Because of Carson Moon

by Laine Watson

  Even though I did want all of that, I fell to my knees with every intention of devouring his erection that stood before me. I placed my hands on his hips, but before I could indulge, he caressed my face with a gentle touch. My head tilted, chin up, as he guided me to stand.

  “Now let me undress you,” he whispered, as he flipped my hair from in front of my shoulder to my back. I was frozen. I couldn’t move, not one inch. I wasn’t expecting his words, or the tone of them, or the flutter of his lips upon my neck. I couldn’t help myself. My legs trembled and my knees gave out, but like magic, before I could fall, I was already in Carson’s arms and his lips never left my body.

  His small laugh as he sat me at the edge of my bed made my ears tingle. He rested himself between my legs as his lips moved away from me. His beautiful eyes called out to me as we faced each other. Still I couldn’t say anything. I had been used to turning myself on, arousing myself, but Carson was spoiling me. He knew exactly how to do it and I didn’t even have to say anything. Somehow the power had shifted as he laid me back and rose to his feet. He shimmied off my underwear and those soft hands of his lingered all over my body, the warmth of them made my eyes close and I drifted off into the sky. I could feel my body starting to become light.

  “I want to see your body,” he whispered in my ear, his soft hair falling into my face, his eyes staring so affectionately into mine. “It’s mine, right? My gift.”

  My lips only quivered from moment to moment. Speaking just wasn’t an option at this point. I was already in this pre-orgasm state, like that moment right before you burst into a million pieces. He kissed my trembling lips.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said, and I let him take off my sweatshirt.

  My back arched, when Carson spoke those words, as if he poured his light into me. I’d push it to the back of my head when we were done but for one second, I wasn’t a dirty little whore, I was a beautiful woman that he wanted and could have.

  As his lips left my lips and they kissed every part of me, not only could I not speak, I couldn’t move. I could only breathe and take in all this man’s beauty. Every caress upon my skin, every sweet and warm nibble, moistened me, and he had yet to even touch my box. By the time he made it down there, I was pooling, and my body was quivering with desire.

  I don’t know how but I had made it to the middle of the bed and Carson had spread my legs. His fingers spread my juices around my center, each touch warm and soothing. I just wanted him inside of me. Maybe he could feel it, maybe he could tell because as he entered my body it was in the gentlest way. And though I hated to love it, I did, I loved it so much; his gentle kisses, the way his hands felt as they held me, the care he took in each thrust, the nibbles on my neck and ear. How? How could I have something so pure and beautiful?

  Fuck me. I begged in my mind, praying to be released from this loveliness that I didn’t deserve. Sex was dirty and vulgar, and so was I. So why did having sex with Carson Moon make me feel like I was an angel? Why? When it was over, I knew I’d come back to my senses and hate myself even more. Because I liked it, but inevitably, because of who I was, I would end up feeling empty and barren and then I’d have to go out and get fucked to be truly satisfied, to remind myself just how worthless and unworthy I am. No matter how good Carson was, I wasn’t enough.

  Again for hours we made love. Orgasm after orgasm flowered through me and I was a trembling mess when we were done. All he wanted was to lay beside me, but this time I didn’t let him. I sent him away, no matter how much I wanted his warm body to rest against mine forever. I got up, took a shower, and lay back down in my bed.

  I need to stop getting carried away with Carson, otherwise I’m going to lose myself. When he figures out what kind of slut I am, when he doesn’t want me anymore, could I even handle that? I have to come up with a plan. I can’t be caged.

  Chapter 12: I Hate You

  It was winter break and I had dragged Kira out to a New Year’s Eve party a little way off from campus. It was already past midnight. There really was no reason to be there. We weren’t even drunk. I was just holding out, because what I really wanted to do was call Carson, but I couldn’t do that.

  Kira and I sat in the nook of someone whose parents were out of town. I probably had slept with whoever it was, but I was invited by Sawyer who was passed out on the sofa. It’s not that I didn’t know people there, I had seen or talked to at some point, almost everyone, but the hell if I knew their names or their faces.

  The music made me cringe. I sighed, aggravated with everything.

  “Why exactly are we here, Rem? I’m not having fun, you’re not having fun. Why are you starting the party thing again?”

  “Fine let’s go then,” I said, getting up aggressively and stomping toward the door.

  “I was just asking,” Kira said following me. The expression on her face was unsure. I swung the door open, glancing across the room. I locked eyes with a girl from my class. I rolled mine as Kira walked out the door. I followed her and slammed it behind me. As we walked to the car I could feel Kira staring at me as I took precisely irritated steps with my arms folding across my chest.

  “What’s wrong with you? You’re the one who wanted to come to this lame ass party.”

  I didn’t answer her.

  I darted my eyes at her, noticing a smirk on her face.

  “This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to avoid Carson.” She asked as we approached the car.

  I stopped in mid stride, a few feet away from the car.

  “Why would you bring him up?” I asked, outraged, throwing my hands in the air.

  “From the tone of your voice, I was right. This is about him.”

  “No it’s not. It’s about me.”

