The Throwaway Year

by Pace, Pepper

  “Hey Hayden.”

  She sat down across from him. “Hi Brian, how’s it going?”

  “Pretty good.” He picked up his pack of cigarettes and offered her one.

  She shook her head. “No thank you. I don’t smoke.”

  He took a last puff and then smashed it into the ashtray, turning his head to blow the smoke away from her. She opened one of the cartons of OJ and downed it hungrily. Her stomach groaned loudly and Brian gave her a shocked look.

  “Oh, I’m sorry! That was just my stomach!”

  He smiled in amusement. “Yeah, you’re hungry.”

  She shrugged but was happy to see him smiling. He always appeared so somber, and when he smiled it changed his face completely. He was too pale, too thin, but suddenly he was also kind of cute.

  “I didn’t have time for dinner,” she explained.

  “Orange juice for dinner?”

  “Well… I’m trying to eat healthy. So…”

  “Ah. Right. There is nothing healthy to be found in this room.”

  She opened the second carton but was a bit more ladylike as she took a small swallow. “I hear there’s going to be a big bonus in a few weeks. A thousand bucks,” she said.

  “They do it every month, or something close to it.”

  “I bet you’ve won it a few times.”

  He smiled and looked down. “No. I’ve only been doing sales for a few weeks.”

  She frowned at him, not believing what he was telling her. He knew too much about everything.

  He noticed her look. “Well, I’ve been with Fox for years but not telemarketing. I delivered the phonebook covers and…” his voice softened. “Sometimes I’d pick up the money from the customers or just… whatever needed to be done.”

  She was curious about Mr. Fox and why he came down so hard on Brian. However, Hayden had no intention of being nosey.

  “Do you like working here?”

  His eyes flitted away before settling back on her.

  “Not really.” He looked at the clock above the door. “I better get back.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  She followed him back to the work area, checking the board for sales as she headed to her desk. She slumped down into her chair and was trying to concentrate on the phonebook when she caught a movement in front of her desk. She looked up in time to see Brian heading back across the aisle to his own desk. She looked at him curiously before noticing that there was a big golden delicious apple on the corner of her desk sitting on top of her inbox.

  A smile tugged at her lips and when Brian sat down and looked at her she mouthed, “thank you.” He nodded and put the remainder of his bag lunch in one of his desk drawers. She picked up the apple and rubbed it on her pants before taking a big bite. She decided that she liked working at Fox Vinyl.

  Long after the apple was eaten, Hayden’s head was buried in the phonebook and she was lost in thought. Unfortunately, they weren’t work related thoughts. She hadn’t made a sale all night and she only had an hour left on her shift. She just couldn’t seem to get it together. Instead of seeing the businesses listed on the pages, she kept thinking thoughts that were best left buried.

  Like, what did that other woman look like; the one that MyKell preferred over her? Did he miss Hayden at all? Did he even think about her?

  She was struggling with these thoughts when she felt someone standing in front of her desk. She looked up to the sight of Marcus. He was smiling at her.

  “I was just checking that you hadn’t fallen asleep sitting there. You’ve been looking at that same page for five minutes.”

  How would he know unless he was watching her for five minutes? She offered him a weak smile and then returned to the phonebook, making a point to turn the page. When he didn’t leave she looked up again.

  He leaned down and spoke in a semi-low voice. “Look, I don’t mean any disrespect but you look very down and if you need a pick me up, you just let me know. I have pills or weed or whatever, okay?”

  “Oh.” Her eyes widened. “Okay…”

  He winked and walked away.

  Her brow furrowed. Good God, what was she going to do about this man trying to push drugs on her? She didn’t want to have to deal with this every freaking day, especially with everything else that she was dealing with. She closed her eyes and tried to think of one of the affirmations that she had saved on her laptop, but she could not bring even one of them to mind.

