Past Hurts (Sizzling Miami Book 1)

by Jessie G

  “I went home, slept it off, and then I went to work.” Looking back, Davin knew he didn’t have to handle it alone. Sully, for all that he was a pain in the ass, was a great partner and the closest thing Davin had to a friend. And while Sully wouldn’t go to the same lengths as Alaric—no one would—he would be happy to help if Davin called.

  But he would never make that call. Alone was safer. If he didn’t allow anyone to get close, to care for and help him, then they also couldn’t disappoint or hurt him.

  “That’s no way to live.”

  No, he wasn’t living at all. Being here with Alaric showed him that he was barely existing. Something horrible happened to him, and instead of seeking help to get through it, he distanced himself from the world. Helping others gave him the illusion that he was doing something to get better when, in reality, it was just another place to hide.

  And by hiding, he was letting Terence win.

  “You know Dad died a few years ago. Liver disease.”

  “Yes.”

  “I thought about quitting then.” When he was younger, he wanted to be an architect. Wanted to build something other people could live in and enjoy. It was John who encouraged him to be a cop and then John who made it a requirement if he wanted to move back home. Wanted, as if Davin had made that choice voluntarily. But he couldn’t explain to his father why he was crawling back with his tail between his legs—not without earning his scorn or worse—and it was easier to comply than rebel.

  “Why didn’t you?”

  It was a great question. When his father died, his reason for becoming a cop died too and without his constantly pushing, Davin should have been free to do what he wanted. But he always had that freedom, hadn’t he? It wasn’t taken from him, he handed it over and even when John wasn’t there to hold him back, he hadn’t been able to regain control.

  “A call came in. I had just sat down in my Captain’s office. I had my badge in my hand.” Davin was pretty sure James knew it too, though they never discussed it. “Then the details started rolling in and I couldn’t walk away. I told myself it would be the last one, but…it’s not that easy. There’s always another call, another person devastated, another predator to get off the street. We keep trying, but it doesn’t feel like we’re making a dent.”

  “I don’t know about making a dent, but I do know you are saving lives.” Alaric’s voice was fierce, as if it was true simply because he believed it. And Davin knew he was right. He had saved a lot of lives. So why didn’t he feel better? “Don’t minimize the good you’ve done.”

  The problem wasn’t the job, or the cases, or his father or Terence…it was him. How he felt about himself or, rather, how little he thought of himself. “What would it look like?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Davin lowered the heat on the stove and then turned to face Alaric. If they were going to have this conversation, he couldn’t hide anymore. “Do I turn in my badge and gun, and then just go home? To do what? What’s my purpose to get up every day? I’ve got some money saved, but it won’t last forever. Then what do I do?”

  “Specifically? I would say the first thing you do is nothing. Take a few months off, go on vacation, rediscover your love of reading and music and old architecture. When you’re relaxed enough to start dreaming about the future, focus on what you want instead of what you think you have to do. Find your passion again. Is it in restoring old homes? It used to be, but times have changed, and a new passion may have taken its place. What does it look like?” Alaric shrugged. “It looks like a blank page you need to fill.”

  “Sounds more like a dream life than real life.”

  “Real life is for pussies.”

  Once upon a time, it was a motto he lived by. “I’m no pussy.”

  “Detective, I don’t even like pussy.”

  “A fact I’m always grateful for.” But as much as he loved their teasing banter, he wanted to hear more of Alaric’s view of his future. By not saying ‘do this’ or ‘do it my way,’ he encouraged Davin to find himself. To dream again. When was the last time he dreamed? “How do I do it?”

  “It’d be easy for me to tell you to quit. You know I would support you, but you wouldn’t be content with that for long. It’s one thing to joke about you being the perfect housewife and trust me, the idea of you puttering around naked is in my top five fantasies. Maybe with a little apron…” Voice fading, lips curving up in a soft smile, it was obvious Alaric was playing the scene out in his head and that made Davin want to make it come true. “That would be totally hot, but it’s not you.”

