by Jessica Marx
I book my flight and call Ryan to give him the news. He’s so excited and starts babbling on about all the things he wants to do with me, the places he wants to take me, the people he wants me to meet. I don’t know how he plans on doing any of it while he’s working all day, but I love his enthusiasm—it’s contagious. I go along with everything he is saying and look forward to doing whatever he has planned. I’m really going there to see him so even spending some time together doing nothing would be just fine.
The exhilaration I have about going to California pushes me through the next couple of weeks. I’m happy at work and keeping busy when I’m not there. I even start looking for some auditions that I might be able to go to, it’s been way too long. I’m still getting waves of nausea and finding myself exhausted at the end of my shift, more so than usual. I can’t completely shake whatever bug I had after the new year, and it’s starting to bother me. There’s a possibility that it’s stress-related, but I just don’t know.
Ryan is concerned that I still don’t feel like myself. Each time we talk, he bugs me to get a checkup. I guess since he’s not here to take care of me, it’s all he can do to make himself feel useful. I make myself an appointment on my next day off to see the doctor. It’s been a while since my last appointment, anyway.
I still see the doctor in my hometown, so I let my mom know when I’m coming. She’s not happy that I don’t feel well, but it doesn’t sound like anything serious, and she gets to spend the day with me so she’s happy to have me in town. We make plans for her to pick me up at the train the following day so we can have lunch and then go to my appointment. I don’t have to work until the next afternoon so I plan on spending the night. Before I go to bed, I get a few things together to bring with me in the morning. I want to catch an early train tomorrow and I want to be ready to leave.
Chapter 48
I see my mother’s car when I get off the platform, “Hey, Mom,” I say as I get into her warm car.
“Hey,” she replies, leaning over to give me a kiss. She lightly touches my forehead with the back of her hand, trying to take my temperature like she did when I was a child.
“Really, Mom?” I ask with a smirk.
“Just checking,” she replies. “It’s part of my job. I guess the doctor can tell us soon enough.”
She pulls out onto the main road and we head to the doctor’s office. Mom asks about work and my new class so I fill her in on what I’ve been doing, which is not much of anything lately. She asks if I’ve heard from Ryan, and I tell her that we talk every couple of days. I see her raise her eyebrows so I try to divert her next round of questions. I quickly tell her about seeing Ryan on television New Year’s Day. My plan works and we talk about that for the last of the car ride until we reach the office.
The receptionist greets us like old friends. I started coming here when I left my pediatrician. I fill out the necessary forms, and when they call my name I go in, leaving my mother in the waiting room. I talk to the nurse and let her know what’s been going on. I tell her I think it’s stress and nerves, and she agrees that it could be, but of course we have to check—that’s what I came here for, anyway. She goes through the normal routine; taking my height and weight, getting urine and blood samples. The doctor comes in to talk to me and we go over the same information I did with the nurse. He listens to my lungs and feels my stomach. He tells me to get dressed and leaves the room for a few minutes.
I’m reading a magazine when he comes back in and sits down.
“Eve, we ran some labs on your urine. Are you aware that you’re pregnant?” he asks.
The color drains from my face. “What? H-how?”
“I’m assuming at your age, you know how,” he answers gently. “But you do seem surprised. Are you okay? Would you like me to get your mother?”
“No!” I answer quickly. “I mean, I don’t want my mother in here now. I’m very surprised.”
“Well, let me be the first to congratulate you, then,” he answers with a smile. “That seems to be the cause of your symptoms. Other than that, you’re in perfect health.”
“Thanks,” I say absently. Holy shit. This can’t be happening. There is no way—there is a way, but it can’t be. Holy shit. What am I going to do?
“Good luck, Eve,” the doctor says interrupting my thoughts, “I suggest you make an appointment with your gynecologist. Take as much time as you need in here.” He flashes me a considerate smile and leaves the room.
I start to cry. I am in complete and total shock. My head is spinning and my brain is having trouble comprehending what is happening. I can’t have a baby. I don’t even know if I can tell Ryan. I do know I can’t tell my mother the news. I need to pull myself together for now and play it cool. This is not the time, and I am definitely not in the right frame of mind. I need some time to process this.
I sit in the room for several minutes, taking deep breaths and trying to clear my head—which is proving to be impossible. I can’t focus on anything but the news I just heard. No matter how hard I try to focus on something else, the words keep playing in my head: “you’re pregnant.” I don’t want to see my mother right now, but I’m glad she’s out there waiting for me, or I would be having a full-blown panic attack. I need to act normal so she doesn’t suspect anything.
The nurse opens the door to check on me. I calmly let her know I’m leaving in a minute. I’m an actor, dammit. I’ve been studying how to act for years. I need to use every one of those skills and get through the rest of this day, or at least until I can lock myself in a room later. I splash some water on my face and towel it off. I open the door and walk out to the waiting room silently praying that I can pull this off. I say goodbye to the receptionist and my mother stands to meet me by the door.
“What’s wrong?” mom asks when we get into the hallway.
