by Jessica Marx
I cringe. “Not really. But it still has the same meaning.” She’s making me feel like such a fool.
My mom chuckles. “I think we talk about our children so much it feels like we know them more than we actually do. I think his boys are fantastic—I probably shouldn’t be gossiping about what they do or who they do it with. As long as they treat me with respect, I’m happy.” She sounds like the perfect stepmother already.
“Well, Mom, again, I’m so happy for you. You deserve a guy like Tom. And you certainly deserve to be treated like a queen, after all you’ve been through.” I try to steer our conversation away from “The boys.” My mother would kill me if she knew what happened with Jayson, more so if she knew how I felt about him this morning—how I’d thought I was in love.
“Can we do lunch this week, Ashley? I can come in on your day off if you like,” Mom offers.
“I would love that,” I reply, and I really would. “I’ll know my schedule on Sunday.”
“Sounds good. Won’t it be nice when you finally decide on a major and work in your own field?” she adds. I knew she would have to get one shot in about my job. She hates that I’m a waitress and not trying harder to explore what I really want to do with my future.
“Of course it will, Mother,” I answer, making sure to call her by her least favorite maternal moniker.
“You know I have to say it, Ash,” she says, and I can tell she’s smiling on the other end. “Love you. Call me when you have your schedule.”
“I will. Love you too, Mom.”
I send Rachel a quick text to call me when she has a few minutes. I need to hash this out with someone rational.
I take my robe off and step into the shower. I let the water flow over me to try and relax and calm my thoughts. I finish and towel off, put on my work clothes and makeup, and go back to the kitchen to have a snack before I leave. I notice my phone is indicating a missed call and text so I pick it up.
I read the text first: Last night was incredible. I miss you already, sent by Jayson. I smile to myself. Maybe I was going a little overboard with all the negative things I was thinking about him this morning. So he was player before—people can change, right? Maybe I just don’t have the confidence to think I’m the one that can change him.
I’m not sure what to write back yet, so I check my voicemail. It’s Rachel. She’s going back into the studio and will stop by for a drink later if she can. Perfect.
I contemplate what to write back to Jayson. I want to believe him so badly, but something inside me is making me hesitate. I type and erase messages several times before I decide exactly what to say.
I had a great time. Talk soon. It’s simple, to the point, and not committing to any feelings. I hit “send” feeling satisfied, grab a trail mix bar from the pantry, and head off to work.
________
The restaurant is pretty slow when I get there. It’s just about lunch time and there are only a few tables sitting. I continue to speculate and try to rationalize my emotions and feelings throughout the day. I go back and forth, loving Jayson, then being annoyed that I even believe that. Being disgusted that we might be related at some point in the near future, then rationalizing that it doesn’t matter.
Maybe Jayson was right about one thing: I should stop thinking so much and just let things happen. Even if he said that to get me to give in for the night, at this point it seems like great advice.
After the lunch crowd disperses, I pour myself an iced tea and go sit outside for a few minutes after the dining room is reset for the dinner crowd. As usual, I take my phone out to waste some time and see another text from Jayson. I can’t stop thinking about you. Again, I smile. I don’t think he would continue to text me if he was playing games, I really don’t, but I’m afraid to believe that he really likes me.
I’ve been thinking about you too, I reply. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him.
Can I see you again tonight? Jayson writes back. I can’t see him yet, I’m not ready. I need to decide how I feel before I can face him again. There is no way I can resist him so I need to be sure about how I feel before I can be face to face.
Sorry, working late and meeting Rachel, is all I say. That’s all he needs to know.
You’re not brushing me off, are you? he replies. It’s hard to tell if he is hurt or being sarcastic through a text.
No. Just can’t tonight. Have to get back to work now, I send back. It totally sounds like I’m blowing him off, which I guess I am. I’ll explain everything to him once I’m in a better emotional state.
He sends me back a smiley face and I turn my phone off and head back into the restaurant as the first of the early dinner crowd enters.
The dinner rush comes and goes, slowing down as it gets later in the evening. I only have a few tables left finishing up when I see Rachel walk in. She waves and smiles at me and heads over to the bar where Sam pours her a glass of wine before she has a chance to sit down. They exchange greetings and make small talk while she waits for me to close out the checks left in my section. I finish up my closing duties and walk over to the bar, taking a seat next to Rachel.
“Hey, Rach. Glad you decided to stop in,” I say as Sam passes me my own glass of wine.
“Me too. I could tell you had something on your mind. What’s up?”
“It’s a very long story,” I say and lay out most of the details about my dinner with Jayson and what happened afterwards. I convey my feelings, what I thought he was feeling, then how I felt this morning and the rest of the day. I also tell Rachel about my mother’s phone call and what she has to say about Jayson’s reputation. She listens quietly until I’m finished, and even then she takes a minute to let my words soak in as she sips her wine.
“Well,” Rachel begins, “I see how you can feel confused. There are a lot of points here to consider. If you take your mother’s relationship out of the picture, how do you feel?”
