by May Dawson
Lex
Clearborn ran his hand through his hair and heaved a sigh. “What am I going to do with you?”
“I don’t know, but I’m curious to find out,” I admitted. It was a distinct understatement.
He rose from his desk and leaned against the window, bracing one shoulder against the glass as he looked out over the trees and the academy’s broken gate in the distance. Men swarmed around the gate, already repairing it.
“You saved my life,” he said. “And you saved Jensen’s, too, making sure he and Rafe made it out of there.”
“None of which would have been necessary if I hadn’t left campus to begin with,” I muttered. If Maddie needed me, I would always go. But maybe it was my own ego that had convinced me she needed me.
He shook his head. “Garmond’s old beta would have come after me anyway. The Council already interrogated what’s left of his pack. They had people on the inside here. They had an elaborate kidnapping plan. They almost missed me when I left to follow you.”
He turned with a sigh to face me, knitting his arms over his chest. “I admire your courage and your quick thinking, Lex. But your abrupt departure from campus didn’t go unnoticed by your peers.”
Right. That meant there had to be consequences, or someone would notice the cracks in her story. Clearborn had no choice, if he was even reluctant to mete out the punishments he’d threatened before.
Knowing how much the man cared about order and discipline, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was capable of admiring my courage and punishing me for disobeying orders all at the same time.
“I understand,” I said, despite the cold pit of dread that had opened in my gut.
“The mission comes first,” Clearborn said. “I need your cover stories intact. If the packs find out Maddie was with the Day, her time at the academy will be up, and there’s nothing I can do about that. The Council will overrule me to keep peace.”
I nodded. “Whatever it takes.”
My first priority was to protect her. It always would be.
Clearborn studied me curiously. “You weren’t old enough for the academy yet when you first came here, as I recall. I remember your file. And I remember Piper Northsea’s plea to the Council, to interfere in pack matters.”
After I escaped my pack, Piper Northsea had taken me in. She’d taken Rafe in, too; he’d been a homeless kid who’d run away from home. His awful parents hadn’t wanted him back.
But I was a runaway that my pack very much wanted back. The alpha hadn’t been finished with me. I’d been terrified they would drag me back and that this time, they really would kill me.
Piper had fought for me and my place at the academy and to cover me in her pack’s protection.
Just the memory made phantom prickles race across my back. I knew the scars were healed and faded, but occasionally, they still hurt. Sometimes I pulled my shirt off and twisted to see the scars in the bathroom mirror, convinced that somehow those old wounds had broken up again.
“That was a long time ago,” I managed.
“Mm, it was such an extreme case of abuse that it made an impression on me. As did Piper Northsea’s intensity.” His lips curved up faintly. “She saw something in you and in Rafe.”
“I’ve tried not to let her down.” She’d been kicked out of her position as dean not long after, but Rafe and I had been safe at the academy. From what I heard, she’d angered the Council with her insistence on adding magic to the curriculum, but I always wondered how much good will she’d burned making sure that Rafe and I could stay at the academy.
“You haven’t,” he assured me. “Your background. Is that why you’ve been so reluctant to strap your cadets?”
I set my jaw, feeling anger wash over me like a protective mask for all my other emotions. I was terrified Clearborn would see just how weak I was, and he’d realize I was never really worth all Piper Northsea’s trouble—or anyone else’s. “I don’t want to talk about my background. I’d rather get straight to the beating.”
“Well, you’re still one of my cadets until May, and I don’t really give a damn what you want,” he said mildly.
Maybe I should stop pissing him off, given what else was coming. But I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to answer any of his questions.
“What happened?” he demanded. “Back in your pack?”
“A girl from our pack ran away,” I said, studying my hands as they knit together in my lap. “A friend of mine. She didn’t want to…be…with the alpha. We were the same age. Seventeen.”
