Loving Annie

by Anna Huckabee

  Annie winced. “I’m sorry about that.”

  “There’s nothing you can do to change it.”

  “Thank you for understanding, Dr. Winslow.” Annie turned toward the kitchen.

  “Miss Petit. Annie.”

  She faced him again.

  “Did you ever dream of being a mother?”

  Annie flushed a deep red.

  “I know it isn’t any of my business, but I’ve been wondering about it since last night.”

  “All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother. I became a teacher because I figured there were no guarantees.”

  “Thank you, Annie.”

  Coren stared at his bedroom ceiling for a long time before he fell asleep. He heard the children start school. He heard Annie rock Darren to sleep for his nap. Despite his fatigue, his mind would not quiet.

  For one thing, there was the issue of what he would do if he was ever called away in the middle of the night. For another, there was the fact his children needed a mother.

  But Coren didn’t want another wife.

  He knew of men who had remarried quickly after their first wife died, leaving them with children. He’d always scoffed at them. How could they forget their first wife so quickly and move on to another woman? Had they truly loved their first wife if they could fall in love again?

  He’d never considered that maybe love had not been involved in the decision at all. Maybe they had needed someone to take care of them and their household. Coren was slowly realizing he didn’t need to love again, as long as the woman he married loved his children.

  And Annie loved his children.

  Coren knew what he needed to do. It was the only logical choice he had. He could marry Annie. She would care for and love the children. She would be there for them when he had to leave at night. If they were married, there would be no scandal when she stayed in the house with him alone. It felt desperate. It felt drastic. Yet, Coren knew it was the only way.

  He sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. There was no way he’d get any sleep this morning. He’d planned never to marry again. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Coren sat across the living room from Mr. and Mrs. Petit. He could see where Annie got her looks. Her father had the same dark hair, the same brown eyes, the same shape in the face and turn of the lips.

  “My wife said you wanted to discuss something with me,” said her father without preamble.

  Coren cleared his throat. He decided to begin at the beginning. “As you know, my wife died almost a year ago, leaving me with five children. Your daughter has been a blessing to me and my children these last few months. The children adore her. My youngest, Darren, can’t remember his mother because she died when he was born. He calls your daughter ‘mama’.”

  Coren took a deep breath. He’d reached the hard part.

  “My children need someone with them around the clock. Currently, I’m unable to provide for this need because of my profession. I’m a doctor and I get called away at all hours of the day and night.” He swallowed hard. “I’m asking for your daughter’s hand in marriage. I’d like your permission to marry your daughter. She would make an excellent mother for my children and an able companion for me.”

  Mr. Petit frowned. “Can you take care of her?”

  “Times are difficult right now. Money is tight. But we have everything we need. I can provide shelter and food.”

  “What about love?” asked Mrs. Petit.

  Coren had been afraid they’d ask this question. “My loss is still too recent. I don’t know if I’ll ever love again. I am fond of your daughter. Her companionship is pleasant.”

  “That’s more than we had when we married and look where we are now,” said Mr. Petit to his wife. “He can take care of her.”

  Annette Petit murmured her agreement. “I was hoping for more for my children,” she said, a sad smile on her lips.

  “You’ll have to ask our Annie. If she says no, the answer is no. We can’t afford a big to-do, but who can these days. If you mistreat her…” The man made a noise low in his throat. “You’ll wish you hadn’t.”

  “I give you my word to treat her well, sir. Your daughter is a lovely, smart woman. She deserves to be treated well.”

  “Then you have my permission to ask her. Whatever happens after that is up to her.”

  ∞

  Coren had expected his conversation with the Petit’s to be the most difficult part of his plan. But now, as he considered the next step, he realized it had been simple by comparison.

  He watched Annie feed the children dinner that evening and felt sick to his stomach. He hadn’t done her justice when he talked to her father. She was beautiful, full of sparkle and life. He didn’t want to rob her of it. She deserved a man who adored her. He was being selfish.

  “Mamamama,” said Darren before Annie gave him a bite of his dinner. The baby giggled and food bubbled back out and all over his bib.

  “You have to eat the food, Darren, not blow bubbles with it.” Annie scraped the baby’s chin with the spoon and put it back in his mouth.

  Coren watched the entire procedure and knew without a doubt he’d be selfish not to ask. His children needed her. If he was completely honest with himself, he needed her. He returned to his office and touched the wedding picture of himself and Sarah sitting on his desk. “I’m sorry, Sarah. But you left us and I can’t do this alone.”

  ∞

  Annie tapped on the office door. “I’m leaving, Dr. Winslow. The children are finishing the dishes in the kitchen. Ezra, Vivian, and Darren are playing upstairs. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Before you go, I need to ask you something,” Dr. Winslow said, rising from his seat.

  Annie entered and sat on the couch.

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” Dr. Winslow said. He sat next to Annie on the couch, rested his elbows on his knees, and stared at his hands. “I’ve come to realize over the last few months, that we can’t make it through our days without you. Weekends, when you aren’t here, are total mayhem. The children hate it when our next door neighbor has to stay with them if I’m called away. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I was called out in the middle of the night. It’s a miracle that hasn’t happened since Kat left.”

