by Jessica Marx
“You look different, Eve,” he says when I hand him his second beer.
I immediately put my hands on my belly. It’s not any bigger, but my response was automatic.
“I don’t think you gained weight,” Ken says, laughing at my reaction. “You look beautiful, as always.”
That’s all that was said about it, but I see I’m obviously self-conscious about it already. I might have to go back to hiding in my apartment and avoiding contact with my friends and family until I’m ready to come out and tell everyone.
The rest of the night goes on in usual fashion, a little less crowded than we’ve been because of the time of year. Ken says goodnight and it was actually nice to see him. He’s an acquaintance, not really a friend, so the only things he knows about me are what I choose to share. It’s nice to have someone like that in my life.
I get home pretty late and I’m exhausted. I have to work again tomorrow night which I’m dreading now—I’m just so tired. I get right into bed and fall fast asleep. After work and two days of crying and thinking, it’s exactly what I need.
I feel somewhat better the next morning, but not great. I’m nauseous when I wake up again and still a little tired. I’m meeting Tara in a couple of hours so I have some tea and take my time getting dressed and ready to go. I bundle up because it’s still so cold out and walk the short distance to the café that’s between our apartments. Tara is already there waiting for me.
“Hey, girl!” she says excitedly, giving me a hug.
“Hey,” I reply. I’m anxious about our meeting, but I’m not sure if she notices.
The hostess seats us and we order drinks. I get another cup of tea. My stomach is still a little upset and I’m cold from my walk. I ask Tara what’s new with her. Other than the couple of classes we took together, we haven’t spent much time together at all. She tells me about the audition she went on and hopes to snag, and also about a date she went on last night that was awful. I feel bad because I’m only partially listening. I keep thinking about what I’m going to say when it’s my turn to talk.
“So, what’s up with you?” Tara asks. It’s such a simple question, but I’m having a hard time coming up with an answer.
“Not much,” I say with a shrug.
“Is it weird with Ryan gone? How’s he doing?”
“It’s a little strange. He says he’s doing really well. He’s loving California and says his costars are great.”
“Is that who he was partying with on New Year’s Eve? I wonder if he hooked up with any famous actresses,” Tara says, caught up in the Hollywood drama as usual.
This is starting to get awkward for me, I need to take control of the conversation. “I don’t think so. I mean, I hope not.”
“What do you mean?” Tara asks anxiously. She can tell I’m holding back.
“Well, Ryan and I are kind of in a relationship,” I say. “I mean, I don’t know what we are. He called me his girlfriend. He wants me to come to California. It’s just so weird.”
“What?” Tara asks incredulously. “When did this happen?”
“Right before he left. He told me he loved me, and I think I love him,” I answer more freely now.
“I knew it!” she cries. “I always knew you guys would hook up! You and your stepbrother! So scandalous! This is Cruel Intentions sexy. I love it.”
I smile wanly. “Yeah. It’s great, I guess. The timing is terrible though. We realized we are in love, and then he left.”
“You should go to California, Eve. Why not? It would be amazing.”
“I’m going to visit, but I don’t know, it’s just so soon. He has so much going on, and I don’t want to feel like I’m just there to tag along,” I tell her.
“I think he would be happy to have you there. It’s so obvious that he always loved you.”
“There’s more,” I say after a time. “Tara, we did something so stupid.”
“Did you elope?” she asks.
“No,” I pause. “I’m pregnant.”
There it is. I said it out loud. It is officially true, and someone else knows. I can breathe a little easier already. Tara just stares at me. I think she might be in shock, just like I was when I heard.
“Holy shit,” she finally says. “What did Ryan say?”
“I haven’t told him yet. I haven’t told anyone yet. I just found out two days ago. I’ve been so upset and scared. I had to tell someone, but I didn’t want to tell him over the phone.” I’m talking fast, trying to get everything off my chest.
“Holy shit,” Tara says again. “What are you going to do? Girl you better be keeping the baby…”
“I’m keeping it. I made an appointment to see the doctor, and I’ll take it from there. I will be in California in a couple of weeks and I’ll tell Ryan then. You can’t tell anyone. Not yet. I have to tell Ryan, first.”
“Of course,” she assures me. “This is crazy, Eve. I did not expect to be having this conversation today, especially not with you.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t really a planned event,” I answer drily.
“Well, congratulations,” Tara says. “How are you? How do you feel? I have so many questions…”
I fill her in on how I’ve been feeling and what I know so far, which isn’t much. I tell her about a lot of what I’ve been thinking and how I’m going to see Ryan. I expect him to be shocked but okay about the news, and she agrees, although you never know in situations like this. I also haven’t seen him in over a month, at this point, so I don’t know what he has going on that he hasn’t told me about.
I’m glad I opened up to Tara. It feels so good to get all of this off my chest and actually talk to someone about it. I feel better knowing that she agrees with a lot of my thoughts and can help me rationalize everything.
We spend almost two hours at the café together. Tara promises she will keep my secret for now, and whatever I need, she will help me. She’s going to come to my first appointment with me for support, which means the world to me. It will be much easier having someone by my side, even if it’s not Ryan.
We hug goodbye and Tara squeezes me. “I promise everything will work out. Thank you for telling me. Next time, don’t wait so damn long.”
“Thank you for being such a good friend,” I reply.
We leave and go our separate ways, and I walk home feeling like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. When I get home, I text her the doctor appointment info so she can make herself available to come. I thank her again and then get ready for work again tonight.