  “Right. Is that why you hung the dreamcatcher he gave you right over your bed. It looks perfect there, by the way.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Rem. Why are you doing this to yourself? You want to be with him tonight, don’t you?”

  “He’s not even here. So it doesn’t matter what I want,” I said, folding my arms across my chest again and leaning back on the passenger seat of the car. “He’s at home with his family, having a regular New Year’s like normal people.” I sighed anxiously, gazing into the night sky, all the twinkling stars reminding me of Carson’s innocent eyes.

  “You can’t push him away forever. You should know that by now.”

  “I just need to figure out how to get what I want. It only seems like I want him because he’s the one who is the closest and the most persistent.” I rolled my eyes, glancing over at the houses down the streetlight lit road, the trees on the sidewalk swaying in the slight wind. I pulled the ends of my jacket around me. “Carson gets my emotions wound up. I’m not used to guys like him. And I don’t want to get used to him. I can’t breathe around him,” I said, raising off the car as Kira slid her body onto the trunk of the car. “Do you know I haven’t slept with Owen or Sawyer? I’ve barely even talked to them. This is the first time I saw Sawyer in months, and I didn’t even really talk to him.”

  “So what?”

  “I haven’t had any wild crazy sex. I haven’t been tied up, had my ass smacked. I want that,” I said balling my fists in front of me to emphasize just how much. “I haven’t masturbated, I haven’t even opened my sex box. I don’t feel like myself. I can’t focus. He’s taking everything about me away, making me someone else. Someone who I’m not.”

  Kira glanced down at the trunk and then back at me.

  “I thought you were happy. You seem like it. I didn’t know you felt trapped.”

  “I do. Like I’m in a dream and once I wake up, I won’t be able to live without it. I don’t want that. I’m okay with who I am. I don’t want to pretend like I’m a one-woman man. Carson is a means to an end. He’s needed, but in his place.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to take the rest of Christmas break and figu
re it out. I have three guys who I like having sex with. I’ve got to start putting in applications for a job, looking for apartments. I have plenty to do. In five months, we’re not going to be college students anymore. We’re going to have to adult. That’s what I need to be focused on, adulting and having the kind of sex I want to have. But this is a big step,” I said, glancing at Kira who seemed more preoccupied with her phone than our conversation.

  “It is. You’re right about having more responsibility, but I don’t think you’re right about the sex thing. Maybe you’ve grown out of having multiple partners. Maybe you’re ready to—”

  “I’m not. I’m ready to do my observations at that elementary school down the street.”

  Kira laughed.

  “What?” I asked agitated.

  “I forgot you wanted to be a teacher—how cliché, a dirty little teacher.”

  That made me smile. My smile faded.

  “I’m serious, Kira, I need someone who can fuck me, and not take me out of reality. I need someone who can accept me as I am. I need someone who wants to do all the things Carson probably hasn’t even heard of. I need someone to tell me I’m a good girl and smack my ass until it’s red. I’m tired of having sex in missionary position, stifling my words. Sex is supposed to be fun, not intensely heavy.

  “I think it’s supposed to be both.”

  “That’s not how I want it. I want to have fun, try new things. So I have to find a guy who is better than Carson, and gives me what I want,” I said, plainly. “I have to find someone better than Carson. More tailored to my needs.”

  Kira smiled, as she usually did when there was no way she could deter me from what I had set my mind to.

  She tapped the hood of the car.

  “All right then. Do it,” she said, putting her phone away and opening the driver’s side door.

  “I will,” I said and slid into the passenger seat after opening the door.

  Kira started the car and put it in reverse. When she backed out I glanced at her, sitting there with my arms folded across my chest. She put the car in drive and the engine carried us to our apartment complex.

  It’s not like it was far, but the silence was awkward.

  I know she wants to say something.

  As she parked, I glanced over at her and she was staring out of her window. When she turned her eyes back toward the windshield the smirk on her face got me curious. I shifted my eyes in the direction where she had been looking and my eyes widened as a familiar white car came into my view. The heavy anxiety I had been feeling was replaced by new anxiety, flutters in my stomach and a warming sensation all over my body. When Kira turned the car off, I spun around to her placing my hand on the dashboard.

  “Did you know?” I asked, breathing heavily.

  She shook her head no.

  “But I can tell no matter how much you say you don’t want him or he’s not right for you, you like him.”

  “Shut up,” I said and without a moment’s hesitation I swung the door open and dashed to the stairs. I sprinted up them and turned the corner. Standing there in front of our apartment door was Carson. I could barely move from that spot right by the stairs. I took a deep breath.

  Dammit. Why? I’m supposed to be trying to stay away from him, but here he is, right where I want him to be. I stared at his back, unable to utter a single word.

  I wondered if he felt me staring at him because he turned around.

  “Hey.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “I guess I could have called, but I didn’t you to tell me not to come,” he said, his hands stuffed into his pockets, those innocent eyes all aglow as he approached me, his hair falling into his eyes.

  “Why aren’t you with your family?”

  He turned toward me, a strange, unreadable look on his face.

  “Well, I wanted to see you. I’m from Wyatt, so it’s not like it’s a hassle.”

  “It’s two o’clock in the morning. This seems like you knew I’d either be away or just getting home.”

