There’s grace for when school or work routines change, and everyone scrambles to adjust. Grace, still, for when bank accounts dwindle and cupboards are bare.
There is grace for you today when your husband walks out the door on a weeklong work trip, and you know you won’t have a moment of quiet for seven days.
Grace, also, for when your husband walks out the door . . . and never comes back.
In the midst of a real life, one of great joy and great challenge, all your offerings and sacrifices, your best efforts and your biggest try-hards—they will never be enough.
Good news: they aren’t supposed to be.
Scripture overflows with stories of individuals who gave all they had to offer. Asked to do the impossible, they knew they weren’t up for it:
a virgin birth
the parting of a sea
the multiplication of loaves and fishes
They stepped up with their imperfect sacrifice– and then: miraculously, joyfully, incredibly, what happened?
Grace filled in the gaps.
I don’t know about you, but I often feel as though God has asked me to do the impossible.
When I look at these children he’s entrusted to my care, when I consider all they need to be prepared for life, when I glimpse my failures again and again– well, I’m just about ready to hand in my resignation.
But it was never about what I can do or what you can do. We cannot do this effectively on our own. We will try our best and work our hardest and come up short every time. We will never measure up.
Hallelujah—this is a good thing! Here’s what this freeing realization means:
We don’t have to stress so much. An unseen partner, the best parent in the world, wants to help us raise our kids. His record is solid, and he specializes in the impossible.
So dry those eyes, introverted mom. Release that control and exhale those heavy-burdened fears.
For you, for your family, there is grace.
And for today– in this hour, this one precious, never-to-return moment—that is enough.
Reflections from Introverted Moms
HOW DO YOU THINK INTROVERTS HANDLE THE TOUGH STUFF OF LIFE DIFFERENTLY THAN EXTROVERTS? WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND HELPS YOU NAVIGATE THESE TIMES HEALTHILY AS AN INTROVERTED MOM?
During times of grief, stress, and disappointment, I need plenty of alone time to process . . . I also need to get out of my head, so proven novels, movies (nothing new), and strenuous physical activity all work well. These times also lead me to upturn the house and my life to try and find order amongst my chaos.
JEN, AUSTRALIA
I try to share my (minor) “troubles” only once. For example, if I’m having trouble with the kids and I unload to another mom, then I don’t repeat my worries again to my sister, my mother, or other friends. If I still feel the need to share, I pray about it.
JESSICA, MAINE
I keep a private journal on my computer. I also have two friends whom I message about life and struggles.
ERICA, PAPUA NEW GUINEA
Since I internally process everything, I will think things to death. I have found that high-intensity exercise helps me to not think for a bit (because I have to focus all my attention on what I’m doing) and then I can return to what I’m processing with a clearer head. It helps me to release some of the big feelings I keep chewing on and then return to the issue with the ability to more rationally process.
CASSIE, OHIO
I usually wake up earlier than normal and spend time prayer journaling, reading the Bible for comfort, and reading devotions written by women who know the pain of loss, grieving, or heartache. Even when I’m not struggling, I try to take a “Barbara Day” once a month by myself. I often process things so much between myself and God that I fail to tell my husband what I am struggling with. After twenty years of marriage, he now asks how I’m doing more, and I actually make myself open up more.
BARBARA, IRELAND
CHAPTER 5
tenderness of heart
ON MARRIAGE AND RAISING CHILDREN
Warmth and tenderness of heart, with an affectionate, open manner, will beat all the clearness of head in the world . . .
JANE AUSTEN, EMMA
You like books more than me.”
Aren’t the first years of marriage fun / hard / confusing? This goes for any couple, no matter his and her personality types. Add in a complication, like an introvert marrying an extrovert, and hold the line for extra drama, quiet style. While we’re at it, why not move in with twelve teenagers for a few more kicks?
It happened like this: The year after the tragedies I mentioned in the previous chapter, Steve and I had an opportunity come our way. Still living in Washington DC, where rent bills ran high and our student loans even higher, we were offered the chance to partner with a local nonprofit organization. In exchange for serving as “house parents” to twelve recent high school graduates and college students selected as interns, we could live rent-free. We had to make dinner for them once a week, shop for basic staples like bread and milk, and keep the house from burning down. Of course, this was on top of our full-time jobs: Steve’s as an operations manager for a television / video company and mine as an aide to children with special needs in a nearby school. Translation: I spent all day with little people, then drove home to spend all evening with larger people. (Introverted translation: Too. Many. People!)
We knew then and can see even more clearly now that this opportunity arrived as an answer to prayer. We’d had it on our hearts for some time to pay off our debts, but as newlyweds living in an expensive city, that was easier said than done. After just one year in the intern house, however, we eliminated our student loans as well as a small credit card bill and our car loan, a feat that could have taken us a decade otherwise. This enabled us to answer God’s call later that year to begin a new life as volunteers with Mercy Ships, and to reach our goal of being debt-free before we started a family.
