Resurrection

by Katherine Macdonald

  “I was actually going to go hunting. We’re a bit short on food.”

  “Right, of course.”

  “And then I was going to see if I could scrounge up some more clothes. Turns out my identical twin brother is not actually the same size as me.”

  “We’re identical?” Mi gasps. “I am shocked. Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

  Gabe blinks. “I’m not sure that’s as funny as you think it is.”

  “Oh, it’s hilarious!” Ben says, re-emerging from his makeshift room. “I think you’re funny, Mi.”

  “Thank you, child of ours. Shall we all head off together?”

  It only takes me a couple of minutes to pull on some clothes. Abi attempts to brush my hair on our way out. It’s a short, thick, tangled mess at the moment. I’m tempted to hack it all off and start again, but I suspect a good long bath is probably the first port of call. I don’t really want to lose it; I strangely missed it after the fire.

  Later, I’ll have a soak, and I’ll put anything in it that Abi suggests.

  I lend my bow and best hunting knife to Gabe, privately wishing I was going with him. I’d liked the idea of showing him the woods when we returned, but truth be told I’m not fit for a hike at the moment, and I sense he wants to explore. He has never been this free before. The very wind feels different. The first time I went out there alone, I thought I'd float away without a timescale to adhere to, an order to follow. I was dust in the breeze, as loose and insubstantial as mist. I would not deny him that feeling for anything.

  He splits from us once we’re outside the building, the rest of us continuing towards the centre. The newly-built school is our next stop, and then Mi heads off for the Infirmary. Abi and I continue towards HQ together, keeping out of the way of the guards.

  “How bad is it? With the guard presence?”

  Abi shrugs. “Fine, as long as you keep your head down. We’ve had to tighten security a bit.”

  She points to an old man, knitting in the shade, and taps her ear. I focus my gaze; he’s wearing an earpiece. I become conscious of another presence too; someone on the roof, watching us enter the building. There’s a glint of a gun.

  “Haven’t had to use it yet, but it’s best to take precautions.”

  We continue down into the secret tunnel. I haven’t really said much to Abi since my return, or at least, less to her than Ben and Mi. “How have you been?” I ask.

  “I felt very guilty for a long while about leading you into the Institute,” she admits. “The plan was mostly mine. I knew the odds of your survival were not as high as mine were. I also knew it was your choice, and you wouldn’t want me to feel guilty.”

  I’ve missed her matter-of-factness. Other people might ignore the question, say they were fine, or yell at the person for leaving them. Not Abi. She always says it exactly how it is.

  “Good. Not too much wallowing then?”

  “I would say the right amount occured.”

  For most people, that remark might be a joke, but I wonder if Abi has an algorithm for working out the optimal time for grief, the “right way” to deal with bereavement.

  I wonder how long I’m supposed to take, and am grateful she cannot read my mind.

  “Hey, Abs?”

  “Yes?”

  “What are the chances of me running into Nick while I’m here?”

  She swallows. “Low, if you only want to talk to Rudy and don’t stay long. Any longer…”

  “Right.”

  “Do you want me to speak to him and let him know to give you space? He may not know it’s the acceptable social protocol–”

  I do not know what I want. Of course I want to see him. I want to see the Nick I remember, but if I can’t have that, is a glance at this faint imitation enough? I remember his eyes from before. The memory cuts as finely as glass. No, I can’t see that. Not again. Not yet. Not ever.

  “Please,” I say.

  She nods, and we enter the main building together. It takes me a while to get to Rudy’s. There are still people coming up to greet me, wishing me well, kids eager for the story of my triumphant survival, a story I’m not eager to share. I have to brush them away with promises of “later”.

  Abi walks me to the door of Rudy’s study.

  “If you need me, you know where I’ll be,” she says.

  I knock twice, and wait for his permissive grunt. He’s bent over his hologram of the city, as usual, but looks up when I enter. His mouth twitches, just a fraction.

