Graceful Scars

by Savannah Stewart

  “Please…” Before I could get the rest out the shaking in my legs grew and I lost all control of staying upright. I collapsed to the floor as the sobs took over.

  “Tegan!” Talon tried to catch me as my chest heaved for a steady breath. I continued to sob as he tucked his arms under my towel-covered body and picked me up from the floor. He was telling me everything was going to be okay and that he was taking me back to my bedroom so I could lay in bed. As the tears began to subside I felt the mattress dip as he laid me down and pulled the comforter up around me. As I tried to slow my erratic heart and continue to breathe slowly I felt the other side of the mattress dip. Talon was climbing in bed with me. No man had been in the same bed as me for a long time.

  Before I could overthink what was happening I felt his warm hand wrap around my shoulders and begin to caress my arm as something slid over my head. Looking through my tear-filled lashes I realized what he had placed over my head was his shirt. I slid my arms into it and shimmied it down the rest of my body but left the towel wrapped around me as well. The material felt nice against my skin, and smelt just like Talon. I sighed as I snuggled the shirt before turning on my side towards him. At first I couldn’t brave looking into his eyes, but as I took in his naked chest I had to focus my attention anywhere except his abs.

  A low laugh rumbled his chest as he pulled me closer against him. “How are you feeling?”

  Good question.

  His fingertips were tracing an invisible pattern against my arm, distracting me even more from coming up with an answer about how I was feeling. I wanted to scream fantastic, because he made me feel that way, but in all reality I felt lethargic from the crying and up and down of my emotions. So I thought of one word that could sum up my feelings in their entirety, but came up short.

  “Exhausted,” I admitted, snuggling deeper into his side.

  “You can talk to me, Tegan.” I could feel the vibration of his voice through his side. I closed my eyes and took in the warmth of his skin as he awaited my response. I knew Talon would listen when—if—I was able to talk about it all, I just wasn’t sure that I was ready for that. So instead of giving him the full story, I only gave him part.

  “I’m supposed to take an array of medications for my anxiety.” I paused so he could take in what I said. “I try not to take it because of how it makes me feel…and my doctor even told me that it would be okay to only take when needed, which has been a lot lately. The other night at the bar was one of my milder episodes.” I tried to bury my face deeper into his side as I continued on but he moved over just enough so I wasn’t able to.

  “It can be the smallest things that set me off. For example the heat and steam in the bathroom after my shower was pushing me into an attack. I ran to the kitchen to take some medication but dropped the bottle, spilling its contents across the kitchen floor. I felt helpless and pissed off from even having to take the medication in the first place, so I didn’t. The glass I had filled with water I all but threw into the sink, shattering it into pieces, and was in the process of cleaning it up when the doorbell rang, so I cut myself on a shard of glass.”

  His response was so low I almost didn’t hear it. “I’m sorry.”

  He’s sorry?!

  I sat up in bewilderment. “What are you sorry for, Talon? You didn’t do anything.”

  He ran his hands through his hair, making it even more disheveled than it already was. “I’m just sorry that you have to deal with all of that. I can’t imagine how tough it can get at times.” He leaned forward and ran the back of his hand across my cheek bone. The warmth faded from my cheek has his hand moved across it. I wanted so badly to grab hold of his hand and keep it there against my face. It felt nice, comforting even.

  “I’ve been dealing with this way before we met, Talon, you don’t have to feel sorry for me.” I smiled shyly.

  The last thing I wanted was for anyone, especially him, to feel sorry for me. That made me look weak, made me feel weak just by hearing him say that. Even though I knew he didn’t mean it in that way. Most people say they’re sorry when something bad happens to others, not meaning for it to be taken in any context except they feel bad for what happened to them. Maybe I just had a problem with that word in general. He did use it quite a bit that night.

  “I didn’t mean to ruin your plans for the day.” I snuggled back against his side as he wrapped an arm securely around me.