“I feel like I could really love Jayson. Then I feel like an idiot for thinking that.”
“I only had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting him at the bar,” Rachel snarks, “and he definitely seemed like a dick that night. But from the way you talked about him, it’s possible he has actual feelings for you. I mean, why would he have stayed the night and texted you throughout the day if he didn’t like you? He could have boned you and left.”
“True,” I reply. Sam makes his way over to us to offer Rachel a refill.
“Couldn’t help but overhear some of your story, Ashley,” he says. “If you’re talking about that guy from the other night, I think he digs you.”
“Thanks, Sam. I’m trying to figure him out. Men are complicated.”
“As a man who’s had the chance to be with many women, I can tell you, he definitely wouldn’t have wasted his time coming in here to see you if he didn’t like you. The way the women were looking at him, he could have had his pick of the litter, but he only had eyes for you.” And with that, Sam tops off Rachel’s glass and heads back to the bar.
“I think he could be right,” Rachel agrees. “I would have to see him again to say for sure, since our first meeting was… not so great.”
“Okay, so let’s say we do have a real love connection. What about possibly being his stepsister one day? What do I do about that?”
“That’s a tough call, Ash. This isn’t something you come across every day. I mean, it’s not like incest because you’re not really related, but it’s still kind of weird. I think it would have to be whatever you’re comfortable with.” She frowns. “Does your mother know anything about this? Tom?”
“My mother definitely doesn’t know. I’m not sure how to tell her, either. I don’t think I will, unless Jayson and I get serious. Either way, she’s won’t be happy. She’s apparently heard a lot about him from Tom, so she doesn’t think very highly of the way he treats women. She even compared him to my dad, and you know how she feels about him! And if she and Tom got married, I can’t imagine her having to tell every
one that her husband’s son is dating her daughter. It just sounds scandalous.
“Besides,” I continue, “I haven’t even told her I broke up with Michael yet. As far as she knows, I really like him and want to introduce him to my family.” I heave a sigh. “What a mess.”
“I think you really like this guy,” Rachel says, looking at me over the rim of her glass. “And I think there is a strong possibility he really likes you too. I know it might not be the ideal situation, and I know your mother may worry what people think, and it will definitely take her some time to accept that he cares for you, but at the end of the day, don’t you deserve to be happy?”
She’s right. I know she is. I smile at her. “See? This is why you’re my best friend. Maybe I should just stop questioning everything so much and see where it takes me. Otherwise, I’m going to drive myself and everyone around me crazy.”
Rachel raises her glass to me in a mock toast and I change the subject. “Tell me about your day, Rach. I love a little yoga drama.”
Rachel tells me about her day and her vacation plans with Chris. They have been dating for a couple of years and want to celebrate their anniversary by going on a romantic getaway. We talk for a little while longer about it and then see it’s just us and a couple of other employees left, so we decide to go home. We finish what’s left in our glasses, say goodnight and thank you to Sam, and leave.
We walk the familiar route to our homes, passing the weekend hot spots and laughing at the drunk guys trying to hit on us. I feel much better having talked to my best friend, and as we part ways, she gives me a hug.
“Don’t ever doubt yourself, Ash. You’ve been with a lot of assholes and put up with a lot of their shit, and if you think you might have a chance with this guy, see where it goes. Trust your gut. Worst case, at least you can have some mind-blowing sex.” She laughs as she kisses me on the cheek and heads into her building. I continue my short walk home and gain some more confidence in myself from her final words.
I enter my building and head up to my apartment. It’s already pretty late and I have to work early tomorrow. Saturdays are usually busy from open to close, so I want to get some sleep.
I go up the elevator and walk the hallway to my apartment. As I open the door, I reminisce about the night before when Jayson came here with me and had me pinned up against the wall. Maybe Rachel has a few good points—at least if nothing else, there will be great sex in my future.
I wash up, change and climb into bed. I thought I would be kept awake by my thoughts, but I easily fall asleep within minutes.
14
JAYSON
I can’t get this girl out of my head! Ashley is amazing. I have been with so many women, some of which have done some unbelievable things in bed, but nothing compares to what happened with Ashley.
It was so much more than sex—more than great sex. There was a profound emotion behind it all. Feelings I didn’t know were possible to experience. She is beautiful on the outside, but there is more to it than that. She makes me want her with an urgency I’ve never felt, like I need her. Like I cannot live without her. I can’t let her go.
I thought she felt it, too—she had to. But when I texted her today, she seemed so aloof about it all. It’s making me wonder if the connection I swear exists between us is one that’s only felt on my side of the equation. Shit. I finally find a girl I might be able to love, and now she might be playing me?
Bullshit. I don’t believe that. I’m not the only one who feels this way. I can see it in her eyes and feel it when our bodies are together. Why is she playing games? Why can’t she admit it—even to herself?
Fuck texting and calling—I have to see Ashley face to face. I have to let her know my feelings are real. I have to know why she’s brushing me off and convince her not to. I don’t care if I have to wait to make love again. I have no problem taking it slow and letting her feel comfortable with me—with us. I know she wants to be with me, and I can’t let her fears get in the way.
