ALONE, TOGETHER: ON CONNECTING WITH AND RAISING INTROVERTS
Don’t just accept your child for who she is; treasure her for who she is . . . Introverted children are often kind, thoughtful, focused, and very interesting company, as long as they’re in settings that work for them.
SUSAN CAIN, QUIET
On the surface, we don’t seem to have much in common. He was born in Liberia, West Africa; I was born in North Carolina, USA. Yet God gave us a huge gift: he made us both introverts, then used adoption to cross oceans and put us in the same family. The older Elijah gets, the more grateful I feel for this personality trait we share, which keeps us from being completely outnumbered by the energetic extroverts we live with.
How can you tell if you’re raising introverts? Well, you might recognize yourself in them: a tendency to concentrate deeply, a preference for small groups, a personality that would rather observe before plunging into the action. As introverted kids grow, they’ll naturally crave and likely seek out alone time. And when they don’t get it? Trouble follows.
However, don’t expect that an introverted child will necessarily be a quiet one. My Elijah has, at different times in his life, been the loudest person in our house, banging on makeshift drums, defeating imaginary enemies in his room, shrieking outside like a wild animal. As long as he controls the noise, he’s fine. But when he was a youngster and I took him somewhere loud, his hands immediately went over his ears, blocking out the extra stimulation. The types of outings he enjoyed gave me clues until it became clear that I had a kindred spirit under my roof. If you have introverts as well, here are a few ways you can set them up for success, at home and in the world:
Protect your introvert’s refueling time.
This means making afternoon quiet a priority, complete with books or audiobooks, even after your child has given up napping. If your older introvert attends school all day, this downtime will be vital. You’ll want to rethink the scheduling of extracurriculars and get creative about how to give your child a break before requirements like homework or chores.
Help your introvert role-play, but also let him be himself.
When headed out socially, take time to practice conversations that might arise and give your child a chance to think through their responses. Bear in mind, however, that your little one is unlikely to start jabbering with strangers. That’s okay, too. You’ve probably noticed the world lacks good listeners; we could use more of them!
Find special ways to let her shine.
As our introverts get older, it’s important to find a space that allows them to stand out without being overshadowed by their extroverted siblings. This both reminds our introverts that they have something unique to offer the world and helps us follow Susan Cain’s advice that “the secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk.”3 The right lighting changes everything!
Help him understand himself.
Using empowering, positive words, I’ve had several conversations with Elijah over the years about what it means to be an introvert. We talk about our strengths, like our sensitivity and the thoughtful insights we bring to others. We talk about enjoying people, yet also needing to be by ourselves. We also talk about confidently being who God made us to be, while learning when and how to step out of our comfort zones.
Offer what you once needed.
One of my favorite parts of raising an introvert is being able to celebrate him. In some respects, it’s a do-over—a chance to provide the insight, understanding, and boosts of self-assurance I didn’t always receive growing up in an extrovert-dominant society. It’s also a chance to keep an eye out for unhealthy warning signs of burnout and to take action by safeguarding his alone time. I’ve found this to be a healing process for myself, too.
REFLECTIONS FOR INTROVERTED MOMS
All Different Kinds of Beautiful
We share four walls, yet live in a world of difference.
You: outspoken and bold; Me: heart-soft and mild.
Amazed by the other: “Do we even speak the same language?”
love stretching our borders all the while.
Now we’ve grown our ranks, and what feels foreign multiplies.
Some can’t stop chattering. Some sensitive, tender.
I shake my head in awe: “Do we even speak the same language?”
love stretching my borders all the while.
We make our way in the world, together.
We don’t look alike, talk alike, think alike, act alike.
Yet somehow belong to each other,
every one of us a different kind of beautiful.
Our contrasts have not always been valued
Told we were “too much” or “not enough”
in trouble for fitting in, in trouble for standing out,
before us the hard work of unconditional love.
Now’s our chance to rewrite childhood scripts,
To proclaim splendor in place of shame.
Expose old hurts and wash them clean,
to speak truth over a new generation:
Tell them that whether they’re quiet or loud,
whether they prefer one friend or a crowd,
God put all different kinds of beautiful in this world.
A whole host of ways to express and show love:
Love can keep silent or speak up.
Love can heal hurts or just hold them.
Love can look at weak places and see strength,
look at strong places and see the cracks.
Tell them that her laugh and his tears,
that his focus and her concerns,
that your intensity, and my empathy,
each reflect the multifaceted One who made us all.
So get out your guidebooks and dictionaries,
let’s learn to speak each other’s languages.
Attempt to understand even what makes no sense,
knowing that love always leads to better translations.
People don’t go traveling for more of the same,
they look for uniqueness, sights yet unseen.
Get out their cameras to capture, share it.
And what once seemed foreign one day feels like home.
May we aim for that within these four walls:
worlds valued, even when not understood.
Seeking to not just guard and defend opinions,
but to let guards down, learn from one another:
Each of us, a different kind of beautiful.