  He reached for Annie’s hands and took them in his own. His palms were rough, his hands strong. His forward gesture took Annie by surprise. She resisted the urge to pull her hands out of his grasp. He’d surely notice how rough and dry hers were. He didn’t seem to care. His thumb skimmed the back of her fingers. His eyes stared at their hands without seeing them. Finally, he brought his gaze up to meet hers.

  “I can’t promise you passionate love or adoration. I can promise I will always take care of you. I will provide for your needs. I’ll be a partner in this home. I need you, Annie. The children need you. Will you marry me?”

  Annie’s eyebrows flew up. This was the last things she’d expected from him. She didn’t know what to say in response.

  “You don’t have to answer right now. You can take some time to think about it.”

  “Thank you,” she managed. “I’m surprised, that’s all. We barely got along at first.”

  Dr. Winslow squeezed her fingers. “It was my fault we didn’t get along. I could stand to be less stubborn.”

  Annie chuckled. “I’m equally as stubborn. I’m sure we both contributed.” She squeezed his fingers in return. “I appreciate the offer, and I know how difficult it is for you to contemplate something like this. I won’t consider your question lightly.” She stood. “The children upstairs probably need you. I didn’t change Darren for bed yet.”

  Dr. Winslow stood as well. “I’ll check on them right away.”

  Annie thought about Dr. Winslow’s proposal all the way home. She was flattered he thought well enough of her to ask her to marry him and care for his children. But how was this any different than being a permanent governess
? What would happen to them when the children grew up and left home? Would they drift apart and struggle to tolerate each other?

  Annie had always hoped for a marriage based on love. She’d daydreamed about romance like any girl her age — a man to sweep her off her feet with flowers and sweet words. Dr. Winslow’s proposal had been utilitarian. He needed her. He needed someone to care for his children on a more permanent basis. There were no professions of love, no promises of a blissful future together. Annie admired him for his honesty.

  She thought about those dear children. They really did need a mother. She couldn’t imagine stepping back and letting another woman care for them. The thought alone made jealousy rear its ugly head. She loved the children, not their father. Did she love the children enough to marry their father even though she didn’t love him?

  Annie entered her house through the kitchen door. She was late, so her parents had already eaten. Her mother had left a plate of food warming on the back of the stove. Annie took her bag to her room and returned to the kitchen.

  “How was the rest of your day?” asked her mother when she bustled into the kitchen from the front of the house.

  “It went well. None of the children slept well last night. They were too excited about me staying there with them. They’re all exhausted. Vivian was cranky even after she’d had a nap.”

  “We had a caller this afternoon,” Annette said. “Dr. Winslow stopped by to ask your father for your hand.”

  “And papa gave him permission?”

  “Your papa said it was fine with him, as long as it was what you wanted. Did he ask you already?”

  Annie nodded. “He proposed before I left a few minutes ago. I’m still reeling from it. I don’t know what to tell him, Mama. I always wanted to marry for love.”

  “Marrying for love is overrated,” Annette said. She pushed Annie into a kitchen chair and plunked the plate of food in front of her.

  “Didn’t you and Papa marry for love? I always thought you did.”

  “No, Annie. We married because it was the best choice for us. My papa had six daughters and no money for weddings or dowries. Your papa had worked and scrimped and saved to come to America. He didn’t want to make the trip alone. He asked my papa if he could marry one of his daughters so he’d have a wife when he started his new life here. My papa agreed and chose me.

  “I wasn’t too keen on the idea at first, but I married your papa anyway. I didn’t have much of a choice. I found your papa was a gracious, gentle man who wanted to please me more than anything else. The better I knew him, the more I wanted to please him, too. Before long, we’d fallen in love with each other. And here we are today, decades later.”

  Annie had never heard this part of her parent’s love story. She considered her mother’s words. “What if, someday after the children are grown, we find we can’t stand each other?”

  “Love is a choice, Annie. If you choose to love him, the romantic love will grow from there. Sometimes I can’t stand your father, and he can’t stand me. But we decided long ago to love each other and that choice always brings us back to the love we should have.”

  “This isn’t how I thought my life would go,” Annie said. She poked at the food remaining on her plate.

  “Life rarely goes how we plan it. The question is, do you think this is the correct choice? If you choose to marry him, will you regret that decision?”

  “I think I’ll regret it if I say no,” said Annie. “I love those children more than I ever thought possible. Is that enough?

  “It might have to be enough, at least for now. I think you have your answer,” said Annette.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Annie overslept the next morning and rushed into the Winslow’s house as Dr. Winslow was leaving. She helped the children finish breakfast and clean up, then got them started on school. She didn’t have another chance to think about her decision until the day drew to a close and Dr. Winslow still hadn’t returned.

  “Are you going to stay with us again, Miss Annie?” asked Ava.

  “I won’t leave you children here alone. I’m sure your papa will be back before bed.”

  But she’d tucked them into bed and curled up on the couch with a library book and he still hadn’t returned.

