You Know You Love Me

by Cecily von Ziegesar

  She closed her eyes. Her whole body felt tingly. Nate’s head was warm, and he smelled like pine needles.

  “Jennifer,” Nate murmured sleepily. He lifted his head and shook his honey gold hair. “This feels nice.” His eyes roamed around her face, finally settling on her lips.

  Jenny giggled. He was definitely about to kiss her.

  “Yo, Archibald!” somebody shouted. “Save some for us!”

  Whoa. Seriously bad timing.

  Jenny and Nate both turned to see Anthony, Jeremy, and Charlie loping across the grass. Jeremy was carrying a soccer ball. Nate stood up quickly, backing away from Jenny.

  “Hey,” he greeted his friends casually. “You made it.”

  “Hey guys,” Jenny said, standing up slowly and brushing the stray bits of grass from her school uniform. She wished they hadn’t come.

  “So are you going to roll us up a big fattie or what?” Anthony said, nodding at the plastic bag hanging out of Nate’s pocket.

  Nate shook his head. “I’m already baked like a loaf of bread, man,” he lied. He pulled the bag out of his pocket and tossed it to Anthony. “There’s one rolled already.”

  “Thanks,” Anthony said. He plunked down on the grass and got to work. “Man, do I need this,” he said under his breath. “Freaking college advisor has been up my ass for the last hour.”

  “Tell me about it,” Jeremy agreed.

  Jenny bit her nails, feeling a little left out. She looked at Nate, but he had grabbed the soccer ball out of Jeremy’s hands and was busy dribbling it between his feet.

  “That’s nothing. My dad’s been up my ass about college since eighth grade,” Charlie said. “He’s already talked to some dean at Yale Law School, like, getting them ready for me to show up there. It’s like, hey Dad, slow down!”

  “So we’re still going up to Brown this weekend, right?” Jeremy said.

  Brown. Jenny snapped to attention. That was where Dan and Serena were going this weekend.

  “Definitely,” Nate said.

  He passed the ball to Jenny and she kicked it softly back to him, smiling to let him know that she really didn’t mind that his friends had come, or that they were all talking about college while she was only a ninth-grader. She liked knowing that Nate wasn’t actually as baked as a loaf of bread, and that he’d told her he was thinking about taking some time off before college. She already knew more about him than his best friends did!

  “Come on,” Nate said. “Let’s play ball.”

  She just wished Nate had kissed her after all, and that he hadn’t stopped when his friends showed up.

  Dan sat on a bench to wait for Zeke and Serena. Well, Zeke was definitely coming. And if Serena showed up, Dan would tell Zeke to get the hell out of there and leave them alone.

  That’s what friends are for.

  Dan pulled a Camel out of his pocket and stuck it between his lips. His hands were shaking, partly because he’d drunk six cups of coffee since lunch, and partly because he was nervous at the prospect of seeing Serena again, especially if she’d read his poem. He pulled his writing notebook out of his pocket and stared at the last few lines of the poem without seeing them. Any minute now Serena was going to rush up and throw her arms around his neck, kissing him breathlessly and crying because it was so heartless of her not to show up on Saturday, and telling him over and over that she loved his poem. That she loved him.

  Or not.

  Dan inhaled too quickly and nearly coughed up a lung. Then he lit another cigarette with the one he was already smoking. He was going to chain-smoke until she showed up. He might be dead when she got there, but at least they’d be together.

  Puffing away, he stared across the grass. A short girl with big boobs and curly brown hair was playing soccer with four boys he recognized only vaguely. It was his sister, Jenny. Since when did she hang out in the park with those boring, preppy, Upper East Side assholes? And was that guy, Chuck the Pervert, with them? Feeling protective, Dan started to stand up, but then he forced himself to sit back down again. Jenny looked like she was having a good time, and he could see Chuck wasn’t there. If he wanted to be an asshole older brother, he could go over there and ruin everything, or he could just sit tight and let Jenny have her fun. He could still watch her from where he was sitting. And besides, Jenny needed to meet new people, especially now that he was seeing Serena and had less time for her.

  Well, sort of seeing Serena. If she ever showed up.

  “Hey, I’d really better head home,” Jenny said, dribbling the ball over to Nate.

