by Imogen Wells
I watch the clouds through the kitchen window, and as one begins to dissipate, a face appears. I scrunch my eyes trying to see it better, and a small gasp leaves me as its features are revealed. It looks like Alex, and a tear rolls down my cheek as the cloud twists and moves away.
I know it’s not really Alex, and just my emotions transposing themselves onto random objects. Something known as pareidolia. The most well-known example is Rorschach’s inkblot test, which supposedly reveals people’s hidden feelings. You don’t need to be a genius or psychologist to work out what mine are.
I feel like a sand timer as my emotions trickle through before free falling and exploding into a vast emptiness, and just as I think I have them under control, they’re flipped on their head.
The sound of the front door closing has me spinning on my stool, and seconds later, Jay strolls into the kitchen looking dog tired.
“Hey,” I say to him as he sees me sitting here. I’m shocked as he comes over and kisses me on the head before grabbing a cup and making coffee.
“Did you sleep?” he asks as he stirs sugar into his cup.
“I did actually. Did you? ‘Cause I got to say, you look like shit.”
Jay chuckles as he takes a seat across from me. “Straight shooter. I like that about you,” he says with a wink. “No. I didn’t sleep yet. Where is everyone?” He offers no explanation for the fact he’s not slept, but I’m guessing it has something to do with him chasing down information about last night.
I don’t get a chance to ask what he found out or answer his question about where everyone is as Seb and Rick walk in, talking in hushed voices. Both walk over to me, Rick kissing me on the head as Jay did, which is no surprise, but Seb takes my face in his hands and kisses me. The scent of his shower gel wraps around me, and I can taste the spearmint of his toothpaste as his tongue swipes across my lips, asking for entry. My head becomes fuzzy as he deepens the kiss, my tongue tangling with his, and I forget where we are.
A cough and a snigger snap me out this lusty haze, and I try to break the kiss, but Seb holds on a second or two longer, biting my lip as he pulls back. Okay, I can honestly say that I need new knickers. Hell, I think I need new trousers and a dip in an ice pool to cool down after that.
“I would say get a room, but I’m not sure I can listen to another round of you two going at it,” Rick says, a lick of humour tracing his words.
“You’re just jealous, old man,” Seb says, pouring himself a coffee before taking the seat next to me. “Tell me, how long is it since you wet your dick?” I slap Seb’s arm, almost making him spill coffee over his crisp white t-shit. “What? Don’t pretend you’re some sweet and innocent virgin over here, Jamie. You know, Blue told me about that day in your kitchen when you were telling Cam about rubbing one out. Or should I say paddling the pink canoe, huh.” He raises a brow, and his eyes sparkle with mischief.
Jay cracks up, and I even hear a laugh from Rick. The guys banter back and forth for the next five minutes, both Seb and Jay ribbing Rick about getting laid, and it lifts the heavy mood. But the laughter dies as my father enters the room.
Not one to be intimidated by the hostile tension in the air, my dad strolls forward, offering a ‘morning’ to everyone. The guys grumble a greeting in return, but I can’t bring myself to answer as all the sadness and anger the laughter washed away temporarily returns.
Rick makes my dad a tea, and once we are all settled at the counter, Jay begins filling us in about what he discovered last night after leaving here.
It turns out Jasper attempted to arrest the man who killed Alex, but he pistol-whipped Jasper and got away. When the police arrived, Jasper was conscious, but not coherent enough for them to get anything substantial from him.
“I have to go to the police and tell them what happened.”
“No.” One word spat from my dad like law.
“No? What the hell do you mean no?” I grit my teeth, clenching my hands into fists and about to get to my feet. If only I had a gun, I’d pistol-whip my father right now. Seb takes my hand, unfurling my fingers, laying it flat on my thigh and resting his over the top with his fingers intertwined with mine.
“I don’t want the police involved, Jamie. That’s why I came to Rick in the first place.”
I take a deep breath, trying to let the feel of Seb’s hand on mine keep me from launching myself at my dad. “If you think I’m going to sit here quietly while the bastard that killed my friend walks free, then you don’t know me at all. I wouldn’t be the daughter you raised if I did that.”