  “Could be me, once in a while.” Especially if it got Alaric that hot and bothered.

  “I do love the way you indulge my fantasies.” Alaric came around the kitchen island and settled against the counter at his side. Their bodies touched from shoulder to thigh and it wouldn’t take much for him to turn into arms that he knew would catch him. “From the worst moment of your life, you put yourself back together and found purpose in getting justice for victims like yourself. The job may have been John’s dream, but you can’t walk away because you see yourself in every person you save…and don’t save. I think you’re amazing.”

  “Now who’s giving who too much credit? Yes, Terence hurt me and yes, my father took advantage of me, but I let what they did dictate my life. Do you know what I tell my survivors? I tell them to seek help immediately, yet I never did. I have a stack of business cards for therapists I have worked with on cases, professionals I trust enough to recommend, but I’ve never called one for myself. Not then and not since, and we can both see how that’s working out.”

  “Can we? Because I see a man who’s been repeatedly battered and bruised, and still found a way to keep going. You are standing here because you didn’t give up. You are physically stronger than you’ve ever been, and if you let go of the what-ifs and should-haves, you’d see that you’re mentally stronger too. Everything you need to make the changes you want are already inside you. You just have to let them out.”

  “Then why don’t I feel stronger?”

  “Because you’re not looking close enough.”

  If it were that simple, then the first change he wanted to make was to be able to see himself through Alaric’s eyes. Short of that, he needed Alaric to tell him. “Order me to quit.”

  “It doesn’t work that way, Detective.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because that’s a line we’re not ready to cross. I will give you advice if you ask for it, encourage and push when you need it, and support you in every way you let me. But changing something this big has to come from you or you’ll resent me later.” Alaric gripped his chin and urged him around until they were facing one another. “Until you’re ready for me to cross that line, the only orders I’m going to give are in the bedroom.”

  Davin allowed those promises to seep into his soul. Despite being exploited in the worst possible way, he wanted all that and more with Alaric. “We keep circling this dynamic, but we never actually talk about it.”

  “Then let’s talk about it. Do I want to dominate you? Yes, in a hundred different ways. Do I want to strip away your independence and individuality? Never.”

  “I’m not sure that makes sense.”

  “Sure, it does. Did I ever order you to look or act a certain way? Tell you what career goals you should have? Did I cut you off from your friends or your family or your money? Did you ever ask permission for anything?” Eyes blazing, Alaric demanded, “Did I ever do anything you didn’t want me to do?”

  “No!” Even when Alaric ‘broke in,’ he was doing what Davin wanted and was too afraid to ask. “Except, well, there were some things I asked permission for.”

  “Because it turned you on to do so. But if you asked for permission to walk out the door one day, the next you’d just leave without fear of consequences.”

  “It was never about fear or consequences and yes, we both got turned on, but—” They circled this topic before and never spelle
d it out so clearly. Now that they had, he worried that they were oversimplifying it. “You’re saying you took control because I gave it to you.”

  “Yes. Exactly. That’s the only way it could work because otherwise you don’t have a submissive bone in your body.”

  Davin blinked. “If that’s true, then I let John have his way because…”

  “Because you were hurting and alone and his way gave you a sense of stability in your suddenly unstable world.” Alaric dipped his head, ensuring Davin couldn’t look away when he said, “Cut yourself some slack, Dav. Anyone in your position would have crumbled. You didn’t.”

  That was debatable, but if he accepted that he wasn’t weak for reacting to the circumstances, then maybe Alaric was right about his strength too. “Do you know why I gave you control?”

  “I could guess, but no, I don’t know.”