Clearborn nodded, and I went on reluctantly. “The alpha guessed… and he was right… that she didn’t really steal my car. I gave it to her. Gave her all the money I’d saved up. I tried…”
I shook my head at the memories. “What matters most is that no one had ever caught up to Callie. She lives in Washington now. She’s happy.”
“Good,” Clearborn said. “What happened to you?”
“The alpha and some of his men dragged me out of my parent’s house. I begged my dad to help me, but he just watched. They beat me half to death. Chained me up to a tree in the alpha’s backyard. Whipped me—a real whip, not the strap. The kind that cuts all the way to your bone.” Sometimes I wondered why the idea of the tawse even bothered me so much. It wasn’t cruel like the whip.
I shrugged, trying to spin the memories that haunted me into a story I could tell easily. “They left me there, no food, no water, on a cold, rainy night. I was too weak to shift and heal myself. And then the next day, they came back out and did it all over again.”
“How long was it until you escaped?”
“Days,” I said. “Sometimes the alpha’s wife fed me, when he wasn’t home. She didn’t want my death on her hands. But no matter how much I begged—and I did—she wasn’t going to help me escape. No one was going to risk taking my place. We all knew what kind of man he was.”
“You knew that before you helped Callie,” he said.
I shrugged. “When the alpha came out there alone one morning, I pretended I was unconscious. Dead. I managed to get the chains around his throat and strangle him until he found it in himself to give me his keys.”
I’d never forget that desperate fight, when I was almost out of strength. Only a surge of adrenaline had stood between me and certain death. If I hadn’t won my fight with my alpha, he would have killed me and buried me in the woods, and no one would ever have spoken my name again.
But I’d run barefoot across his yard, leaving him behind. I’d stolen his car and run to the academy. Piper had made sure I was safe, under her pack’s—and the Council’s—protection.
“It always amazes me that Piper still let me date her sister,” I said, then smiled ruefully. “Not that there’s any stopping Maddie, I guess.”
“I don’t think anyone could keep the two of you from each other,” Clearborn admitted. “But even if you see yourself as weak or flawed because of what you survived, I guarantee you that someone like Piper Northsea doesn’t see you the same way. And neither do I.”
I jerked my head up in surprise.
Clearborn heaved a sigh, as if he were exasperated. I thought he was pissed at me, then he confessed, “I could have handled your questions about Maddie better. I was trying to protect you both. Clearly, I did not choose a winning strategy.”
For a second, I could barely process that Clearborn was admitting to a mistake. That hadn’t been the old dean’s style, and it certainly hadn’t been how my father or the alpha approached things.
“You’re a good leader, Lex,” Clearborn said. “Whatever happened in your past, it’s time to leave it behind. It doesn’t have a damn thing to do with who you are now.”
I wasn’t sure I believed that, so I didn’t answer.
“If you’re afraid you’re going to fall apart if something reminds you too much of the past,” Clearborn glanced at the tawse that hung from a hook on the opposite wall, “well, Lex, anyone who has ever been broken knows they can break ag
ain. But you also put yourself back together again, didn’t you? You always will. That’s the strength in having been broken.”
I started to glance away, embarrassed that he probably saw the pit of anxiety I felt whenever I’d follow his gaze to the tawse, and then I frowned as I turned back to him. “Were you ever ‘broken’?”
“Half my pack was murdered when I was your age,” he said softly. “My parents. My girlfriend. Our pack wasn’t disciplined enough, wasn’t strong enough, to put up a proper defense. I had no one left, so I left my shattered pack behind and went into the Marines.”
His lips twitched ruefully to one side. “That experience may have left me with some quirks of my own, I admit. I lost friends—brothers—in combat. I know not even discipline can make any of you bullet-proof, but I do think it gives you—”
He broke off, corrected himself. “I think it gives me the best chance not to lose anyone else.”
I nodded, feeling like I understood Clearborn for once.
“You and I should have had a conversation a long time ago,” he said, pushing away from the window. “That’s my fault. You’re a good man, Lex, and I let you down. You’ll be a good addition to the Council’s Own.”