  “You didn’t ruin them, you just altered them.” He smiled widely down at me.

  “What do you mean I altered them?” I smiled back.

  “I had a few places I wanted to take you today, but as long as I’m with you it doesn’t matter if we just stay in this bed.” He leaned over and softly pressed his lips against mine. His words made my skin prickle and the way his tongue flicked against my bottom lip begging to explore my mouth made the temperature in the room suddenly climb. Giving him access I leaned into him, deepening the kiss. He tasted like mint toothpaste, and for some reason I couldn’t get enough of it.

  He slowed our movements and placed three kisses in a row against my lips before pulling back and smoothing my hair behind my ears. “You’re unbelievably beautiful, Tegan Carter.” I bit down on my lip and sighed as I leaned back against the headboard behind me. The sensations that shot through me from the feel of his lips on mine had my heart hammering in my chest. A calming beat passed before his lips were back on mine; he moved so fast I hadn’t realized that he was hovering over me until I felt him slip his hand around the side of my neck and into the hair at the nape.

  The usual feeling of calmness and ease with him had disappeared; I was being overwhelmed by everything hitting me at once and I was terrified. “Talon…” Breaking the kiss I frantically called out his name as my chest rose and fell rapidly. I was hoping I didn’t sounds as terrified to him as I did to myself but the look on his face let me know that I had.

  “Tegan,” He got up from the bed and ran his hands through his shaggy locks. “I didn’t mean for that to get out of hand. I—ugh—I’m sorry.” He left me sitting in the bed, stunned, before I could even respond.

  I heard what sounded like the bathroom door shut so I hopped out of bed, quickly discarded the towel beneath Talon’s shirt and replaced it with bra, panties, and a pair of sleep shorts. His shirt hit just above the hem of my sleep shorts, letting anyone that would see me know that I was indeed wearing something underneath the shirt. I wanted to crawl back into bed and disappear for the rest of the day but I decided I needed to make sure Talon didn’t think he had overstepped his boundary.

  Heading for the kitchen I noticed the door to the bathroom was closed and the light peeking from beneath the door was a good indicator that he was in there. I took a seat on the couch and flipped on the television. Day time shows were the worst. Nothing but talk shows, court shows, or kid’s shows were on every channel. Since I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about any of those I clicked the On Demand section on the cable box and waited for it to load. The sound of the lock clicking open on the bathroom door pulled my attention from the television. The light flipped off as Talon passed the threshold, stopping when he caught sight of me on the couch. I smiled widely at him, hoping it would get the point across but he dunked his head and went straight into the kitchen.

  I watched him as he pulled his jacket from the hanger behind the door and began to put it on. “Where are you going?” I folded my arms across the arm of the couch, resting my head on top of them.

  “Thought it would be best if I left.” He lifted his eyes in my direction as he slipped his jacket all the way on.

  “I was getting ready to find something to watch, care to join me?” I smiled at him as I awaited his response.

  Stopping his jacket zipper midway Talon arched an eyebrow at me in question before unzipping it and hanging it back up. “You’re one interesting girl, Tegan.” He kicked his shoes off by the door and joined me on the couch.

  “Yeah, I know…I’m special.” I shrugged my should
ers as he erupted with laughter.

  “That you are.”

  Chapter Seven

  “How are you dealing with things, Tegan?” My counselor Abigail Corning’s concerned voice echoed through my head from the other end of the phone line.

  How am I dealing with things?

  Shitty.

  Hard as hell.

  There are some up sides though…like Talon, Zoey, and Adalynn at times.

  “I’m doing well, I suppose.” I tried to sound convincing, like the sun was shining bright on the world of Tegan Carter. When in reality it was more like a solar eclipse most of the time, or the sun was hiding the majority of the day while it rained like a mother fucker.

  “You suppose?” The jig was up. She knew I was lying through my teeth. After a long pause Abigail spoke again, “I can call in a higher dose of anxiety medication if you need it, Tegan. Just because I can’t see you for office visits doesn’t mean I’m not here for you.”

