside the building where a friendly host seated them at a table outside. Beau decided to order a strawberry milkshake and a side of fries while Evie ordered a chocolate milkshake and bacon cheese fries. After their orders went in, they sat in silence for a few minutes before Evie asked, "Beau, was it a mistake encouraging you to go visit Nole's plaque?" Beau shook his head. "No, it wasn't. I'm glad you did," he said. "Are you sure? You've been awfully quiet, which is unusual for you," Evie chuckled.
Beau laughed as well. "No, this has been good for me. I was able to process some thoughts I've been having lately." "Like what? If you don't mind me asking." "He was the best one out of all of us. He paced himself in the lifestyle, and he figured out what he wanted a lot earlier than we did. He set the tone for the band. Then when he died, it destroyed me. First my dad left, then my mom, then Nole, then Cordell, and Chloe, and Phoebe. I don’t know why everyone keeps leaving me." Evie knew Beau’s personal life all too well.
Evie suddenly felt the urge to tell Beau something a bit more personal about her that she never talked about with anyone. She hated how vulnerable it made her feel and all the crying it had caused. "Want to hear a story that might give you some perspective?” she asked. “Sure,” Beau responded, sounding a bit hopeful. “Well, my mom had cancer way back in the day when I was in seventh grade, also,” Evie said. “Didn’t know that,” Beau responded, looking at Evie with some concern. “I don’t tell anyone about it. My kids don’t even know. During that time when I heard the word, 'cancer,' I thought it meant death, but my parents reassured me that the treatments would make it go away.
"Now, I didn't watch cancer suck the life out of my mom like you did, but I saw the damage the treatments caused her as she had surgery, began chemotherapy, lose her hair, slowly lose her appetite, start radiation, and watch her body become puffy from the steroids inside the chemo drugs. It was awful; truly awful because I was also enduring a lot of bullying and ridicule as well because we all know how fun Jr. High can be,” Evie said sarcastically as Beau let out a chuckle, “and I didn't want to tell my parents or my sister these things because our family had bigger problems like whether my mom was going to survive or not. My dad reassured me she would be fine because they caught the cancer early, but again,” Evie pointed at herself, “13-year-old girl who didn’t fully understand cancer at that time.
"Probably one of the reasons why I don’t ask for help very much because other people have bigger problems than me. I know how blessed I am because I got to keep my mom, but sometimes I contemplate how different my life would be if my mom did die. Yes, I would have been very sad and tried to hide it somehow, but I think I would have come to terms with it.
"Now, you have a problem with abandonment, but you also have the choice whether or not to let this define who you are. Are you going to keep going to those dark places, or will you treasure the people you have in your life now like the band, your brothers, your sister, Levi, Harper… me?
"And maybe, just maybe, one of the reasons you have survived so many accidents is because your mom and Nole are watching out for you to ensure you are around to share your talent and passion with the world, because that's what you were born to do," Evie finally concluded.
Beau soon remembered a session he had with Pete about five years ago as well as another session he had recently with him about treasuring those he lost as well as treasuring the people in his life now. He also couldn't believe what Evie went through at such a hard time in her life. "Your mom had cancer?"
"Yes, and she even developed a tumor in her brain just before Jude and I moved to Baltimore for his big promotion. That was a hard thing to do because I wanted to be with my mom while she recovered from surgery," Evie responded.
"Twice? Wow, your family has been through Hell," Beau said.
Evie nodded. "Yep, but we overcame it, and so can you. We all love you and will be there for you, I hope you know."
Soon, the waitress brought the orders of fries and milkshakes to Beau and Evie.
"Have you thought about writing any songs?" he asked her. Evie laughed. "No. I'll leave that up to you," she teased as they each took a bite of their fries. "Thank you for coming with me today and telling me a little bit more about your life. I think I understand you just a little bit more," Beau said. Evie smiled, "Any time you need me, I'm here for you."
Suddenly without warning, words flowed into Beau's head about how he was feeling. "I need a pen," he said as he grabbed a napkin.
Evie reached into her purse again and found a pen. "Which song?" Evie asked.
"Frantic."
"Oh, cool! Care to share, or should I...?" Evie decided to let Beau finish his thought.
Once he put the pen down, Beau scooted the napkin over to Evie. She read about how Beau was done being scared of his abandonment and anxiety. He was ready to embrace his fears and vulnerability, letting go of his abandonment issues altogether. "Whoa," Evie said. "Thank you," Beau said, grabbing the napkin, folding it up, and putting it in his pocket.
Back at the studio two hours later, Beau excitedly walked in and said, "I have another verse for Frantic." Everyone froze. "Great! Let's hear them!" Luke exclaimed. Beau pulled out the folded napkin from the diner. Beau unfolded it and handed it to Kade. Rick looked over his shoulder and began reading them as well.
