by Jessie G
Alaric
“I didn’t.” Davin recoiled and his hand flew to his chest as if he’d taken a direct hit. That hadn’t been his intention. Hurting Davin was never his intention. But he was stuck, eyes glued to Davin’s mouth as he tried to make sense of the words coming out. “I didn’t leave you, Ric.”
“Really?” The way Davin looked at him, torn between baffled and destroyed, almost made him back down, but he had to know. He had to fix it. “Because I know you haven’t been living with me these last eight years! Did I ever give you a reason to think I wouldn’t believe you? That I wouldn’t stand for you?”
“No, Ric, no!” Voice rising, Davin jumped to his feet and stepped back until the lounge chair was between them. “I didn’t leave you. You kicked me out!”
“How could I have kicked you out? I never even saw you!”
“When I got back to our apartment, my stuff was in boxes outside the door. There was a note.”
“I wouldn’t have.” Alaric came prepared to own up to all his mistakes, but he knew—he fucking knew—who left who.
“You said I was a disgusting, disloyal whore and that you never wanted to see me again.”
“No way, Dav, no!” There was nothing Davin could have done that would have made him think those words, much less say them or, fuck, write them down. But more than knowing he hadn’t done it; he couldn’t figure out why Davin believed he would. “You know me better than that. You know I would never have done that to you.”
But Davin was shaking his head. Refusing his explanation. Denying that he knew him at all. “When I got back to the apartment, I just needed you to hold me and tell me it would be all right. That I would be all right. I was…”
Unable to stay back, Alaric risked stepping closer. “You were what, Dav?”
Davin didn’t retreat, but his wary expression stopped Alaric cold. The very last thing he wanted was for Davin to fear him. “I wasn’t in any condition to go anywhere. It hurt so much and all I could think was that if I could get to your arms, you’d make it all right, you’d fix me. Then I found the boxes, the note. I didn’t want to believe. I went through the apartment, but you weren’t there. I would have begged at that point, but you weren’t there. So, I left just like you asked.”
Torn between begging Davin to believe he would never do such a thing and needing Davin to know he was listening, Alaric asked, “Where did you go?”
“Home to my father.”
“Not at first.” Alaric had gone to John Monroe’s house. Had pushed his way in when Davin’s father stopped him at the door and tried to tell him Davin wasn’t there. But the man hadn’t been lying. He’d gone back the next day and the day after, enduring John’s laughter at his desperation to find Davin.
“No, I couldn’t show up at home in the condition I was in. He would have said I got what I deserved, so I found a little motel somewhere and stayed until I ran out of money.”
They stood staring out at the water, trying to make sense of what was said and failing. Between them, the chasm seemed to be growing and Alaric knew, in order to contain it, they couldn’t hide anymore. They needed to face the past in the one place they always felt safe so there would be no doubts on either side.
Without a word, he snagged Davin’s hand and led them back to the bedroom. “Wait here.”
Alaric returned with candles from the hurricane preparedness kit and found Davin standing where he’d been left. Alaric set the candles on the nightstand and found the switch that would close the window blinds until it was almost completely dark. “Strip the bed.”
He could see the curiosity on Davin’s face as he pulled all but the fitted sheet off the bed, piling the pillows and blankets in the corner while Alaric lit the candles. “You remembered.”
“I told you I remember everything.”
After that first kiss, Alaric asked him to paint the bleak picture, to trust him with the good and the bad. Davin had taken them to his small room and, embarrassed to have Alaric see how poorly they lived, he closed them in. Covered the windows and stripped all but the fitted sheet off the bed. Over a single small candle, they faced each other on the bed, their knees touching. Maybe it was the darkness or the closeness, the feeling that they were the only two in the world, but Davin found it easier to tell his story that way. From that point on, if one of them needed to talk, they simply had to set the scene and the other one would know.
Taking his position in the middle of the bed, he watched Davin climb up, holding his breath until their knees were touching. Somehow, inexplicably, that seemed more intimate than lying together in bed the last few nights. When Alaric reached for his hands, squeezing them encouragingly, he could see Davin let down his guard.
“Dav, I need you to tell me what happened that night.” For too long, Alaric hadn’t known why Davin left him. Then, after Terence confessed, he thought he understood. His brother had been so eager to brag, to hurt him, that he never considered there was more. Now, he knew the only version that mattered was Davin’s.
“All of it?”
“Trust me with the good and the bad.” When Davin hesitated, Alaric squeezed his hands again. “I know I’m asking a lot, but please trust me one more time.”
“You know my father was pushing me to drop out of college and join the academy. He was so determined that he’d gone to the bank and cleaned out my tuition account. All the money I had saved up for the next semester, for my share of the rent on our apartment…he took it all.”
“The bank allowed that?”
“He was probably fucking one of the tellers. That’s how John did things.” Davin tried to shrug it off, but Alaric could see that he was still hurt. “We fought, I raised hell at the bank, but in the end, I was screwed. You had convinced me to put some money away in another bank. Remember? Diversify, you said.”
“You used to yawn when I talked about financial planning.”