Rick, Seb and Jay watch me carefully, and I can tell they aren’t sure how this is going to end or if they’ll need to prevent more bloodshed.
A small smile flashes across my dad’s face at those words, knowing that they are true.
“I understand that, Jamie, and I admire it. I really do, but you know sometimes things aren’t as straight forward as you think. I need to worry about you and your mum, not some guy you’ve not seen since school.”
I suck in a shocked breath at his words. I don’t hear any more of what he says as a picture of Alex’s smile flashes in my mind, and then it vanishes and is replaced by the image of him lying on the cold concrete outside Rosco’s. I feel the loss of him deep in my bones, and a white-hot rage burns through me at the way my dad just dismissed his death. My hand curls on my thigh, squeezing Seb’s fingers as my nails dig into my leg.
Jumping to my feet, I cut off whatever my dad was saying.
“How fucking dare you dismiss Alex so easily. The one guy that kept me together after I was betrayed by the two most important people in my life after you and mum, and who held me every night for a solid month to keep the nightmares away after Josh’s death.” I’m shouting, and I don’t care one fucking bit. I don’t even register what I’m saying until it’s out there. I begin to shake with so much anger coursing through me, and when I look at my dad, I see the shock on his face. He never knew the full extent of what happened after Josh and Amber’s deaths. He wasn’t there for me. I feel a hand on my back, and I flinch at the touch, turning to see Seb. As the realisation of what I just blurted out sinks in, I watch my dad’s Adam’s apple bob up and down in his throat, and a flicker of pain crosses his face.
“Jamie, I’m sorry. I didn’t…” He stops, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “I had no idea he was so important to you. But you have to understand—”
“Save it, Dad. You know what, it’s fine for you to be worried about me and mum, but not at the expense of my friend’s murderer going free. Have you even considered what would have happened if Alex or Jay hadn’t been there?” I say, pointing to Jay, who looks more than a little uncomfortable to be singled out. “And what’s to say that next time it won’t be me or mum lying on a slab at the morgue, huh?” My dad baulks at that, but I carry on regardless. “You don’t want to go to the police about some madman threatening your family, fine. I’ll go to them, and I won’t mention a damn word about you or what I know.”
Surprisingly, it’s Rick that intervenes. Ever the peacemaker. Me? I’m beginning to wonder what it is my dad’s not saying. All the times in the past my dad’s had threats against him, he’s always gone to the police. I don’t understand what’s so different about this time.
As Rick tries to calm the situation down, Seb pulls me to rest in between his legs, and I’m conscious he’s going to want answers about Alex, and Josh and Amber. I wish I could gag myself sometimes.
I can feel my dad’s eyes on us, or more specifically, Seb. I guess he doesn’t like Seb much, and the fact Seb is holding me, while whispering in my ear, must be really pissing him off. Good. I heard Dad asking Seb about me last night, so I make a note to ask Seb about my dad’s clear dislike of him later.
We chat back and forth for a while longer, but things become a little strained when I announce that I want to go see Jasper. I’m met by four very loud, resounding nos. To which I counter argue that I can find out more of what Jasper knows and give my s
ide of things at the same time. They finally agree on the proviso someone comes with me, to which I agree. Seb seems like the obvious choice, but I throw that idea out the window and declare I want Jay with me.
Seb tenses beneath me, and I twist in his arms, well aware that every eye in the room is on us. I lean in and whisper, “Don’t be mad. Having you there will make things difficult, and I need Jasper to talk to me, not spend the whole time watching you two shoot daggers at each other and wondering who has the biggest dick.”
A look of disgust passes over Seb’s face causing a crease in his brow before it smooths out, and his eyes light as he says, “We both know the answer to that question. I’m not happy about any of this, just so you know, but I understand why you need to do this.” He places a kiss on the pulse point behind my ear that sends a shiver down my spine before turning to speak to the whole room. “Jay, you’ll go with Jamie to see Jasper. But not before you’ve had some sleep, man. You look ready to drop.”
