by Jessie G
“And I probably still would have agreed to drive him.” Davin frowned and shook his head. “No, I know I would have agreed. He had the upper hand because he knew who we were, and we didn’t have a clue what he was capable of. How could I have possibly known he would get himself roughed up on purpose? I couldn’t, but he knew or had every reason to believe I would step in.”
“Because he knew you were the better man.” As jealous as Terence was, as much as he hated them, it was easy to believe Davin’s genuine goodness only made him angrier. “I imagine that’s what makes you a good cop.”
“I hate it.”
“I know.” Alaric wanted to tell him to quit and go back to school. He wanted to promise to take care of him again, but he didn’t have that right yet.
“You’re the only one who does.”
Alaric knew only a selfish bastard would be pleased by that admission, but he was, and he knew Davin knew it, expected it, and wanted that possessive part of him. “You think I'm the strong one but, Davin, you’re the one who walked through the door. With eight years and a whole world of misunderstanding and pain between us, and knowing you were bringing death with you, you still walked through the door. I never got out of the car.”
“Because you were afraid or because you were protecting me?” When he frowned, Davin smiled. “You asked if I would have come back to you. The answer is the same now as it would have been then—of course, I would have come. It wasn’t the violation that destroyed me, it was the loss of my heart. If you had asked, I would have come home.”
“I’m afraid that soft heart of yours is giving me too much credit.”
“Bullshit. Do you think I don’t know how many times you shielded me from things you thought would hurt me? Come on!” Davin scoffed. “We were openly gay in school, but no one ever said anything to me. Not one single slur and it wasn’t because I was intimidating anyone.”
“And you think I was?”
“Some idiot tried to get in my face after school one day and his friends yanked him back before he could utter a word. Said they didn’t want any trouble with my boyfriend.” Alaric didn’t attempt to duck Davin’s pointed glare. He was guilty and they both knew it. “Were you driving around threatening people?”
“No, nothing quite so dramatic. Remember that idiot, Mark Dwyer… Dower… Something like that?”
“From my math class?”
“If you say so.” Alaric had no reason to know what classes they shared because Mark wasn’t anyone important to Davin until he made an ass of himself. “He saw me idling at the curb outside your job one afternoon and started running his mouth. I might have shut it for him.”
“My hero.”
“But I’m not, don’t you see?” Not when it counted. Not when Davin needed him the most. “I wasn’t there for you. I couldn’t find you. And when I did, I was afraid to talk to you.”
“You’re making this all about me, but what about you?” Davin demanded as he leaned in close, leaving no room for either of them to hide. “Are you telling me he didn’t hurt me to hurt you? Because we both know that’s the truth.”
Of course, it was. Terence told him directly. Wanted him to know that he was the reason. He was to blame. “Davin—”
“You can’t tell me the strongest man I know is afraid and then convince me that doesn’t come from a place of pain.”
“I never confronted you because, as long as you didn’t say it to my face, there was hope.” Did that hurt? More than Alaric could say, but it didn’t change how he reacted. “You can wrap it up in good intentions all day long and I’ll still be a fucking coward.”
“Okay, you’re a fucking coward,” Davin parroted with a glare. “Do you feel better?”
The accompanying eye roll was too much. “You have to see me for who I really am, Davin, the good and the bad. No blinders.”
“Now I’m confused, are you trying to win me back or scare me away?”
Chapter Twenty
Davin
Despite seeming to argue against himself, Alaric’s grin was full of arrogant confidence when he said, “I’ve already won you back.”
“That was before I knew you were so flawed. Now I’m rethinking my decision.”
“Liar.”
“You’re right, I am. I’ve known all along that you weren’t perfect.” Perfect was an illusion, and the man he never stopped loving was the only real thing he’d ever known. “I know you snore when you’re drunk. You like a tidy home but rarely remember to pick up after yourself. You have little patience for most people and even less for close-minded ones. You work too hard and would forget to play if someone didn’t prod you into it. You’re proud of your mother for being charitable, but think that her generosity is often abused, so you’ve become more selective in following her example. You love your father but resent him for hiding from the problems Terence was causing, leaving you to shoulder the burden.”
“How do you do that? See inside of people like that?”
“Not people, just you. We all get afraid, Ric, but some of us keep moving and some of us hide.” When their world exploded, it was Alaric who kept moving and him who hid. And while he might have been the one to walk through the door, Alaric was the one who grabbed on with both hands and refused to let him go again. “It’s how you respond that matters. You don’t shy away from making the difficult choices, especially the ones that don’t always benefit you.”
“Now I’m selfless?”
“Probably one of the most selfless men I know.” Though Davin doubted he would ever agree, Alaric spent five years giving him the world and got nothing in return. Yet here they were, hidden away from the world because Alaric couldn’t stop himself from trying to meet every one of his needs. “It isn’t the absence of fear that makes you strong. It’s perseverance in spite of it. I was attracted to your strength immediately and every day you proved to be the man I could trust my submission to. You never failed me.”
“That’s the last time either of us tries to put a label on it.”
