by Jessica Marx
Oh God…
“How?” I ask, my voice barely a squeak.
“Thin walls, remember?” Ryan says, his eyes burning into me.
“It… It doesn’t matter. We can’t do this. I don’t feel that way about you Ryan.”
“Prove it,” Ryan dares me.
“Prove it? How the hell am I supposed to do that?”
“Kiss me,” Ryan says. When I turn around, his face is inches away from mine. “Kiss me as Eve. No characters, no scene, no stepbrother and stepsister—just you and me.” He lowers his voice and wets his lips with his tongue. I shiver. “Kiss me now, and if there are no feelings, I will believe you.”
I just stare at him. Every ounce of my being wants to kiss him. I want to grab him and never let go, but I can’t. Once we cross that line, there is no going back. I can’t do that. I love him too much to lose him.
“I can’t,” I reply in a whisper, holding back tears. “I can’t.”
We stand in silence. I feel Ryan staring at me, but I don’t want to look at him. If our eyes meet, I know I will give in. We will kiss, and who knows what would happen from there? I need to leave. I need this moment to be over and forgotten.
Without a word, I walk to my room and close the door. I know Ryan is still standing there, but I don’t care. He will probably wait for me to come out, but I won’t. Goddammit. I want to throw something, punch something—anything to relieve the anger or stress or whatever it is that I’m feeling right now. Instead, I just begin to pace the floor. I can’t leave the apartment, it’s too damn cold, and I don’t feel like being around anyone right now, so I have no place to go. I just keep walking back and forth, my mind racing in all different directions.
I hear the door slam. Ryan must have left. I remain still and quiet and listen to see if I hear him inside, but I don’t. All I hear is the click of the door as he locks it—then he’s gone.
Chapter 36
I spend the night crying uncontrollably in my room. At some point I must have cried myself to sleep, because I wake up still dressed and lying on top of my comforter. My head is throbbing and my face feels swollen. I don’t know if Ryan ever came back, and I’m afraid to find out. I don’t want to face him, but I also don’t want to leave things this way.
I listen for several minutes and don’t hear anything. Regardless of where he is now, at some point we will have to face each other, so I have to accept my fate. I’m sure I look like death right now, but there’s nothing I can do.
I take a breath and leave my room. There is no sign of Ryan in the main area and the bathroom door is open, so I go in and close it behind me.
My face is a mess and my hair is a disaster. I don’t remember the last time I cried like that. I get in the shower and let the warm water roll over my body and face. It feels soothing, and hopefully it will relieve some of the congestion and swelling in my face. I don’t need to explain to anyone why I look like this. I especially don’t want Ryan to see me like this—if he even comes back. I wonder where he went and when he might return.
I didn’t want to kiss him. It wasn’t just the whole stepbrother thing… I wanted to save our friendship. By not kissing him again, I might have ruined it anyway. I don’t know how to begin to make this right. I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. It’s clear to me now that I love him as something much more than a friend… As something more than a stepbrother… I don’t know how he feels, though. I mean, I know he feels something, but what?
I turn off the shower and dry off. I look much better than I did when I got in, which is a relief. I have to work today and need to look presentable. I get dressed and go into the kitchen to have some coffee and breakfast. I’m kidding myself thinking I’m not waiting for Ryan to return, because that’s exactly what I’m doing. As much as I don’t want to see him, I want him to come back.
I take my time with breakfast and Ryan still doesn’t return. I’m sure he’s safe, probably at Tony’s or one of his other boy’s places’. I just wish I knew if he was okay. I have to get ready to go, I’m working early in the afternoon today. Hopefully, he will be back tonight so we can settle things and get back to normal—whatever that is now.
I get to work between lunchtime and Happy Hour, so there aren’t many people here. I don’t mind; I’m not in the mood to make conversation, anyway. I keep busy straightening up the bar and cleaning whatever I can find. As the afternoon goes on, more people come in, and I put on my game face. No one needs to see a melancholy bartender. We are here for customers and their problems, not the other way around. I serve the few people seated around me happily, playing a part once again.
Ken comes in and sits in front of me.
“Hey, Ken. How are you today?” I ask with a smile.
“Same. And you? What’s up, Eve?” Ken immediately notices something is off. I guess my acting isn’t at its best today.
“Nothing new. What can I get you? Usual?” I ask.
“Of course,” he answers. His brow furrows like he’s concerned. “You sure you’re okay, though?”
“I’m very okay, Ken,” I reply, trying to sound more like myself, “Are you sure you’re okay? You forgot to give me your ‘dark and sweet’ line.”
“Shit. This could have been my day, too,” Ken jokes back. We fall into the familiar routine and carry on. I’m glad he didn’t persist.
The afternoon turns to evening and we die down fairly early in the night. Ken left sometime after dinner and I feel better than when I came in. Sometimes pretending everything is okay makes it so—at least, for a while. I clean up, close the register, and get my coat. It’s freezing outside, so I bundle up and prepare to walk home. I step outside and shiver. I let the cold hit me and then take off in a slow jog toward my apartment. I just want to get home and into the heat again. I’m also anxious to see if Ryan came back yet.
