by Jessica Marx
He walks me to the bed, where I plop down and lay back with my feet on the floor. I slowly sit back up because the room starts spinning.
“Hold your foot out,” Ryan commands and I lazily straighten my leg. He pulls off my shoe and then does the same for my other leg. He then helps raise both legs onto the bed.
“Okay, now slowly lie back,” he says, placing his arm behind my back to steady me as I recline. When my head hits the pillow we are dangerously close—closer than we’ve been since we kissed.
I look at Ryan, and for a minute, he holds my stare. So many things are being said without being spoken. He breaks our stare and removes his arm from behind my head. I take his hand before he walks away.
“I love you, Ryan,” I confess.
“I love you too, Eve,” Ryan replies casually. “Now get some sleep.”
“No, Ryan. I love you, love you,” I say, looking into his eyes. I’m trying to convey my honesty, but my eyes are half shut and I’m probably slurring, so I don’t think it’s coming off as well as I hope it is.
“You’re drunk, Eve,” Ryan says.
“I’m not,” I say. “I mean, I am, but that’s not why I love you.”
“Okay. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Get some sleep.” He kisses the hand I was holding him with and leaves the room.
I don’t have time to think about what I just said. I quickly fall asleep before the room starts spinning on me again.
Chapter 38
When I emerge from my bedroom in the morning, Ryan is in his room, but the door is open and I hear him talking. I’m pretty sure I professed my love to him last night, but if he doesn’t bring it up, I plan on forgetting all about it. He could tell I was shit-faced and will assume I didn’t know what I was saying, anyway—which I didn’t. I never would have done that in a sober state.
As I approach his door, I see Ryan looking in the mirror and reciting lines. He must be getting ready for his big audition. I listen until he is done and then smile.
“You’re going to nail this audition,” I say after he finishes.
“I hope so,” he replies. “How you feeling this morning?”
“I’ve been better,” I answer. I don’t feel great, but not as bad as I expected.
Ryan smirks a little, and his eyes glitter. “Seems like you had a lot of fun after I left.”
“It was fun. But I definitely drank too much,” I add sheepishly.
Ryan’s smirk widens and he raises his brows. “Really? I didn’t notice.”
I shake my head. “Yeah. Won’t be doing that again any time soon.”
“Probably a good idea.”
“So, what time are you going?” I ask, changing the subject before he has a chance to mention what I said.
“Leaving in a few. I have to admit, I’m nervous for this one,” he confesses.
“I don’t blame you. This could be life-changing.” Even thinking of the impact this could have on Ryan’s life is bittersweet.
“Thanks. I feel much calmer now,” he jokes.
“Sorry. But you know what I mean. It’s okay to be nervous, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. They sought you out for this part, not the other way around.”
“You’re right.” Ryan lets out a breath, then smiles. “Wish me luck?”
I return his smile. “Break a leg.”
“Thanks,” he says. Then he takes his things and leaves for the audition.
I make a pot of coffee and some toast to try and settle my stomach. It’s still in knots from all the alcohol last night, and I’m also nervous for Ryan. I hope with all my heart that he nails this audition today—he deserves it. I just can’t silence the small part of me that hopes he doesn’t have to leave.
I could kick myself for telling him I love him last night. I was obviously not thinking clearly, because I still don’t know if that’s even what these feelings are.
I go back and forth in my head in the now familiar yo-yo of “do I, or do I not,” but the more I think, the more sure I am that my feelings are real. I’m only kidding myself trying to pretend they’re not.
I take a shower and muster up the energy to leave and run some errands. I’m so glad I don’t have to work today, because I don’t have it in me. I know I’ll be crashing pretty early tonight.
I don’t remember the last time I went food shopping, so I get some of the staples we need. I stop at a couple of shops and pick up some fun things, too. I haven’t bought too many things for myself since moving here, and I’ve been trying to stay within my budget. I waste a large part of the morning and early afternoon getting things done, and Ryan is home when I get back.
“How’d it go?” I ask as soon as I open the door and see him there.
“I don’t know,” he replies. I’m sure he’s been wondering the same thing all day. “I think it went well. Sarah seemed happy.”
“When will you find out?”
“Very soon. They plan to start filming before the new year. I’m not really sure what happened with the last guy, but it sounds like they’re in a scramble. Sarah is sending the audition to them now, and I should hear back… I don’t know, soon.” He sounds anxious.
“Try not to sweat it,” I advise, knowing that is not going to happen.
“I know, I’m trying,” he answers glumly.
“Wanna get some dinner?” I ask. “I could go for some Chinese.”
At this, Ryan brightens just a little. “Sure. I wouldn’t mind some take-out.”
I call and place an order and then put the groceries away. I picked up a bottle of champagne while I was out, just in case we need to celebrate. I hide it in the back of the fridge in case we don’t need it. It’s not long before delivery arrives.
We sit on the couch while we eat and watch some reality television. We don’t actually like any of these shows, but we do enjoy making fun of the “actors.” We talk a lot about what it will be like if Ryan does get the part. He’s very excited and nervous, and has a lot of mixed emotions about it. I assure him that once he knows for sure that he is going, he’ll feel much better about it all.