“Yes, Ric.” He purposely lowered his pitch, making the words intimate and respectful. He wanted Alaric to hear the sentiment, to feel it the way he meant it.
In direct response, Alaric’s shoulders straightened, his chin went up, and his chest puffed with pride. He probably didn’t even realize he was doing it and that was exactly right. Davin wanted it to be natural between them. He needed it to be right. “I missed those words.”
“Me too.”
“The last eight years have changed us.”
“We’ve certainly grown up. In fact, I think I see a few gray hairs around your temples.”
“Because those few months between our birthdays make you so much younger?”
“I’m glad you see things my way.”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far.” But Alaric was smiling, chuckling, and damned if that didn’t feel like progress. “I was at your academy graduation.”
“You all were.” He saw them when he was walking in, heard them cheering, and still didn’t have the courage to approach them. “Who could miss Beth screaming my name? You left as soon as it was over.”
“If I stayed, I might have kidnapped you. I knew it wasn’t your dream.”
“It was too late by then.”
“It’s never too late to do what’s right for yourself. To do things that make you and only you happy. You taught me that.”
“Did I?” If that was true, then they were both getting it wrong. “Because I don’t think either of us has been happy in a really long time.”
“We just forgot for a while.” Or they needed each other to make it possible. “I’m so very sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me the most.”
“I should have trusted you. Should have stayed until you came home. But what if…”
“What if I said to your face what Terence wrote in that note?” Alaric asked softly, reminding him that he felt the exact same way.
“Yes, exactly. I don’t think I would
have survived it.” They let fear take over, but Davin didn’t think that made them cowards. Human and flawed, with real and valid reasons to be scared, but not cowards. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Did any of them mean anything?” Davin hated to sound jealous, especially when he had no right to be, but just the idea of Alaric with anyone else made him crazy. “Did you find what we had with anyone else?”
“How would that be possible? This, us, we only work because we trusted one another, loved one another, and believed in one another enough to make it work.” With a harsh shake of his head, Alaric added, “No nameless substitute could ever come close to inspiring those feelings in me. Not one.”
“I don’t care if it sounds selfish, but I’m glad.”
“Then we’re both selfish.”
Call him crazy, but he was beyond glad to know Alaric still felt possessive of him. He wanted that again, wanted to see him stake his claim and take what should have ever been only his to take. “I want…”
“You want…?” Alaric prompted when he stopped.
“I want…” You. I want you. Was that really so much to ask? It shouldn’t be and yet…what if he asked for something he couldn’t accept? What if they tried and he freaked out? He wasn’t afraid of Alaric, but if he couldn’t control his reaction, that’s exactly what Alaric would think. Then what would they have? “World peace?”
“A noble endeavor and while I’m good, I’m not quite that epically good.”
“You always were to me.”
Gaze soft with understanding and encouragement, Alaric whispered, “Please tell me what you want, Davin.”
“I was going to say I want to go back, but we can’t, can we?”
“No. Time travel is also out of my area of expertise.”
“Snarky much?”
“Stalling much?”
Davin leaned forward until his forehead was resting on their joined hands. He wondered if Alaric would call him out on such a blatant flouting of the bed conversation rules but could barely speak past the lump in his throat. If he was going to force any words out, they had to count. “I want you.”
“I want you too.” Simple. No hesitation. In fact, Alaric responded so quickly, it was like he was waiting for the prompt.
Saying it was a huge step. Hearing it was like a bomb going off and destroying the poison Terence put inside him. In its place was freedom and the belief that anything was possible, even overcoming fear, because they would do it together. With those words, they could move forward.
“Dav?” Alaric tugged him up and gently wiped the tears from his face. “I want you, too.”
Davin squeezed his eyes shut, tried to swallow the emotion that was drowning him, and confessed, “I don’t know if I can…”
“Can…what?”
Davin knew the only way Alaric could help him get past this was to be honest. More than that, he wanted to be honest. He was so tired of being afraid. “I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be.”
“I only ever wanted you to be you.”
Fuck. Was he actually going to have to explain this? “Physically.”
“Are we talking about sex already?”
Davin lifted his head so Alaric could see his glare. “Eventually, it’s going to come up.”
“It’s up right now, but it’s not the time.”
“Ric.” When Alaric smiled at him like that, all he wanted to do was smile back, but that was beyond him right now. “What if you touch me and I panic? I’ve been working on accepting little gestures—a pat on the back from a coworker or a handshake. But I haven’t been with anyone since… I don’t know how I’ll react. What if we’re…you know…and I panic?”
“I’ve been touching you since I broke into your apartment,” Alaric reminded, his voice softer and smile still firmly in place. “You were fine when we slept together, even sought me out in your sleep and woke up in my arms without a problem. You let me undress you and wash you, and despite your words to the contrary, you were very impressively erect.”
“I was?” Thinking back on the shower, his whole focus was on Alaric. The way Alaric’s hands moved over him with care and tenderness. Alaric on his knees washing every inch of him as if that was his only purpose in life. And the caution in Alaric’s eyes when they finally met his, the worry that he would do or say something that might scare him away.