I blew out a slow breath. As long as I would have a spot on the Council’s Own, maybe I could get through whatever Clearborn did to me. I wasn’t afraid of the pain; I was afraid of what it would unleash. I was afraid of the memories that might rise with the welts.
“In the meantime,” he went on, “I’m taking your position as cadre. You’ll be a cadet again.”
I stared at him. “That’s it?”
His lips quirked. “I thought being cadre meant something to you. Your fellow students will see that you’re no longer in a leadership position. I imagine none of that will be easy to deal with.”
“No,” I admitted. But the job always came first, even above my ego. If this was what it took to protect Maddie, I wasn’t going to complain.
“There is one small upside,” Clearborn said, smiling faintly.
“What’s that?” I could definitely use an upside.
He shrugged one shoulder. “I imagine you’ll figure it out. Give my regards to Ms. Northsea. She seems determined to carry the weight of the war on her narrow shoulders, as if anyone could expect her to save the world single-handedly. Maybe you can talk some sense into her.”
Maddie. She wasn’t off-limits anymore.
I was just another cadet.
And no matter what happened, she was my girl.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Maddie
I showered and dressed in my school uniform. It felt strange to knot the tie and slip on the blazer, repeating all the same movements I used to, as if I were the same person I was before I went to the Day.
When I knocked on Rafe’s door, he swung it open right away, as if he’d been waiting on the other side for Lex to return.
I expected him to ask his usual brusque questions, but he stepped back, sweeping his arm to invite me in.
He closed the door quietly behind me. “What is it, Maddie?”
“Has Lex come back yet?”
His dark brows drew together over those gorgeous, lush-lashed eyes. He gave me a curt shake of his head.
“Ah.” I hesitated, leaning against the door. “But shouldn’t Clearborn be done talking to him by now?”
“I assume Lex needed some time,” Rafe said carefully.
Fury sparked in my chest. “If Clearborn hurts him, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” Rafe asked, an incredulous smirk crossing his lips. “Clearborn warned him there would be consequences if he followed you. He threatened him with everything he had—from the tawse to losing the Council’s Own.”
The tawse. God. I thought of the scars on Lex’s back, of how he’d pulled away when I walked my fingers over them once when we were in bed together. He’d tried to smile, but his gaze had been haunted. I’d rather take the tawse again, for him, instead of having him go through that.
Rafe’s eyes were hard and unforgiving when they met mine. “He would give up everything for you.”
“I didn’t know.” I twisted my hair back behind my ear.
Rafe suddenly closed the distance between us, pinning me against the wall with his body as he leaned close to me, his arm braced against the wall above my head.
“That idiot loves you,” he said softly, and I wasn’t sure he was just talking about Lex anymore.
“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I whispered, staring at Rafe’s broad chest so I didn’t have to meet his eyes.
“You knew it would hurt, didn’t you?” Rafe slid two fingers under my chin, tilting my face up to his so I couldn’t escape those dark, glittering eyes. “You decided it was worth it. That you’d trade our pain for our protection.”
“I did what I had to do,” I whispered.
“Of course you did. And you’re not sorry,” he said, his fingers drifting up my jaw. “You never are.”
I almost closed my eyes under his touch. He had no idea how I felt. Sorry didn’t begin to cover it. The guilt I felt was a deep ache in my gut, a shame so oppressive that it felt like a physical weight pressing down on my shoulders. I’d failed them all.
Rafe was so near me that I breathed in the scent of his soap and sandalwood aftershave from his shower as his fingers stroked across my cheek. His voice was low and unrelenting when he demanded, “What did you really come here for?”
I swallowed, my heart beginning to pound in my chest. “Clearborn said I had to keep up my story. That I ran away from the academy…”
Rafe raised those dark eyebrows as if he saw right through me, but he wasn’t going to save me from blundering through an uncomfortable conversation.