“I just don’t want to change,” Ryan confides in me. “I’ve seen and read about so many people who forget who they are and where they came from.”
“You’re the most honest person I know, and you have the biggest heart,” I tell him. “Nothing can take that away.”
“Thanks, Eve. I guess first I should worry about getting the part, and then I can worry about what will happen after.”
We finish dinner and clean up. The greasy take-out is exactly what I needed after last night. We curl up on separate sides of the couch and put on a movie. I fall asleep shortly after it starts. When I wake up in the middle of the night, Ryan is gone and I have a blanket over me. He takes such good care of me. How am I going to live without him again if he leaves?
I get up off the couch and go to my bedroom. I get in my bed and fall back asleep.
Chapter 39
When I wake up and leave my room, I notice Ryan isn't there. I assume he’s out for a run. I make some breakfast, do a quick workout, shower, and get dressed. I’m working the early shift at the bar today and have to leave soon. I get ready to walk out the door and decide to jot Ryan a note: “Please let me know if you hear back from casting—good luck!” I place it on the table where I know he’ll see it and leave for work.
Lunch is busy and lasts late enough to roll right into the early part of Happy Hour. I see Ken come in and pour his beer before he even sits down.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Ken says as he settles onto the bar stool, “a woman who knows what I like without even asking.”
“You never change, Ken. You make it pretty easy,” I reply with a smile. He lets me know what he wants for dinner tonight and I go put his order in.
I help the other customers that are coming in and everyone seems pleasant enough. It’s just busy enough that I can serve them and exchange some banter or ask how their day was which al
ways makes them feel comfortable sitting with me at the bar. The evening is steady, and I’m feeling pretty good when I see Ryan walk in. I wasn’t expecting him and he’s alone, so I wonder if he’s here with some news or just to blow off some steam while he waits to hear back.
“What’s up?” I ask when he sits down. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” Ryan answers blandly.
I frown. “Okay then, what can I get for you?” He doesn’t seem like himself.
“How about a glass of champagne—make it two,” he says, his face brightening and a huge smile forming.
“Champagne…? Oh, my God! You got the part!” I squeal, causing everyone at the bar to look at me.
“I got the motherfucking part,” Ryan replies proudly.
“Holy shit! Oh, my God!” I say again. “I can’t believe it. I mean, I can believe it, but I can’t believe it.” I go to the fridge and take out a bottle of Perrier Joulet, which is my favorite, but too expensive for me to be drinking normally. I pour Ryan a glass and a half-filled glass for myself. I’m not supposed to drink behind the bar, but this is one hell of a special occasion. I hand Ryan the champagne flute and hold my own up.
“To my almost-famous stepbrother. I wish you all the best. Don’t forget the little people,” I toast. We clink our glasses and take a drink. I notice Ken looking at me wondering what’s up.
“Ken, this is my friend, Ryan Macrae. Remember that name, because you’re going to be hearing it a lot.”
“Nice to meet you, Ryan. Looks like you have your first official fan,” Ken says. Ryan raises his glass to Ken, looks at me, and finishes off his drink.
Ryan briefs me on what Sarah said, but he wants to go and call everyone else and tell them he got the part. He wanted to tell me in person. He hasn’t even called our parents yet. He said he’ll tell me the rest later when we’re all together, because he is taking everyone out tonight to celebrate.
I’m thankful I have less than a couple of hours left on my shift. This is the most exciting news I’ve heard, and it’s not even mine. I’m so happy for Ryan—this is the break all of us are wishing for. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
I almost run out of the bar to get home. Ryan is there with Tony and two of his other friends I’ve met before. They all say hello, and I see by the empty beers on the table they’ve already started celebrating.
“Hurry up and get ready girl,” Tony says before I put my things down. “We’ve been waiting for you.”
“Keep it in your pants, Tony,” I reply. “I could have met you out.”
“Ryan made us wait, or we would have,” Tony answers.
“You’re so fucking sweet, Tony. You sure know how to make a woman feel special.” I roll my eyes. “Just give me a few to shower and change.”
I leave the room to pick out an outfit and bring it into the bathroom with me. No way I’m walking through here in a robe with these idiots around.
I quickly shower and dress and put on some makeup. I finish fairly fast and emerge from the bathroom to get my shoes on. I hear a whistle from one of the boys.
“Damn, girl. Maybe you and I should just stay here tonight,” Tony says.
“Not in your wildest dreams,” I reply with a laugh.
I grab a pair of heels from my closet and join the boys in the living room. “So where are we going?”
“We’re meeting at The Dive,” Ryan responds.
“Cool,” I reply, grabbing my coat. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”
We leave the building and walk to the bar. The rest of our crew and a couple of random other friends are already gathered there. They cheer and hoot when they see Ryan walk in. I’m walking behind him and notice him blush. He is immediately surrounded and met with hugs and fist pumps and lots of love from his friends, who know exactly how much this part will mean to his career. The drinks start flowing and we collectively hit the dance floor. We are in full party mode now.
