by Jessie G
“For how long and for what purpose? Stalking is beneath you.” And illegal, but hey, that was a minor detail, right?
“On and off for a while. I wanted to know how you were.”
“How long is a while?”
“A while.”
“How fucking long?”
“Since you left.”
“Eight years?” There was no way. He would have known or seen and…even if he hadn’t, why would Alaric bother? It wasn’t like he left because he wanted to. “Bullshit!”
“Bullshit? Okay.” Alaric rarely felt the need to explain himself and apparently that hadn’t changed. Instead he set the plates down, took his seat, and began cutting his steak. “Eat before it gets cold.”
As hungry as he was and as good as it looked, Davin was prepared to starve if he didn’t get an answer. “I need you to explain it to me, Ric.”
“It was easy, really. I found a highly recommended private detective and paid him good money to keep tabs on you.” Alaric paused to savor a bite of steak and stared at him as he chewed. When Davin still didn’t touch his own, he swallowed and said, “When it got to be too much, I’d have him stop for a while, but then my curiosity would get the better of me again. He’s really good at what he does.”
As a literal response, it covered everything and nothing. Like, why would Alaric waste his money and what did Alaric mean by ‘it got to be too much,’ and… No. He wasn’t falling for this.
“Asshole, you know that’s not what I meant. Make me understand why.”
“You know why, Davin, now eat your dinner.” This time, Alaric pushed the plate toward him. “When you’re done, I left something on the bed for you.”
“It’s a little too soon for sexy underwear, isn’t it?”
He may not have gotten the answer he was looking for, but making Alaric choke on his steak made him feel a million times better.
Chapter Fourteen
Alaric
Alaric was cleaning the kitchen when Davin emerged wearing the clothes he’d left on the bed. Picking up the simple sweats, tourist t-shirt, and new running shoes had been his first stop when he went out for supplies. In the closet were similar clothes for himself, but it felt important to give Davin time alone.
“Everything fit?”
“Perfectly, thank you.”
Sliding his iPod across the counter, Alaric shrugged. “It’s just clothes. Here, I know you like music when you run.”
Before he could pull back, Davin covered his hand with his own. “Thank you for knowing I would need to run.”
“You’re welcome. Go, you have the beach all to yourself.”
Davin didn’t need to be told twice. Turning on one heel, he jogged out through the patio doors, jumped the low wall separating their property from the sand, and took off. Alaric watched until he was out of sight, sorry that he wasn’t at his side. Forcing his focus back to the task at hand, he finished cleaning the kitchen and set up the coffee pot for morning. That done, he snagged the bottle of wine and headed back to the patio to wait.
Settling into the lounge chair, feet stretched out toward the wall, he considered the view. He loved Sanibel at night, after most of the tourists had wiped themselves out having their fun in the sun. Since they were part of the preserve, their area of the island had strict nighttime rules regarding noise and outside lights. When his parents purchased and renovated the house, they removed all artificial lighting from the pool and patio area, so if they needed more than the moonlight, they had to light one of the many tiki torches installed on the property.
Tonight, all that darkness made him feel like they really were lost at the end of the world with only the moon to guide them. Where it would take them, he didn’t know and that scared him. Their relationship had been so easy once and he needed that again. The need made him feel dark and edgy, not angry, but something worse. Being called a stalker was well deserved, he had stalked Davin. The overwhelming need to know how he was, what he was doing, who he was doing it with made him weak and disgusting and no better than the predators Davin put in prison.
There were brief periods when he deluded himself into thinking the need had passed. He would call off the private investigator, find a boy to fuck, go through the motions. It never lasted, couldn’t, and then he’d be back on the roller coaster. Even his private investigator warned that he was bordering on obsession. Little did he know Alaric had passed obsession years before, when they were still high school students from different worlds falling in love despite the naysayers.
But they weren’t naïve teens anymore. They were grown men with a huge chasm of pain between them. Alaric spent eight years trying to find a way across and still didn’t have an answer. What happened changed who they were on a fundamental level and he hadn’t lied when he said they couldn’t go back. But what did forward look like?
Would Davin be willing to cede control to him again? Was it wrong that Alaric wanted him to? Before it had been a beautiful dance with no shame or regret. They hadn’t even known what it was at first, had no label or frame of reference to explain their dynamic. His parents had seen, but they never judged. John Monroe had seen, but he didn’t approve of anything anyway. Terence had seen, but who could have known he’d try to exploit it?
That was then. Now, Davin’s job was to stop sexual predators and deviants who got off on hurting others. It was easy to see why Davin chose that department. He was trying to stop the Terences of the world. But knowing that, Alaric found it hard to believe Davin would find the relationship they’d once shared appealing again.
Could he live with a different relationship? Yes, for Davin he could.
Could he have a relationship with a cop? Take on the worry day in and day out, wondering what kind of danger Davin was putting himself in and picking up the pieces when he fell apart? As hard and impossible as that seemed, the idea of living without him seemed far worse. Like a life sentence in hell. So, yes, for Davin he could.