I run up the steps of the building and inside. It feels nice in here and I climb the stairs to the apartment. I turn my key in the lock, being sure to make some noise as I do to alert Ryan that I’m here in case he did come back. I prepare myself for whatever is on the other side of the door, but when I step inside, the apartment is still empty.
My short-lived happiness is immediately drained. I can call Ryan, but I wouldn’t know what to say.
I wistfully walk through the apartment, not knowing what to do. I shower and get into bed for lack of any better idea, but I just lie there. I flip through the channels on the TV, but nothing is catching my attention. I just keep waiting to hear him coming in the door, but it doesn’t happen. I give in to exhaustion and fall asleep late well past midnight.
I wake up much later, knowing already that Ryan never came home. There’s this… absence lingering in the air, a void where Ryan once was. I can feel it in my bones, and it does nothing but unnerve me even more.
I get out of bed and walk to the door to peek out, just in case I am wrong, but I’m not. I brew some coffee while I brush my teeth and use the bathroom then pour myself a cup of coffee. I sit silently at the kitchen table, staring blankly. I feel like I lost my best friend, which seems appropriate, since that’s exactly what happened.
I decide I should work out or do something productive today before my shift starts this afternoon. I force myself up from the table to head to my room and hear the familiar click of the lock in the door. I stand there, frozen.
Ryan pushes the door open and casually walks in. He sees me standing in the middle of the room and pauses for a moment. Then he continues to the kitchen.
“Hey, Eve,” he says with a friendly smile as he walks past me.
What the fuck? Why is he acting like nothing happened? How is he acting like that? I thought I wanted everything forgotten, but maybe I was wrong.
“Hey Ryan,” I reply hesitantly. “Where have you been?”
“Tony’s. Just needed some space to think,” he answers.
“Oh. Okay.” I want to expand on what I’m thinking, but I don’t want to wind up in the same place we w
ere when this all started.
“I know you’re not into talking about your feelings, Eve,” Ryan begins, “so I’ll just talk and you can listen. I understand why you don’t want to do this. I respect that… I just want you in my life and if it means only being friends, then so be it. Let’s just forget everything—the kiss, the fight, the whole weekend, and go back to the way we were.” He can’t look me in the eyes when he is speaking, which is very unlike him. I can tell he’s not being honest, but this is what I hoped for, so I have no choice but to concede.
“Okay, Ryan,” I say slowly. I’m still trying to process what was said. “If you think that’s what is best, then that’s what we’ll do.” It’s a lame answer, and not what I really want to say, but it’s the best I can come up with.
“I don’t know what’s best, Eve,” Ryan says in a raised voice, but quickly calms down. “I’m trying to respect what you want and hold on to our friendship. For now, that’s all I can do.”
“Thank you, Ryan,” I say. “That means a lot.”
This is so wrong. I think I might be in love with him. I‘m almost sure of it. But after what we just went through, I can’t tell him. I can’t treat him like that. I’ll just have to let things play out and let nature take its course.
“So, are we cool?” Ryan asks with a hint of a smile and his old self.
“Yes. Cool,” I reply with a cheesy grin, holding up my hand for a high-five. I feel totally lame, but I can’t hug him right now. I don’t want to be that close to him. I need a little more time to get back into the friend zone.
We talk briefly about a few random things, and then I excuse myself, saying I have to work out. Ryan happily ends our conversation with a smile and disappears into his room. Even though we aren’t chatting about anything important, it feels like there are so many things not being said. I can only hope we will be able to repair the damage we have done—that I have done. Ryan is only doing what he thinks I want him to do. Then again, if he was in love with me, would he let me go so easily?
Chapter 37
Ryan and I spend the next couple of days being overly polite and walking on eggshells. We are trying to be friends again, but no matter how many times he calls me Sis, it’s just not working. I don’t feel like a stepsister anymore… He doesn’t feel like a roommate. Still, we have dinner together on the couch and watch a movie, and things start to feel like the old days again. With the end of the week approaching, we won’t see each other as much because of our schedules, but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.
We walk together to our class at AGR on Monday and I’m tense. I assume that since the reading we did last week was romantic, this week will be something different, but you never know. We meet up with our friends in the studio and everyone seems to have forgotten about last week—not that they even knew the effect it had on me and Ryan, anyway. Sarah comes in and explains what we will be doing today and I relieved to hear it will be something comedic. I glance at Ryan and notice he looks more relaxed, as well. Neither one of us wants to relive last week’s episode.
After the workshop is over, we all go out for drinks and some food. There’s one more week left of taking this class together, and we are all going to miss it. Somehow, the topic of “when we make it big” always finds its way into the conversation. I love having this group who shares and understands the dream of being that one in a million who actually succeeds.
Ryan and I continue the ebb and flow of repairing our friendship, and by the time the following weekend comes, we seem to have gotten our groove back. We have successfully left our debacle behind us. I have also managed to repress my own feelings and hope that eventually they just go away. I believe they will, because we really do make great friends.
The couple of nights Ryan went out with his friends, he came home alone. Not that he would hook up every time he goes out, but a small part of me wonders if he’s doing it to protect me. An even smaller part wonders if he is waiting for me to have a change of heart. I’m sure he will move on soon enough. He’s a man, and that’s what they do… Right?