The mood lasts through the night. We stay out until the wee hours of the morning for last call. I have a little buzz, but after my drunken stupor from our first celebration, I’m taking it easy. We all live fairly close to each other, so we walk home as a group, which dwindles down every time someone reaches their door. One of Ryan’s friends, Adam, is staying on our couch tonight because he’s the only one who doesn't live here and it’s too late to catch a train. The three of us turn down our block, leaving the last few to make their way home. Tara, Keira, and Jen live together, so they all go to the same place, anyway.
Ryan, Adam, and I make it up to the third floor safely, and the boys sit at the kitchen table when we get inside. I pour myself a glass of water and offer one to each of them, which they accept.
“Can you grab me another beer while you’re up?” Ryan asks.
I make a face at him. “Seriously?”
“Hell yeah. I’m not going to be able to drink like this for a long time,” he replies.
“You’re going to be shooting a movie, not going to jail,” I respond, pulling a two beers out of the fridge. I hand one to him and one to Adam.
“I have to be on good behavior. It’s part of the deal,” Ryan explains, and then takes a long swig from the bottle.
“When are you leaving?” Adam asks.
“Monday,” Ryan answers, taking another sip.
“Monday?” Adam and I repeat together.
“This coming Monday?” I ask in disbelief.
“Yup,” Ryan replies. “They want to get a bunch of screen tests and some other things done before we begin filming.” I’m sure he knows more, but seems to be having trouble recalling the technical info in his drunken state.
“When will you be back?” Adam asks. He’s sounds much cooler than I am right now. I’m panicking.
“They estimate four to five months to shoot the film, and then another four to five to edit and promote before it’s released,” Ryan advises us.
“So you’ll be gone for…” I start but Ryan finishes for me.
“Almost a year. But don’t worry, I will pay my share of the rent until you find a roommate or the lease is up.” That is the least of my concerns right now. He has no idea how my whole world is being turned upside down by all this news today.
“Of course, I won’t be shooting and promoting the entire time,” Ryan adds, “so I can come and visit...” I think he can sense my apprehension about him leaving, even though he doesn’t all his wits about him.
“That’s so awesome, man,” Adam says, shaking his head. “I’ll come visit you and you can introduce me to some hot celebrities.”
Great. Ryan’s new life will be filled with movie stars and models and all sorts of women who will want a piece of him.
“I hate to end this, guys, but I’m shot. I’m going to bed,” I announce. I can’t talk about this anymore. I don’t want to take away from Ryan’s happiness at all. As happy as I am for him, I also don’t want to lose him. Now that I know that, I can’t even tell him. This is the chance of a lifetime, and I don’t want to throw a wrench into that by professing my love. Not that he would give it up to stay with me, but I don’t need him to leave with that confession lingering between us.
I fucked up. I should have been honest with Ryan and kissed him when he dared me to that night. I guess it wouldn’t have changed things in the long run—it actually may have made things worse. But now I am bound to silence.
Chapter 40
I wake up in an awful mood. It’s hard to imagine we have less than a week together here. As I amble into the kitchen, I glance at our little Christmas tree. Ryan won’t be here to celebrate. That tree will just remain a reminder of the happiness we won’t be sharing here anymore. There’s always a chance he will come back, but if everything goes well with this movie, he will have more offers pouring in. It’s what every actor dreams of.
Ryan is still sleeping; I hear him snoring. He and Adam were up until well into the morning. I’m pretty sure Adam left and took a rush hour train home
instead of trying to sleep on our couch, because he’s gone. I can’t shake this feeling of despair, but for now I will have to bottle it up with the rest of my emotions until Ryan is gone. I don’t want him to see me like this. I need him to know I support him. I can be sad after he leaves.
I decide to put on my headphones and work out. I need a distraction from my own thoughts. I work off some of my anger, at least, and make a quick breakfast. I have to work tonight, but I have the morning and early afternoon free. I feel like I should get Ryan a gift of some sort, but I don’t really know what.
I shower, dress, and leave before he wakes up. Maybe something in one of the little boutiques will catch my eye.
I roam around the neighborhood popping in and out of shops to look around and to warm up. I don’t know what to get or why I’m out. I should be spending whatever time I can with Ryan. He doesn’t have much time left here, though, so he will probably have a lot to do—that is, once he wakes up. I think I’m in shock that he is leaving. Everything is going to change—everything.
I should have just kissed him. I should have given us a chance together. At least we would have tried to make this work, even if it would have been a short time. Now I will never know. I was so afraid to lose him, and now I am losing him anyway. I hope I can get used to life without Ryan.
I leave the boutique I’ve been wasting time in. I don’t know what to give him. I needed the kind of gift that says says, “I think I love you, but the world fucked up and made me your stepsister, and I fucked up and pushed you away.”
Sadly, I couldn’t find that on a coffee mug…
I give up and head back to the apartment. I see Ryan walking out as I near the building and walk faster. He sees me coming and slows down until we meet.
“Hey, Eve,” he greets me. Even with a raging hangover, he looks incredible.
