Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

by Phil Foglio

  The walls and doors they move about, like the windows and the floors,

  And there are deathtraps everywhere, with spikes and carnivores.

  So the Heterodynes are a jolly folk, they love to dance and sing.

  They have a murderous evil house that gives them everything.

  —Balen’s Gap/Sturmhalten children’s rhyming song

  Through a hallway of Castle Heterodyne, Airman Higgs strode purposefully. His Wulfenbach airshipman’s uniform was tattered and so was he. Bruises, cuts, grime, and blood covered every exposed surface, but he stood tall, moving without any signs of infirmity. He carried Zeetha like the princess she was, carefully cradled in his arms. A massive, oozing bandage was wound around her midsection. Her color and irregular breathing warned she was terribly close to death.

  He walked in silence. A heavy, palpable feeling of very purposefully not saying anything filled the air.

  Finally, the airshipman stopped. Checking to see if girl in his arms was still unconscious, he addressed the empty air: “You got somethin’ to say, you better say it, before you bust a window or somethin’.”

  The Castle’s usual tone of amused malice was gone, replaced with a cold anger. “You are abandoning the Heterodyne.”

  Higgs considered this and checked the girl in his arms again. It would be close. He squared his shoulders and continued onwards. “You think Klaus Wulfenbach’s kid, the Storm King, a Smoke Knight, and all those others ain’t enough?”

  “They are not you.” The Castle continued, “Until there is an heir—”

  “Oh, not that again,” Higgs groaned. “I swear,” he muttered, “every twenty years . . . it’s like some kind of echo or somethin’.”

  “I still have my priorities. The Heterodyne needs her strongest protectors—”

  “She needs this girl!”

  “She is a very good fighter,” the Castle acknowledged, “but obviously not as good as she thought she was. She’ll be no good at all in her current state.”

  Higgs nodded, “Which is why I’m taking her to Mamma . . . General Gkika34.” He paused, “Besides, it ain’t the fightin’ the Lady will need her for.”

  The Castle paused. “I think it will be a while before the Lady will require experimental subjects—”

  Higgs sighed. “No.”

  “Monster fodder?”

  “I’m talking about friends, you mud hut. How many of the masters have had friends. Not alliances, I mean real friends. People they could trust? People who actually liked them?”

  “Now you’re being unrealistic. You’re talking about the Heterodynes,” the Castle huffed. “The Family has no ‘friends.’ ”

  Higgs nodded. “And look where the Family is now.”

  When the Castle spoke next, it sounded uncertain. “But . . . it . . . it all sounds so . . . messy.” It grew more accusatory. “I think you’re the one who ‘actually likes’ this girl.”

  “An overconfident, optimistic fool like this?” Higgs snorted as he held Zeetha slightly tighter. “You think what you like.”

  The huge jack-in-the-box clank slumped, releasing a final gout of steam. “Playtime is over, young masters,” it hissed. Gil and Tarvek realized they were no longer under attack, and began extricating themselves from the oversized toy’s clutches.

  Agatha hurried over. “I got the circuits reattached, so everything should be fine now.”

  “Yes, indeed,” the Castle added with a jocular tone to its voice. “Why, I had forgotten I even had an impluvium!”

  She looked at the two panting men. “Are you two okay?”

  Tarvek waved a hand. “I’m good.” He looked over to Gil. “You good?” Gil, looking slightly purple, nodded as he pried a mechanical hand from his throat. Tarvek nodded. “We’re good.”

  Agatha looked relieved. “You guys should take a break. I have to figure out where to go next.”

  Tarvek leaned back and examined the gaudy furnishings of the room. “So this was the nursery,” he sighed.

  Gil threw the hand across the room. “It explains so much.” The two sat side by side and watched Agatha move about, appreciating both her and their continued ability to breathe. Finally, Tarvek pulled a sheaf of notes from his coat pocket. He crossed out an entry and examined the rest. “That’s two down and two more to go. Unless these repairs uncover even more breaks . . . ”

  He looked at Gil, who had fixed him with a cold stare. “What now?” he asked.

  “What are you playing at?” Gil sounded angry.

  Tarvek looked at him blankly. “Pardon?”