Twenty-Six
Jamie
Seb refused to let me go home alone, and to be honest, I’m grateful since the bastard that attacked me and killed Alex is still out there. If whoever this is, is prepared to go to such lengths as killing someone, then there is no reason to think they wouldn’t try to get to me again.
Seb ran me a bath, and now I’m lying here, almost fully submerged, with the water dulling my hearing. It’s a shame it can’t do the same for my feelings.
Feelings? That one word can encompass so much, and yet, it’s almost impossible to switch it off. I thought I’d done it years ago, but with the arrival of Cam, my feelings slowly began to seep back in. Now a man, who it seems is cooking in my kitchen based on the delicious smells emanating from downstairs, has done the impossible. Or so I thought. There was no slow seeping of feelings when I met Seb. No, it was more like a volcano. Everything that had lay dormant for years and had been bubbling away after meeting Cam, suddenly erupted. All the feelings I’d tried to lock away, to shut down, spewed forth in a flood of emotions that I have no idea how to deal with.
My mind and body doesn’t know how to manage so many at once. So many different ones. Anger at my parents, especially my mum for her affair. Shame, and even a lick of fear, after my attack. Lingering bitterness and resentment at what happened to Josh and Amber preventing me from getting any closure after they betrayed me. And now to top it all off, sadness at the loss of my friend. Mixed in with all this is a stirring of love. Love for a man who appears to embody everything I hate about a man. But no matter how hard I try to stay away from him, fate has other ideas. I’m not a big believer in fate, and if I were, I’d say it has a twisted fucking sense of humour trying to pair me with a guy who whores around and doesn’t do relationships past a night of sex. It doesn’t go unnoticed that I just described myself. It also doesn’t pass me by that a single night of sex hasn’t been enough to satiate my desire for Seb.
I’m even more thrown by Seb’s behaviour towards me in the last twenty-four hours, and I can’t decide if it’s because of what happened and he’s just being a caring friend, or if this is something else altogether. What does all of this mean? What do we mean to each other? These are questions I need to find answers to, but my brain has reached its capacity for puzzle solving, so I sink beneath the now tepid water, holding my breath for as long as possible before bursting back up as the need to breathe becomes too much to bear.
When I make it back downstairs, we sit down to eat the fry up Seb has managed to scrape together with my limited supplies. Food shopping hasn’t exactly been high on the priority list lately.
Seb wolfs down his food like he hasn’t eaten in forever, whereas I pick at mine and push it around my plate while starring down at it, but not really seeing it. I feel the tension and the questions Seb is itching to ask like a tangible thing. A living, breathing entity, weighing heavily in the air.
The clatter of metal on china has me lifting my head to see Seb sitting opposite me, plate clean, elbows resting on the counter with his hands joined beneath his chin as he leans forward slightly watching me intently.
“Stop looking at me like that, and just ask the damn question, Seb.” There’s a bite to my tone that I hope hides my unease at what’s coming next.
“Okay. Who are Josh and Amber?”
Straight for the heart. Can’t really complain, I did tell him to ask his questions, and I was stupid to think he would skirt around the burning question.
I drop my head, unable to look at him as I prepare to bare my deepest pain to him. I fight against the part of me that wants to rage at him for making me face something I’ve avoided for so long, but I suppose it was inevitable given what is going on between us, and almost impossible to avoid following Alex’s death and my little outburst this morning. Who knows, maybe it will be cathartic to get it out there. And maybe not.
I push my unease down to the pit of my gut and take a deep breath, then say, “Josh was my boyfriend and first love at college. We knew each other at school, that’s how I know…knew Alex. Him and Josh were good friends. Amber was my best friend, and I know you’re not stupid, so can easily put two and two together to figure out how they betrayed me.” I finish with a tilt of my head and a shrug before picking up a crumb from the table, dropping it on my plate and looking everywhere but at Seb.