“Yeah, cause it ticked you off. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening.” The words came with a small grin, like it was an inside joke, and Alaric once again found himself breathing easier. If they could still find a reason to smile, then they could do anything. “I figured I had enough to cover my share of our rent and that you would understand if I was short. Then I figured if I put school on hold and got a couple of jobs, I could save up the money John stole and get back on track. But I also knew if I told you why I was going to take a semester off, you’d go ballistic.”
“I’ve never gone ballistic on you.”
“On John. You’d go after him for stealing the money or try to pay for it yourself or…” Davin shrugged. “I needed advice.”
“Claire.”
“You were at that competition up in Palm Beach and weren’t due home until late, so who better? Of course, she was happy to listen. The way Claire treated me was beyond anything I ever dreamed having a mother would be like. We talked for hours and she worked her magic like she does. Then Terence came down half-cocked and she became visibly upset. I hated seeing her like that. So, when she asked me to drive him wherever he was going, I said yes.”
“Of course.”
“He was an ass like he always was. Bitching and complaining, screaming at your mother, and when we were on the road, I lit into him. Told him to show her some respect. I knew he was angry, but he shut up and that’s all I needed. He was huddled against the door for the rest of the drive, tapping away on that stupid pager he used to carry, and glaring at me any time he thought I was looking. Didn’t matter. I would get him where he was going and be on my way. If he wanted to get back home, he could call a cab or a hitch a ride. Either way, he wouldn’t be my problem.”
Davin paused as the memories flooded back and as close as they were, Alaric couldn’t miss the panic creeping in. “I’ve got you.”
“I just need a second.”
“Take more if you need it, just don’t hide from me.”
“I’m not. It’s just—” Davin swore softly. “I should have known better.”
“What? No.” He absolutely would not let Davin shoulder any of the responsibility for what happened that night. “He’s the only one to blame.”
“Just listen!” he shouted, reared back, and then rushed to say, “Terence wanted to go to a bar in Hialeah. There were two guys by the door, and they started roughing him up as soon as he got close. I couldn’t just drive away, Ric, and let him get hurt. But when I tried to stop them, they let him go and turned on me. I didn’t realize, not until I saw him smile, that he set me up. Somehow, two became five. I fought, but… Three of them had me locked down, my eye was bleeding, and then I saw the biggest of them take the swing before everything went dark. When I came to, I was groggy, like I was wading through quicksand, and I could barely move.”
“He drugged you.” Alaric tried to keep his voice even, but inside, he was filling Davin’s story in with the details Terence had taken great pleasure in sharing and it was killing him.
“Yeah. My pants were jerked down around my ankles. There were hands everywhere, holding me down, touching me. I kept falling in and out of consciousness. They took turns while Terence watched and laughed. At some point, I blacked out completely and when I came to, I was sitting in my car. It hurt to fucking breathe, my body was disgusting… I didn’t think about going to the police or the hospital, just you. That if I got to you, you’d make me all right again.”
He wanted to reassure Davin and make him believe that he would have made it better. That he would have made Terence and every other person involved in that night pay. Only, he hadn’t, had he? He hadn’t done one damn thing to make it right.
“It was late. You should have been home. But when I got there, all I saw were the boxes and the note. I went in anyway. I thought, if I could just explain, you would believe me.”
“I would have.” It wasn’t just pretty words. He would have believed anything Davin said.
“Except you weren’t there. It was the middle of the night and you weren’t there. I searched the apartment, but you weren’t there because I was disgusting, and you never wanted to see me again.” The words were coming so fast they were tripping over each other in one long ramble before Davin lost steam and slumped forward. “What else could I do? I took the boxes and left. There was no way I was going home, so I found a motel.”
The urge to deny that he would ever kick Davin out was riding him hard. But if he wanted Davin to tell him everything, he had to be willing to listen. “You didn’t go to a hospital?”
“And explain that I was raped? Or risk having them call my father?” Davin shook his head. “I couldn’t do that.”
“Davin, you were hurt. Who took care of you?”
“I showered and then I showered again. It felt like I couldn’t get clean. When the water wouldn’t get hot again, I huddled in the bed and prayed that when I woke up it would all be a bad dream. But it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. Terence set me up. He made those people hurt me. And then you kicked me out. One second, I had this happy life, and the next…nothing. All I had was the money in that second account, and I stayed at the motel until it ran out. Then I went home.”
“You never went to a doctor?”
“Not then, no. John said if I wanted to stay, I had to join the academy.” Davin laughed darkly and lifted his head, leveling Alaric with his anger. “No surprise there, huh?”
Was he surprised that John found a way to exploit Davin when he was at his most vulnerable? Not even a little bit and it pissed Alaric off that he wouldn’t get to bring that bastard to his knees either.
“I could have argued, but why bother? I lost everything, my whole body hurt, and…I had no idea how far the damage went. I needed the insurance and the academy was the fastest way. By the time I was covered, all the physical injuries had healed, but I found a doctor and insisted he test me for everything. After he made me tell him why, he did a full physical and set up regular testing.”
“How bad?”