  “Because you are the only person who ever made me feel cared for and wanted, accepted and loved, needed and possessed.” If he allowed himself, Davin knew he could find a million more ways to explain how Alaric made him feel, and even more for the things Alaric gave him, like courage and strength and confidence… He could wax on for hours, but it all meant the same thing: Alaric loved him unconditionally. “You showered me with affection and praise, two things I hadn’t had before and then couldn’t get enough of. And if I did something for you, no matter how small or insignificant, you were downright sappy.” Davin could only laugh when Alaric scowled. “You were always so good to me, but the more I did to please you, the more you showed me how important I was to you. I became addicted to that feeling, and some days, I would wake up with only one goal: how can I make Ric happy today?”

  “Davin.” The harsh whisper made Davin sorry he hadn’t explained this before. Alaric, who was always building him up, deserved to hear why Davin thought he was everything.

  “Talk about some sappy shit, huh? It became a challenge to outdo myself. I need to hear you say I pleased you. I craved your appreciation and affection. And that was before you staked your claim. After?” Davin snorted. “Ric, if I could have fallen on my knees and worshipped you right there, I would have. Belonging to you made me something other than the kid from the far side of the wrong tracks whose mother left and whose father hated him. I was Ric’s boyfriend Davin. Loved and cherished and appreciated and possessed and… am I explaining this right?”

  The ramble had gotten away from him and he honestly had no idea if he was making sense at all. “No one does appreciation or possession like you and belonging to you made me whole, ramped me up, and made me fall in love with you even more.”

  Alaric grabbed him up in a bone crushing hug, buried his face against his neck, and whispered, “All I want is for you to be safe and whole and happy. That was my reason for getting up in the morning and it was the hope that I would get the chance to cherish you again that carried me though the last eight years. If you let me be that person for you, I swear I won’t let you down.”

  “You are that person, Ric. You’ve only ever been that person. And you’ve never let me down.” Feeling Alaric shiver, knowing he affected him so deeply, made it easy to say, “I love you.”

  “God, Dav…” Alaric sucked in a sharp breath before lifting his head. “That, right there, is everything I need.”

  The timer on the stove was just the interruption he didn’t want, especially when Alaric eased back and adjusted himself. “Your dinner is going to burn.”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “We should eat. You're going to need all the sustenance you can get.”

  As promises went, that one thrilled him right down to his toes.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Davin

  “I was a fool, you know.” They were seated at the small patio table enjoying the evening breeze and their simple meal, and Davin was more content than he’d been in far too long. “Every time I needed you, you were there. If, only once, I had taken a step toward you, we might have gotten here sooner.”

  “I thought we were done with regrets, recriminations, and self-flagellation. The space between then and now can’t be changed. Right?” Alaric’s pointed look demanded an answer and Davin knew the perfect one.

  “Yep, because time travel is out of your area of expertise.” Oh, and didn’t that earn him an impressive glare. “Come on, you know that was funny.”

  “I know you use humor to hide your nervousness, so be as snarky as you want. As long as you look forward and not back, you can crack all the lame jokes you want.”

  The nerves were there, sure. He was also turned on and still really content. “You know what would help with my nerves?”

  “Your lips around my cock?” One perfect brow lifted arrogantly. It was downright sinful what that pompous attitude did to him. “Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until I’m done eating.”

  Davin glanced at the single bite of pork chop on their shared plate in relief. Barely a bite. He could wait that long. “And then I can suck your cock?”’

  “I’ll consider it.” Then Alaric smiled and methodically cut the pork into even tinier pieces. “When I’m done.”

  “Ric.” Yes, he was whining, and no, he didn’t care. He knew what this was. Had been on the receiving end of Alaric’s favorite game far too often. The man loved to draw it out, take his time, and yeah, Davin knew all the benefits. Had thoroughly enjoyed them when he was finally allowed, but not tonight.

  Tonight, edging might as well be torture and he wasn’t sure his cock was up to the challenge.

  “Open your shorts.”

  Excitement had Davin fumbling with the button and zipper like it was his first time, but he finally peeled back the fabric so that his cock was visible. If he arched his hips to give Alaric a better view, who could blame him?

