by Jessica Marx
I have to get through to her somehow, but she needs her space now. She needs to think things though. I know once she does, she’ll realize what a huge mistake she’s making. She fucking better.
Chapter 35
SYDNEY
For the last couple of days at school, Jax has avoided me like the plague. He has gone out of his way not to run into me and steered clear of my classroom. I don’t know if anyone else in school notices - and quite honestly - I don’t care anymore. I have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. I will never be happy that way - especially not with someone like Jax.
I’m a wreck. I need to talk to someone, but I have no one to turn to right now. I obviously can’t speak to Jax about it, and Kelly has been at Tim’s since Jax and I had our fight. I know she would come home in a heartbeat if I asked her to, but I wouldn’t do that. This is my problem, not hers. I would love to hear what she has to say, but I should really decide how I feel on my own.
By the time Kelly gets home from work, I’m already changed into my lounge clothes and sitting on the couch - exactly how I’ve been every day since the fight. She looks confused when she sees me - more so when she notices the used tissues spread on the table. She stops in her tracks when she sees my face.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Jax loves me,” I say through tear filled eyes.
“Yeah, I know,” she answers simply, waiting for further explanation.
“No - I mean, he told me he loves me.”
“He told me he loved you weeks ago - not that he needed to - it’s pretty fucking obvious. Why are you crying about it?”
“Can’t you let me have my moment?”
“I’m sorry.” Kelly folds her arms, and looks at me, “go ahead, let’s hear it.”
“We got into a ‘discussion’ after I told him about what Nadia said.” I use air quotes when I say the word ‘discussion’. Kelly can tell this isn’t going anywhere good. She takes a seat next to me on the couch.
“That bitch is crazy,” she adds quickly before I continue.
“She is. Jax told me she was full of shit. He was kind of mad at her, but also mad that I would consider believing what she said. Then he did it - he told me he loved me.”
“And what did you say?”
“What do you think? I told him I love him too.” I force a smile thinking about it.
“Are we going to get to the part where you tell me why you’re crying soon? Because, I really can’t figure it out. It sounds like you should be celebrating.”
I start sobbing again, “Oh, Kel. I fucked up. I love him. I know I love him, but all these crazy thoughts started going on in my head. What if Nadia is right - even a little bit? What if Jax is only with me because it’s good for him now - even if he doesn’t realize it. Like, he loves me because I’m all he has right now.”
“You don’t believe that, do you, Syd?”
“I don’t know.” I blow my nose.
“That’s nuts. It is very clear that Jax loves you. He only has eyes for you - whether you’re the only one he has right now, or not. It doesn’t matter. Why are you even doubting yourself right now?”
“That’s not all of it,” I begin, “we’re always being watched. There’s always someone there. Even when it’s not the media, it’s just the public. Everyone wants to know what Jax is up to. Everyone wants a piece of him. I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t think I can live like that.”
Kelly stares at me, “dude. I want to say something, but you have to listen with an open mind.”
“Of course.”
“You sound like you’re losing your shit.”
“I am,” I start to cry again, “I am losing my shit. What am I doing?”
“You’re self sabotaging. You’ve been out of the game for so long, and hurt so much in the past, that you’re making up reasons to ruin your relationship.”
I look down, “that’ stupid.”
“It is stupid. You have a great thing going. Don’t let your insecurities and ‘what ifs’ fuck all of it up. Despite what you originally thought, I think Jax has proved to be a really good guy. You deserve someone amazing, and he is amazing.”
“He is. I am such an asshole.”
“He is - and you are.” I laugh through my tears.
“I am. Jax was so mad.”
“I’m sure he was just hurt.”
“He was pretty pissed.”
“Well then, give him time to cool off. Think really fucking hard about what you want. Tell those voices in your head to shut up. You guys deserve each other.”
“What if,” I start, but Kelly stops me.
“What if nothing. What if you love him and spend every day madly in love? What if you get married? What if you make so many little babies, you have your own football team?”
I laugh.
“See, anything is possible. You found love. Hold onto it and enjoy the ride.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I am. I’m always right. Ask Tim,” she jokes.
I blow my nose for the last time. I have to make things right with Jax. I have to talk to him and work it out. I hope he’ll listen to me. I was such a bitch to him. If he doesn’t hear me out, I will deserve that.
JAXSON
This is bullshit. I should just find Sydney and demand she speak to me. This is why relationships have never been for me. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do.
I could easily find another woman to alleviate some of my pain. I could hook up with one of the jersey chasers - no problem - but I won’t. If I do that, I will prove Sydney was right to be worried. I will ruin things between us forever. I’m going to hold on to the belief that she is coming back. She’s a smart girl, she’ll realize how foolish she’s been. She has to, or I’m going to lose my shit.
It has taken every ounce of strength to avoid Sydney at school. It’s hard enough not to think about her when she’s not there, but when I see her, or know we are so close, it’s almost impossible. I can’t get her off my mind, and it shows.