“Uh huh. You may not like to be touched by other people, but I don’t think it will be a problem for us.”
“What about in the car?” They couldn’t list all the times he didn’t react without remembering the time he almost ripped Alaric’s arm off.
“You were asleep and disoriented, and let’s face it, you’re no longer used to me being close. I can see how waking up to a shadow of a man leaning over you would make you panic.” Incredibly, Alaric laughed softly and admitted, “I would have reacted the same way.”
“What if I hurt you next time?”
“Now I know to be more cautious, but I honestly don’t think it’s going to be a problem.”
“I hate that you have to be cautious. It’s not what I want for us.” Davin could feel himself getting worked up and couldn’t stop it. If he couldn’t be with Alaric that way, he would lose him. “I need you to help me, Ric. Crowd me and don’t ever stop touching me, even if you think I’m panicking. Make me move past it.”
“Is that why you got out of bed so abruptly this morning?” Alaric must have seen his confusion because he clarified, “When I pinched your nipple, did you panic?”
“No, I was…” Davin tried to find a way to explain what was in his head. Waking up in Alaric’s arms was heaven. Like coming home after being gone too long. He wanted to wake up like that every morning. Wanted more than that and when he realized his body was reacting sexually, he freaked out. “I was horny, but I didn’t know if you felt the same way or—”
“Well, now you know I do.”
“—if I could follow through.” Huffing in frustration, he pushed, “I know you don’t think it’ll be a problem, but what if you look down at me and see what they did? What if I look up at you and see them? In the heat of the moment, when you pin my hands to the mattress, how can you be sure it won’t blow up in our faces?”
“Because you know I’m not them! You know I would never in a million fucking years hurt you. That I’ve never done anything you didn’t want and beg for. That we’ve never done anything that didn’t give us both pleasure. We’ll go as slow as you need to, and we’ll tackle whatever demons we need to tackle. But you will never ever look at me and see them, and I will never look at you and see anything other than the man I love.”
Davin wanted that to be true so badly, he could cry. “I want to be everything for you, and it terrifies me that, if I can’t, you’ll give up.”
“You’re already everything to me and I’ve never given up.” Alaric paused, daring him to deny it, and he couldn’t. That they were here right now proved it. “You said you wanted me, but did you mean all of me or just sex?”
“Get real.”
“It’s a valid question. You told me you wanted me, then immediately, immediately, jumped to sex or the possible lack thereof. So, which is it? All of me or just sex.”
“I would never ask for all of you if I couldn’t give you that. It would be unfair to you.”
“Be unfair. Answer the question.”
“I want you, all of you.” That he couldn’t think of Alaric without thinking of sex was… Was it a problem? Davin frowned. Maybe he was making the problem.
“And when I said I wanted you, it had nothing to do with sex. I want you at my side. I want your face to be the first and last thing I see every day. I want to be able to pick up the phone and hear your voice. I want to sit over a meal and talk about our day and our plans for the future. I want us to take care of each other again in all the ways that make us both happy. I want to be able to reach out in the middle of the night and wrap my arms around y
ou, knowing you’re safe and whole and mine. Sex, as great as it always was between us, is very low on the list of reasons I want you back in my life.”
“I’ve never heard you say anything like that before.” Alaric was more of a shower than a teller which made these words at this time even more powerful and Davin felt them in his soul. “You won’t let me push you away?”
“Not in a million years. You’re the other half of my soul. If you give me a chance, I’ll cut all those past hurts up into pieces so insignificant you’ll forget they were even there.”
“All right.”
“That was the least convincing all right ever. What’s wrong?”
“Usually, I’m the one with the sappy words and I can’t find them now.” He loved hearing Alaric express his feelings so openly, but it couldn’t be one-sided. Alaric deserved to know he felt the same way and wanted the same things.
“Well, I suggest you find them quick. I love you tremendously, but you’re way better at the sappy shit.”
Obviously not or he wouldn’t be struggling to express every little thought and feeling and… “You love me?”
“Haven’t you been listening?”
Dumbfounded, Davin didn’t move when Alaric dropped his hands to cup his face, then leaned close until their lips were almost touching. There were a million thoughts going through his head, like how he missed the part about Alaric loving him, and how much more he missed the feeling of Alaric’s hands on his face. The only thing he didn’t think about was being afraid. Then Alaric kissed him, and he stopped thinking entirely.
“Open for me.” The breath that shuddered through Davin shook them both, but then he opened and Alaric eased inside, tongue stroking along his lips, then beyond, seeking until he found an answering response. All too soon, he was pulling back and taking a shaky breath of his own. “It’s ridiculous how much I’ve missed your mouth.”
It was ridiculous how much he wanted to strip down and let Alaric have him. “Will you hold me for a while?”
“Forever, if you’ll let me.” Deliberately, Alaric shifted his weight and hooked an arm around Davin’s back to lower them to the mattress. The move had Alaric partially over him, pushing against him as he sought another kiss. There was a brief moment of hesitation, though Davin wasn’t sure if he tensed or Alaric was just waiting to see if he would, then he pressed on just as he promised he would. “Say my name.”