“I wouldn’t be able to come back without being punished,” I admitted in a rush. I could face down the Day, but asking nicely to be strapped again was really straining my courage. “To keep up my cover story, I should…you should…”
“You want me to punish you,” Rafe said.
“Want is an overstatement,” I said dryly. I glanced away, but he caught my chin with his fingers and turned it up to his again.
“If it’s not what you want,” he said, his voice suddenly husky, “maybe it’s what you need.”
I bit my lip. Tension seemed to shimmer between us as he studied my face. Then he ran his thumb over my lower lip, dragging it away from my teeth.
In a whisper, I said, “I did what I thought was best. But I didn’t want you all to get hurt. I am… I am…”
“You feel guilty.” His thumb traced gently over the curve of my cheekbone. “You want to leave it in the past. But first, something has to happen. You have to feel like you’ve atoned.”
I laughed shakily, thinking of Penn’s anger. “I can’t imagine any of them will leave it in the past.”
“I think you’ll be surprised, Maddie. They all love you. You can’t destroy that.” A faint smile played over his lips. “Even when you try.”
I shook my head, because the hope that rose in my chest felt dangerous.
“But first, you need that something,” he said. “So you can leave it in the past. It’s not about your story, not really. It’s about guilt so big that you can’t bear it. You need someone to take it away from you.”
I shook my head, my cheeks flushing, even though I knew what Rafe said was true. It was just too vulnerable a thing to admit.
“No, you don’t get to lie to me.” He stroked his thumb over my lips, the motion slow and deliberate, and desire hummed through my body at his touch. “I won’t ever lie to you, Maddie. Not anymore.”
My breath hitched in my chest, and he leaned still closer to me, his lips almost grazing my ear. “Not about how I want you.”
He took a sudden step back, and I drew in a ragged breath when his body left mine. Then he turned his back on me, heading across the room.
“I believe you’re familiar with the position,” he said, his voice firm
I
exhaled a shaky breath. True dread settled into my gut then.
But he was right.
I’d do whatever it took to complete my mission, to keep my story intact. If Clearborn thought this was necessary, I’d have tried to face it bravely. After what I’d been through in the Day, the strap seemed like nothing.
I wasn’t here for the mission, though. I was here for some kind of release. The guilt I felt was tearing me apart from the inside. Physical pain would hurt far less than the emotional agony I was in now.
I started to head past him to place my hands against the wall as he grabbed his chair and spun it around, pulling it behind him.
Before I could reach the wall, Rafe grabbed me around the waist and yanked me over his lap as he sat down. I let out a surprised gasp as I suddenly found myself draped across his thighs.
“I don’t need the tawse to punish you, Maddie,” he said. His hand slapped across my ass, each of his fingers heavy and hot and individual as a brand. “I don’t intend to ever do that again. This, though?”
He slapped my ass again, and heat sparked across my skin. “I think maybe I should make a regular practice of this.”
I had day-dreamed about Rafe spanking me, and I had liked when Silas slapped my ass during sex. I didn’t think this was exactly going to be a punishment, but I didn’t manage to say that before his hand descended again and a loud smack sounded through the room.
The next solid smack began to light a fire across my ass, and instinctively I tried to wiggle forward out of his grip, but Rafe held me steady with one hand across my lower back. He landed another stinging smack, then another, and as my legs kicked out, he barely paused his steady spanking to trap my legs with his.
I gasped with shock at the realization that Rafe’s spanking hurt. Even more than that, I felt vulnerable being trapped in his grip, at his mercy, as he smacked my ass over and over in a steady cadence.
He paused, and I exhaled. Okay, that wasn’t that bad. Despite the sense of vulnerability, of being dominated, it was certainly a more pleasant experience than the tawse. Hell, now that he had stopped, I could feel my clit throbbing between my thighs, as if I were aroused by the spanking even though my ass felt as if it were glowing red now.