I’m not with it at my practice. The guys can tell something is up. I try to use the excuse that I’m coming down with something, but that’s never stopped me in the past.
“What’s up with you, bro?” Jake asks.
“Just not feeling it today,” I answer vaguely.
“You better start feeling it - this is the playoffs. We’re going to the Superbowl this year and we’re not going to get there if you’re playing half assed like this.”
“I know. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I just need some sleep.”
“You said almost the same thing yesterday when we were training. You know, when you almost dropped all three hundred pounds of weights on your head.”
“Yeah. Thanks for spotting me.”
“Bro. I think there’s something more you’re not letting onto.”
“I just have some shit going on right now.”
“If it’s girl trouble, fuck someone else and get over it. We need you.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?
“I love her. I actually let myself fall for a girl and now she’s pushing me away.” I punch the wall in front of me, “fuck!”
“Watch your hand, man. Calm down.” Jake says quietly. He sounds more serious than ever, “work your shit out. Get the girl back. Beg. Do whatever you have to do. Now is not the time for you to be dealing with this shit.”
“Beg? I’ve never had to beg for a woman before,” I huff.
“If she’s got you this twisted, she’s worth it.”
“I’m not a pussy.”
“I never said you were. Love makes people do crazy shit. If she’s worth it, do whatever it takes.”
“She is,” I say. My wheels are turning. I need to figure out how to get through to Sydney. She’s not getting off that easy.
Chapter 36
SYDNEY
I pull up to the high school and get out of my car in the morning
for work. I stop dead in my tracks when I see who’s outside waiting for me.
“Hello, Sydney.”
“Nadia,” I sneer back at her, “why are you here?”
“Look, I know you don’t like me, and that’s okay, but I owe you an explanation.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” I reply, clicking my alarm.
“I do.”
“I’m on my way to work. I really don’t have time for this right now.”
“It will only take a minute, hon. Hear me out.”
She looks defeated - not at all like the usual Nadia Tate. I roll my eyes. I really don’t care, but part of me wants to hear what she has to say.
“Please,” she pleads.
“Fine. You have one minute.” It feels good to have the upper hand with someone who usually runs the show.
“I lied to you. I let my personal feelings get in the way of my job and come between me and my client. It’s something I have never done and I’m ashamed.”
“Okay,” I say hesitantly. The look on her face makes me almost feel bad for her - almost.
“I always had a thing for Jaxson. I followed his career for a while and hoped our paths would cross at some point so I could get my chance with him. Not as his image consultant, as his…woman,” she says, searching for the right words. “I made suggestions to him about what to do and how to act, but Jaxson being with you is his own doing. I played no part in that. I’m embarrassed to say though, that I did play a part in trying to break you both up. I thought if I got the right thoughts into your head, I could make you change your mind about him. Then I would be able to pick up the pieces when he fell apart.”
My jaw falls open as I listen to Nadia tell me what has to be the truth. She wouldn’t lie about something like this. She sounds desperate and sad.
She continues, “I staged that photo in the parking lot. I thought seeing us together like that would seal the deal for you. I knew he wouldn’t risk getting that close to another woman, so I did it myself.”
“Well, your plan worked. We broke up.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not. You’re just upset that it backfired and Jax wants nothing to do with you now. You fucked up, and if anyone finds out, your career is going to be over also.”
Nadia looks down at the ground. She looks like a lost puppy, “That’s why I’m here. I needed to try and fix what I did. It’s the least I can do. I let my emotions get the best of me. It’s never happened before - and it will never happen again.”
“For your sake, I hope it doesn’t. That was completely unprofessional.” I look at my watch.
“Thank you for listening, Sydney. You’re a good person. You deserve to know the truth. Jaxson loves you - everyone can see that. I’m sorry for trying to get in the way. True love always prevails.” She tries to smile with the last sentiment.
“Thanks for the apology. I hope everything works out for you.” I say snidely. I look at her with pity.
“You too.”
With that, I start walking toward the entrance and she gets in her car.
I’m shaking. I can’t believe that just happened. The ice queen just showed her true feelings - her most vulnerable side. I hate confrontation, but I’m proud of the way I handled that. I’m glad I let her speak her mind. It was obvious that she was speaking from the heart. I’m also glad I kept my cool. I kind of wanted to hug her, but I wasn’t going to show her how much she affected me. No way.
I get to my classroom and sit down at my desk. There are so many thoughts racing through my head. How could everyone see how much Jax loves me when all I’ve done is doubt him. I need to explain. I need to make it right. If he really does love me, he must be hurting. I know I am. I can’t wait anymore.
Chapter 37
SYDNEY
This day could not move any slower. All I want to do is find Jax and jump into his arms. I want to apologize and kiss him all over. I just want him to take me back. I hope it can be that simple.
Just when I think the school day is never going to end, the bell rings. Mikey stops at my desk on his way out.
“Are you going to the game tonight?” he asks.
“I didn’t think you had one?” I reply, confused.