  “That’s lovely.” Alaric speared another piece of pork and offered it to him. When he shook his head, too afraid that if he opened his mouth he would start begging, Alaric shrugged and said, “Lose the shirt.”

  He heard the fabric tear as he scrambled to comply and saw Alaric smirk before he popped the rejected bite into his mouth. Was it wrong to hope he choked on it? Just a little. Not enough to cause any real damage or anything. That wouldn’t help him get laid tonight.

  Finally, he was able to send the shirt flying into the darkness and splayed himself out in the chair. “How’s this?”

  “Absolute perfection,” Alaric murmured, his gaze hot as he took in all of Davin’s hard-earned muscle. He kept himself in shape because he didn’t like feeling weak, and because he wasn’t above using his bulk to intimidate the bad guy. In that respect, his body was a tool. In Alaric’s eyes, his body was a treasure, and Davin wasn’t above getting off on that reaction. “Stroke your cock for me. Slowly. Very slowly.”

  Davin took himself in hand and whimpered. He had no intention of admitting this out loud, but it had been a seriously long time since he touched himself this way. Unless Alaric was watching, the act left him feeling alone and hollow.

  “How’s that feel?”

  With Alaric’s gaze on his hand, the steady up and down slide felt amazing and not nearly enough. He wanted to tighten his hold, press against his balls, and give his slit some much-needed attention, but Alaric hadn’t taken him there yet. “Not as good as your hand, but it’s a start.”

  “It is my hand,” Alaric corrected. “You’re mine, remember? Every inch of you, including the hand you have wrapped around my cock. Now tighten your grip a little. I want to feel it.”

  He was definitely not going to survive if Alaric kept saying things like that. “Ric, please?”

  “Almost done. This pork is excellent by the way.”

  Pork? What pork? “I need to… I need you to… Touch me. Fuck me. Please.”

  “Please, who?” The demand whipped across his nerve endings, lighting him on fire like only Alaric could and tearing the response from his soul.

  “Please, Ric.”

  Humming his approval,
Alaric reached out and ran the tip of one finger around the flared head of his cock. It was over as quickly as it started, but it was enough to leave him gasping. “I don’t think you’re hard enough. Can I trust you to tighten your grip just a tad more?”

  “Yes.” Anything. Whatever Alaric wanted. All of him. Anytime, anywhere, the answer was always, “Yes, Ric.”

  “That’s very good.” With the empty plate pushed aside, Alaric simply watched him in silence, ramping him up even further until he finally asked, “Do you think you’re hard enough yet?”

  Davin didn’t know what Alaric thought ‘enough’ was, but he didn’t think he could get any harder without spraining something. “Yes, Ric… Please, Ric.”

  “Let me see.” Alaric snagged an ice cube from their glass and held it over his groin until a drop of cold water fell on his overheated skin. The contrast was shocking, as was the sound that escaped him, and Alaric looked downright primal when he demanded, “Hold still.”

  Fist firm around his base, Davin locked every muscle to keep from reacting when Alaric dragged the ice cube around the head of his cock, and it still wasn’t enough. When he shivered, Alaric shivered. When he whimpered, Alaric ordered, “Let go.”

  The ice cube was mostly melted by then, leaving Alaric’s hand drenched in freezing water, which he then wrapped around Davin’s cock. He knew he wasn’t supposed to look away or close his eyes, but he couldn’t do anything about the way they rolled back into his head. “Holy shit.”

  “You like that?”

  Like? No, he didn’t like that. He didn’t love it. It shouldn’t be a turn on. But he was a second from blowing his load anyway and that would end the game. “Ric… I’m close.”

  “Do not orgasm,” Alaric warned as his hand slipped away. “Davin, do you hear me?”

  “Yes, Ric, fuck.” Over the course of their relationship, Davin had developed an impressive amount of control—at least, he thought so—and once loved having Alaric push his boundaries. It was embarrassing to peak so quickly, with nothing more than that lord-of-the-manor attitude and a wet hand, and he was just glad he was able to get the warning out before it was too late.