With Christmas only a few weeks away, we decide to buy a small tree for the apartment to make it festive. We bundle up one evening and go to the parking lot around the block where a temporary Christmas tree lot has been set up. We find the nicest of the miniature trees and bring it back to the apartment to decorate. I had already purchased a small bag of ornaments, and Ryan bought one of those boxed sets, and together they are enough to cover the tiny sapling. We play some holiday music and drink hot chocolate while we hang the ornaments on the tree. Doing this with Ryan is one of the best nights I’ve had in a very long time. It feels like being back home…
Spending that time together, relaxed and just being ourselves is exactly what we needed to seal the deal. We are getting along again and there doesn’t seem to be any more tension between the two of us—at least, on the outside. I am still completely confused about my feelings, and I had to fight myself not to drift into dangerous fantasies when I was alone in the dark, but I’m not going to bring Ryan into that. I don’t need to complicate things between us again.
We brave the cold for our final class at the Atlantic Green Room. I hope we can all manage to get into another, at some point, but for now, this is it. We settle in and take our usual seats in the cozy room. Sarah comes in with our final instructions and we have a great time. In the last part of the class, she has us cold read parts for the last day of high school as a group. Between the scene itself, our friendship, and our acting skills, most of us are crying by the end like a bunch of teenagers. It’s perfect.
We applaud each other, and our acting coach, and are smiling again by the time we are ready to say our goodbyes. Each of us give Sarah a big hug before we put on our coats. She asks Ryan if he can stay for a few minutes and of course he agrees. He says he’ll catch up with us after so we go ahead to the bar without him. We’re wondering what she wanted to see him about. I suggest that maybe she wants to talk to him about a part or something. Tony thinks she wants to bang him. I guessed I’d find out soon enough.
We are halfway through our first round of drinking when Ryan walks in the bar smiling ear to ear.
“I knew it. She definitely blew him,” Tony says before Ryan gets to the table.
“You’re such a dick, Tony,” Tara says with a laugh. Ryan stands at the edge of the table.
“So?” Tara says. “What happened?”
“Possibly the most amazing thing ever,” Ryan replies, still standing, but he doesn’t indulge. He always was a pro at suspense.
“What?” we all ask excitedly at almost the same time.
“Sarah told me that a casting director who works with Pacific Green Room, AGR’s office in Los Angeles, is looking to fill a supporting role in a big feature film,” Ryan explains. “The actor they had lined up took a different part. She thinks I will be perfect for it and wants me to do a recorded audition tomorrow.”
We all give him words of encouragement and high-fives and fist pumps—this is the most amazing news any of us have ever heard. Even though it’s happening to Ryan, it’s almost like we are all a part of it.
“Hell yeah!” Tony shouts and comes around the table to give his friend a pat on the back.
“I didn’t get the part yet, guys,” Ryan says, taking us down a notch as he sits. “I still have to audition.”
“Dude, you will definitely get the part,” Tony replies. “You have the skills, and who can say no to those baby blues?”
We clink our glasses and say cheers to our first friend with a very good chance of becoming a star. We order another round of drinks and talk about Ryan and his possible big break for the rest of the night. I am so happy for him. This part could make his entire career. My heart does sink a little when I realize that it will also mean he will have to leave. And if this movie is a hit, he might just move to California and never come back.
We stay out late to celebrate, but Ryan wants to be in good form for his auditi
on tomorrow, so he only has one drink and then takes it easy. He leaves earlier than the rest of us, who continue to party in his honor.
When I arrive back home, I’m pretty drunk. I don’t usually drink a lot, but I needed it. I have had so much going on in my head lately it’s nice to just get silly and forget about it. Ryan is sleeping on the couch when I open the door, so I try to keep quiet, but in my drunken state I make more noise than usual. I see him start to stir and shush myself.
He opens his eyes halfway, just enough to see I’m there, and smile at me before he closes them again. I smile as I look at him, and then clumsily trip over the edge of the coffee table when I try to pass. Ryan wakes with a start. I scramble to get up and poorly try to straighten my clothing and look like nothing happened.
“Watch out for that table. It jumps out of nowhere,” he says, smirking at me through sleepy eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Totally,” I reply trying to sound sober. “Think I’m gonna go to sleep now.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” he says.
“Goodnight. Will I see you in the morning?” I ask, stumbling as I try to walk and talk at the same time. I am way drunker than I thought I was. I never get sloppy like this. There is definitely a spinning room in my future.
“Why don’t I help you?” Ryan offers, standing up and approaching me. “I’m not sure you’re going to make it to your room, and I have too much to do tomorrow to spend the night in the ER with you.”
“I’m fine, dude,” I answer, but I am definitely nowhere near fine.
“I’m sure you are, but I’ll come along anyway just to make sure,” Ryan insists. “Let’s get you a glass of water, first.”
Ryan pours some water and makes me take a drink. Together we walk to my room. I am leaning heavily against him for support. I hate this feeling of helplessness and not being in control, which is why I never drink like this in the first place.
