Her Undoing

by Skylar Heart

  “It’s still my house too. We signed the lease together and I’ve been paying the rent for the last year. My name is on the utilities.” Her voice wavers a little, but she doesn’t back down. “They’re just helping me pack my things.”

  I turn around and Noah doesn’t look like he’s enjoying this a whole lot. Behind him, Dylan, Mal and Tom appear in the doorway, looking like they’re ready to fight, but they stop when they see Mia.

  “Make them stop. Make them put everything back. This is our life, they can’t just ruin it.” Noah takes a couple of steps closer to Mia.

  “No.” She shakes her head, straightening her posture, and she doesn’t back down.

  Noah changes tactics, his shoulders sloping, his eyes changing, his voice getting a strange tone to it. “Why did I ever believe that you cared for me? It’s obvious that you don’t care for anyone but yourself. Do they know that yet? That as soon as you no longer need them, you will drop them like you dumped me?”

  I see the doubt flash behind Mia’s eyes. Oh, fuck. No. No matter what, three years of this shit is going to be hard to break for her, and he’s still got some hooks into her, that’s obvious.

  Noah sees it too and his eyes flit to me for a moment, before going back to Mia. “Who is going to put up with your moods? You know that I only ever wanted what was the best for you. I’ve given you so much of my life, and then you just leave me, you just used me until you found someone better.”

  “No.” Mia’s voice is weaker now. How does he turn her around like this? Years of abuse and grooming, that’s how. “That’s not true.” She says the words, but there isn’t a lot of conviction behind it.

  “Isn’t it? Isn’t that exactly what’s going on now? What you did in the past? What you do in every relationship you’ve ever been in?” He steps closer, reaching out to her slowly. It’s like he’s spinning a magical spell, his voice, his movements, his actions, but it’s just his years of control over her hooking back into her mind, years of these same words breaking her over and over again.

  “No.” Her eyes dart over to me, to the guys, her lower lip trembling.

  “No? You won’t leave them? You won’t use them until you don’t need them anymore?” He steps even closer and he nearly touches her. “You actually love them? You’d never hurt them?”

  She flinches at his words, because yeah, she just left us, she ran away again.

  Noah uses her quietness. “You’ll just keep hurting them. We’re better off together, at least we know what we’re like. You won’t really hurt me like you’ll hurt them.”

  Mia looks at me, her eyes so vulnerable, then she looks at the other guys, and something breaks in her. Something he said went through and reached a place in her where she can’t let things like this happen. “No. That’s not true.” She looks at Noah, shaking her head. “That’s not true. I love them. I’ve always loved them. I’d... I’d do anything for them.”

  Noah seems as surprised by this as I feel, this new fight in her. “Really? Then why were you with me, if you loved them so much? Did you just play with me? Was I just a toy for you?” He’s trying to get his control over her back, but he’s losing it, and fast too.

  “Never. I...” She steps back, shaking her head. “I loved you. But...” She takes a breath, finally straightening up again. “But you never loved me. You’re the one who has been using me. You don’t care for anyone but yourself. I’m done. I’m done with you.” She meets his eyes straight on, a fire in them I’ve not seen in a long time. This is the Mia I love, this girl, this defiant and strong girl, this is the girl I fell in love with. This is the girl I remember from when we were teens, when she still felt like she could handle the world.

  “Are you sure? Are you sure that’s the right idea? Are you sure that you can just say those things about me? What would our friends think?” Noah is scrambling to try and get her back.

  “I don’t care about ‘our’ friends. They hate me anyway, because of your lies, because of the things you’ve told them.” She looks at me again, her jaw set, her eyes serious. “Just grab whatever you’ve already got. I’m done here. Whatever is left behind is left behind.”

  I nod. “Can do.” I look over to the other guys. “Grab those last boxes. Let’s go. We can replace the rest.”

  “Okay.” Tom nods, and the three guys go back inside, dashing up the stairs.

  I hope this is a good idea, staying out here with Mia and Noah, but I don’t think there’s anything else I can do now. I can’t leave her alone and I can’t take her with us upstairs.

  Noah is glaring at us, like he’s trying to come up with something to say, and he opens his mouth a couple of times, before closing it.

  Then Mia takes a couple of keys from her keychain. “These are for you. I’ll change the name on all the bills and everything to yours. I’ll leave your life. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m gone.”

  I don’t think he’s really worried about her, more that he’s really angry that she’s leaving him, that he’s lost his grasp on her. As soon as the other guys are back, they pack the boxes into the back of the truck and then we all pile into the car.

  Noah looks like he’s about to say something, but then closes his mouth when he gets four really angry glares his way. Good.

  This went mostly fine, with just a minimal scene at the end, now for the rest of the evening...

  We drive into Mia’s parents’ street, and I park in front of the building. My parents’ place is right across the street and I can see that their lights are still on. They’re probably watching TV, from the way there are flickering lights in the living room.

  “What now?” Mia is sitting in the back, between Dylan and Mal. “What are your plans now?”