  “Okay, I’ll talk to you soon.” He put his hand behind her head, and kissed her on the cheek.

  Jenny nearly toppled over. “‘Bye,” she squeaked, waving to the other three boys. Then she turned and walked quickly toward Central Park West before she could pee in her pants. She couldn’t wait to see Nate again. Alone.

  “Dude, what does Blair think about your new little girlfriend?” Anthony asked Nate when Jenny had gone. He lit another joint, took a hit, and passed it to Jeremy.

  “She’s not my girlfriend, man,” Nate said. “She’s just a cool kid I stumbled into.” He shrugged. “I like her.”

  “I like her, too,” Jeremy said, passing the joint to Nate. “But Blair would not be happy if she knew you were hanging out with some ninth-grade chick instead of her. Right?”

  Nate took the joint and inhaled deeply. “She doesn’t have to know,” he grunted, holding in the smoke. Then he exhaled. “Dude, it’s not like I’m going to ditch Blair for Jennifer. It’s no big deal.”

  “No big deal,” Charlie agreed, taking the joint.

  Nate watched the ember burn on the end of the joint. He knew what he’d said wasn’t true. It was a big deal. He just wasn’t sure how to handle it.

  A guy had to tread carefully when a girl like Blair was involved. He’d seen what she could do, and it wasn’t pretty.

  “Sorry I’m late, loser,” Zeke said, bouncing a basketball against Dan’s head. “Come on, let’s play.”

  Dan looked up from his notebook. He’d started another poem called “Broken Feet.”

  Splintered wood, flat tires, broken glass.

  Fate wields its unfair axe. Collapse.

  It was about wanting to be somewhere with someone and not being able to get there. Serena was obviously stuck somewhere she didn’t want to be, pining for Dan, wishing she were with him. Maybe she was on a subway somewhere, stuck between stops. And he was stuck in the park with Zeke.

  “Hey,” Dan said, shoving his notebook into his bag and standing up. “Thanks for showing up.”

  “Fuck you. I had math tutoring, you know that,” Zeke said, dribbling the ball.

  They headed toward the basketball court. “Yeah, well, you should work harder in math,” Dan said. “Then you wouldn’t need a tutor.”

  “And you should go fuck yourself, because you’re lame,” Zeke said.

  “What’s that’s supposed to mean?” Dan asked. He dropped his bag by the court fence and peeled off his coat.

  Zeke danced around with the ball. He was a little overweight and had wide hips like a girl, but he was the best basketball player at Riverside Prep. Go figure. “You’re always busy these days, and you’re always in a bad mood,” he said. “You’re getting lamer and lamer.”

  Dan shrugged and lunged forward to steal the ball away from Zeke. “Hey, what can I say? I have a girlfriend,” he said, backing away and dribbling the ball down the court. He did a layup, missing the basket by a foot.

  “Nice one, loser.” Zeke sprinted up and caught the rebound. “A girlfriend?” he said, bouncing the ball without going anywhere. His belly jiggled beneath his white T-shirt. “Who, Vanessa?”

  Dan shook his head. “Her name’s Serena. You don’t know her,” he said. “We’re going college visiting together this weekend.”

  “Wow,” Zeke said, spinning around to dribble the ball down to the other basket. He didn’t sound all that impressed.

  Dan watc
hed his friend take a perfect jump shot. He stood still as Zeke dribbled the ball back down the court.

  “So, it’s pretty serious, huh?” Zeke said, tossing him the ball.

  Dan caught the ball and stayed where he was. He wasn’t sure what to say to that. It was pretty serious to him, that was for sure. But was Serena at that very moment telling her friends all about Dan, her new boyfriend? Was she daydreaming about their weekend away together?

  Not quite.

  At that very moment, Serena was at the dentist, getting a cavity’ filled. She was hungry and a little pissed off that she was going to have to wait for the novocaine to wear off before she could eat anything.

  Not exactly the stuff of poetry.

  She had also read Dan’s poem, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it. She was used to guys’ attention, but not this sort of attention. Dan was becoming vaguely stalkeresque, and it was really starting to weird her out.

  b gets a new brother

  “What sorts of questions have you prepared?” Ms. Glos asked Blair. It was Wednesday afternoon, and Ms. Glos was prepping Blair for her Yale interview on Saturday. “You’ll need to show them that you’re interested in things that are particular to Yale, that you’re not just applying there because it’s a good school and you’re a legacy child.”