  Abigail was a family friend. She and my mother had gone to school together since the seventh grade and were inseparable until my parents moved to California. She had also been my counselor since the incident happened. Luckily, patient and doctor privilege kept her from disclosing the information to my parents about that night. Threatening her job might have also kept her from telling them off the record. I had to make sure all points of contact were closed off because the last thing I needed would be my parents coming back to Chicago to start a media frenzy about what their daughter had gone through. Hell, I couldn’t even go to court to testify when the police knew who it was and what had happened. The initial investigation was the farthest it went, and hopefully it was the end for him. It’s hard for law enforcement to put a man behind bars that they can’t find.

  I closed my eyes and squeezed the bridge of my nose with my thumb and first finger. Abigail was one to try her hardest to help someone, whether they wanted the help or not. I was balancing in the middle of wanting and not wanting her assistance in the matter. I knew if I dropped the medication cold turkey I would end up in worse shape than I was at the get go, but then again I was still suffering a great deal from time-to-time. It definitely wasn’t a win-win situation.

  “The dose is working fine. I just…I’ve been adapting to having new people in my life is all.” I knew admitting that was going to send her off into a thousand new questions, but there wasn’t much else I could say if I wanted to be honest with her.

  “Okay, that’s a revelation in itself.” She paused again. I noticed Talon’s car pull into the parking lot of Graceful Moves. Yes, I was still sitting in my car. Abigail had caught me off guard by calling and the last thing I wanted to do was walk into the building talking about my crazy train for all the parents to hear. I was lucky many of them didn’t stop bringing their children to class after they caught wind of something going down. Adalynn did a good job of shutting down the full details on what happened; they were told that I was attacked outside and the police handled it.

  Not so much.

  “I really have to go, Abigail. I’m about to walk into the studio.” A smiling Zoey caught sight of me in my car. She threw her tiny hand in the air and started waving frantically.

  “I know what you’re doing, Tegan. Avoidance is never the key to healing. This conversation isn’t over, so expect a call from me soon.” The sternness in her voice didn’t go unnoticed.

  “Sure thing, Abigail. We’ll talk soon.”

  “Take care of yourself, Tegan.”

  “I will.”

  “And call your parents, they’ve been hounding me about you.”

  The hairs on my arms stood up from her statement. “What do you mean hounding you about me? You didn’t—”

  She cut me off before I could say anymore. “Slow yourself…I haven’t told them a thing, nor will I. I made a promise to you, Tegan, but the day you feel like telling your parents I’ll be by your side.”

  “You mean if I ever tell my parents.” I sounded like a complete bitch for saying that. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come off as rude as I just did. Thanks for helping me, Abigail. I appreciate every ounce of it, even if I don’t show it.”

  “You and your parents mean a lot to me. It’s no problem at all.”

  “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “Sounds good.”

  The call ended and I sat there staring out the window. I had a straight shot of the next couple of streets over, so I watched the people go about their daily lives and wondered what each one had secretly tucked away from others to see. Everyone has some kind of darkness to them, right? It wasn’t just me, was it?

  The sound of someone tapping on my window made me jump in my seat, hitting my head against the roof of my vehicle. Stupid nerves… I rubbed the now sore spot and turned to see who was responsible for my injury. Adalynn was trying to see me through the darkly tinted glass, but I could tell she wasn’t having the best of luck.

  “I’m getting out!” I called to her so I wouldn’t knock her down with the door, even if I wanted to after hitting my head.

  When Adalynn moved I got out of the car. “Thanks for that.” I rubbed my head again.

  “Well, if you weren’t sitting in your damn car I wouldn’t have to come searching to see if you’re all right.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  I pulled my bag from the trunk and threw it over my shoulder. “Why did you come looking for me, anyway?” I looked at her from the corner of my eye as we walked towards the entrance of the studio.

