Chasing Stars

by Siler, Mercedes

  He takes me to a booth in the corner. He takes his jacket off and sits across from me. He frowns at me. “What’s wrong? You look distraught.”

  “I think I did something bad.”

  He frowns deeply and goes pale. “What’d you do?” His voice is deep with dread.

  “I think I like you a lot more than I originally planned.” I make an iffy face and sip my drink.

  He laughs, relieved. “Don’t make that face.”

  I roll my eyes.

  He smiles at me. “You just started liking me too much? You’ve been getting free milk from me?”

  I laugh at first, but now I’m sobered by the reality of the situation. “I guess it caught up with me.”

  He looks around the dingy old burger place. There are three other people eating. He looks at me. “Well, then, fuck everything and let’s take off to Vegas. Who cares what anyone else says?”

  I smile. He’s serious which is super sweet. Nauseatingly sweet. “You don’t want to marry me. I don’t have a family.”

  “Don’t tell me what I don’t want to do.” His eyes flash angrily and he reaches across the table to hold my hand.

  It’s stupid feeling so old and tired at this stage in my life. “So that’s how you’re proposing?”

  “Come with me.”

  I look into his eyes and can’t say anything. He doesn’t think it won’t work out. He doesn’t think I’ll be giving up the evil I know for the evil I don’t. I don’t know so many things that could be disastrous. What if we do the relationship thing and I move in with him and I lose it? What if I’m just like my mom? What if I want to hurt him? And when he’s done with me I’ll have nothing. He has faith and I find it difficult to believe anything will work out well. And that’s just one of the evils. What if everything is fine but my mom finds out where I am and what I’m doing and the things I love and she destroys it all? What if I run into my dad and I see how happy he is without me?

  They call his number to get the food and I watch him go and come back. We both dig in but my stomach can hardly handle it. “I had a dream about you last night,” I tell him, watching him.

  “Oh yeah? What kind of a dream? Was I sexy?” He grins.

  I love his grin. It’s a treasure. “Not really. You were being you.”

  He flips me off, smiling and chewing.

  I pick at my food. “We were talking. We were lying on the hood of your car. It was nice.”

  “I like talking to you.”

  “I like talking to you too, especially now that you’re not such a jerk to me all the time.”

  “Hmm.” He focuses on his food, something on his mind.

  “What are you thinking so hard about?” I ask. Food is hurting my stomach so I’m picking at it.

  “You’re not hungry? I wasted good food on you?”

  I kick him in the shin.

  “Ow! What a jerkface!” He scowls, rubbing his leg. He leans across the table and whispers in my ear, “Let’s not fight.”

  I push his head away. “Weirdo.”

  “But a sexy weirdo, right?”

  I roll my eyes, smiling, and push him away.

  “So, what are you doing tomorrow night?” he asks, trying to be casual.

  “I work until seven. Why? What’s up? You’re not taking me on another date, are you?” I feign shock.

  He raises an eyebrow with a smile. “Well, now I don’t know because you’re being a jerk.”

  “What? I was messing with you.” I eat a fry, watching him struggle.

  “My friend Thomas is having a show at a gallery in Seattle and he’s showing two of my paintings too. I didn’t tell my parents cuz I wanted to take you, but then I was worried you didn’t like art and would be totally bored.”

  I smile with all the warmth and understanding in my heart. “Then you’d be totally disappointed in me.”

  “Yes.” He nods, relieved I filled in his blanks.

  “What should I wear?”

  He shrugs. “Probably something black and sexy. Not this.” He makes a sweep of my outfit.

  “You think I look hot in a flannel and jeans. You haven’t been able to keep your eyes off me. You asked me to marry you. I’m not fooled,” I tell him, giving him my best knowing look.

  He nods. “Damn.”

  My skin prickles again, thinking about my mother. I have to get rid of Dexter.

  “Now you have something on your mind. Will you tell me about it?” he asks softly.

  “Do you think your mom would watch Dex for the weekend?” I frown and twirl my straw between my fingers.

  “Probably. She loves the kid. Why? What’s going on?”

  “I’m worried about him,” I say quietly. “I haven’t been around because all my spare time has been with you and he’s been staying at his friend Jacob’s house a lot.”

  “Is he okay for tonight?”

  “He’s at Jacob’s house.”

  His wheels start turning. “Then, do you want to spend the night in the woods?”

  I sigh again. “I don’t think I can.”

  “Why? Will your boyfriend get mad?” he asks, straight-faced.

  I give him a dirty look. “No, dummy.”

  “You’re being secretive today,” he muses.

  He’s right. I am. “I know. It’s hard to explain.” I sigh again. I wonder if he would believe me. “But what I really want to do is get drunk and smoke and be with you all night. That’s what I want right now.”

  He frowns. He’s not a huge getting drunk kind of guy but he does smoke pot on rare occasions. He’s probably freaked out still, though. “Is that what you want?” he asks.

  “I want to fuck you until I can’t feel anything else,” I tell him, as honest as I’ll ever be, “and I want my brain smashed.”

  He lets out an uncomfortable laugh. “That’s crazy.”