“We don’t.” He chuckles, “the Rattlers have a big playoff game tonight. Some of us bought tickets so we could go cheer them on.”
Oh my God. With everything going on, I totally forgot about the game. Without Jax around to remind me, I didn’t even think about his schedule.
“Yes. I plan on being there. Of course,” I answer. I’m only partially paying attention now though. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to get tickets to the game and how I’m going to talk to Jax before he plays.
“Cool, Ms. Hayes. Maybe we’ll see you there.”
“Cool,” I reply, absent minded.
As soon as Mikey leaves and I’m alone in my classroom, I take my phone out. I have to get to Jax.
I dial his number and it goes straight to voicemail. He must already be getting ready for the game tonight. Shit.
I head straight home and change. There’s no way I’m missing this game. Kelly isn’t home and I don’t expect her to be for a while. That’s okay. I’ve been to games by myself before, surely I can do it today. Hopefully I will be able to buy a last minute ticket.
I’m running on autopilot. I drive to the stadium. The parking lot is already full of tailgaters getting ready for the big game. I park in the first open spot I see and march up to the ticket window.
The only ticket available is in the nose bleed section and even that is a small fortune. I take a breath as the agent swipes my credit card. That one’s going to hurt. I’ve been spoiled getting free tickets so close to the field.
Now I have a new problem. How is Jax going to see me? How will I find him? I have to get to him before the game.
I walk through the turnstile and stride toward the far end of the stadium where the locker rooms are. There are a few security guards near the entrance. I attempt to walk past them like I own the place, but they easily stop me.
“You can’t go that way, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart? Really? “It’s okay. I’m Jaxson James’s girlfriend.”
One of them laughs. The other two look at each other. “Sure you are. Like we’ve never heard that before.”
“No, really. Ask him. Please,” I beg.
“Sorry, sweetheart. You’re going to have to wait until after the game with the rest of the fans.”
“Please, just let him know I’m here. He’ll verify who I am.”
“Look. I’m sorry, but you need to leave. Come back after the game if you like. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll notice you.”
These guys think I’m crazy. Then again, why wouldn’t they? How many women have tried this in the past.
“Fine, but he’s going to be pissed when he finds out you didn’t let me in,” I say, more for effect than anything.
I turn and walk back toward the main concourse. I really must sound crazy. I’m losing it. I’m completely full of emotions. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the whole game like this.
I find my seat. It’s so high up, I can barely see what’s going on on the field. Now I know why Tim was so excited to get good seats. What a difference. I buy a beer from one of the vendors walking passed me. Maybe that will help me relax a little.
The seats around me fill in no time and the game begins. From the first minute, I’m on the edge of my seat. I’m cheering and screaming at the field. Well, at least now I know what to do with all of my nervous energy. In fact, I get so into the game, I almost forget about why I came in the first place. Almost, but not quite.
I can tell Jax isn’t playing like himself. He’s playing hard, but he’s also being a little sloppy. After watching him so many times, I can tell. He’s being rough and careless. It’s my fault. I did this to him. If they lose, I’ll feel terrible knowing that it’s because of what I did to Jax
.
Despite Jax being ‘off’ on the field, the Rattlers have a secure lead. Luckily the rest of the team is holding their own and picking up his slack. I’m sure playing on their own turf isn’t hurting either. Whatever it is, I feel a huge sense of relief when the final whistle blows and the Rattlers win. My whole section cheers and screams. One more win, and they are headed to the Superbowl.
I don’t stick around for the celebration though. Once I heard that whistle, I took off for the locker rooms. I made it down in record time and got myself a spot up front. I need Jax to see me. I can’t chance not being noticed.
It feels like forever before the players start filing out of the locker room. Each time a new face appears in the doorway, I get excited. Then my heart sinks when it’s not Jax.
Finally, I see Jake emerge and I know Jax will be right behind him. He is. The fans around me push forward for a chance to get an autograph or picture. I freeze. What am I going to say with all of these people around. With all my worrying and thinking, I never really planned on what I was going to say.
Jax sees me standing there. Our eyes meet. He seems hesitant - like he doesn’t know exactly why I’m there or what to do. I give him a meek smile. He takes it as a signal to come over.
“Hey,” I say, quietly.
“Hey.”
The girls next to me nudge me aside and excitedly ask Jax to sign a football. He gives me a look and signs the ball for them.
“Can you meet me outside?” he asks. This clearly isn’t the place to have a conversation.
“Of course.”
Jax makes his way to the double doors, stopping to pose for a photo or sign something for a fan. I wish I could make all of these people disappear. I’m following close behind. The same security guards that stopped me before the game try to stop me from going past the next door, but Jax takes my hand and gives them a nod. I’m sure they don’t remember me from earlier, but I give them a smug look anyway.
Once outside, it’s just the players and some of their close friends or family that they let through with them. Jax still has my hand in his. He leads me over to the far end of the gated area, not saying a word as we walk passed everyone. He just smiles and nods. When he’s satisfied that we’re out of earshot, he stops and faces me.