  “I saw you pull into the parking lot and when you didn’t follow Talon and Zoey in I thought something might be up…” She grew quieter as the sentence came to a close. Adalynn was just being Adalynn, the protective—my protective—best friend.

  “I was talking to Abigail.”

  “Oh.” She left it at that as we walked into the studio. Adalynn knew everything to do with Abigail, and anytime I brought up talking to her she left it alone.

  I waved at the group of girls stretching on the other side of the room as I continued in the direction of my office. I still didn’t feel that it would be a good idea to start teaching classes again. Adalynn was doing a great job with each age group and I felt more at ease being in the background. Maybe next semester I could jump back into the teaching part, but for the time being it just wasn’t in the cards.

  The girls seemed to be extra wild, so I shut the door to my office so I could get my mind in the right frame for the ton of paperwork I had to balance. I dropped my bag in its usual spot beside my desk and took a seat. I leaned back in my chair and watched through the glass windows as Adalynn started instructing the girls. Everyone was smiling, laughing, simply enjoying themselves; it was nice to see. I caught sight of Talon sitting on the top bleacher, leaning against the wall behind him. He was watching Zoey dance about with the biggest smile on his face. It was one of pride and love. My heart squeezed tightly from the sight of him looking at his sister that way. You couldn’t deny how close they were, and how much love they had for one another. I just wondered what had happened to their parents. Why was it just the two of them? That would be a question I wouldn’t ask because I knew how hard it was to talk about, or avoid talking about, a situation that scars you deeply. But maybe, just maybe, their story wasn’t as tarnished as mine. I’m not sure how long I was sitting there staring at the girls and Talon before he turned his attention in my direction, catching me watching him. The boyish smile that slowly made its way across his lips had me wanting to run out there, throw myself into his lap, and kiss him senseless.

  Calm yourself, Tegan.

  Never in my life had I ever felt the way I felt about Talon. Sadly we weren’t even a couple, but I wasn’t sure if that could even work. Things seemed nice in their current state, so why mess with something good, right?

  Looking away from the class and Talon, I gave the paperwork in front of me my undivided attention. It had been a couple weeks since I had balanced everything, and the pile of papers seemed to get hig
her and higher with each day that passed.

  Taking a moment to check the time on the bottom of the computer screen in front of me I realized I had been sitting there for over an hour. The once overly large stack had dwindled down quite a bit and my stomach was growling for me to put something in it. In my rush out the door to get to the studio I had forgotten to grab something to eat on the go, then with Abigail’s phone call throwing me off track I completely forgot to stop and get something. That left me sitting in my office at well past one o’clock with a very empty stomach. The dance class was coming to a close as I watched Adalynn instruct the girls to clean up and put away their mats. Talon was still perched on the bleachers but had moved down to the bottom row. He wasn’t paying a bit of attention to me because Zoey was bouncing on her toes in front of him obviously rambling on about something she thought was amazing beyond the moon. That little girl brought so much life and happiness to anyone who was around her. The world needs more people like her in it.

  I was scrolling through the shit ton of emails I had been avoiding for weeks when I heard the door click open. The smell of that familiar cologne filled the room, giving away that it was Talon standing there before I even had the chance to look up from my cell phone screen.

  “Busy?” He finally spoke up. I still hadn’t looked up at him.

  “Just a little bit.” I continued to smile at the cell phone screen.

  “That’s just too bad then.” I regarded him in curiosity. He was propped against the door frame with his arms crossed over his broad chest and a teasing smirk tipping up the right corner of his lips. I silently sighed as I took him in; dark wash jeans, black tennis shoes, and a maroon and grey Henley.

  “Why is that?” I took the bait.

  “Zoey, Adalynn, and I are going to grab some lunch down the road, thought you might want to join us.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal if I didn’t join them. “But that’s okay if you don’t want to.” He pushed off the door frame, shot me a wink, and turned to walk out of my office.