Each of us, a treasure unmatched in any land.
Reflections from Introverted Moms
DO YOU HAVE MORE INTROVERTS OR MORE EXTROVERTS IN YOUR FAMILY? HOW DO YOU TRY TO BALANCE EACH TYPE’S NEEDS, INCLUDING YOUR OWN?
We’re definitely a split house. My three-year-old son and I are introverts, and my nine-year-old daughter and husband are extroverts. I try to send my husband and daughter out together, which works well. My son and I like to hang out or watch Dad and Sister do things. The hardest part, so far, is explaining to my daughter that her baby brother is perfectly happy watching her do something instead of doing it with her.
DINAH, COLORADO
My eldest daughter is an extrovert. I am not. She will talk with the cashier in the supermarket, and will even explain to my doctor how I’ve been. She’s seven years old. What I’ve done to let her cultivate her personality is enroll her in ballet class. That way she is learning discipline, respect, and being quiet when needed, but she also gets to spend time running, jumping, and talking with her friends.
SARAI, PUERTO RICO
I am an introvert, but my hubby is an extreme introvert and a highly sensitive person. We balance this by making sure he has a night or two a week when I don’t expect him to socialize with me after the kids go to bed. (He may sit with me while he reads or games, but we don’t talk or do the same activity.) He also supports my nights out to do ministry work or socialize when I can’t stand bei
ng at home anymore and need adult company.
BETHANY, PENNSYLVANIA
We’re five in our family and three of our members are extroverts. The key is to acknowledge and respect each other’s personalities, especially for the two of us who are introverts—to really take time to be by ourselves, to recharge, even just for a couple of minutes, several times a day.
MAIA, PHILIPPINES
Our whole family seems to be introverted, just varying to the degree. My husband is more social than I am, and our two young girls seem to be more like him. They like being social, but also really appreciate having private “quiet time” in their room. We all disappear into various spaces throughout the day as needed, but still come together as a family frequently (where we often sit in comfortable silence). I grew up in a family of all introverts and my own little family resembles that dynamic.
TIFFANY, WISCONSIN
CHAPTER 6
pruned down and branched out
ON STRETCHING OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONES
I’m not a bit changed—not really. I’m only just pruned down and branched out. The real me—back here—is just the same.
L. M. MONTGOMERY, ANNE OF GREEN GABLES
You’re not exactly the way I imagined you based on your interview.”
Hmmm, really? I wonder why? Could it be because the night before said interview, I propped myself up in bed until late, flipping through the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie? A coveted job had become available, one that tons of college students like myself would be going after, a cushy position that let you work on campus in one of the department offices. I wanted this opportunity, but I knew competition would be stiff. I only had one shot to make a first impression, and I couldn’t hold back—there wasn’t time for them to get to know introverted Jamie.
So I went into that interview and extroverted my butt off. I followed Dale Carnegie’s bullet points to the letter: I made eye contact, smiled and laughed, chitchatted and asked interesting questions, listened intently, and voila: I got the job! A few months later, one of my new bosses said the words above, noting that “real-life Jamie” seemed a little different than “interview Jamie,” but by that point I had proven myself capable of doing the work.
Some people might think this sounds inauthentic, but I disagree. In the job interview I was still myself, simply using learned and practiced skills to showcase my qualities. The way I acted was the way I might act with Steve, a close friend, or my family. In this instance, I needed to behave that way with strangers, too, so they could get a glimpse of my strengths. And afterward? You better believe I went home to nap and watch mindless television. That extroverting took all my mojo.
When we understand ourselves as introverted women, we can respect and value how God made us, and we can push beyond our natural boundaries when he calls. We don’t want to use our personality as an excuse to avoid hard things or as a license for selfishness. We want to honor ourselves, but we don’t want to limit ourselves. Figuring this out is an art, not a science, requiring a flow that we get better at through taking chances and making mistakes.
Adopting two children internationally, moving overseas when Steve and I first married, choosing to homeschool my kids, putting my writing out there for the world to criticize—there have been many times when God has stretched me beyond my typical levels of comfort. It’s only through his strength that I’ve done any of it, yet it hasn’t always been as hard as it sounds. What I’ve found is that when God wants me to do something, he works in my heart until I want to do it, or at least until I fully know it’s the right thing to do. As Hannah Whitall Smith wrote in her beautiful book, The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life, “Having surrendered (your) will into the keeping of the Lord, he works in it to will and to do of His good pleasure, and the soul finds itself really wanting to do the things God wants it to do. It is always very pleasant to do the things we want to do, let them be ever so difficult of accomplishment, or involve ever so much of bodily weariness.”1 Bodily weariness? This makes me wonder if Hannah herself was a fellow introverted mother.
