by Elouise East
They spent several minutes discussing the patients’ history and Alex’s concerns and observations. He was about to thank her and leave when she leaned forward and rested her arms on her knees, linking her fingers together.
“How are you?”
Alex’s brow furrowed as he tried to understand any hidden undertones in her question. “I’m fine, thank you. Why do you ask?”
Amanda wrinkled her nose. “You look like someone kicked your puppy. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business—I’ve been known to poke my nose in when it’s not required—but I’m here to listen to colleagues if they need it as well as patients.” She canted her head.
“I’m…” He hesitated.
“You’ve told me about your feelings for Craig. Is that the reason?” Amanda sat back and crossed her legs, hands now linked on her lap, her elbow now resting on one arm of the chair.
Alex’s cheeks flushed with heat. “I’ve not been irresponsible. I’ve kept everything to myself. I met him a few times in the hospital restaurant, and we’ve spoken several times. It’s been…nice. But I’ve never pushed for more. Unfortunately, we keep getting interrupted by my work.” Alex snorted, shaking his head.
“It may not seem like it, but it is the best thing for Craig.” Amanda paused, gazing at him with narrowed eyes. “You need to trust your instincts, Alex.” She leaned forward again and rested her hand on his arm.
“But how can I trust my instincts when they have led me wrong many times before?” Alex stared at the file in his hands, his pulse rocketing.
“Were they genuinely your instincts? Or what you believed was the right thing to do?” she questioned.
Alex gazed to the other side of the room. “I don’t know.”
“You need to find the answer to that question before you’ll be able to trust yourself.” She leaned back again.
“It’s difficult. I was in a similar situation before.” Alex proceeded to explain what had happened with Grayson.
“Is that what you feel Craig is like?”
“No!” Alex vehemently denied Craig was anything like Grayson.
“Then why don’t you trust yourself?” Amanda stared at him, giving him time to think.
“What if I’m wrong?”
“Do you believe you are wrong?” she asked.
Alex paused. He recalled his interactions with Craig, shaking his head, not needing to go through them all. “No.”
“But you’re scared of getting hurt?”
Alex nodded slowly.
“You need to find yourself, as Craig does. Dig deep, Alex. Once you find the real you, your instincts will fire up and let you know the right path to follow.”
Amanda left him with more questions than answers.
****
Alex picked up his tray, pivoting towards his usual table by the window. The restaurant was empty except for half a dozen people, one of which was working at a laptop and had paper spread across the table in front of him. Alex smiled slowly, his teeth biting into his bottom lip as he diverted his wobbly legs to a different table within view of the laptop guy. Placing the tray on the table, he dropped into the seat, gaze locked on their profile.
Craig.
Alex’s muscles relaxed, and it amplified the tonne weight of tension he had been carrying around with him. Watching Craig flick his gaze between the paperwork and the screen, seeing him in one piece, was all Alex seemed to need to have relief flowing through his body.
He reached for his plate with trembling hands before pulling back to rub his hands over his face first. He inhaled and exhaled several times before reaching for his plate again, hands steadier the second time.
Alex didn’t want to disturb Craig when he appeared to be involved in his work, and he was content to watch. Why was Craig working at the hospital restaurant? Alex knew Craig had an office at home. Had something happened? At the thought, Alex was ready to spring out of his seat and march across to sort it out for Craig. He held himself back, the tension returning.
Alex sighed heavily, shaking his head. “You’re a fucking stalker, Alex. Get a grip.” He finished his meal quickly and clutched the tray, ready to leave without speaking to Craig. As he stood, Craig glanced over at him and did a double take.
The smile which blossomed across Craig’s face at what could only be the recognition of Alex, had Alex overwhelmed. His heart felt ten times bigger and his smile, he could tell, was radiant. Craig beckoned him over, and Alex was helpless to do anything but submit.
Craig frowned after glancing at Alex’s rubbish-filled tray. “I didn’t want to disturb your work.”
Craig’s gaze returned to his own. “It’s okay. I could do with a breather.”
Alex hesitated but placed the tray on the next table over before sitting opposite Craig. “I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“I’ve been at my parents’ house, off and on. I seem to be able to think better there than anywhere else.” Craig scanned their surroundings as if he’d overshared.
“I’ve been busy with work, too. Crazy days.” He paused. “What are you doing?” He pointed to the laptop.
Red blotches appeared across Craig’s cheekbones. “Working.”
“Don’t you work from home?”
Craig stared at the table, silent, and Alex thought he wouldn’t answer. “I do. Amanda suggested I try to work somewhere I feel comfortable…um, somewhere different, I mean.” He paused, glancing briefly up at Alex. “I’ve been struggling to concentrate at home,” he added quietly.
Alex wasn’t sure what to say to that proclamation, so he defaulted to the social niceties. “Would you like a coffee?”
Craig’s sigh was barely audible, and he nodded. Alex collected the drinks and hoped his pager would not ruin this brief interlude they had. Alex approached with two coffees and placed them on the now cleared table.
“You don’t have to stop working.” Alex sat.
“It’s all good. I need a rest.”