  “Ah, Ashe. I wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon, or… at all.”

  “What? You think a little thing like a broken heart would stop me? I’m tougher than that.”

  “No one’s tougher than that,” says Rudy, with uncharacteristic sentimentality. I blink at him in response. “But… if you wish to keep busy…”

  “More than anything,” I whisper. “I should… I should probably ease myself back in. Nothing too risky. Need to make sure I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

  “Noted.”

  “And… Ben can’t know. As far as he’s concerned, I’m just a runner. I wouldn’t even tell Abi or Mi, but I think they’d notice.”

  “Understandable.” He folds his arms. “I’m not sure it’s wise to make you the face of Phoenix again. Announcing your triumphant return might… bring the wrong kind of attention.”

  “Send up a signal flare, you mean.”

  He nods. “Family relations aside, I’m surprised you returned to the city. Have you considered re-location? I have contacts in other cities–”

  “So keen to get rid of me?”

  “Keen to keep you safe.”

  “Touching.”

  “I was thinking more of Mi.”

  I smile wryly. I’ve never shared a joke with Rudy before, but his slightly weird, one-sided crush on Mi amuses me.

  “Thanks for the concern, but I think my place is here right now. I didn’t escape just to go back to hiding. I did that for five years. Kinda sucked.”

  Rudy fixes me with a knowing look. “If you’re sure. I’ll line something up. I’d like you to get a psych test from Julia before I send you out anywhere.”

  I roll my eyes. I can lie my way out of anything, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy the pretence. “Sure,” I say. “Probably smart.”

  “In the meantime, I’ve got something for you to do that won’t even involve you leaving the base.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Train our new recruits. I’ve got three young chimeras here with no idea what to do with them, and a bunch of others who would be glad for the instruction.”

  “Three?” I’d hoped some of the chimeras I rescued would come back here, but I’d not been told before.

  Rudy nods. “Most split off as soon as we were free of the base. Dangerous to have too many in one place. Some stayed for a while before heading out with their units.”

  “Sia–”

  “One of the first to go. Took quite a few with her though.”

  It doesn’t surprise me. I wonder if she’s still looking for her lost sister, if she has any plans to try again. Five years of waiting, only to fail. I hope her other sister was one of the ones that escaped.

  “I know you might feel, at the moment, like you failed,” Rudy carries on, “but you saved forty-six people, that day. If you ever wonder whether or not it was worth it, it was.”

  “Sure. Thanks for the pep talk, Captain.” I give him a mock salute.

  “I’ll round the chimeras. But Julia first.”

  “Yes sir.”

  Eager to get that part over and done with, I head straight there. She double-checks my injuries, approves of Mi’s work, and asks me a bunch of questions that I lie my way through.

  “I can only help you if you’re honest, Ashe.”

  “Doc, I’m a soldier. We’re trained to deal with all sorts of… crap.”

  “I know what they did to you in that place,” she says painfully. “It would be all right not to be normal,
after all of that.”

  I shrug. “Normal is subjective. Besides, we got Gabe back. Didn’t you hear?”

  At this, Julia smiles. I think it goes a long way to assuring her that I’m more-or-less-OK. I have cause to celebrate, to be thankful. Mi must have told her about him, because she suddenly brightens.

  “I did hear. How absolutely wonderful for you. I’ve yet to see him–”

  “So’s Mi.”

  Julia pulls a face.

  “Sorry, after a while of his terrible jokes, they start to rub off on you.”

  “Is he going to join our ranks?”

  “I don’t know. I think he needs to adjust, first.”

  “Take it slow, good.” She places a hand on my shoulder. “I’m here if you need anything. Anything. Any of you.”

  “Thanks, Doc, but I’m all good. Mostly good.” I flex my fingers, still in their splint. “Reckon I’m OK to train some chimeras? I promise I’ll take it easy.”

  She nods, and I’m dismissed.