Yet God’s blessings often come with character-building challenges. We’d only been married a few years at this point, so living with a dozen young adults stretched our relationship. Like the time four teens decided that midnight would be the perfect opportunity to break out the Monopoly board at the table right outside our bedroom door. The evenings we’d return after full days of work and need to prep dinner for fifteen people. The times when we had to motivate young adults away from home for the first time to clean their shockingly dirty rooms. Some days I’d get home before Steve and have an hour to read or think. Then, when he arrived, I’d be ready to hang out. But if we happened to get home from work at the same time, introverted Jamie longed for a little quiet, something extroverted Steve didn’t always need.
Once that year, I snapped a photo of Steve reading a mystery in our overstuffed pastel blue-and-pink plaid (Yes, plaid!) armchair. After I had the photo printed, I laminated it and turned it into a bookmark, one I still have. On the back, Steve had written: “I love you more than books.” So sweet! And maybe written with a teensy question mark, to see if I would say the same about him. Let me set the record straight here: I have never loved books more than my husband, yet I need my books so I can love my husband even more.
SPARKLE AND GLOW: ON DIFFERING PERSONALITY TYPES IN MARRIAGE
Extroverts sparkle, introverts glow. Extroverts are fireworks, introverts are a fire in the hearth.
SOPHIA DEMBLING, INTROVERTS IN LOVE
We argued the other night. Somehow what began as a discussion developed a heated tone. I saw the change come over his face and tried to back my way out. My nervous system began its fight or flight response: abort, abort! But I didn’t know how to fix it. What he said made no sense to me, and obviously the feeling was mutual. I wanted him to tell me I was doing a good job; he wanted to verbally process. As an always-and-forever internal processor, I didn’t recognize the signals.
After emotions died down, Steve explained that verbal processing doesn’t mean he’s set his opinions in stone; he j
ust needs a listening ear. I made him feel small by not hearing him out. And when he eventually understood that I only wanted to feel affirmed and approved, I saw his look of shock. He thought I wanted to talk it out! By pushing through the discomfort instead of skirting around it, we reached an understanding that helped us move forward. And this is after twenty years of marriage. Clearly, we still have much to learn.
Has anything like this happened to you, too? It reminds me of practicing basic foreign language skills with someone in another country. You manage to combine a few words and phrases with some darn good hand gestures. Sometimes you triumph and get your message across, feeling like a pro. Other times you smile, giggle nervously, pretend to understand, then accidentally walk into the men’s room. At times we do speak two languages in marriage, especially when our partner’s personality differs from ours. But with a little clarity and understanding, extroverts and introverts can appreciate and build on each other’s strengths.
He loves you; you love him. What could be the problem? Uh, this chapter isn’t long enough to list them all! Couples starting out face a host of issues: jobs, money, whether and when to have children, extended family dynamics, and more. These topics came up in our premarital counseling, but if we had also taken a personality test and received a practical explanation of the results, I believe it would have made for an easier transition into life together. This would be just as helpful if couples share introversion or extroversion, or like us, have a blend of both.
For a long time in our marriage, I felt like Steve didn’t always get me. I knew we were both doing our imperfect best to love, respect, and honor each other. But when we had inevitable disagreements or misunderstandings, it seemed as though we had failed to live up to the marriage ideal in my head. Only years later did I understand that we would always have differing viewpoints as different people. Expecting Steve to be everything to me was unfair, setting him up for failure before he’d even begun.
Instead of looking to Steve for help with every issue, I now turn to a few close friends when I need to discuss something with a fellow introvert. This kind of support is especially vital for single introverted moms, who carry extra burdens and shoulder parenting challenges alone. Patty McMullen from Illinois told me she views her role as a single mom “more like plate spinning than juggling. I keep tapping each plate just enough to keep each one from falling. Some days are better than others. Sometimes the plates develop a serious wobble; some days I have everything spinning smoothly.”
My friend Shawna Wingert, writer of the blog Not the Former Things, who spent five years as a single mother, described the intense responsibility like this: “Every single day, it was all on me—providing, nurturing, caring for, teaching, disciplining—it felt like there was no safe place to just be.”1 If she could go back, Shawna says she would remind herself that it’s okay to ask for and accept help. She sees now that there were people in her life who wanted to support her, but at times her introversion, as well as the embarrassment she felt over her situation, kept her from taking them up on their offers. And some of the advice Karyn Ashley-Smith of Connecticut would offer fellow single mothers is to “not worry about what your friends will think of your house if you invite them over. Real friends won’t notice . . . true friends will already know that it is what it is.”
Single or married, we need to lean on our friends. When I talk with or send a desperate text to Carrie or Jill or Kara or Kelly, it’s comforting to hear them respond, “Yep, I totally know what you mean” or “I struggle with that, too.” It’s been freeing to give my spouse a break from having to fully understand me. We don’t always have to get each other in order to love each other well and build a strong life together.
HUSBANDS, IF YOUR WIFE IS AN INTROVERT, HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:
Even though your husband doesn’t need to grasp every detail of your introverted intricacies, he still might appreciate an overview of how his wife ticks. That’s why I wrote the following section. Feel free to pass the book over, read it aloud, leave it out for him, or read it yourself and summarize in conversation later.2
Being an introvert isn’t better, or worse, than being an extrovert.