  “You’re up to something.”

  Tarvek squirmed. “What makes you think—”

  “You’re breathing!”

  “You’ll have to be a bit more descriptive.”

  “Zola got away because of me, and you haven’t said a word. What are you up to?”

  Comprehension dawned in Tarvek’s eyes. “Ah. I see. You’re waiting for me to twit you about letting Zola escape. In front of Agatha, of course, in order to make you look bad.”

  Gil frowned. “Pretty much.”

  Tarvek rolled his eyes. “Tsk. You really do think everyone around you is mentally deficient, don’t you? I’m not an idiot. Consider—you’ve known Zola for years. You’re used to protecting her. You had no idea that she’d just hurt Agatha. How could you have? Plus, you were all messed up from that plant. So you came running in, saw someone you hate and fear trying to kill her. Of course you reacted.”

  Gil glowered at him. “I do not fear you.”

  Tarvek looked surprised. “Really? You should. Anyway, there’s also no way you could have known that once I let go of her she’d fly away. It startled me, I’ll admit. As for Agatha, she’s one of the smartest people we’ll ever meet. Give her some credit for logical thought. She’d think I was a fool if I gave you a hard time about this, and she’d be right. No, no, she will have to see you act poorly for it to make an impression.”

  Gil looked chastised. “Wow. I . . . I guess I misjudged you.”

  Tarvek stamped his foot. “No, no, no! You haven’t misjudged me, you’ve underestimated me! Mark my words. Even if I never break your illegitimate empire, even if I cannot reclaim the Crown of Lightning, I can and will force you to reveal yourself to Agatha as the base scoundrel you really are.”

  A red curtain slid over Gil’s vision. He grabbed Tarvek by the front of his shirt and pulled him in until his rival’s face was centimeters from his own. Tarvek looked unconcerned. “You backstabbing sneak,” Gil growled. “I will break—”

  “GIL!” Agatha stood over them, scandalized. “What are you doing? Put him down!”

  Tarvek was so pleased that he hardly flinched at all when Violetta’s shout caught him from behind. “There you are!”

  He turned, grinning. “Ah, Violetta, my little cloud of doom. Even you cannot dampen my spirits right now.”

  A sisterly sock to the gut wiped the smile off his face. “Did you have to keep moving around so much? I can’t believe how long it took to find you idiots.”

  “I helped,” the Castle said cheerfully.

  Violetta snarled. “Helped?”

  “Oh, come now. We had fun! Alerting you to every other trap was more than fair.”

  Agatha waved an accusatory finger upwards. “We’re going to talk about this.” She turned to Violetta. “Zeetha. Is she . . . ?”

  Violetta bit her lip. “She’s tough as nails. It was a clean wound, and I packed her full with half my pharmacopoeia to stop the bleeding and reduce the shock, but . . . ” She looked at Agatha apologetically. “I’m not a doctor, but it looked pretty bad. Mister Higgs seemed to think she’ll be okay.”

  She didn’t mention that the normally dour airshipman had examined Zeetha in a way that made her think he had seen his share of battlefield injuries. He’d finally rested back on his heels, looked at Violetta, and nodded. “Mighty good job,” he’d said, before hoisting Zeetha into his arms and striding off. Violetta had felt like she’d
passed an exam she hadn’t even known she’d been taking.35

  Tarvek strode up with a cushion held strategically over his midsection. “Did they tell you that Zola stuck Agatha with one of her hairpins?”

  Seconds later, he was clutching an eye while Violetta was unbuttoning Agatha’s undershirt. “I can’t believe it! You two let her get hurt again? Why do I even let you out of my sight?” She turned to Tarvek, who rolled into a ball. “Didn’t you even run any tests?”

  “With what,” he bleated. “I came in here in a bed sheet!”

  “And whose fault was that?” As she was speaking, she pulled out several small packets and ampules. With a deft series of movements, she swabbed the wound and took a small blood sample, which she poured from one vial to another. “That’s it, my Lady,” she said conversationally. “I’m not letting you marry either one of these useless—ARRGH!”