“Every six months for years, long after the critical window. I never tested positive for anything. I’m clean. Other than that, he found a couple of already healing ribs, peripheral damage to one eye, and some nerve damage in my left hand where they cut me.” When Davin ducked his head again, Alaric followed his gaze and saw the scar on his hand. “Now I just have reminders.”
“Davin.” Were there any words in the English language adequate enough for this moment? To hear all that, to know the man he loved suffered repeatedly at the hands of his brother…
“You wanted to hear it all, so let me finish.” The way Davin looked at him, as if he were hanging on by a thread, shut Alaric up. “A year after I graduated, I was on patrol in Miami Lakes and we got a call about some drunks disturbing the peace. Wouldn’t it figure that we’d roll up on Terence and a couple of guys, bombed out of their minds and throwing bottles at passing cars?”
“Christ.” When Davin said there was more, Alaric didn’t think it could be worse.
“I didn’t want to go near him, but I didn’t want him spewing shit about me to my partner. While I was arresting him, he took great pleasure in telling me how he told you and your parents that I’d gone happily into the bar with him that night. How I started drinking and hitting on every guy there. How I’d taken on six of them right there on the dance floor. He said you were all disgusted to have ever let me into your lives.”
That was pretty much the exact story Terence told that night. “We didn’t believe him.”
Davin continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “Then he said he was willing to do me again, even if I was his brother’s castoff. My partner was pissed when I let them go with a warning, but what could I do? I couldn’t arrest him, couldn’t risk bringing him to the precinct and having him tell that story to my coworkers. I was a coward.”
“You were scared.”
“Same thing,” he snapped. “I had my chance and I let him go. That’s why I went into SVU.”
“I don’t understand.”
“A few months after that incident, I was driving a fellow officer home and passed that bar in Hialeah. I became obsessed and started staking the place out on my nights off. I’m not a violent person, you know I’m not, but if I had recognized anyone…” Alaric didn’t need Davin to finish. If he had recognized anyone, he would have gotten his justice—one way or another. “I never did, but I started noticing other things and kept going back until, one night I saw a couple of armed men squirrel a handful of kids through the back door, bound and gagged. I called it in.”
“You did the right thing.”
“For those kids? Yes. But something inside me snapped when the cops started swarming the place. I don’t even recall getting out of my car, but suddenly there I was, gun drawn, desperate to help. The detective that had been called as primary took notice, said I helped them crack a trafficking ring they’d been trying to take down for years. Job well done, pat on the back, did I want to transfer? I should have said no, Ric. Even after what happened to me, I had no idea what I would see every day or how it would affect me.”
“I don’t think anyone could, Davin, but I understand why you said yes. You stand for others because no one stood for you.” Like I didn’t stand for you.
“Maybe.” There was no doubt in Alaric’s mind, and deep down, he was certain Davin felt the same way. “Anyway, I worked my way up and got promoted to Detective when the guy who convinced me to transfer took a bullet. I’ve been taking primary ever since.”
“Not alone?”
“I have a partner, but he got clipped in a bodega robbery a few weeks ago. He’s done until he gets medical clearance. There are other Detectives—whoever gets the call is the primary—but SVU’s shorthanded because of budget cuts so I’d been making do with the uniforms.”
“More than making do. You caught a serial killer.”
“I know I’m supposed to feel pride and a sense of accomplishment, but… The rush of finding and taking down a monster like that knowing, if I needed to, I would pull the trigger is like
a drug high. Fake. Not me at all, but it’s there inside me, nonetheless. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, to me it makes perfect sense.” Because the Davin he knew was loving and genuinely good. It took something else entirely to face down evil every day and not get consumed.
“When I saw Terence that night—” Breath shuddering through his body, Davin squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, “When I knew he was dead… I was glad.”
That shame was his final straw. Alaric released Davin’s hands and cupped his face, raising him up until there was no place to hide. “Feeling that wasn’t wrong.”
“Where were you?” Eyes glistening, voice raw, Davin begged, “Why weren’t you there?”
Chapter Eighteen
Davin
“I was looking for you.” Alaric’s answer was so simple, so logical, and Davin never even considered it. “The convention ran late, traffic was a nightmare, and I didn’t get home until after eleven. When I realized you weren’t home and that you hadn’t left a note, I got worried. I called around to a few friends, tried your father, but no one had seen you, so I called my parents. Mom told me you stopped by to talk and then you went out with Terence.”
That made it sound like they were two friends hanging out, which was never true, and he couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of Claire claiming such a thing.
“I only just recently found out that she asked you to drive him because he was drunk.”
“She felt guilty.” As surprised and hurt as he was by her omission, Davin hated knowing she carried any guilt at all. Without knowing it, they played into Terence’s game, and the damage he left behind went far beyond that one night.
“Yes, she’s been keeping that secret for too long. She did, at the time, say that you and Terence had left the house just after eight. I couldn’t believe you would voluntarily spend three hours with my brother, so I got back in my car and drove to all the places I knew he frequented.”
“Frequented?” Davin scoffed, “You mean places you had to rescue him from after he got in trouble.”