Recent studies suggest that between one-third to one-half of the entire US population, male and female, are introverts. Western society often champions extroverts as winning individualists, but in other cultures the reverse is viewed as ideal. We all have strengths to offer as well as weaknesses to overcome, no matter the specifics of our personality.
Contrary to stereotypes, introverts enjoy people time, especially with those they are close to (like you, your children, and good friends).
But people time, even with close relationships, eventually drains an introvert. They typically recharge best alone.
This means one of the kindest things you can do for the woman you love is to make sure she has some quiet each day.
Encourage her to do this, guilt-free, even if it means giving the kids a little screen time to make it happen.
Your introverted wife does not love books or (insert her hobby here) more than you!
But expecting her to be there for an in-depth conversation right at the end of a busy day might not be realistic. Even extroverts like to have downtime after a hectic weekday, and for introverted moms, this is absolutely essential to healthy bodies, minds, and spirits. Understand that if you give her thirty minutes to an hour to take a break, you’ll reap the rewards.
Use these insights to help plan and spend your social energies.
Going out to dinner as a couple or with close friends? Totally! Asking her to join you at a crowded business event where she knows no one and you’ll be working most of the time? Maybe give her a pass. Of course, this is marriage, and you will both make sacrifices for each other, but working within natural tendencies when possible will enable both of you to avoid burnout.
You hit the jackpot.
Healthy introverts have the capacity to be rock stars when it comes to relationships because they naturally prefer the deep over the shallow and quality over quantity. By helping her thrive, you help everyone within your home thrive as well, including yourself.
LOUD AND PROUD: ON RAISING EXTROVERTED CHILDREN AS AN INTROVERTED MOM
Introvert and Extrovert sittin’ in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love, then comes marriage
Then comes an extrovert in a baby carriage!
I had my earliest clue when he was only nine months old. We’d taken our first family trip to England, Steve’s home, since having a baby. Little Jonathan proved to be quite the world traveler, taking after Mom and Dad when it came to being jolted from place to place with ease. Once at our destination, he met a host of aunts and uncles (Steve is the oldest of six) and loved his position as the center of attention. One hot summer evening, we returned from an outing, Jonathan past his regular bedtime and clearly tired. I took him to the loft bedroom and tucked him in, opening the windows so the heat wouldn’t be stifling. Then I joined the family in the back garden to eat dinner and enjoy the sun.
Immediately, the crying began. Usually a sleeper you could count on, my babe just wouldn’t settle down. Maybe it was the temperature, maybe it was the fun he could hear through the open window. I didn’t even know for sure yet whether I was a cry-it-out mom or a pick-him-up mom, and I worried what others would think of me no matter which decision I made. But finally, I could take it no longer. I marched back up two flights of stairs, rescued my weepy little man, and brought him down again. And when he saw everyone in the backyard? My red-faced tyke burst into a wide smile, raised his hand, and started waving. An extrovert in a baby carriage, indeed.
Later God added another extrovert (as well as one introvert) to our family. Over the years, a few guideposts have helped me swim through the unfamiliar waters of raising an extrovert without drowning. I share them with you in the hopes that they might offer you a needed lifeline as well:
Let them talk. You can listen.
My extroverted children tend to talk. To me, to their brother and sister, to themselves, to anyone visiting. And when they were younger? To the garbage truck worker, the recycling man, the mail carrier, the UPS lady, and any neighbor passing by. They need to know how to stay quiet, of course, but they also need to discuss their many ideas. So I try to let them. Yes, this can be draining, but it can also work well, since introverted moms tend to be good listeners who don’t always want to chitchat ourselves.
Compromise is key.
Help your young extroverts get the social stimulation they need, but in a way that works for both of you! Don’t immediately sign up to chauffeur kids to playdates, classes, and clubs, assuming you must sacrifice your own needs to meet theirs. Think it through before making promises and creating expectations.
Look for win-wins.
When choosing activities, look for those that will fit you as an introvert, too. Playing with neighbors in the backyard while you sip tea in the house? A win-win. A visit to the home of a close friend and her children? A win-win. Weekly classes or clubs where you drop off your extroverts and hang out at a coffee shop for an hour? Definitely a win-win.
Friends matter, but family counts, too.
Extroverts recharge through time spent with others, so they need time with others. My extroverts love new experiences and meeting people, and as they get older this matters more. But I consider it an extra bonus that my kids hang out with their siblings often, too. I hope these relationships flourish for a lifetime, so I want to cultivate them as best I can now.
Meet your own needs and teach your kids to do the same.
If our kids think we’re responsible for meeting their personality-related needs, we’re teaching the wrong lesson. If we fly into action each time someone utters, “Mom, I’m bored,” our children learn to turn to something (or someone) outside of themselves to get what they need, building a habit that may backfire later on. Instead, let’s model appreciation for our differences, letting our extroverts stretch us out of our comfort zones while we also teach them that time alone is important for everyone. As introverted moms, we either fuel ourselves or drain ourselves with the choices we make, and so can our children.
Introverted Mom Page 7