  “I know.” And so the circle turns.

  He looks me over, letting out a long breath. It may not be good but he can’t say no.

  We walk out to the car holding hands. I’m wearing his jacket. We stop where my driver’s side door and his passenger door are. He holds me by the front of his jacket and kisses me. I put myself against his car and let him lean on me. He pulls my head back and kisses my neck while I’m undoing his pants, putting my hand inside and touching him. “Let’s go. I want to go,” I whisper.

  He opens his door and tucks me into the car and we go to the woods.

  He leaves the engine running for the heater and we climb back into the trunk part of his wagon. He undresses me quickly, looking at my boobs in the moonlight. I’m already in a fog of want and I let him hold my arms tight as he pulls at them with his mouth. I groan and fight to be free but he holds me tight, moving his tongue over me. My skin breaks out in goose bumps and I arch and fight free to pull his clothes off and pull him against my sensitive skin. I let him take over rubbing me while he teases himself into me slowly until I take over and he watches me while I touch myself, pushing his way in. I close my eyes so I can’t see the love in his. His mouth kisses and sucks and nips at me and he slows as I tighten and feel myself coming to the edge and I writhe with the good pain. It heals the aching sadness inside and the burning need in my belly. He holds my shoulders from underneath and pounds himself into me until I come and so does he and he collapses next to me and nurses me like it’s the most comforting thing he’s ever experienced, his stomach sticking and unsticking to me with every gulp of breath he takes.

  There’s an ache in my throat I can’t get rid of and I know I’m going to lose it.

  He pulls me to him, still catching his breath, kissing the top of my head. He doesn’t know I’m crying until my body shakes with sobs. He stiffens as he freaks out and pulls back a little to see me. “What did I do?” he asks, soft and afraid.

  I bury my face in his chest. “Nothing. I’m sorry. I’m a mess right now.”

  “You’re worrying me.”

  I cry harder.

  He holds me softly, p
etting me until I run out of tears and my face hurts. He pulls my head back by my hair and looks at my raccoon eyes and red, blotchy face. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

  I take a shaky breath. “If I introduced you to my mother, would you fall in love with her? Would you believe everything she says about me?”

  He frowns. He plays with my messy sex hair. He looks at my face. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”

  I sniffle and wipe tears away, thinking of all the ways out of all the things that have ever happened to me, this is the worst. I wish I was anyone else because I hate this and I’ll never be able to be happy as long as she’s alive to stop me. As soon as she knows about him she will have all the ammunition she needs to break my heart. But I can’t stop myself from wanting to see the look on her face when she sees that I have someone good and who loves me. I want to see the look on her face when it kills her that I am not like her. I can love someone and have them love me back. “It’s hard to explain.”

  “Give me a chance.” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “What’s going on?” His brows knit, seeing my panic. The transition from mind-blowing intimacy to this must be dizzying but he wants to know.

  So I tell him. I tell him about how I can’t even explain what she does when she’s like this, it’s just that she turns my life upside down. I don’t feel safe. “She’s going to tell me to quit my jobs so we can travel and I can perform with her. And I’m fucked cuz if I say yes it will destroy my life and if I say no she’ll make my life hell. She’ll get upset if things don’t go as planned, if someone says something to her. She’ll get drunk and depressed and threaten to kill herself. I don’t want to look at her because of all the fucked up things she’s done and said but I can’t even say what she’s said that was so wrong because it’s confusing. What if I give in and believe her or kill her myself because it’s too much?” I weep against his bare chest. “Sometimes I want to.”

  He sits and pulls me into his lap to hold me while I cry, wrapping the blanket around us. I feel the welts from scratches I left on his back under my fingertips and he flinches. He pets my hair and his other fingers find the soft skin of my naked ribs where my breasts begin, running his hands up over the rise of my body. I can feel him becoming a man underneath me. His arms are strong and capable and his body is protecting me and it feels good to him.

  I stop crying and find his undershirt to wipe my face with. I come back to him and close my eyes, exhausted.

  “What can I do?” he asks, touching the sensitive, hard tip of my breast.

  I shake my head a little, wanting it again from his touch. “I’ve done everything I can. She gets money from disability. But that’s her money. I just need help with Dexter because I can’t have her hurt him and I can’t have him taken away and put in a foster or group home because I might not get him back. I’m so selfish. I just want him where I can see him and make sure he’s okay. I’m a horrible person. I don’t want him to fall in love with some other family that can take care of him better. I swear I will die if that happens, Ares.” My heart aches with the fear I have of this happening and I have no control. “I don’t want to fail him.”

  “Stay at my house. Let my parents help.”

  “I can’t ask your parents for help. I’d die of guilt. They already do so much for us and I’d feel so crazy and lame because it’s so drama. They’d never want me to hang out with you or your sister.” I shake my head in disgust at my stupid existence.

  “My mom would never do that to you. Marc wouldn’t either. It’s like you guys are the kids they adopted together. They like you. Marc threatened to break my heart if I ever broke yours today.”

  “You told him?” Marc is a pretty astute guy, I’m not surprised he figured anything out. And I’m also not too worried he will make a big deal about it. He loves Ares and he’s always been kind to me.