  She spun about in fury and even Gil took a step back at her expression. “Of course there’s poison. It looks like it’s ‘Auntie Mehitabel’s Natural Causes’.”36

  Gil bit his lip. “I’ve never heard of it.”

  Tarvek shrugged. “I’m not surprised. It’s subtle.”

  “Oh, thank you very much.”

  “Also slow-acting.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “And really hard to detect.”

  “Wait. What? I don’t even know where you’re going with that one.”

  Tarvek sighed. “I’m not going anywhere. It really is a subtle, slow, hard-to-detect poison.”

  “The good news,” Violetta said, “is that it’s easy to get rid of if you know it’s there and if you have the antidote. So usually? Yeah, deadly. Smoke Knights carry that particular antitoxin, as well as some others, of course. You’re lucky you’ve got a Smoke Knight on your side, but you’re really going to need some sleep as soon as you can get it.”

  Agatha nodded in agreement. Neither Gil nor Tarvek disagreed.

  Antidote taken, the group reformed and continued their trek.

  “What’s next?” Violetta asked.

  “You are now entering what I think is a major problem area,” the Castle informed them. “But I am not sure. Because of the damage, I cannot see it.”

  They stopped short just outside a massive pair of iron doors. The blast of heat from beyond made them turn their faces away and wince.

  “Now, I don’t remember what is supposed to be here, but I remember that it’s important. Does it look bad?”

  “Well,” Gil ventured, staring into the inferno before them. “This is Castle Heterodyne. Maybe it’s supposed to be on fire.”

  “FIRE?” the Castle screamed. “I am draining the cistern!” They just had time to look up before the wall of water hit.

  In the Great Hospital, Zola lay cocooned in bandages and surrounded by a web of tubes, wires, and monitors. Doctor Sun snapped the lid of his instrument case shut as he finished his running diagnosis. He’d been talking for some time and was desperately wishing for a cup of tea. “Summary?” he asked.

  Daiyu made a final notation and nodded. “Zola has multiple injuries, but no life-threatening physical trauma. Her metabolism has stabilized thanks to treatment, but she was already crashing hard from whatever cartload of drugs she got dosed with. We found a lot of interesting things on her when we got her undressed—a fair number of little portable containers that still had drugs or at least residue in them. We should be getting a report on them back in the next few hours.

  “She also had a surprising number of weapons secreted about her person. Some of them—” She winced. “Well, I certainly hope we got them all. But I’m very curious to find out what a number of them actually do.”

  Sun nodded. “I expect Klaus and Mistress Spüdna37 will be very interested in talking to this one.”

  “I hope they get the chance. She’s still appallingly toxic, and the aftereffects of some of this stuff . . . It’s going to take some slow, careful work to flush this mess out of her system without killing her.”

  Doctor Sun looked intrigued. “I have some interesting new ideas on how to proceed with that.”

  Daiyu bit her lip. “As long as it keeps her alive.” She looked at the still woman on the bed before them. “You know, Grandfather, it might sound crazy, considering her condition, but I’d feel better if we had her in restraints. You know, just in case.”

  Doctor Sun smiled. “It does not sound crazy, my dear. It sounds prudent.” He paused. “Extra guards, as well.”

  As they left, Zola ever so slightly opened one eye. “And yet they still underestimate me,” she muttered. One corner of her mouth twitched into a sly smile that became a wince of pain. “Still . . . Restraints. Guards. Not good. Obviously, the time to leave is now!”

  With a terrific effort, Zola dramatically raised her head several centimeters from her pillow and passed out.

  She awoke hours later. The sky outside her window was dark. The room was dimly lit. Mechanisms hummed, clicked, and gurgled quietly all around her. She felt much better and tried to move, but found herself strapped down. She strained against the restraints and gasped from the pain this awoke all over her body. “Curse this wretched, weak body,” she hissed.

  After a few minutes of silent fuming, she heard a muffled thump from the other side of the door, which, after a few seconds, swung slightly open. A pair of mechanical eyes peered in. “Now that sounds like someone I know,” the clank girl trilled as she skipped into the room, but she paused when she saw who was on the bed. Her expression became contrite. “Oh!” Suddenly the clank’s voice changed, becoming a vapid parody of itself. “Please excuse me! I must have the wrong room! The guards here seem to have fallen asleep and—” She edged out and began to close the door.