  The clock on the mantle struck two in the morning before Annie heard his footsteps on the walk and hurried to the kitchen to let him into the house.

  “I’m sorry I’m so late,” he said as he entered. “They didn’t have a telephone and I couldn’t leave.”

  “What happened?” Annie asked. “Or can you tell me?”

  Dr. Winslow rubbed his face with both hands. Annie thought she heard a muffled sob. She rested her hand on his arm and waited until he could talk. He finally brought his eyes to meet hers and covered her hand with his own.

  “I was called to a birth. It should have been straightforward. This was her fifth child. But it was touch and go for a while. I thought I was going to lose her like I lost Sarah.” He forced the last strangled words around another sob.

  Compassion overwhelmed Annie. “I’m so sorry.” She helped him with his coat and moved the teapot to the warmest part of the stove. “Let me make you a cup of tea. You probably need to go to bed, but I think this will help.”

  Dr. Winslow’s arms came around her from behind and he buried his face in her shoulder. “I’m thankful you’re here,” he whispered.

  His touch was unexpected, but Annie found she enjoyed it. She leaned into his chest. “I’m glad I’m here, too.”

  The teapot whistled and Annie made them each a cup. She pulled the plate of food from the oven and set it on the table. Then she joined him while he ate. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

  The words tumbled out of his mouth as though once he’d started, he couldn’t stop. At first Annie was confused, then she understood which story he was telling.

  “I was away at another call,” he said. “It went long but I wasn’t worried because Sarah was fine when I left home. She was due with Darren any day, overdue, by my best calculations. He was a big baby, but so was Vivian and she’d had no trouble.

  “When I arrived home, the first thing I heard was Sarah screaming upstairs. I rushed up and discovered she’d been in labor all day. She was bleeding badly. I tried to find where the blood was coming from.”

  He dropped his fork with a clatter onto his plate. “Part of the placenta had detached before the baby was born.” His voice caught on a sob. “I should have taken her to the hospital. I should have come home sooner. The hospital could have done a cesarean section. It might have saved her.

  “Once Darren was born, I thought she might improve. But it was too late. She’d lost too much blood. She faded before my eyes.”

  He shoved himself out of his chair and paced the kitchen. “I failed her, Annie. I failed my children. I didn’t get home in time to save the one person that meant the most to me. I robbed my children of their mother. I’m no better than a murderer.” He jammed his fingers into his hair grabbed a fistful of it, and tugged on it in his agitation.

  “Tonight, I could see Sarah all over again. The birth was difficult and the mother started bleeding. I thought I was going to lose her, too.” He rested both hands on the back of a chair and leaned on them. “But she improved once the baby was born. I’ll check them again in the morning. She’ll be weak for a while, but I think she’ll be okay.

  “This,” Dr. Winslow straightened and flung both arms wide, “is what I’m asking you to be a part of. This messed up human being who calls himself a doctor. I can’t blame you for wanting to think long and hard before you agree.” His pain-filled eyes locked with hers. Annie could see something else in them, too. Was it longing and…hope?

  Annie stood and caught his hand. “I’ve already made my decision,” she said. “I would have told you this morning but I arrived late and you had to leave. I will marry you, Dr. Winslow.”

  Disbelief covered his face. “Really? Even after everythi
ng I told you, you’ll still marry me?”

  Annie cupped his face in her hand. The gesture felt too intimate for how well she knew him, but she wanted to comfort him. He didn’t try to pull away from her touch. “It isn’t your fault your wife died. You can’t know what would have happened if you’d taken her to the hospital. It’s possible even they wouldn’t have been able to save her. It was her time. My heart breaks for you and your children, but you can’t blame yourself for her death.”

  Dr. Winslow covered her hand with his own. She could feel the stubble on his cheek. His hand was rough and warm.

  “God sent you to us all those months ago,” Dr. Winslow said, his voice gravely with tears. “He knew we couldn’t go on living without you. We needed you.”

  Tears filled Annie’s eyes, too. “I’m happy to be a help.”

  Dr. Winslow’s arms wrapped around her again and he pulled her close. “You should probably start calling me Coren,” he said. “It might be weird if you don’t.”

  Annie laughed and drew back to look at him.

  Then his lips touched hers. The kiss was almost platonic. Almost. Annie had never experienced anything like it, and she found she enjoyed it. As quickly as it started, it was finished. At that moment, Annie knew she could love this man, even if he never fell in love with her.

  His eyes studied her face as he held her. Annie didn’t try to pull away.

  “We should probably be married soon,” he said.

  “We can have a quiet wedding at my church. Family and close friends only.”

  “Someday, when you think back on your wedding, will you regret if it’s too simple?”

  Annie smiled up at him. “No. I don’t think I’ll have any regrets.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  They were married the first week of December. Annette Petit prepared a small luncheon afterward at the Winslow house.

  That evening, Annie tucked the children into bed. Even though they’d discussed the wedding in the days leading up to it, Annie could tell they weren’t certain what had happened.

  She settled into the rocking chair with Darren. The other four sat on their beds.