by Jessie G
“Those too, only no one had seen either of you. I called the police, but it was too soon to file a report. I called the hospitals. I tried our friends again. It was getting late, I was getting nowhere, and finally, I drove over to my parents’ house to see what else they could tell me. Terence was already there. High as a kite and laughing like a loon while Mom cried. I tried to intervene, but he was ready for me.”
“Fucking prick.” The hate he felt for Terence was like poison in his veins. Infecting him, changing him, and he didn’t know how to extract it.
“You’re being too kind,” Alaric admonished softly. “And I’m going to spare us the details he was so happy to share. I heard every word, and yeah, he was my brother, but I knew he was a fucking liar, and more importantly, I knew you weren’t the guy he was describing. When he realized we didn’t believe him, he started embellishing, and the more mom cried, the more excited he got. I don’t remember hitting him, barely remember Dad pulling me off, but I’ll never forget the way he stood there, dripping blood and laughing at us.”
“He was a very sick man, wasn’t he?”
“Don’t look for an excuse because there’s nothing…nothing…that could absolve him of what he did to you.”
He hadn’t meant it as an excuse or absolution, nor did he have it in him to forgive, but he wasn’t the only one Terence victimized. Before this conversation was over, he would make sure they both understood that.
“Dad tried to calm me down, which wasn’t happening. It was imperative that I find you, but when I got back to the apartment, you still weren’t there. Then I saw the closet was half empty, the dresser too, and… Somehow, while I was running around town searching for you, you had run out on me.”
Though Alaric’s voice remained calm and steady, the hands holding his tightened painfully. It was a shocking display of emotion and Davin didn’t think, he just squeezed back. He wanted to reassure and encourage, and he knew that wasn’t something Alaric was used to getting. Giving, yes, and Davin had once been the sole recipient.
Alaric proved it every single day they were together. His actions deliberate and clear that he was the one Davin could count on always, for anything. So why, in the worst moment of their lives, had he believed something that couldn’t possibly be true? Why had he doubted the only person that ever lifted him up, supported and loved him?
“That’s how it looked, anyway.”
How it looked. Because if Alaric hadn’t kicked him out, and he hadn’t voluntarily packed up his belongings, then… “Did Terence set that up too?”
“Who else?”
No one. At least, not on their own. “But how? He was drunk before we left the house and you said he was high hours later. If he was that fucked up, how did he set me up at the club, then race to our apartment to box up my stuff and write a perfectly legible note, and then get back before I came to? How was he able to put me back in my car and still beat you to your parents’ house so he could tell his story?”
“You said it yourself when we searched his apartment. Terence was just as good at playing high, as he was at being high.”
Actually, he meant it in the reverse. That Terence was good at appearing sober when he wasn’t, then flipping when it would have the most impact. But if he could do both? Elias called him a psychopath and a kindred spirit. Did that mean he was an actor who got bested by someone even more deranged? “He planned the whole thing.”
“I think so, yes. We know he craved the attention he got by being the bumbling addict and that was only one of his vices. He was malicious and cunning, and thrived on the satisfaction of destroying people’s lives. Do you think he could have pulled off his exploits if he was really drunk or high? Because I don’t. What he did takes planning and a serious attention to detail.”
Though he really didn’t want to, the cop side of his brain latched on and needed to work it through. “If he was listening to my conversation with Claire, then he would have known you weren’t due back until late.”
“It’s a good assumption. I would also add he was probably pissed that you were taking up her time and attention.”
“Pissed enough to make a scene. Act drunk, garner her concern, and here comes Davin to the rescue. He knew she wouldn’t want him driving in that condition and he was counting on me to step in.” Unlike Elias who lived to take risks, Terence had every reason to believe his ruse would play out exactly the way he wanted. “After that, he had hours. I was in and out of consciousness at the club and wouldn’t have known if he left or when he came back. He would have needed help tracking you, but he could have done it.”
“Yes. The only way the ruse would have worked was for him to wait until I came home from the convention and then leave again to look for you. That gave him a window to enter the apartment to set the scene, get back to the club to put you in your car, then go to our parents’ house to spin his tale. Seems tight, but you’re right. With help, he definitely could have done it.”
“All along, I thought he arranged it because I lit into him on the ride over.”
“That would be bad enough, but no, I think he was planning it for a while, he just needed the opportunity and I gave it to him by going to the convention alone.”
“How blind was I not to see that he hated us that much?”
“Bethany saw and tried to warn me. I just believed we were stronger than he was.”
“Didn’t you just tell me he was the only one to blame?” He had and they both knew it, but while Alaric would repeat it until Davin understood, he didn’t have the capacity to take his own advice. It was on him to make sure they both got the message. “Don’t you dare take that on.”
“Fine.”
“Fine is such a bullshit word.” One he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear again after this conversation. “You said you hadn’t seen Terence in the last year…”
“No, I said no one had seen him in the last year. I haven’t seen my brother in eight years. When I realized you were gone, I went to John’s house and pushed my way in when he said you weren’t there. He laughed in my face and I was afraid I was going to pick up where I’d left off with Terence, so when I realized you really weren’t inside, I walked away.”