  “Lucrezia,” Zola hissed. “Wait! Don’t go!”

  Instantly, the door closed, and the clank was at her side, eyes narrowed, a palpable air of menace gathering around her. “Who are you?” she asked, her voice now intelligent and deadly.

  Zola grinned insouciantly. “Why, you silly girl! I’m Lucrezia!”

  The clank stared at her, blinking her eyes, apparently in confusion. No! Zola realized, sifting through the mind trapped within her own. A code. A blinking code. Designed so Lucrezia could always recognize herself, no matter what shape she wore. Zola swore inwardly, dear Auntie had hidden this knowledge deep. There was now a roaring of contradictory instructions, but there was one sequence that kept repeating through the mind. Zola trusted to luck and relayed the sequence. There was an interminable pause as they stared into each other’s eyes, then the clank girl gave her a dazzling smile and stood back. Zola allowed herself to breathe again.

  The clank tipped her head to one side and looked Zola up and down. “What unexpected fun. Another me!” She reached out and ran a silver finger along Zola’s jaw. “But I’m dying to know, dear . . . who is this you’re wearing? When I heard the staff talking about a ‘Heterodyne girl,’ I naturally assumed I’d find the me I left wearing our darling daughter.”

  Zola considered what exactly to tell. Always tell as much of the truth as you can, she reminded herself. It’s always so much easier to remember. She then shuddered when she realized when and where she’d heard that advice. She took a deep breath. “You probably can’t tell, since the silly thing got herself frightfully bashed up, but this is Zola. Dear Demonica’s daughter.”

  The clank looked startled. “Demonica? Really?”

  “Yes! And she’s as gullible as her dear mama! She’s part of some scheme the Knights of Jove have got up to, and the darling girl decided to rescue me! There we were in the old secret laboratory, so I just copied myself right over her, neat as you please.”

  “Rescue you? You were in the Castle? Whatever were you doing there, of all places?”

  Zola pouted. “Our daughter has regained control.”

  “What?” Lucrezia was genuinely shocked. “How?”

  “She’s got a device around her neck. A locket. It’s keeping me locked down inside he
r. Another annoying trinket courtesy of dear meddling Barry.”

  The clank froze. “He’s here?”

  Zola closed her eyes. “No. No, he made it years ago, to keep her from breaking through.38 But no, he himself has been missing for years. He’s no threat.” The stab of sheer panic that burst from the mind trapped within her mirrored the expression on Lucrezia’s clank face. They both looked about frantically before they caught themselves.

  The clank glared at Zola. “Do you want him to show up?” she hissed.

  Zola was apologetic. “I’m so sorry, dear. I can’t think what came over me.”

  Lucrezia closed her eyes. It was obvious that if she’d been human, she’d have been taking a deep, calming breath. “But, dear, this explains so much. I barely had time to seal the secret passages under Sturmhalten Castle before Klaus’s troops overran the place. They completely swallowed the tale of ‘my treacherous brother,’ but the next I heard, he was here in the hospital. There were not one, but two new Heterodyne girls in Castle Heterodyne. Since you and Tarvek were supposed to have gone with our priestesses, I had to assume that any number of things had gone terribly wrong.”

  Zola skimmed the memories of the Lucrezia within her, and sighed. “We were captured before we could join them. Neatly ambushed by dear Klaus himself.”

  Lucrezia leaned in, a yearning look on her face. “How does he look?”

  The emotions and scraps of memory that roared through Zola’s mind made her shiver and blush. “Better,” she whispered.

  “No.”

  “Oh yes. You know that annoying, softhearted romantic streak he always had? Gone! Someone’s burned it right out of him!”

  Lucrezia bit her lip. “Mmm. That sounds promising. Is he smarter?”

  Zola sighed again. “Maybe a little too smart. He recognized me. Even after all this time and even though I was so well-disguised.” She looked up at the clank. “And then he tried to kill me.”

  Lucrezia made a moue of displeasure. “That man. He does sound smarter. We ought to smother him before he wakes up.”

  Zola blinked. “He’s here?”