  I cuddle closer to Ares. If this cuddling and reassurance thing is how it is to love someone and have them love you back, I can see why people keep doing it.

  “No. But he has his suspicions.”

  “Hmm. He threatened you over my heart, huh?” I’m not too surprised. He’s always defended me. I always figured it was because Persephone never lets him be her dad and I don’t have one. “That’s nice.”

  He palms my squishy belly below my belly button, pausing, the air changing. “You said you’re on birth control, right?”

  Well, there goes the warm and fuzzy happiness. Because that would be the worst case scenario, right? Getting me knocked up, ruining himself with my bastard baby. Wow. “Yeah. I’m on the shot. Three months of worry free fucking. And don’t worry. If for some reason I did get knocked up, I’d take care of it and do what I have to do. Otherwise you can stop having sex cuz that’s the only sure way to keep accidents from happening.” I jerk myself away from him and start finding my clothes. My chest is tight and my face stings from the fresh overflow of tears.

  I don’t know why he always has to ruin things. Right now? When I feel so alone? And now I feel paranoid that maybe I did fuck up because I don’t even remember if I went to my last appointment and I’m going to ruin his life by sticking him with a kid he doesn’t want and he’ll hate me.

  He grabs me and pulls me back, looking at me serious. “This isn’t what I want.” He shakes his head. “The grant I got to go to New York is to give me the chance to make money off my art. I can get commissions to do all sorts of projects, and then if I come back here I’ll have a name for myself. I’ll be free to do anything.”

  “It’s whatever, Ares. It doesn’t matter anyway.” My throat burns. I want to die. I want to bleed. I want a release from the burning hurt.

  He lets go and sits back and we look at each other. He smiles warmly. “Wanna look at the stars with me?”

  I nod.

  “I’m going to turn off the car so we’re going to have to cuddle for warmth.”

  He turns off the car and climbs back and we lie side by side under the blanket, his naked skin against mine. He looks at the stars lost in thought for a long time.

  “What are you thinking about?” I ask, sleepy.

  “Going to Vegas. But if you don’t think we’ve reached that point in our relationship we can always go along as planned.” He looks at my face, concerned. “Nikki, you make me feel things I never thought I could feel for anyone. You make my body feel…”

  “Feel what?”

  “I don’t know. Like a stupid mixture of grown up and little kid.”

  “Paradox nineteen,” I whisper softly.

  “Do you think twenty will be any better?” he asks, just as soft.

  “I don’t know.” I shrug.

  “I want to be twenty with you.”

  “I’d love to have a friendly face around.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Nikki

  “Hello?”

  “Nikki! I’ve been trying to call you and you weren’t answering!” Dexter yells at me.

  I frown, eyes closed and trying to wake up. “What’s up?”

  “I need you to pick me up because Jacob’s going to his gramma’s house and they said I can’t come. They’re waiting for you to pick me up!”

  “Okay. Tell them I’m coming and I’ll be there in ten minutes.” I groan and throw myself out of bed. I grab last night’s clothes and head to the bathroom. I do my morning thing feeling nauseous and overall bad and rub my face as I walk to the back door. The smell of bacon and syrniki hit me and I stop in my tracks, confused for a split second until the brick settles in my stomach.

  My mother comes around the corner, eager and excited and happy. “Devotchka, I was just going to wake you. I made your favorites! What happened to your face? You look horrible.”

  I take a breath. Shit. I almost forgot about her. “I have to run and get Dexter. He’s at a friend’s house and they’re leaving.” I rub my swollen eyes and push my hair back into a ponytail.

  Dexter’s name startles her off her game.

  This i
s a nightmare. My stomach is queasy. “Thank you, it smells good. I’ll take some to go and I’ll be back after I get Dexter.”

  “You’re not bringing him here, are you?”

  “This is where he lives. I can’t just get rid of him.” I’m going to throw up. “But I’ll probably take him to Persephone’s house.”

  A jealous spark fires in her eyes. “Of course. Persephone’s house.”

  “What?”

  She shrugs. “I’m just surprised that her mother is still giving you charity, and letting you influence her perfect children.”

  “I gotta go.”

  “I need you to listen to my new song. It’s about you. I made you tea with honey and milk.” She gives me a lonesome, sorrow-filled look that doesn’t go all the way to her challenging eyes.

  “I have to go.” I grab a piece of bacon and two little cakes and run out. I try to start my car and it doesn’t work. “Fuck! Fucking shit!” I yell and hit the dash. Of course this would happen.

  I don’t want to call Jacob’s mom.

  I try again and pull out my cell to call Persephone. Nothing. Ares. Nothing. I call the house phone and their mother answers.

  “Hi, it’s Nikki. My car won’t start and I have to get Dexter. Are either of your kids available?”

  “Persephone’s supposed to be with you and Ares is out running. But I’ll be there in a second?”

  I breathe a breath of relief. “I’ll meet you on the road.” I hang up and walk the street quickly.

  Dexter is calling again. “Nikki! Where are you? They are so mad! You were supposed to pick me up at six so they could leave!”