I hear a grunt from Seb, and when I chance a look at him, his nostrils are flaring. “And what happened to Josh?” The words are strained, and I have the feeling Seb is picturing all the ways he’d like to punish Josh for what happened. I have pictured them all myself. Given half a chance I would have happily castrated Josh and made Amber watch with a perverse delight.
“Josh and Amber are both dead,” I deadpan, as I try to control the flare of bitterness that talking about him dredges up. I watch Seb’s eyes widen at my revelation about them both being dead. “And no, I didn’t have anything to do with it, although I won’t deny the idea did cross my mind.”
Seb relaxes the muscles that tensed at my admission before he asks, “And let me guess, you hate them both even more for not allowing you the opportunity to get answers to all the questions that come from such a deep betrayal?”
I’m shocked by Seb’s ability to read me so well for someone who has only known me for such a short time. It makes me uncomfortable. It fucking terrifies me if I’m honest. Unable to form words, I simply nod my head. I hear the scraping of metal on the tiles as Seb pushes his stool back and gets to his feet. The next minute, he’s spinning me round to stand in front of me and lifting my chin to look up at him.
“Hey. What you’re feeling is perfectly natural. It’s unfinished business, Jamie. What you need to remember is that what they did to you, was not your fault.” I try to interrupt him, but he continues, “It was on them, and them alone. You’re beautiful, passionate, loyal and loving, there is no way it was something you did that made them betray you like that.” Seb brushes my lips with his own, and my heart slams against my chest at his words and gentle kiss, and I drop my head again.
I’ve not known this level of intimacy since I was twenty, and I struggle to get a handle on my emotions. Seb grasps my face in his hands, tilting my head up to look in his eyes. The moment stretches on for what feels like an age, and I see the truth of his words in his eyes. It doesn’t ease the apprehension running wild in my veins, if anything it intensifies it as I battle to understand what it all means.
My phone buzzes on the counter, breaking the moment and giving me a small reprieve, but I know there’s going to come a point where I’ll have to face facts; I think I’m falling in love with Seb.
Seb drops his hands, and I pick up my phone to read the message. It’s from Jasper in reply to the one I sent before leaving Rick’s asking to meet up.
“It’s Jasper. He wants to meet in an hour. At the station,” I tell Seb, hesitantly.
“Fuck. I’m not sure this is a good idea, Jamie? I don’t like the guy.” I tilt my head, giving him a ‘really, no kidding’ lo
ok. “It’s not just that, there’s something about him. Something that doesn’t add up.”
I consider his words because I know there is definitely something not entirely honest about him and his reasons for our meeting, but without proof, I just have to go with what we do have.
“I get it. I do, but I need to do what I can to help catch whoever killed Alex. And besides, Jay will be with me.” I drop my phone back to the counter.
“Yeah, and he better not leave your side if he values his life.” Seb steps back, and I drop down from the stool. I can see he’s still unhappy about me not letting him come, but this is for the best. I really don’t need two guys fighting over me any time, but right now is definitely not it.
I arrive at the station and wait for Jay. Lucky enough to find a parking space across the road, I watch people coming and going. I’m so lost in thought, that the rap of knuckles on my window have me swallowing a scream and clutching my hand to my chest.
I scowl at Jay’s laughing face. Jumping from the car, I clip him round the ear. “You scared the shit out of me, Jay.” He steps away as I attempt to swipe him again.
“Damn. You been taking lessons from Rick?” I let out a chuckle at that. “Come on, Princess, let’s get this over with and you back to Seb before he sends out a search party looking for your arse.”
“Oh, please. He’s probably at home right now queueing up his next lay.” The words taste bitter in mouth, and I’m not really sure what made me say them.
Jay stops walking, halting my steps with a hand on my arm. “Jamie, if you think that, then you don’t know Seb at all,” Jay says with a curious frown.
“You’re right, I don’t know Seb that well, but I don’t need to, to know he’s a player, Jay. Much like yourself, I dare say.” I brush his hand off my arm and stride towards the entrance. He jogs to catch me up, coming round to stop in front of me and blocking me.