They sat in silence while they drank. Alex had managed a few sips before being unable to stand the quiet any longer. “What music do you like?” Social manners were a lifesaver.
Craig smiled. “I might lose my street cred here, but Bon Jovi, Nickelback, Aerosmith, that kind of thing. What about you?”
Alex grinned. “Bon Jovi is cool. I’m more of an R&B fan, John Legend, Stevie Wonder.”
“Oh, do your parents know about their trip yet?”
Warmth spread through his chest. Alex couldn’t believe Craig had remembered their conversation from weeks ago. “No. We’re telling them at the weekend when we go and visit.”
“When do they go again? I couldn’t remember when you said.” Craig lifted his mug and sipped, eyes on Alex.
“Um, I think it’s in about three months.” Alex squinted to the side, trying to figure out when their anniversary was.
“You don’t know when their anniversary is?” Craig chuckled. “Uh oh.”
“I do know. I can’t remember at this point in time.” Alex pouted and lifted his mug to hide his need to smile.
Craig sniggered. “Are you planning to go with them?”
“God, no! Seeing my parents all lovey-dovey and all over each other is more than enough on a normal basis. On holiday, it will be ten times worse.” Alex sighed, content. “Nah, they need this time for themselves. If we went, they’d be spending all their time making sure we were all okay.”
Craig nodded. “Yeah, my parents would do the same. It’s a nice idea for a gift. I may have to steal it.”
Alex winked. “Steal away.”
Craig glanced at the table, a smile on his face. Alex tilted his head and studied Craig while he wasn’t aware. Craig sat straighter now as if he felt more comfortable in his skin. He was able to keep eye contact for longer periods of time, although shy in some respects. His skin and body appeared healthier, there was more definition to his muscles than when Alex had first seen him.
It had been around five months since Craig had left t
he hospital the final time, and Alex could see the difference, both in his physical features and his demeanour. Here was the strong guy who told him to leave when he’d made the house call.
Alex lost track of how long he’d been staring until Craig’s gaze lifted and caught his. They stayed locked for several seconds before Craig blushed again and dropped his gaze. The trance broken, Alex cleared his throat and checked his watch.
“Holy crap. I have to go.” He stood quickly, not wanting to leave Craig at all. “I’m late for my rounds.” He paused. “Would you like to do this again?”
Alex watched as Craig’s finger grazed across his lower lip, pinching it before he answered. “Yes.”
“Thursday?” His heart pounded fast in his chest, his palms sweating.
Craig nodded. “Okay.”
“Great. See you next week.”
Alex wheeled around, jogging for the exit. Luckily, doctors were known for being late; he wouldn’t have too many complaints.
As he headed back to work, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face.
****
Weary and bone-tired, Alex locked his front door behind him, resting against it for a few seconds before heading towards the bathroom. The silence pressed in on him, the absence of noise making the house feel empty. As he had done many times before, he wished he had someone to come home to.
After finishing in the shower, he set some pasta boiling and called his parents. He was past due a call to them and apologised when his mother answered.
“Don’t worry. Ella told us about your work schedule being crazy.”
Thank you, Ella.
His mother talked about what they’d been doing since their last conversation and their plans to, hopefully, go to Italy for their anniversary.
“That sounds good, Mum. You deserve it.” He rubbed his palm against his breastbone, his sense of homesickness returning as it always did when he spoke to his parents. Which was stupid. They lived in the same city, for god’s sake.
“I can’t believe Ella’s baby is nearly here!” He basked in the complete and utter joy coming through the phone as his mother rambled about baby things. Alex managed to finish cooking his dinner and devour it in between adding his input to the conversation.
“Anyway, enough about us. How are you?” The abrupt change of subject jarred Alex from his reverie.
“I’m good. I’m coming over to see you this weekend, most likely Saturday, if I don’t get called into work if that’s okay?”
“Of course. You’re welcome any time.”
“Yeah. Alright, well, I’m shattered, so I’m going to go to bed. I’ll let you know if plans change about Saturday, but if you don’t hear from me, I’ll be there.”
“Great. See you then, darling. Don’t work too hard, and make sure you get enough rest.”
Alex grinned at the usual ending to any conversation, be it on the phone or in person. His mother couldn’t help mothering. He was excited about their reaction to their anniversary gift.
Heading to bed, he thought about how nice it would be to be able to introduce Craig to them. They’d love him. All Alex could do was hope, one day, they would get their chance. He’d waited this long; he was sure he could wait longer.
Chapter 20
Craig
Craig exhaled as he hustled through the corridors towards his appointment. He had plenty to discuss with Amanda today; he was confused about what was happening with Alex and needed a sounding board.
They’d been meeting in the restaurant every Thursday after his sessions for the past six weeks, but Craig was feeling…apprehensive every time Alex was late. While he was waiting, Craig would go through all the things that could have gone wrong for Alex to be late, watching the entrance, hoping Alex would walk through it. Every time Alex entered, Craig’s muscles would unclench, and his hands would ache from how hard Craig had been wringing them together.
Once the initial anxiety faded, Craig had a great time getting to know Alex; he was funny, kind, hard-working and calm, compelling some of it to rub off on Craig. Once Alex left, either at their usual finish time or when his pager went off—which was another cause of panic for Craig—Craig could feel the tension seeping back into his body.