God doesn’t drag us off, kicking and screaming, to do that which we despise and which goes against the very natures he gave us. Instead he changes our desires as we seek him, then equips us to fulfill his leading, even when it might be difficult. Understanding our introversion, therefore, doesn’t mean we attempt to avoid challenges, but that we recognize challenges ahead of time and come up with a plan for how to handle them. I think most introverted moms know this quite well, but not everyone does.
“So how do you make yourself do stuff? Does your husband prompt and encourage you to get out there?” asked an extroverted friend. Steve and I joked about this later, since I tend to be the one in our marriage who catches a vision for something new, then tries to pray / convince him to jump on the bandwagon with me. We introverted moms stretch ourselves every day, because normal life as mothers pushes us outside our comfort zones regularly! And all that stretching gives us a fine-tuned self-awareness of the times when we need to move beyond what comes naturally, for our own good or someone else’s.
EVEN IF IT’S NOT A DEFINITE YES, IT COULD STILL BE A DEFINITE YES
Have you heard of the book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown? Several friends of mine raved about it, so I bought a copy. My biggest takeaway? To only say “yes” to the activities in life I know emphatically that I’m called to and / or absolutely love (within reason—hello laundry and dishes and meal prep).
By saying “no” to everything else, we free up the energy that often gets spent on just “okay or good” activities. The author calls this the power of extreme criteria: “If the answer isn’t a definite yes, then it should be a no.”2 Finally, a guidepost I could work with to simplify decision making! I started saying “no” left, right, and center. For years I had bowed to internal or external pressure to do certain things, and now I felt the freedom to take into account my own personality, without guilt, when accepting or declining opportunities. Remarkably, I also found the author’s claim true: by narrowing down my yeses, I had more energy to give to them, which in turn made them more successful and effective.
Then came Steve’s fortieth birthday. His mum flew in from the UK so we could head to Turks and Caicos for five whole days alone, a record time away from the kids. We rented a sweet island apartment and couldn’t wait to soak up the sun (especially because of the New England snow we’d left behind). My idea of a relaxing beach vacation included reading, hanging out, and going to an occasional restaurant. Perfection! But to my extroverted husband, this didn’t equal enough excitement. He wanted to drive around the island, explore, hunt for the very best beaches, and—are you ready for this?—join one of those boats full of tourists to go snorkeling. When I heard this, my introverted brain began firing off warnings in rapid succession: “Red alert, red alert! Not a definite yes, not a definite yes!” You mean we’re taking several hours out of our limited vacation time to surround ourselves with total strangers? Add in jumping off the boat in front of everyone to snorkel (cue flashbacks of watching Jaws as a young child). Oh, and did I mention that my last time on a small boat, I nearly threw up?
Still in the aftermath of digesting Essentialism, I was heady with my newfound decision making freedom. It took me about two seconds to realize, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that this snorkeling expedition was not a definite yes for me. Not only that, Steve understood and said he was more than happy to go without me. So I dropped him off and drove back to our rental for a few peaceful hours of quiet. Looking back, although I’m proud of myself for saying no, I’m not sure I made the right choice.
To explain, let me borrow a few words from Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project: “Happiness doesn’t always make you feel happy.”3 I believe this wisdom holds especially true for introverts. What brings joy long-term doesn’t necessarily bring it in the moment. You can think of examples, I’m sure. Exercising comes straight to my mind. I
ts boost of endorphins has been scientifically proven to improve our moods, yet I don’t always thrill at the thought of taking a walk or putting on an exercise video. Happiness researchers have even found that the act of “extroverting” correlates with increased happiness.4 This doesn’t mean that extroverts are necessarily happier than introverts, but that putting ourselves out there in relationships leads to joy. For introverts, the majority of our extroverting will take place within small groups of close friends and family. But not always.
Back in 2013 our family had the chance to spend six weeks in the Philippines, traveling for my husband’s work as CEO of the anti-human-trafficking organization Love146. When this opportunity arrived, I was both eager and terrified. Talk about a stretch! All the travel, logistics, overwhelming details, not knowing how the kids would respond—though exciting, on the surface it wasn’t an immediate yes. But I’d recently finished the book 10–10–10 by Suzy Welch, and it helped me leap into the trip, introverted feet first. She suggests that when any decision comes your way, you don’t solely consider how you feel about it right now, but also how you’ll feel about it in one year and in ten years. That made it a cinch to decide. I knew there would be overstimulation and moments of feeling drained, but I also knew that I would have forgotten most of them in ten years’ time. What would remain? The memories of an extraordinary family adventure created while helping children in the Philippines. It hasn’t even been ten years since that trip, but this is already true.
Consider the early years of raising young children. Have you ever revisited photos or videos of a tough parenting season, and now you laugh at the kids’ cuteness or even their mischief? What a gift! Those moments were difficult to live through, yet now you’re glad you did. (And you might be glad they’re over; that’s okay, too.) I occasionally wish that I could feel constant joy in those hard moments as well, but sometimes joy comes with the sunrise—and sometimes with the sunset. Does it really matter, though, when both are stunning and worth savoring?
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