“Nothing,” I lie. “I checked out fine so the doctor agreed it’s probably just stress.”
“Are you sure?” she asks suspiciously. “You look like you’ve been crying.”
“I was, but only because I was telling the doctor why I’ve been so tense and it made me upset.”
“What could possibly have you so upset?” she asks, more concerned.
“Nothing crazy, mostly just my career, or lack of one. I really just don’t feel like talking about it anymore.” Finally, some truth. “We can talk about it another day, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure, sweetie. Whenever you’re ready,” she answers.
“Do you want to stop for some lunch, or just go home?” she asks.
“Home is fine,” I reply flatly. I wanted to have a nice day with my mother, but I’m just not up for it. I feel bad but I don’t think I can do it now.
We continue the drive home in silence. I can see my mom is upset that I’m upset, and I can’t blame her. I’ve never been the most open about my feelings, but I don’t like leaving her in the dark, either. I just can’t tell her that I’m pregnant—at least, not now. Maybe not ever.
“Mom, I promise, I’m fine,” I assure her when we pull into the driveway.
“I’m sure you are. I know you’re a strong young woman, but I’m here if you want to talk,” she says with a reassuring smile.
I lean over and hug her before we get out of the car. I’m sure talking to my mom would be helpful. She is usually understanding and level headed, but this is big. I need to think for myself before I decide to share with anyone else—even Ryan.
We walk into the house and I tell my mother I’m going to take a nap. I go up to my room, even though there’s no chance of that happening. I just need to think.
I lay on my old bed and stare at the ceiling. I cross my arms over my belly and tears fall down my face. I’m not really crying, I am numb. I am overwhelmed with the news. I don’t have a real job, I barely have a boyfriend, my parents are going to be horrified, and I have no idea what I will do with a child! If I tell Ryan, he is going to want to come back. His career literally just started, and this m
ovie may very well make him a star. I can’t take that away from him. I’m supposed be going to see him in less than two weeks. How will I hide this from him?
I’m going to have to tell Ryan when I see him. I know he will step up and do what’s right. I also know he loves me and would be thrilled at the idea of us having a child together and being a family, I just don’t think he wanted it so soon. I know I didn’t. I will have to go move to California. It will be the only way for him to keep his career and have this baby.
My entire world is being thrown upside down. I’m not sure if I can handle having a baby and raising a child. Especially if I’m living in California and my parents will be across the country. I won’t know anyone but Ryan, and he will be busy. As much as he wants me there, maybe having a baby there too will be too much for him. This child can make us a beautiful family and lifetime of happiness, or it can ruin everything. I stay in my bed, thoughts spinning through my head. I know what I have to do, but I’m terrified.
My phone buzzes and I see a text from Ryan asking if I went to the doctor yet. When we spoke yesterday, I mentioned that I had an appointment today. He’s been so worried about me. I text him back that the doctor said I was fine, I must have had a bug and added stress and I’ll be okay. Even if I’m going to tell Ryan the truth, I’m not going to do it like this. I will be there soon enough. If I want him to know, I will tell him then. He tells me to get better soon, that I can’t miss my trip to California. He has a surprise for me.
My mom knocks on the door and lets me know she made coffee if I want some; she always has coffee before she makes dinner. As much as I would like to, I can’t hide in my room forever. I get up and wash my face before going downstairs. I join mom in the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee. As I’m stirring in the milk, I wonder if I’m even supposed to drink coffee anymore. I leave the cup sitting on the counter. There is a lot I need to learn, and fast.
I put on a smile and sit at the table. We make some conversation and I tell her it’s nice to be here, and it is. I love being on my own but I also love being in the comfort of my parents’ home too. It’s been a cold and lonely month at my place.
I help my mother prepare dinner. She sneaks some random questions, trying to get a better idea of what is going on with me, but there’s nothing more I can tell her. I keep up my happy facade, even though I’m counting down until it’s late enough for me to say I’m going to bed so I can disappear into my room for the night.
Dinner is on the table when my stepfather arrives home. I tell him everything is fine when he inquires about the doctor today, and he seems pleased with my answer. He’s not as intuitive as my mother, and he didn’t see me crying. I’m sure she will tell him her concerns as soon as I’m gone. Maybe if I play my part well enough, she’ll think I feel better. I doubt it, though.
I don’t eat very much at dinner, and I can tell my mother is watching my plate. The nausea has returned, and I am very on edge, so I don’t have much of an appetite.
I help clear the table and do the dishes before excusing myself to my room. My mother looks at me with concern, but doesn’t argue. I wish I hadn't planned to sleep here ahead of time so I could go back to my apartment and be alone, but I’m not going to try and leave now. There would be too much explaining involved. I kiss my parents goodnight, walk up to my room, and shut the door behind me.
I want to scream. I’m on the verge of one of those dramatic, full-body cries that happens once in a blue moon, but I can’t have that here. I feel trapped and alone, but I don’t want to be around anyone at the same time. I lament quietly while tears streak down my cheeks. What the fuck? This is so surreal. I’m going to have a baby—Ryan’s baby. My stepbrothers baby… I know him well enough to know his reaction will be mature and sincere—I think I do, anyway. I’m so confused by everything right now.