After doing some of the homework Amanda had given him, he was able to dissect some of his own thought processes and understood he was worried about Alex, but what he couldn’t work out was why.
And there was the reason he needed a sounding board.
“I’m struggling to figure some things out.” Craig got right to the point.
“What things?” Amanda sat, legs crossed, clipboard resting on her knees and pen poised as she awaited his answer.
“Alex.”
“Okay. What part are you struggling with?” Nothing phased Amanda; she took everything in as if there were no problems that couldn’t be fixed.
Craig slumped back in his seat with a sigh. “Well, you know I’ve been meeting with him.” She nodded. “But I’ve become anxious whenever he’s late or is paged and has to leave. I know I’m worried about him, but I don’t understand why.” He unlinked his hands from where they were clenched on his lap.
“Do you know if you are worried about him missing the meeting altogether or are worried about what happens with his job?” she asked.
Craig glanced to the floor, considering her question while rubbing the tension away from his forehead. “I know he will meet up if possible. He’s not like that. He wouldn’t leave me there without telling me if he didn’t want to carry on.”
“So, you’re concerned about his job. What do you think Alex does in his job?”
Craig frowned at Amanda in confusion. “He’s a doctor, of course.”
“Yeah, but what does him being a doctor entail in reality, do you think? Has he ever explained his job to you?”
“He’s not told me, no. But it’s obvious, isn’t it? He looks after people, takes care of them. He has to deal with horrible patients and visitors. He works long hours, keeping him on his feet all the time. He gets a couple of days off but has to cover for people if they’re off sick or something.” Craig shrugged.
“If Alex didn’t tell you about his job, where did you get this information from?” Amanda gazed at him.
Craig pondered his answer. “Well, I’ve seen some of it from when I was here. And, obviously, TV.” He scrunched his nose up. “That’s probably not the best source of information,” he concluded.
Amanda smiled. “If you are worried about Alex, the best thing you can do is ask him about his job. I can alleviate some of your worries, but not all. Alex is not an A&E doctor, so the public he is around is usually less…feisty, shall we say. Yes, he sometimes covers in there, because of staff absences, but he’s a ward doctor. Do you know the difference?” Craig shook his head. “A ward doctor deals with patients who have finished in A&E and have been moved to a ward for longer-term care like you had. Did you notice he was tending to you while you were in here?”
“Yeah, I thought he kept coming to see how I was. I’ve seen him several times working in A&E.” Craig’s tension seeped out of his body as understanding dawned. “I was worried about him being hurt in A&E by ungrateful people.”
“I think that is some of it, yes.” Amanda bit her lip. “If I said to you that you couldn’t see Alex for the next six weeks, how do you feel about the idea?”
Craig’s pulse increased and his palms were sweating. He linked his fingers back together to hide his reaction. “I’d be fine.” His voice was shaky.
Amanda narrowed her gaze as she inspected him up and down. “Your body language answers differently.”
Craig exhaled shakily. “I need to stay away from him, don’t I?”
“That’s not for me to decide, Craig. If you believe you have a good friendship with Alex, great. If you feel like you are dependent on him, that’s not as good. Only you can answer your question, I’m afraid.”
Craig left the session more aware of his thoughts. And understa
nding what needed to be done. He strode towards the lifts, which would take him to where he was meeting Alex.
He was gripping his coffee cup when Alex arrived five minutes late.
“Sorry, a visit lasted longer than expected.” Alex smiled at Craig as he sat opposite, in front of a cup of coffee Craig had already purchased. “How are you today?” He took a sip.
Craig paused, not sure how to start the conversation they needed to have. “Not bad.”
Alex cocked his head, frowning. “Is everything alright?”
“I need to stop meeting with you.” Craig hadn’t meant to throw it out there straight away, but it was for the best. He watched as Alex’s expression morphed from concern to bewilderment to confusion.
“What? Why?” Craig could see a tightening around Alex’s eyes and unless he was mistaken, a flare of pain.
Craig rubbed his hands over his face before wrapping them back around the cup, needing its warmth. “I need to figure out who I am and what I want. I need to stop…being dependent on others.” Craig glanced out of the window. “I have to learn to stand on my own two feet.”
Alex didn’t say anything, and Craig glanced back at him. “And you can’t do that now?”
Craig shook his head. “I need space…to step back for a while. I’m sorry.”
He watched as Alex swallowed several times before speaking to his cup. “You don’t need to be sorry, Craig. You need to do what’s best for you.”
Alex’s voice was his doctor’s one; the tone which conveyed everything would be fine, and Alex would do what he needed to. Craig had allocated different versions of Alex to various aspects of his life. When Alex spoke of his family and friends, his voice was warmth, love and affection; about work, it was usually his doctor’s tone; and about other things was a more reserved, excitable edge.
Craig swallowed against a lump in his throat and pulled back from his cup. “I’m going to go.” He stood but paused. “I am sorry, Alex. I hope…” he hesitated, biting his lip. “Goodbye, Alex.” He pivoted to walk away.