  I look at the guys, wishing I could just take her with us, but this has to be her choice, she needs to want to come with us, or this will keep repeating. “The plan was to drop your things off at your parents’ place, and for us to go back to the coast.”

  “Just like that?” She blinks at me. “You’re suddenly here, and then gone again? Why?”

  “Because we love you.” Tom also turns to the back. “Because there’s nothing else we can do. So we have to go back, on our own.”

  She looks down, her hands tightening in her jacket. “I... I’m sorry. I can’t... I can’t keep hurting people and making their lives more complicated. I can’t do that. So...”

  “Life is complicated.” Mal reaches out, taking her hand carefully. “Life is going to be full of struggles, no matter what we choose to do. But isn’t it better to live your life in a way that makes you happy than trying to live a lie? Isn’t that what you told me, years ago?”

  She slowly nods. “But that’s different. That’s different. That... That never hurt other people. I do. I hurt you when I’m there.”

  “No.” Mal kisses her hand. “No, you don’t. Any choices we’ve made are our own, even our bad ones. You don’t hurt people. Everyone makes their own stupid choices, and the fallout of those choices are not yours to hurt over. It’s not your pain, or your struggle, they’re ours.”

  She looks up at me, eyes full of tears. “That’s... No. What I... What I did...”

  “Mal is right.” I reach back to her, covering the hand Mal is holding with my own. “What we did was on us. We did it together. All the choices we made after, we also made together. It’s not just your pain to carry. Your pregnancy, Oliver, giving him up. We made those choices together. That’s not on you. I’ve never blamed you for anything. This was always our struggle to face, both of us together. Me and you, together.”

  She starts trembling, her whole body moving, and I hear the pained sound she makes. “No. I just... No.” Then she moves to the side, pushing at Mal. “I need to go inside. Thank you for picking everything up, but I need to go inside. I’m sorry.”

  My heart sinks. How do I keep having hope that she’ll come back, even when I know that she won’t? It’s going to take a while longer before she’ll acce
pt us, before she can come back to us. “We’ll help you carry everything inside the house. We need to talk to your parents anyway.”

  “What? Why?” She frowns as she looks at me, but I just shrug.

  “Just something I need to talk to them about.” I get out of the car before she can try to get more from me. It’s better if she doesn’t know about our plan yet, that way she can’t get angry with us before we even get to her parents.

  I grab one of the boxes from the back of the truck, and then walk up to the building, squishing the box between me and the wall as I blindly find the bell for Mia’s parents’ place. I’ve rung it a thousand times since I met Mia, but this is the most nervous I’ve been while ringing it.

  No, there was one time I was more nervous... When we were going to tell her parents about her being pregnant. Let’s just hope they take this news better than they did that news...

  12

  Mia

  I have no idea what the guys are up to. First, they go over to Noah’s house, pick up my things, and then they suddenly want to talk to my parents? What’s up with that?

  I wait until the guys have all grabbed a box and are on their way to the building, before I find a lighter box and follow them. I should probably help out, since it’s my stuff and all...

  When I get to the apartment, Jake is already standing in the living room, chatting to my parents. They seem to be happy enough to see him, asking how he’s doing with his research and everything, and I feel like I’m behind again, I feel like I’ve failed them all over again. They wanted a kid like Jake, not someone like me. Not someone who can’t make their dreams come true.

  I’m about to take the box I’m holding to my room, when Jake speaks up. “Mia, wait. I think it’s a good idea if you’re here for this.”

  “For what?” I turn to him, and then realise how thoughtful the other three look, how serious.

  Jake turns to my Dad, straightening his shoulders, looking much more grownup. “We want to buy your mother’s house. Mia told us that you’re going to sell it. We want to buy it.”

  “What?” I stare at him. “No. No way!” Then I look at the other guys, but they don’t seem to be surprised by Jake’s words. “This has to be a joke. Tell me you’re joking.” They can’t do this. They can’t.

  Tom shakes his head slowly, stepping forward, stepping next to Jake. “We’d like to buy it. It’s a beautiful house that holds many precious memories for us, and we don’t want it to go to strangers who don’t understand that.”

  “All four of you?” Dad frowns. “You want to buy it together? You’re just kids. Do you even have the money for it?”

  “I do. I can sell off my house, that should be enough to cover the costs.” Tom nods. “Dylan’s got a full-time job, and Jake will also have a job soon, as you know.”

  “No.” I shake my head. Too surprised and not sure I’m really hearing what I think I’m hearing. “You can’t do that. You can’t buy it. You can’t.”

  “Why not?” Jake turns to me and fucking hell, that look in his eyes... “Why can’t we?” He looks part angry but also part upset, broken, and my heart aches.

  They can’t do it because I’m not there. Because I’m not there with them. I don’t want them to be living at the house when I’m not. “Just not. No. End of discussion.” I turn around and go to my room, slamming the door closed behind me, before I curl up on my bed.

  They can’t do it.