Our relationship is real, and has been growing for so long, but us as a couple and being in love is still so new. I don’t want to try and be together and then have Ryan feel stuck because of a child. This is not how I pictured my life, my future. I haven’t even started my own career yet and now I’m going to have a child to raise.
I don’t know the first thing about babies. I’m an only child myself, and haven’t spent any time around little kids or babies. I have no clue what is involved, not with pregnancy, labor, infants, the whole thing is a mystery. I try to envision living in my apartment alone with a baby or a small child, and I can’t. I will need help and support. I’m sure my mother will give me all that, but I don’t know what my stepfather’s reaction will be. He tends to be very judgmental when it comes to the boys I date. He’s come a long way, but finding out his son knocked up his stepdaughter is going to be a big pill to swallow.
I do the math again in my head and determine I’m about five weeks pregnant. I still have time before I will start showing and have to tell everyone. Ryan has to be the first to know. Once we decide what to do, then I can tell everyone else. I just can’t let him ruin his career. I can’t have that on my shoulders and he will never get a chance like this again. You have to strike while the iron is hot in this business and if he turns away now, there will be no going back.
This whole train of thought has me sicker to my stomach, more so than I’ve been. At least I haven’t been throwing up, only feeling like I’m going to.
I get under the covers and curl up, wrapping my hands over my belly again. I know this can be a wonderful thing, but the timing and the circumstance is just so wrong.
I hear my phone buzz and see Ryan is calling me, but I can’t talk to him now. It’s going to be hard to keep this from him, but I have to for now. I have to get more comfortable with the idea myself before I present it to him, and it has to be face to face.
Chapter 49
I join my parents for breakfast before I leave to go back to my apartment. I’m not hungry, but have some toast and a little coffee to appease my mother. I don’t want her to worry that something is wrong. I smile when I say goodbye, give her a big hug, and assure her that I am fine. My stepfather gives me a ride to the train station and I am back in my apartment before noon.
I stop at the drug store and pick up a pregnancy test before I go back to my apartment. I need to see for myself. Maybe the doctor was wrong and I’m worrying about nothing. I get home, put my things down, and go straight into the bathroom to take the test. It barely takes two minutes for the line to appear—it’s positive. I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t be, but I had a little hope. I start to cry again.
I collapse onto the couch. I’ve been holding it in since yesterday and it is such a relief to just let it go. I’m not just sad, I’m angry and confused and frustrated. I kick the coffee table in front of me and then hug my knees to my chest and cry some more. Getting a major role in a movie is life-changing. Finding out you’re pregnant is life-changing, too, but they’re two totally different kinds of changes. I won’t have time now to even begin my career. My life will be all about this child.
I continue to cry and let myself be upset until I calm down enough to think rationally. I need to make some decisions with a clear head. I’ll do some research online to get some info about being pregnant, then the first thing I need to do is see an OB/GYN to get checked out and make sure everything is okay. Once I do that, I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I can’t live here. I can’t be walking up three flights of stairs every day, not when I’m very pregnant, and not with a baby and all the fun accessories they come with. I’m going to have to stay with my parents, which means I’m also going to have to tell them. I have to tell Ryan first, though. Oh my God, this is crazy.
I finally stop crying and switch into “action” mode. I can be sad and angry, but I also need to get things done. I look online for some ratings and find a doctor near my apartment to make an appointment with. If I’m not going to tell anyone yet, I can’t be going back home and having my mother take me to the doctor. I call the office that appears to be the best choice and mak
e an appointment. I stay on my computer and look up random facts and information about pregnancy and my body, and all the important stuff that I should probably be aware of.
I’m going to have to make so many changes, and there won’t be a way to hide this forever. I don’t know how I am going to do that, anyway. I really need to talk to someone—as much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I’ve been keeping too many secrets lately and the stress and anxiety of it all is too much for me, and I’m sure too much for the baby, as well.
I think about it for a while and come to the decision that I will tell Tara. I need to talk it through with her. Maybe she can give me some advice or help or just listen so I can get all these secrets off my chest. I feel bad not telling Ryan or my mother first, but I’m desperate right now. I can’t wait until I get to California, and I can’t tell my mother until he knows and we have some sort of plan. I think it’s the best decision for now.
I have to work tonight, so I send Tara a text and ask if she wants to have coffee tomorrow. She agrees so we pick a place and plan to meet. I save some of the web pages I had been looking at and copy down the doctor’s info. I get in the shower and get ready for my shift. I realize while I’m getting ready that bartending is something else I won’t be able to do while I’m pregnant. I’ll put that on the list of things in my life that are going to change.
Ken is at the bar when I arrive. I haven’t seen him in a while and he’s all smiles and full of his usual wise cracks and one liners. I put on my best act and smile along with him, acting as if nothing is wrong.