“Ric…”
“I listened, now it’s your turn.” Unlike him, Alaric didn’t duck his head in shame when he admitted, “I felt helpless. Not being able to find you. Not knowing how you were or if you were even alive or… I tracked my brother down. We had… Well, it doesn’t matter how it went down. Once I was sure you were out there somewhere, probably hurting, but definitely alive, I parked myself in front of John’s house and kept returning until I saw you.”
“You saw me?”
“Yes. I watched you unload boxes from the back of your car. After days of worrying and waiting and being more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life, you just moved back home without a word to me. Even if I was right to believe that Terence set it up, you still left and…” Alaric shook his head. “I couldn’t figure out where I lost your trust or how to get it back or if I even deserved it.”
“You mean eight years ago.” Davin whispered. “Right?”
“Then,” he agreed. “And now. Finally knowing what happened doesn’t change the reality, Dav. You didn’t trust me to help you.”
“That’s not true. I…I wasn’t thinking straight that night.”
“I know.” Alaric visibly hesitated, which he never did, before adding, “But what about the next day or the time you spent at the motel? Or the weeks, months, and years since. Or when you got my texts and messages.”
Alaric was right. By the time he thought about his phone, it was dead, and he didn’t charge it again until he got to his father’s house. There were hundreds of voicemails and unread messages from Alaric and his parents, but instead of listening, Davin deleted everything and blocked the numbers.
“I’m being unfair,” Alaric murmured when he didn’t respond. “You were hurt and…”
“I ran away.” He may no
t have packed his bags, but he did something worse. He forgot that Alaric would never let him down and by doing so, they lost each other. “But it wasn’t because I didn’t trust you, Ric. I didn’t trust myself. My head was fucked up for a long time and when I finally came out of it, my life was no longer my own. It was easier to be angry at everyone, you included, than face the truth. Terence wanted to hurt us, and I let him.”
Davin had been holding that in for so long, it had become a part of everything he did and the reason for everything he didn’t do. He never expected to share it and hadn’t known how much better he would feel. Was that weird? It should be. He just admitted to ruining their lives and he felt…relieved?
“We all made mistakes.” Alaric squeezed his hands when he would have argued, and stressed, “All of us. The question is, what are we going to do to fix it?”
If Alaric was still willing to give him a second chance after learning the truth, there was only one answer he could give. Only one he wanted to give. “Trust each other.”
“Exactly.”
Chapter Nineteen
Alaric
“Since we’re confessing, I should probably tell you that you’re not the only stalker on this bed.” A small smile lifted the corners of Davin’s mouth, easing some of the pain they dredged up during their conversation. Alaric would do anything to erase it for good. “But I got off cheap.”
“How so?”
“I didn’t have to pay a private investigator, I just had to pick up the latest tabloid.”
“Ah, the finest fabrication money can buy.” Alaric didn’t understand their obsession with his family and seeing his picture on the covers was just weird.
“Were they all fabrications?”
“Are you asking if I dated?” While he would never use that word to describe the men that had filtered through his life, the fact that there were other men could be an issue. In the very strictest of terms, he wasn’t cheating, even if he did feel guilty afterward. Nor did he think Davin would hold those fleeting attempts at comfort against him. The problem wasn’t that he had, it was knowing that Davin hadn’t at all.
“You’re choosing your words and that’s against the rules.”
When he’d said that these bed conversations had to be open, with no holds barred, Alaric had done it to get Davin to open up to him, not the other way around. With a mother who had walked out when he was still in diapers and a bitter bastard for a father, there was so much hurt in Davin. And because he was embarrassed by how they lived, he never made close friends, and never had anyone to share the truth with.
“Ric, if you don’t spill it, I’m going to think you’re ready for that ass kicking now.”
“Ah, baby, as if you’d ever.” The endearment shocked them both and it was all he could do to cover. “You’re right though. I was choosing my words and that’s against the rules.”
“Then go on.”
“If I stood still, I’d go crazy, so I kept moving. Extra classes at school, volunteering for projects at work, then taking on extra responsibility when I graduated. There were…men. Nameless, faceless substitutes that left me feeling angrier and more alone than ever.” Desperate, if he were being honest with himself. Vulnerable, though he hated admitting that, even to himself. “When I couldn’t take the silence anymore, I would call the private investigator for an update. I knew when you joined the academy. I knew you were still living with John. I even went there sometimes. Watching for you, wanting to be close to you, but too afraid to get out of the car.”
“You don’t fear anything.”
“I feared confronting you and having you tell me to my face that you were done with me. You saw me as confident and arrogant, but you never saw how badly I needed you. What we had, whatever label anyone else would have given it, was everything to me and losing you was devastating.”
“What do a couple of teenagers know about relationships?”