  Blair nodded impatiently. What did Ms. Glos think she was, a moron?

  Ms. Glos uncrossed her legs and picked at a piece of lint stuck to her tan pantyhose. Her upper body was thick and square like a man’s, but Blair noticed she had remarkably good legs for a fifty-year-old college advisor.

  “I’m going to ask them about opportunities to travel in France junior year. I’m going to ask about their sports facilities and about housing. I’m going to ask about opportunities to participate in student government. Oh, and I’m going to ask about job recruitment,” Blair said. She opened her PalmPilot and made a note to herself.

  “Good girl. That will show that you’re not just an academic. You’re well-rounded, you’re interested in participating.” Ms. Glos closed Blair’s file and slipped it back into a drawer in her desk. “You’ll do fine,” she told Blair. “You’re more than ready.”

  Blair stood up. She already knew she was ready. She’d been prepping for this her whole life. “Thanks, Ms. Glos,” she said and reached for the doorknob. “If it goes well, I can apply early and forget about looking at other schools, right?”

  “Well, it can’t hurt to look at a few other places—you might find somewhere else you like better,” Ms. Glos said, dabbing at her nose with a Kleenex. “But I don’t see why Yale wouldn’t take you.”

  Blair smiled. “Good.” Then she opened the door and closed it behind her, satisfied.

  When Blair got home to the penthouse on Seventy-second Street, she could tell immediately that something was different. Suitcases and boxes littered the hallway. TRL was blaring from the giant TV in the library. She could hear the scratching of a dog’s claws on the wood floors, and there was a leash hanging from the doorknob.

  Blair walked inside and dropped her backpack on the floor of the foyer. She was greeted by an enormous brown boxer, who trotted up and butted his head into her crotch.

  “Hey,” she said, batting the dog’s nose away. “Fuck off.” She peered down the apartment’s long hallway. “Mom?”

  The door to her mother’s bedroom opened and Cyrus Rose came out, wearing his favorite red silk Versace bathrobe and bamboo spa sandals. He looked very relaxed. “Hello, Blair!” he shouted, shuffling up and wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug. “Your mother’s in the tub. But it’s official—I’m all moved in. And Aaron and Mookie have moved in, too!”

  “Mookie?” Blair said, stepping backward. She didn’t like standing so close to Cyrus when it was very possible he wasn’t wearing anything under his bathrobe.

  “Aaron’s dog! He’s a real mooch. Ha ha! Mookie the mooch,” Cyrus said, snapping stubby, gold-ringed fingers. “Aaron’s mom’s away a whole lot, and he was bored as hell up in that big house in Scarsdale with only Mookie to talk to, so he decided to move in with us. Like your mom says, the more the merrier!”

  Blair just stood there, unable to believe her ears. The dog, Mookie, walked up behind her and sniffed her butt.

  “Mookie, no!” Cyrus said, laughing. “Come here, boy. Come help me introduce Blair to Aaron. Come on.” He grabbed the dog’s collar and led him into the library.

  Blair had a feeling she was supposed to follow them, but she stood where she was, still in shock.

  A moment later a head full of short brown dreadlocks darted out from behind the library door. The head belonged to a boy Blair’s age, with big brown eyes, pale skin, and red lips that curved up at the corners.

  “Hey,” the boy said, “I’m Aaron.” He tromped down the hallway in his work boots to offer Blair his hand. His T-shirt was ripped and had a faded picture of Bob Marley on it. Blair could see the tops of his underwear above the waistband of his baggy pants.

  Ew?

  Blair touched his hand as little as possible before pulling away.

  “So I guess we’re roommates now, huh?” Aaron said, still smiling.

  Seriously ew.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I shut your cat in your bedroom ‘cause she was kind of freaked out by Mookie. Her tail got huge,” he said and laughed, shaking his dreadlocks.

  Blair glared at him. “I have to do my homework,” she said and turned for her bedroom, slamming the door in Aaron’s face.