In the end, that was really the answer to everything. If Davin gave him a second chance, then the answer was yes. Whatever he needed, whatever made him happy, however Alaric could get him…yes.
Chapter Fifteen
Davin
“Running would have been better.” Davin eyed the two empty bottles of wine doubtfully. “You suck at drinking.”
‘I’ve improved over the years.”
“Not exactly a glowing endorsement.”
“Perhaps, but the night seemed to call for a little vino.”
“Or a lot of vino. Are you capable of walking?”
“And talking and anything else you have in mind.” Alaric leered or tried to. He looked more constipated than flirty, but it was a valiant attempt.
“Oh yeah,” Davin snorted and didn’t bother to hide his amusement. “Your ability to drink has definitely improved.”
“Are you laughing at me?”
“I might be.” How could he not? Grabbing the evidence of Alaric’s binge, he jerked his head toward the doors. “Let’s go in. I need a shower.”
“So, go, leave me here with my wine.”
“Afraid I’ll ask you to wash my balls again?” He couldn’t help teasing, but it backfired on him when he saw the answer in Alaric’s eyes.
“I wouldn’t be a gentleman about it a second time, so just leave the bottles and go.”
“They’re empty and you need to sleep.”
“Fine.” Slapping his hands onto the arm rests, Alaric pushed himself up and swayed dangerously. When Davin stepped forward, he shot him a warning glare and repeated, “Fine.”
“Fine is such a bullshit word.” They lumbered in and as Alaric continued on to the bedroom, Davin called out, “Is there an alarm in this place?”
“Yeah, over there.” Alaric waved a hand down the hallway that led to the garage and rattled off the code. Since he veered off toward the bedroom, Davin dumped the evidence in the kitchen sink and went in search of the alarm panel. It seemed pretty self-explanatory, but they�
�d know otherwise if the cops kicked in the door.
In the bedroom, he saw Alaric had already dropped his pants and fallen on the mattress, so Davin continued toward the bathroom for a shower. Running on the empty beach, the waves lapping at the shore and Metallica screaming in his ears, had been just what he needed. Better than any prescription, better than any bottle of wine. The blood all but sang with joy as it pumped through his veins, urging him to go harder, faster, longer.
For the first time in forever, he didn’t think about work and what it was doing to him. He didn’t think about his empty life and what he should do to change it. Instead, he thought of Alaric. Every step, every minute, every mile was filled with Alaric.
It had been easy to believe he was the only one Terence hurt. Davin lost everything that night, from his sense of self to the man he loved, and he’d been in a tailspin ever since. It didn’t matter that he went on to build a new life; it wasn’t the life they once dreamed of building together.
In contrast, the Alaric he read about in the papers had continued on his path, finished school, thrived in his career, attended celebrity parties, and fucked pretty boys. The man in the papers wasn’t a victim and hadn’t had his world ripped apart.
But the man who showed up in his kitchen was a victim. That man wasn’t the happy, thriving, carefree person Davin believed him to be all these years. The old Alaric was larger than life, full of confidence and arrogance, he didn’t explain himself and he didn’t apologize. This new Alaric was walking on eggshells, taking care when that was the furthest from his personality. Not that he hadn’t cared in the past, it was just different.
It was unattractive, if Davin were being honest. When he looked to Alaric, Davin wanted to see his confidence and arrogance. He needed to see the dominance that made it possible for him to submit. Not because he was weak, he wasn’t, and Davin knew Alaric didn’t think he was. Simply, he believed in Alaric enough to let him lead. To want to follow. Once, anyway.
The way Alaric was acting now left him more uncertain than reassured and that made no sense even in his own mind. If he couldn’t explain it to himself how could he expect it of Alaric?
It didn’t help that he didn’t know what Alaric’s motivation was. They couldn’t rebuild on guilt. Guilt was corrosive and they deserved better. Terence broke them eight years ago and now, for whatever reason, they had two weeks to put the pieces back together. But only if it wasn’t guilt and only if Alaric started acting like the man he loved.
His mind was clearer than it had been in weeks, hell in years, and he wasn’t above admitting Alaric’s presence had always given him clarity about himself. Simply because Alaric had accepted and expected him to be himself, openly and without reservation. But that freedom to simply be was gone. What Terence did to him was horrible and what his father had done was an equal violation. In the months after Alaric kicked him out, he’d been in a fog so thick he hadn’t realized until it was too late that he was no longer Davin.
That he couldn’t find himself until Alaric had stepped back into his life should have appalled him, but he couldn’t find that emotion. All he had was hope, beyond all reasonable explanation, that Alaric was really the man he’d always believed him to be.
Chapter Sixteen
Alaric
Alaric groaned softly as he came awake. What the hell had he been thinking, drinking two bottles of wine like that? At most, his limit was two glasses, socially, over several hours. But no, sitting there all alone in the dark, wondering if he had a snowball’s chance in hell with Davin, had him drowning himself in moderately priced merlot.