  ~Chapter7~

  PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

  Hayden had given into her tears as she lay curled in bed later that night, calling them for what they were; tears of loneliness and shame. She was ashamed that she still loved MyKell and disgusted that she wanted him to beg her for forgiveness. She would forgive him too because living with her weakness was far better than the feeling of rejection that lay curdling inside of her belly.

  She blinked her eyes and sat up in bed. No, that wasn’t really true. She would not take MyKell Juarez back. She sat frozen as she analyzed and found that to be a definitive fact.

  If he even put his hands on her now, she would hurl and the idea of him inside of her body was beyond disgusting. Hayden’s heart leapt in excitement as she realized that this was the truest feeling that she had experienced all day. She turned on her lamp as she counted all of the things that she despised about her ex. The list was much longer than the things that she liked about him.

  She huffed, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. He was a cheap man who had no problems having her take care of him. Him finding someone else was probably a blessing because now he was someone else’s problem. Besides, she hadn’t felt any sense of respect for the man in years. She couldn’t even pinpoint the exact moment that she had stopped taking pride in him and had internalized her dislike of him.

  Oh my God… she didn’t like MyKell and hadn’t liked him in years. Hayden cradled her face in her hands. Things hadn’t been right for a long time… MyKell knew it and now she could admit it too.

  Hayden jumped out of bed, not even sure what time it was, only knowing that it was late and that she should be asleep. Yet she wouldn’t be able to do that until she got on her laptop and found something that she had read in her list of affirmations. In this moment of her life, there was nothing truer than those words…

  When she found it, she read the words over and over until she had it burned into her memory. Perhaps this was her motto. It definitely was not a momentary inspiration, but rather, a lifetime lesson.

  Hayden closed her laptop and then returned to bed a much calmer woman. When she drifted into a peaceful sleep a short time later, it was carried on the wings of a dream that included a golden delicious apple. The next morning Hayden wrote her newest affirmation in black magic marker across the top of her calendar instead of in the usual note area in back.

  I am perfectly imperfect. I strive for better while loving all that I am today. In loving myself today, I am better equipped to improve myself tomorrow.

  Hayden smiled and nodded and then headed for the gym. Today she would do the intervals even though Todd hadn’t told her to. She knew that she could do it because if she set her mind to it, she could do anything.

  ~***~

  When Hayden walked to her desk at her second job, she saw that the board was empty and that there was a new phonebook sitting there. Again she was excited and motivated to make a fresh start in a new book. She greeted Brian with a quick wave and he tilted his head in acknowledgment. Then she looked over at Abdullah and when he met her eyes, she gave him a silent greeting mimicking the head move that Brian had given her.

  Abdullah gave the head move back and although she didn’t want to open the lines of communication with Marcus, she did the same thing to him, which he returned with a flourished bow and wink. Pam wouldn’t even look in her direction, so she did not receive a greeting at all. By the end of the night, Hayden had two sales! She decided that she liked the city of Springfield, Illinois.

  When Brian went up to the boa
rd to add his initials, he gave Hayden an impressed look.

  “High five Hayden!” He raised his hand at her and she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to high five back or just laugh at him. White people were the only ones who still did high fives. She smacked his hand.

  “Thanks for that apple yesterday. It hit the spot.”

  “Well you’re looking less hungry. I mean… uh, I didn’t mean anything by that,” he stammered appearing flustered.

  “It’s okay.” She knew that she was overweight and had never been easily offended over it. Perhaps she should have cared more and then she wouldn’t be throwing away an entire year to get herself together.

  They were chatting about the Springfield area when Pam abruptly cleared her throat. They looked over and saw that Mr. Fox was heading for them. Brian stared at him while Hayden moved to her phonebook and began speaking loudly.

  “Thank you Brian. I understand now. You have been so helpful and have made it so easy to understand.” Okay, so maybe she was overdoing it, but she wanted Mr. Fox to know that Brian was helping her to be a better salesperson.

  “Hello Hayden,” he said.

  “Hi Mr. Fox.”

  The man’s attention turned to Brian. “I need to see you in my office,” and then he abruptly turned away.