  Alone in her room, she grabbed the cat and threw herself onto her bed. Kitty Minky kneaded his paws into her sweater.

  “It’s okay, baby,” Blair murmured, clutching him to her chest. She closed her eyes tight and burrowed her head into his soft fur, wishing the world would go away.

  She kept her eyes closed and her body still. If she stayed like that for long enough, maybe everyone would forget about her and she wouldn’t have to go on being Blair Waldorf, living her increasingly stupid life. She could become someone else and still go to Yale. Eventually, after searching and searching for years without giving up, Nate would find her. It would be like an old black-and-white movie where the heroine gets amnesia and starts a new life and falls in love with a new man, but all along the man who loved her originally never gave up searching until he found her and asked her to marry him, even though she couldn’t remember his name. Then, when he gave her an old scarf of his, full of smells and old times together, her memory would come back and she’d say, “I do,” and they’d live happily ever after.

  The film credits rolled in her mind as violins played softly.

  When all else failed, Blair could always go to the movies in her head. Best not tell the Yale admissions office that, though. They might give her a p for psychotic.

  Finally Blair let go of Kitty Minky and sat up. She grabbed the remote for her TV and pressed play. The VCR whirred, and soon the opening scene of Breakfast at Tiffany’s began playing over and over—Audrey Hepburn, still dressed up after a long night out, eating croissants in front of Tiffany’s at daybreak. This was the film Blair had entered in the Constance Billard film festival. Audrey eating croissants to the theme from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, admiring the diamonds in a Tiffany’s window. And again, to an old Duran Duran song— “Girls on Film.” Then again, to Liz Phair’s “Rocketboy.” And again to different music. Blair saw something different in the scene every time. She never got tired of it. Hopefully the judges at the festival next Monday would feel the same way.

  There was a knock on the door, and Blair rolled over to see who could possibly have the nerve to disturb her. The door swung open. It was Aaron. Mookie nosed his way between his legs and into the room. Kitty Minky yowled and darted into the closet.

  “Mookie, no!” Aaron growled, grabbing the dog’s collar. “Sorry,” he said, glancing apologetically at Blair. He pulled Mookie out the door and swatted his behind. “Bad,” he scolded.

  Blair just stared at him, chin in her hands, hati
ng him more each second.

  “Listen,” Aaron said. “You want a beer or something?”

  Blair didn’t reply. She hated beer.

  Aaron’s dark brown eyes roamed to the TV screen. “Hey, you dig that old shit?” he said.

  Blair grabbed the remote and clicked off the TV. No way was she going to allow Aaron to insult her film. Hadn’t he done enough harm already?

  “I know it must be pretty freaky for you with us moving in all of a sudden, and the wedding and everything. I just thought if you wanted to like, talk or whatever, that’s cool,” Aaron said.

  Blair continued to stare at him coldly, wishing he’d get lost.

  Aaron cleared his throat. “I was just hanging with your little brother Tyler, you know, like watching TV and drinking a beer. Well, I drank a beer—he had a Coke. Anyway, he seems pretty cool with the whole thing. He’s a neat little kid.”

  Blair blinked. Did this asshole think they were having a conversation?

  “Okay,” Aaron said. “Um, we’re all going out to dinner later. I’m vegan, so we’re going to a vegetarian restaurant. Hope that’s okay.” He backed away, waited for a moment for Blair to respond. When she didn’t, he smiled resignedly and closed the door.

  Blair rolled over again and hugged a pillow against her stomach. Of course he was vegan. It was so typical. She wished she had some raw meat to throw in his face.

  What? Did everyone expect her to give her new faux-hip-pie stepbrother a warm welcome just because he was living in the house, drinking beer like he owned the place, and hanging out with Tyler like Mr. Sensitive? Well, they could take that idea and shove it up their fat asses.

  At least she was getting away this weekend, and pretty soon she’d be at Yale and away from this freak show forever. Maybe if she told Nate what had happened, he would feel sorry for her and decide to come with her to New Haven after all.

  She reached for the phone beside her bed and dialed Nate’s number.

  “Yo,” Nate answered it on the fifth ring. He sounded baked.

  “Hey, it’s me,” Blair said, her voice trembling a little. All of a sudden she felt like she might cry.