  He smiled. “Well, I may have texted Kira and she may have told me you guys were on your way back to the apartment from a lame party.” He smiled stiffly. I wanted to call Kira a liar, throw a tantrum, but I couldn’t.

  My lips quivered, I hated myself for a moment as I tried not to do what I wanted to do so bad. I refrained for only a moment in the next instance I gave into my desires completely, wrapping my arms around Carson.

  “I hate you,” I said, my eyes filling with tears.

  “Wow, that’s not exactly what I thought you were going to say. But I think in Kin-speak that means you wanted to see me but you were never going to tell me that.”

  He was right. I knew I’d have to let go eventually, physically and symbolically. That’s why I was crying, because I knew I was never really going to have him, I knew I didn’t deserve him.

  I gazed up at him, my arms wrapped around his waist, the cold air, cooling my warm tears.

  “Why are you crying?” he asked, wiping my tears away with his thumbs as he held my face.

  I sniffled. “Because you’re an asshole. I told you to stay with your family.”

  “Yeah, but I’m kind of a rogue, I don’t really listen to what people tell me to do.” He smirked, coolly.

  “Heh.” I smiled, girlishly.

  “I’m staying the night, too. Okay?” That good with you?”

  What am I going to say no? I wasn’t prepared so I don’t have the strength to.

  So I said nothing. I took his hand and unlocked the door and took him inside. All I wanted was everything he always gave me. I didn’t think about Kira. I had no idea if she even came into the house. I flopped down on the sofa and Carson was his goofy, dorky, cute and sexy self. And that’s all I wanted.

  Chapter 13: Collar Bone

  My last semester in college had started, with observations and student teaching on the opposing days that I wasn’t attending the few classes I had to take, I had very little time to do very much else than focus on my studies. Plus, it was a great way to avoid Carson and the fact that I wasn’t seeing Owen or Sawyer. I could neglect their calls and texts and blame it on my commitment to my studies. I was supposed to be going to parties and looking for my “Big Dick Energy” guy, but alas that’s not what happened at all. Not only that, my plan to avoid Carson was making little to no headway. In fact, the only thing I had on my mind was being with Carson. Somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to be interested in going to parties or even looking for a guy.

  The night before, against my better judgement, I let Carson stay the night. If I were being honest, my bed felt empty without him. Though I’d accepted that hollowness more times than I’d like to admit.

  I woke to the sun glaring through the bottom of the windows in my room. My eyes fluttered open and quickly closed as I scooted closer to Carson’s bare chest. He groaned quietly, his fingertips on the small of my back. I didn’t want to get up. I reached for my phone, but as I did Carson pulled me closer to his body, his arms covering my bare back as my breasts pressed up against the side of him.

  “Where ya going?” he asked sleepily.

  “Nowhere. I was just grabbing my phone,” I said, forgetting about it. I snuggled into him.

  He rolled over and gently cupped my neck in his hands, caressing my face with his thumb. His raven-colored, messy hair covered his face, I brushed his bangs back and his brown eyes glistened in the morning light. He smiled tiredly and placed his thumb on my lips. I kissed it slowly.

  “Did you sleep well?” he asked, moving his thumb and replacing it with his soft cherry lips. I couldn’t answer right away. I wanted to enjoy a morning kiss. I had never had a morning kiss. In fact, the whole waking up to Carson’s body next to mine was one of the most perfect experiences I had had in my life up to that point. I was getting so lost in him, the way he touched me, the way he looked at me, how he made me feel. It was elusive how he could do such things just by being him.

  “Yo
u hungry?” he asked, pushing my hair behind my ear and playing with my unkept bangs.

  I laughed cutely. “Why? Are you going to cook me breakfast?”

  He glanced up at the ceiling, caressing my arm. “I could do that. Or I could have you for breakfast.”

  “You asked if I was hungry.” I said, lightheartedly.

  “Right.” He yawned, covering his mouth. He laid back and closed his eyes. “Well, I can grab some coffee, and some sandwiches. That okay with you?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled.

  We made those plans however, for the next few lingering moments we gazed into each other’s eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. His eyes looked sad and happy at the same time. They peered so deeply into me, I could almost feel his heart beating with the same rhythm as mine.

  I sat up eventually and hugged my legs, still staring at him.

  “Are you going or are am I going to starve this morning?” I smirked.

  “Fine.” He groaned, yawning as he rose from the bed. He grabbed his shirt off my dresser and pulled it on over his head.

  I lay back, pulling my comforter over me and scooting over to where he laid because it was warm and smelled like him.

  “Are you going back to sleep?” he asks, kneeling beside me.

  “Maybe.”

  With an affectionate smile on his face he pulled my chin toward him with his index and middle finger and kissed my lips slowly, seductively. I almost didn’t want to open my eyes, but he stopped.

  “I’ll be back,” he said and slid on his shoes.

  Someone knocked on my door just as he grabbed his keys off my tall dresser.

  I rolled my eyes and squirmed in the bed. He pulled the cover back, rested his elbows on the edge of the bed and laid his head gently on my stomach.

  “That’s probably Kira,” I said, scratching my face.