15
ASHLEY
I wake early and feel refreshed after a good night’s sleep. I brew some coffee and take a quick shower while it percolates. I put on my uniform and some light makeup and go sit in my kitchen for a short while to relax before my day starts. I pick up my phone, knowing there are no unseen texts or voicemails, but wanting to look anyway, hoping a new message from Jayson will appear. I kind of left him hanging last night.
I finish my coffee and rinse my mug and plate in the sink before I go. I take my bag and keys and lock the door behind me as I leave. I’m looking forward to having the evening to myself, since that rarely happens on a weekend. I go down the elevator and out through the lobby.
The streets are more serene on weekend mornings. As I walk to the restaurant, I start thinking that I really need to figure out what to do with my life. I’ve been coasting through my days and slacking when it comes to school and picking classes for the new semester. I make a mental note to be more attentive and do some research—we’ll see what happens.
I arrive at the restaurant and get my station ready for service. Shortly after, the brunch and lunch crowd begins to come in. Luckily, we are once again busy and the time files by. My section is full and lunch is in full swing so I don’t notice Jayson coming in and walking to the bar. It isn’t until he is seated there with a drink in front of him that he catches my eye.
I’m in no way ready to see him yet and I start fumbling with the coffees I’m preparing for a table. At least I’m busy for now and I have some time to think before I can sit down and talk with him. I continue serving my tables and finishing up with the lunch crowd while I silently contemplate what I’m going to say to Jayson.
When my customers have finished and my section is clear, I close out my checks and clean the tables off, doing whatever I can to prolong the time before our conversation. When I have nothing left to do, I go into the ladies’ room to wash my face and fix my hair and try to look somewhat presentable.
Once I’m satisfied, I step back into the dining room and walk over to the bar. I see Jayson smiling at me as I head his way. He looks even more handsome than the last time I saw him.
“Hey, stranger,” he greets me as I sit down next to him.
“Hey.” I smile back, gesturing to Sam to pour me a glass of iced tea.
“I really felt like you were blowing me off, so I thought I would come and find out in person. It’s hard to tell through a text.”
“I wasn’t. I just…” I hesitate, not knowing how honest I should be or how much I should say. “I just needed to think about us. About what happened the other night.”
“I’ve been thinking about us too—and what happened.” He smiles slyly. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, Ashley.” His smile widens when he sees my cheeks flush.
Sam walks over and places a glass of ice in front of me, filling it, nodding and smiling before going back to his patrons. I take a sip and sit in silence for a moment, trying to decide what to say next.
“Ashley, I know you think I’m a player. I can tell you’re scared,” Jayson says as if he’s reading my mind. “Just to be clear, I would not be here right now if I wasn’t serious about you. Our date was by far the best one I’ve ever been on. And the rest of the night was, well… incredible.” He grins. “I know you felt it too, Ashley. You can’t tell me you didn’t.”
I look at Jayson and I see the sincerity in his eyes. “I thought I did, but I don’t know,” I begin. “And yes, I’m afraid. I thought I felt a connection, but then I thought I must be crazy. You’re not the kind of guy to fall for someone so fast. You’re used to being with women and making them feel like that. I barely just got out of a relationship. I don’t know what to think, Jayson. I just know I don’t want to get hurt.”
Sam walks over to ask Jayson if he would like another drink, but he declines. “Why don’t we get out of here and take a walk? Continue this conversation in private?”
“Okay,” I answer takin
g a big gulp from my glass. I leave it on the bar and say goodnight to everyone. Then we get up and walk outside into another beautiful summer night.
“This is better,” Jayson says after we are several steps away from the restaurant. “Where would you like to go?”
“You can just walk with me to my apartment,” I tell him. It’s a nice night for a walk and there aren’t too many places I would go for privacy on a Saturday night around here. “If you don’t mind.”
“Of course not. I would go anywhere with you.” He takes my hand in his as we continue toward my apartment. “So, you were saying?”
“I was just telling you how you’re a player and I feel like an idiot.” Jayson stops, pulling my hand so I have to stop, too.
“Ashley, look at me,” he says in a serious tone. “I like you. I really like you. Something about you captivates me. You’re beautiful, and funny, and real. I know you think I’m an asshole when it comes to women, and maybe up until now I was. But now, I just want you. You’re all I need.
“I may have been with a lot of women, but I never led any of them on. I tell it like it is, and I’m not going to play games with you. I want to be the only man in your life and I know we can try to make it work.”
I look up at him, speechless. This raw honesty is not something I expected. Not from the guy who cracks jokes and speaks in pick-up lines. I believe him, though. I can tell his feelings are authentic. But the voice inside my head is telling me not to jump in headfirst like this.
“Jayson, I believe you feel that way—I do. But how can you change, just like that?” I ask, releasing my hand and snapping my fingers. “Maybe you think you have these feelings, but it’s too soon to know for sure. What if I believe you and then next week, you meet someone else that catches your eye? Then where will I be?”