  Brian didn’t immediately follow, but Hayden saw his body stiffen as if in resolve. He raised his brow at her and gave her a crooked smile.

  “The boss calls,” and then he disappeared into Mr. Fox’s office.

  At the end of her shift, Hayden knew that she shouldn’t linger but Brian was still in Mr. Fox’s office and it was pissing her off even though she didn’t hear any yelling. Still, the man was taking him from his calls—causing him to be unproductive. It was obvious that Brian didn’t enjoy working for his company. She decided that she would be nosey. In fact, she intended to be very nosey.

  She waited outside in front of the plate glass door pretending to dig through her purse but peeking inside for any sight of Brian or Mr. Fox. Marcus came out and gave her a goodbye salute.

  “Hey Marcus!”

  “Yes young lady? How may I assist you?” he asked in a mock-baritone voice.

  “Can I ask you something?” She gestured for him to follow her a few steps from the entrance so they wouldn’t be overheard.

  “Sure. What’s up?” He had stopped clowning and was giving her a serious look now.

  The door swung open and Brian came out. When he saw Hayden and Marcus he did a double take and then nodded in their direction before walking quickly to his vehicle.

  A moment later, Mr. Fox came out. He waved at them.

  “Goodnight you two.”

  “Have a good evening,” Marcus called back and then gave Hayden a knowing look.

  Oh damn! Now Marcus probably thought she wanted to purchase drugs from him. Well she would just have to settle that situation as well.

  When the coast was clear, she looked at Marcus again. “I was curious about something. What’s the deal between Mr. Fox and Brian?”

  Marcus just looked at her in confusion as if the meaning of her words had escaped him. “What do you mean?”

  “Well Mr. Fox is kind of an asshole. He yells at Brian-”

  “Fox is the asshole?” Marcus’ brow shot up. “No baby girl, Brian is the asshole.”

  Brian? What was he talking about? Brian didn’t cut up, he didn’t have an ego, and he was polite to everyone. Marcus placed a hand on her shoulder and she glanced at it in displeasure but didn’t otherwise react.

  “Let me explain something. Brian is an addict. I mean, I know that I come in here high as shit but that’s weed or some pills. Hell, if I didn’t come in here high I would go the fuck off on one of these silly mother fuckers over the phone.” He chuckled and leaned in and spoke in a conspiratory tone. “And to be honest, I have told a few of these hillbillies to go to hell.”

  Hayden just stared at him.

  “Yeah, well I don’t mess with heroin… I might sniff some coke, but I don’t shoot up. Anyway, Brian got himself hooked on heroin and shit started turning up missing. Phonebook covers weren’t been distributed but he acted like he was delivering that shit. Then customers started complaining, threatening to sue because they were paying to advertise on vinyl that wasn’t going further than the ten copies being sent to the buyer!

  “So when Fox looked into it, he found out that Brian was doing hella shit like collecting money but saying the customer had ‘dead-beated.’ That’s mail fraud and when you get into mail and wire fraud that kind of thing brings mandatory prison sentences. Federal prison, which ain’t no joke.”

  “Wait a minute, Marcus,” Hayden said in disbelief. “Why would Mr. Fox keep a drug addict and thief around?”

  Marcus gave her a surprised look. “Brian Fox. Uh, you didn’t know that he’s the boss’ son?”

  After a stunned moment, Hayden simply shook her head.

  Marcus pulled out a cigarette and lit up. “Well, there was a big trial over it and it practically wiped out Fox Vinyl. The only reason that Brian didn’t go to jail is because of burden of proof. Fox didn’t have to prove that he distributed thirty-thousand covers… they had to prove that he didn’t.”

  Hayden was shaking her head, still staring at Marcus as if he had just told her that a cow was seen jumping over the moon.

  “But Marcus… why would Mr. Fox let him come back here? I mean-”

  “Because Fox is a good guy; a stupid guy, but a good guy. I would have kicked that spoiled little mother fucker’s ass. You don’t steal from your own father. You don’t shit where you eat.”