“Exactly, what the hell did we know? Labels, dynamics, all that boiled down to being with you was the most wonderful experience of my life and every day was better than the next. I felt that way before we crossed the line, and taking that step freed us.” While they never hid their relationship, they had been together two years before Alaric very publicly and possessively staked his claim. Like their first kiss, he did it without asking, and Davin responded as if he’d just been waiting for it to happen. “Empowered us.”
“Empowered?” Davin laughed outright and Alaric couldn’t contain his grin. “Not sure the guy you eviscerated would use that word. Do you even remember his name? I always wanted to thank him for pissing you off. Up until that point, you were keeping those bossy tendencies in check, but you were so fucking hot when you went all possessive and domineering.”
“The way you looked at me, it was all I could do not to toss you over my shoulder.” And remembering left him in the same predicament. “Sadly, I don’t recall his name. I honestly don’t even know why I snapped. It wasn’t the first time someone flirted with you.”
“You snapped because he touched me. Apparently, flirting is all in good fun until the asshole reaches out and cups your boyfriends face. The way you exploded—he may as well have grabbed my cock. And after, the way you fucked me and made me say your name while you pinned me down. It was as if you had to possess me and it can’t be wrong that I wanted you to.”
“No, it wasn’t wrong.” They never would have used that word to describe their evolving dynamic and he didn’t like hearing Davin say it now. “Not between us.”
“Afterward, I did wonder if you would see me as weak, but you never did.”
It didn’t sound like a question, but the way Davin looked at him as if waiting for confirmation, had Alaric rushing to answer. “Weak? No one could ever make that mistake.”
“I don’t care about anyone else. I’m just glad you didn’t. Hey, why did we even go to that party anyway?”
“Why else? Mom was friends with someone’s mother, and she had accepted for us.”
“Ah, the things we did for the love of your mother. She’d call us all fools for doing anything we didn’t want to do, just for her.”
“Yes, and she’d be right.” Remembering a happier moment made it harder to get the conversation back on track, but they had to air it all out so they could finally let the past go. “I guess he never told you, but John saw me parked on the street and confronted me. He told me I fucked up and that I shouldn’t mess up your life anymore.”
“He was wrong.”
“Was he?” Alaric wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t been at fault, Davin was still safer away from him and his family. “If you saw me back then, would you have been able to tell me what Terence did? Would you have been willing to come back to me? Or would you have tried to keep it a secret, knowing you might have to see him again because you didn’t tell me?”
“Both! Yes, because I wanted you to know that I would never have been disloyal to you.” Davin sucked in a harsh breath and finally shook his head. “And no, because the truth would have destroyed you and your family.”
“Is that why you never pressed charges?” Alaric wasn’t surprised when Davin nodded. That willingness to sacrifice himself to protect others made him the very best of men and was also why the job was eating him alive. It was why Alaric spent the better part of five years trying to anticipate Davin’s needs. Not because he wasn’t capable of taking care of himself, but because Davin didn’t think his own needs were as important as everyone else’s. “I knew you were never disloyal.”
“I believe you.” He’d been wanting to talk to Davin for so long, to finally get to the truth in the hopes of figuring out a way forward to together. But up until Davin said those words, Alaric hadn’t realized how desperately he needed to hear them. Relief flooded him, burning through years of anger and bitterness, and leaving the shimmer of possibility in its wake. “I don’t like knowing you were afraid to talk to me.”
“I know. You wanted to see me as strong and
fearless. But, in truth, your submission made you stronger than I ever was.” Alaric didn’t have a problem with the words themselves. He just didn’t think they were enough to describe the relationship they once had, and he didn’t want them to define the relationship they could build again.
Though Davin nodded, he didn’t look any more comfortable with the description. “It was so much easier when we didn’t have labels for it.”
“Yes!” But then, everything was once upon a time. “I miss the way you read my mind.”
“I’ve missed you.” Davin ducked his head. “Can it be that easy?”
More than anything, Alaric wanted to say yes. Yes, he missed Davin. Yes, they could move forward. Yes, as long as they were together. “I want to say yes, but...”
“But?”
“I have a stack of reports in my office at home. Some of them I’ve never read. Others I know by heart. All of them say the same thing. While I was trying to learn how to live some kind of life without you, you weren’t living at all.” When Davin looked at him in confusion, Alaric had to admit, “I know you didn’t date. I don’t know what I would have done if you had, but it worries me that you didn’t try.”
“Oh.” Watching Davin blush was a new experience for him. They learned everything together and he didn’t think he’d ever gotten that particular reaction. “For years, I couldn’t handle being touched, not even casually. I worked through it, but…dating? Trusting someone that much? No. I never met anyone who made me feel safe or whole or… Only you ever did that for me, and I wasn’t going to settle for less.”
“Dav—”
“No,” Davin whispered. “Don’t say my name like that. Like you feel guilty. You promised this wasn’t guilt.”
“I can’t help but have regrets though. All the pain, all the years we lost. I don’t feel guilty, I feel—” Helpless. Lost. Desperate. Afraid. “Stupid. If I had listened to Bethany and shared her concerns with you, maybe you would have been more cautious.”