  Chapter 33

  Scarlet is assigned to help me train the others. She’s trained regular kids before, but she’s been struggling with the chimeras. They’re already excellent fighters and incredibly disciplined, but they are not used to thinking for themselves and she has no idea how to challenge them.

  They’re young. I should have expected this. The older ones, of course, opted to go it alone. Most stuck with their units or went with Sia to her base outside the city of Auros. These are the leftovers, the ones who made it out without their comrades, or who, for whatever reason, didn’t want to follow. They might be even younger than they look, if they were made like Eva.

  Joni is the youngest. He looks about ten. He’d make a perfect sparring partner for Ben, and it comes as no surprise to me to learn that the two have already met and become the bestest of buddies.

  Bullet is about twelve or thirteen. I don’t recognise him at first, but I have some dim memory of him when he starts to run. He is as fast as his namesake. He was part of the old Echo unit. We had another name for him: Flash.

  Lili is the last of the group. I remember her. She’s a computer, but just as keen as Abi to do something other than that. She is neither as strong or as fast as the others, although still above the average human. I set them up with some standard puzzle-solving, team-building activities at first, to test their general skill sets and their ability to work together. It takes them far too long to work it out, as each of them still seems to want to “win” by themselves; an Institute-bred mentality that needs to be stamped out. We were all too close to our units. We were rarely ever given the chance to work with others. Here, you need to be ready to work with anyone.

  Anyone.

  I didn’t tell Rudy not to put me with Nick for any missions when I was cleared for active duty, but surely he wouldn’t do that? He knows what the social protocol is...

  Ben comes by after school, and I sort the group into pairs. I dislike the idea of actively training him for missions, but I can’t come up with a plausible excuse for asking him to sit out, and he should, at very least, hone his skills. We’ve never taught him as well as we should have done because we didn’t want to give him the excuse to get into trouble. Trouble, unfortunately, usually finds us.

  I dismiss them all for some free time before dinner and head to the showers myself. I haven’t worked up much of a sweat, but I haven’t had a proper scrub since my return and they have hot showers, and, occasionally, actual shampoo.

  I head to the shower room, source some towels, and am halfway through undressing when Pilot walks into the room.

  “Ah,” he says, stopping shortly, “you.”

  Pilot may be one of Nick’s closest friends, but he’s never liked me. It might have something to do with the fact that I choked him into unconsciousness the first time we met. You’d have thought he’d be over that by now.

  I give him a mock bow. “Nice to see you too, Pilot.”

  “I’m surprised to see you here.”

  “Superheroes sweat too.”

  He purses his lips, looking like he’s swallowed something sour. “You’re no superhero.”

  I sigh. “Are you still bummed about that time I spiked your drink with laxative?”

  “I… wait, that was you?”

  “Well, technically…” It was Mi, but it occurs to me that Pilot probably likes Mi –everyone does– and I don’t want to take that from him. “Sure, that was me.”

  Pilot eyes narrow, and he barges past me to the first empty cubicle, catching me as he does so. He isn’t remotely flushed by the contact with my naked skin. In fact, the entire time we spoke, his eyes never looked at anything other than mine.

  “You… you’re not into girls, are you?”

  “Maybe I’m just not into you.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Yeah, I get that, and it’s probably smart from your perspective, but most straight guys who have not been raised in a secret government lab would still be a little bit flustered by my nakedness.”

  “So I’m gay. Big deal. Not a secret.”

  “But the fact you’re in love with Nick is.”

  Pilot bristles. I wait for him to deny it.

  “Don’t… don’t tell him,” he says eventually. His voice is tight. “Especially not when he’s like this. Or never. Don’t ever let him know. It’s not fair to him. It’s not his fault he could never feel–”

  Those words send a pulse of anger through me. “It’s his fault now.”

  “You don’t know what it was like for him.”

  “Don’t. Don’t make excuses for him. Don’t place his decisions on me. You don’t think I was trying to get out of that place every single goddamn day? You don’t think I suffered just as much as he did?”