  If they buy the house... What place do I still have in their lives? They’ll be able to move on with their lives on their own. They’ll forget all about me, and no matter how much I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s good if they forget about me, I know it’s not true. I don’t want them to forget about me. I don’t want them to move on without me. I want to be there with them. I want to be at their side. I don’t... No.

  Someone knocks on my door.

  “Go away.” I glare at the door. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t care if I’m acting like a little kid. They can’t spring this on me. They can’t spring this on me and expect me not to be upset by it.

  “I just wanted to say goodbye. The road back to the coast is long and they’re expecting bad weather later, so we can’t stay too late.” It’s Tom, always patient Tom... How can he sound so calm?

  “Come on in.” I can’t send him away. I can’t tell him to go away, because I really don’t want him to. I want to keep him here, with me, forever, never letting any of them go again.

  He slowly opens the door and the chatter from the living room spills inside. I can hear Mal talk and then Mum replies, their voices steady, like they didn’t just ask something ridiculous of them. Then Tom closes the door behind him, looking around my room with a slight smile, before he kneels in front of the bed, looking at me with those soft eyes. “You have a lovely room.”

  “It’s the same as it was when I was a teen, not much changed.” I shrug. I’m not going to have silly chit-chat with him, I’m not letting him distract me like that, still too much fight in me. “Why would you sell your house, just to buy a place that’s falling apart when you look at it?”

  “Because of the people I’ll be sharing it with.” His voice is warm and he reaches out, sliding his hand along my cheek. “My house is not a home, it’s just a place to live. I’ve not felt at home there in years. I felt more at home when we were all together in your Grandma’s place than I have in a long time and I don’t want to let go of that. I don’t want to let go of you, of the love we shared.” His voice is starting to wobble.

  I open my mouth, wanting to reply but my throat is all closed up and my eyes fill with tears. “Why?”

  “Because I love you. We all love you. It’s not the same without you there. I want you back. I need you at my side, at our side.” I’ve not seen him this vulnerable in a long time, this honest, and this open about his feelings.

  “But I...” I’ll only make things more complicated when I’m there.

  “You don’t have to choose right now. I just wanted to tell you this. We’ll be there for you, waiting, if you decide to join us. Not because of any ulterior motive, but just because we love you. We’re all broken. We’re far from perfect. But we love you and we want to share our lives with you. That’s all. Goodnight.” His voice gives out at the end and he stands up, leaving the bedroom without another word.

  The voices in the living room get louder for a couple of moments, and then they totally quiet down. Everyone leaving the apartment.

  No. No!

  I scramble out of bed, rushing out of my room, but the apartment is totally silent. I dart out the front door, down the stairs, almost losing my footing a couple of times.

  No. I can’t let them leave.

  No.

  Jake, Dylan, Mal and Tom are already back in the car, the engine already running, my parents standing nearby, exchanging some final words.

  I run to the car. I’m not wearing any shoes or anything like that, walking on socks down the stone path. “Don’t leave.” I reach the car, grabbing hold of the door. “Please, don’t leave. Not yet. I need to come with you.” They can’t leave me behind.

  Tom was right. Nothing matters but how much I love them, and I can’t turn my back on them. I need them. I need them in my life, because it’s not filled with love and joy when I’m not with them. Life is bleak and grey when I don’t have them at my side.

  I can’t let them go and leave me behind, because I need to be with them. I need them.

  I love them and I need them.

  The ride back to the coast isn’t exactly comfortable. The back of the truck isn’t really the right size for three adults, and especially not three adults with a couple of bags... We couldn’t put the bags in the back, since it started raining just as we were packing.

  But we’re on our way back. We’re all on our way back, and I’m with them.

  I just want to sleep. Now I’ve got them back, I just want to sleep and nothing else. I just want to be with them and sleep
, because I feel like I haven’t slept in ages, though, it’s more like a week. Right now, that feels like ages.

  Dylan plays with my hair, sliding his fingers through it. “I’m so glad you’re here. It’s not the same without you.”

  I don’t know how to answer him. These feelings are still too strong. There is still a part of me that is yelling at myself that this is the worst idea in the world, that it will ruin everything, that this will make things worse, that this will only make our lives much, much worse. But then, how can it? How can us living together in love make anything worse than it already is?

  It’s better to live your life surrounded by love and caring, people where you can be your real self, than it is to live your life in a lie while shutting out the people you really love. Grandma used to tell me that, even though I never listened to her, because I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing. I’m still not sure that this is the right idea, but I guess it’s better to make mistakes together than it is to make them on my own. It’s better to do them together than to be alone in everything.

  “Whose plan was it to buy the house?” I lean closer to him, putting my head on his shoulder, needing to feel him more.

  He lets out a low laugh. “I think we all came up with it on our own. It wasn’t until later that we realised we were all thinking about the same things, that we wanted the same things.”

  “Which was?”

  “Living together with the people we love, with our own family. It just took us a while to realise who that family consisted of.” He kisses the side of my head.

  I’m not so sure about his words, but I guess it makes sense. These guys are like that, every one of them is. And maybe they’re right, maybe it will be better if we’re all together, even when it would be strange and people could look at us weirdly for it.