  Hayden’s nose wrinkled at his choice of words.

  “Brian went to rehab.” Marcus laughed. “Do you know anybody that’s ever gone to rehab and stayed clean? Rehab is a fucking joke. You do it when you get busted and as soon as you get out, you’re right back shooting, or huffing or snorting.

  “Fox makes him pee in a cup. He said the first time it comes back dirty he’s going to cut the kid off—permanently this time. No money. No Fox Vinyl to run when the old man dies. Nothing.”

  Hayden shook her head sadly. “I had no idea.”

  Marcus gave her a look as if she was pretty dumb. “You don’t know what a heroin addict looks like? Why do you think Brian wears long-sleeved shirts in summer? Fox don’t keep it that cool in here!”

  Hayden ran her hand though her hair. “Uh Marcus, thanks for the information. I better head out. See you tomorrow.” She turned for her car.

  “Hey! You know if you need anything, just let me know.”

  Hayden stopped walking and turned around. “Marcus, I understand. You’ve made it really clear, okay?”

  He chuckled. “Yeah. See you tomorrow baby girl.” He began whistling as he headed for his own car.

  Hayden felt horrible at the information that she’d just learned. Brian was a heroin addict who had stolen from his father. Damn, she was a great judge of character.

  ~Chapter 8~

  HOW TO TREAT A FRIEND

  Early Saturday morning, Hayden arrived at Sharon Woods Park before Todd. He had warned her that today they would jog and she was both anxious and nervous. Other than what she did on the treadmill, Hayden had not run since she’d been a child. Images of twisted ankles and falling on her face filled her mind.

  His son was coming along and hopefully it would take some of the focus off her. Hayden got out of her car when Todd’s truck pulled up alongside of her car. He was apologizing.

  “Sorry we’re late. Somebody thought they were going out in public with their pants sagging.”

  Hayden stared at the boy that sheepishly stepped from the passenger side of the truck. He was Black. Todd’s son was Black? Hayden quickly wiped the surprised look from her face and greeted the boy.

  “Hi Kevin. Nice to meet you.”

  “Kevin this is Miss Michaels.”

  “Hi Miss Michaels,” came his polite response.

  Todd put his arm on the boy’s sho
ulder and it was obvious that Kevin enjoyed the attention. He was cute, probably ten or eleven and was dressed in cargo shorts and a South Park t-shirt.

  “Okay, we’re going to warm up with five minutes of fast walking and then we’ll start a slow jog. Are we ready team?” He clapped his hands and Kevin nodded enthusiastically.

  “I’m ready to run,” Kevin announced. “I don’t need to walk.”

  Todd shook his head as they headed across the street to the trail. “No, Kev. Didn’t anybody ever tell you that you have to walk before you run?”

  Kevin looked at him suspiciously. “No.”

  “Well, you do.”

  Hayden took in their interaction. So Todd’s wife was African-American? He had never even hinted to it! She found it very telling that Todd didn’t even think in terms of his family’s color enough to even mention it casually. If it was possible, she found that she liked Todd even more now…

  It turned out that there was something about jogging that was comfortable and rhythmic. Hayden didn’t discover this until she had hit the proverbial ‘wall’ and was seeking her second wind. Kevin ran like a kid with boundless energy. Todd jogged as if he was just walking. Yet for Hayden, jogging wasn’t as much running as it was stumbling, panting and gripping the sharp knife-like pain in her side.

  When she thought that she would have to give up and lay down in the dirt, Hayden’s lungs suddenly opened. She gulped air into her starving lungs and as dopamine began to flood her system, she felt herself moving a bit faster and smoother. When she caught up with Todd he looked at her with approval. They jogged at a steady pace until they reached a hill that finally stopped her. She planted her hands on her legs and tried to catch her breath.

  Todd jogged back to her. “Keep walking or you’ll stiffen.” She did as he advised and a moment later began jogging again; albeit much slower, but this time she didn’t stop until she reached the top of the hill.