“Good morning, sunshine.” The fucker was amused. “It’s good to know you’ve developed an alcohol tolerance in your old age.”
“Shut up.”
“Make me, you drunk.”
It was an outright challenge, and they both knew how much he loved a challenge. Tightening the arm he hooked around Davin during the night, Alaric pushed his hips forward until his morning erection was pressed tight between them. That should shut the bastard up.
“Like you’re in any condition to use that.”
“Are you still talking?”
“It would appear so.”
Alaric pinched the nipple closest to his hand and begged, “Will you stop talking now?”
Davin did more than that when he rolled out from under his arm and stood, stretching before he reached for the pajama bottoms he’d left on the nightstand. All Alaric could do was watch, and appreciate, the fluid movements as Davin padded into the bathroom to take care of business before leaving the suite.
When Alaric finally followed, Davin was leaning against the kitchen counter watching the coffee brew. As he downed the aspirin and water that was left on the breakfast bar, he considered the annoyance in Davin’s stance. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Something.”
“Drinking, really?” Arms in the air, Davin whirled on him in disgust. “You should have just thrown on those sweats I saw in the closet and come running with me.”
“You needed your space.”
“Because you’ve given me so much space since you broke into my apartment?”
“I didn’t break in. I had the key.” Alaric sighed. He wasn’t exactly sure what they were arguing about, but that reminder wasn’t going to help his case. “I needed the space. Okay? I had to figure out if my plan was still right.”
“Oh, is there a plan?”
“Yes, there’s a plan.” Christ, they sounded like children, snarky attitudes and all.
“Is it still right?”
“I don’t know.”
Davin stared at him for a long moment before shaking his head. “Who are you?”
“What the hell does that mean?”
The beep of the coffee pot drew Davin’s attention and he held his silence as he fixed their cups. The pounding in Alaric’s head suddenly had less to do with the wine and everything to do with the censor in Davin’s voice.
“Look at me.” When that got no response, he slammed the water bottle on the counter and warned, “Damn it, look at me when I tell you to.”
“Ah, you are still in there.” He was floored that Davin not only faced him, he smiled. “I was beginning to wonder.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Yes, he drank more last night than normal, but not enough to be this confused.
“I’m talking about this caution you’re wearing like a shield.” Davin waved a hand up and down in front of him and sneered. “It’s unattractive and it’s going to take a helluva lot more than that.”
“Again—what the hell are you talking about?” If Davin didn’t explain himself soon, he was going to lose his mind.
“Whatever we’re doing here, whatever your grand plan is.” Head cocked, mouth turned down in a frown, Davin offered him one of the cups and warned, “Don’t tell me that was the plan.”
“No, it wasn’t my plan.” How could it be when he still didn’t know what the hell they were talking about?
“Good to know. I really was beginning to wonder.”
Davin walked down the hall to disengage the alarm and then headed for the patio, leaving Alaric to think about what he said. Yet, no matter how much he rolled it around in his head, the conclusion didn’t make sense. Davin was calling bullshit because he wasn’t taking control, but the scene over the seatbelt was proof enough that Davin needed him to be cautious.
“Let’s get something straight.” Stomping out onto the patio, he found Davin lounging in the sun, looking completely at ease. What had changed while he was drinking? “You think you’re ready for me to take control, but I’m not that naive.”
“There is a difference between taking control and being confident. I’ve never seen you uncertain, Ric.” Davin peered up at him and frowned. “And maybe I’m just like everyone else who expects too much from you, but if you don’t believe we have a shot, assuming that’s why we are here, then how can I?”
Only a couple o
f days ago, Davin sounded ready to write this off as closure. A chance to clear the air and move on. Now, he was practically begging to be convinced otherwise and Alaric almost missed it. “That’s why we are here.”
“But you don’t believe it’s possible?”
“I think we need some answers before either of us believes.” He had to be honest even if it wasn’t the answer Davin needed. “Right now, all I have is hope.”
“Hope,” Davin repeated softly. “Okay, that makes sense. But are you still you?”
“Yes.” Looking closely, he realized something else. Davin had pulled it together and he had been too stupidly drunk to appreciate it. “More importantly, are you still you?”
“We’ll find out.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“Truth is, I’ve only ever been me with you.” Davin lifted his face to the sun and took a fortifying breath. “I haven’t been me in a long time.”
“Sounds like you’re ready for this conversation.”
“If you’re not too pathetically weak from getting your drink on.”
Davin’s teasing smile went a long way in soothing his pounding head. “I think I’ll survive.”
“I need to know something first.”
“All right.”
“Is this guilt?”
“I won’t lie and say I don’t have regrets but, no, this is not guilt.” When Davin nodded, Alaric turned the tables. “Now I need to know something.”
“Anything.”
“Why didn’t you trust me to stand for you?” Trust had been at the core of their relationship from the very beginning and Alaric had no idea when he lost Davin’s. He would do anything to earn it back, they couldn’t really move forward otherwise, but he needed to understand where he went wrong. “Why did you leave me?”
Chapter Seventeen