  “I didn’t mean–”

  “This is not my fault.”

  “I–” Pilot falters.

  “It’s not yours, either.”

  “What?”

  “Just in case you ever lie awake at night wondering if you could have done something differently.” I know I do. It’s not my fault, and I still wonder.

  “That’s… that’s.. that’s just ridiculous!”

  “Is it? My mistake.”

  “What the hell did Nick ever see in you?”

  “Trust me, I often ask that question myself.”

  Pilot looks like he might be sick. His breathing increases rapidly. But before he finds whatever words he’s looking for, he wheels around and barges into the cubicle. I wait a good few minutes before sliding into my own, not wanting to meet him again on the way out. I hear his heartbeat thumping under the water, his shame pulsing.

  I slip under the water myself. How ludicrous that Pilot, of all people, should come the closest to knowing how I feel right now. No wonder he hates me.

  For what seems like hours, I stand under the hot running water and fill the cubicle with steam. Half a dozen people come and go in that time. The water covers every inch of me, rubbing away all the dirt and gunk and the dried blood that Abi hadn’t managed to remove when she was looking after me. I lather my hair with soap. It’s divine. For a few, blissful moments, everything is right with the world. You really can wash your cares away.

  Finally though, I have to return to real life. I turn off the stream. There’s at least one other person in the room at the moment, so remembering that not everyone is as comfortable with nudity as I am, I wrap a towel around me and step out of the shower. At the same time, the person two cubicles down does the same.

  It's Nick.

  Shortly after we met, I came out of the shower in front of him. He became adorably flustered. There's nothing in his face now. He merely nods in my direction, and walks towards the bench where his clothes are waiting. The steam swirls about us, and I catch glimpses of pink patches of skin on his torso and arms. These are not from the shower. These are from when he tackled me after I accidentally set myself on fire. I forget that humans did not heal as well as we do. Will he have these scars forever? Will
he bear them until the end of his life, not remembering why he bore them?

  “You're staring at me,” he remarks.

  “Your scars,” I whisper, “do you remember how you got them?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you remember why?”

  “You were on fire. I had to put you out.”

  “Why? Why did you have to put me out?”

  Nick pulls a shirt on over the marks, shielding them from view. “There were a number of reasons. Some rational.”

  “You didn't want to see me hurt.”

  “That was one of them.”

  I take a step closer, my fingers hovering over his back. “I don't understand how you can remember that, and not feel anything.”

  “I could give you the scientific explanation, if you like.”

  The ache in my heart gives way to a hot burst of anger. I yank Nick's shoulder, twisting him round and crushing him up against the wall. My side splits at the action, but I ignore it.

  “We were nothing to do with science or rationality or anything. We just were. I don't want to hear why you're this way. I just want to not be like this any more! I'm back! You can stop this! You don't have to feel nothing any more!”

  I wait for him to say something. He doesn't.

  “Nick! Please! Come back,” the last words fall out of me, rushed and desperate and twisted. “Come back to me...”

  When I am met with stony silence once again, I start to hit him. I punch his chest, not caring how strong I am, not thinking about holding back, because I want to hurt him. I want him to feel. I want him to experience the pain inside of me.

  Nick makes no move to stop me, but when my punches get weaker, he slides away, grabbing the remains of his clothes and slipping out of the room. I stand there for a while longer, punching the wall where he was, until my legs give way underneath me and I slide towards the floor.

  That was the first time I touched him since we said goodbye.

  I should have stayed dead. Reality is worse than the nightmare.

  Chapter 34

  I can’t stay after that. I get out immediately, not even telling Abi or Ben where I’m going. I race back to the loft as quickly as my side will carry me. I don’t know what I hope to find there. Gabe, maybe, although releasing my heartbreak on him when I know the way he feels about me is hardly fair. But he’s not in. There’s no one in at all but the stupid goat on the roof–