Chapter 50
I work through the weekend and spend my free time sleeping. Every time I speak to Ryan, I want to tell him, but I can’t. Things are going well between us, and this long-distance relationship we’ve formed seems to be working out. We’re both looking forward to my trip to California, which is just over a week away. I can’t wait to see him, and he’s excited to show me around and introduce me to everyone he’s met. I really hope he takes the news of my pregnancy as well as I expect him to.
Tara comes with me to my doctor’s appointment. The staff there is super friendly and happy about pregnancy and babies, which is a good thing, considering it’s their job. They are warm and welcoming and make me feel good about my situation even more by not judging me. I’m single and here with a friend, which doesn’t seem so much like the norm around here.
The doctor is pleasant. She does an ultrasound and informs me that I’m just about seven weeks along. Tara and I are both enchanted by the sound of the heartbeat; this is so new to both of us. I’m still filled with a lot of fear and doubt, but hearing the heartbeat and knowing there is really a little life growing inside me makes me think it will all be worth it.
I wish my mother was here to share in the joy I’m now feeling. I think once she gets over the surprise of it all, she’ll be delighted to know she’s going to be a grandma. I hope my stepfather will get on board with the rest of us and share in the happiness, but it may take him a while. I’m anxio
us to tell Ryan. It’s too bad I don’t have a recording of this to show him.
I make my next appointment before I leave. Tara and I go to the diner after to have some lunch and talk. She is thrilled and already calling herself “auntie.” I wish she could be there when I tell Ryan. Tara is much more emotional than me in general, and her feelings about this baby are contagious. I’m actually thinking of taking her with me when it’s time to tell my parents, but I don’t think they would appreciate her knowing before them.
We finish our lunch and I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t have to work today, so I run a couple of errands on my way back to the apartment. I plan on staying home and not doing much of anything. Since I’m in an unusually good mood, I call my mother to talk to her. I’ve been so down, and I know she’s worried about me. I’m sure she will appreciate hearing me in good spirits, and she does.
We talk for a while and I let her know I’m working a lot before I leave for California so I probably won’t see her. I could really take the time to visit, but I don’t want to see her or my stepfather until I’m ready to tell them the news. I hate lying to them.
I breeze through the rest of the week; working and sleeping and getting ready for my trip. Ryan sends me texts throughout each day, making me smile. He’s eager to see me and says he has a surprise—little does he know, I have a bigger one in store for him.
Chapter 51
I’m packed and ready to go. I didn’t get any sleep last night because I’m so filled with emotion. I’m so excited to see Ryan—it’s been so long. We barely had any time together after we declared our love, and I long to be with him. I’m also terrified to tell him I’m pregnant. I haven’t figured out how to work that into a conversation yet. I’m counting on my instincts being right and him being happy about it. I’m hoping for the best.
I call my parents on the way to the airport to let them know I’m leaving and say goodbye. Then I send Tara a text and she wishes me luck. I also text Ryan and let him know I’m getting closer. He sends me back some smiley face and heart emojis. The driver helps me unload my suitcase and I get my luggage checked in. I have some time to kill so after I get through security I walk around to pick up snacks and something to read.
I’m thumbing through some magazines and a photo catches my eye. I stop cold and as I read the blurb I feel the color drain from my face. My body goes numb and I stand there frozen with my gaze locked on the page. I’m staring at a full page photo of Ryan and Calista James, one of Hollywood’s hottest actresses, and Ryan’s costar in the movie. They’re standing outside what looks like a restaurant and she is snuggled up against him. The article says they’ve been seen “canoodling” around town together and we should “look out for this hot new couple.”
Tears start running down my cheeks. I feel sick to my stomach, much sicker than I have felt in a long time. I make a move to leave the shop and the clerk stops me because I’m still holding the magazine and a bag of chips I haven’t paid for. Annoyed, I go to the counter and pay for the magazine. I can’t leave it there, I need to keep it so I have proof—proof of what a fool I am. Evidence of how stupid I have been thinking Ryan was going to wait for me. A reminder for the future when I’m raising a child alone while it’s father is canoodling his way through Hollywood’s newest and hottest girls of the month.
I don’t know who the bigger asshole is, me or Ryan. He’s been stringing me along, lying to me, making me feel like I’m the only woman in his life—telling me I’m the only girl he needs. I’m such and idiot for believing him. I should have realized that once he left New York and his friends to start living his new life as a movie star, he would change, just like he was afraid he would. What a dick. Here I am, pregnant and on my way to fly across the country to see him, and he’s been playing me for weeks.
I walk back through the terminal to where I checked in and let the attendant know I won’t be able to get on my flight due to an “emergency.” They will do what they can, but most likely, I will have to wait for my bag to be shipped back to New York once it gets to California, or something like that. I’m barely listening and I don’t really care right now. I walk back out into the cold and hail a cab. I’m still crying, but I’m also fuming with anger. I’m mad at Ryan, and even madder at myself. I let my guard down, I let him in, I was convinced what we had was real, but all of it was a joke.
I hail a cab back to Manhattan and seethe in the back seat the whole way home. The more I think about it, the more furious I become. I’m glad I never told Ryan I was pregnant. I have no clue what would have happened if I did. He might have strung me along the same way to make me feel better or to be a “man” about it, but nothing would have changed. I wouldn’t want it to anyway. I wouldn’t need him to be with me because we are having a baby if he isn’t in love with me. Fuck him. What a dick.
I storm up the stairs to my apartment and pace around. My anger begins to combine with sadness again as I think of everything I had planned for us. I had visions of our future together with this child and they were beautiful. Now, he won’t be a part of that picture—ever. Not after this. I’m going to be raising a child, alone, because I was naive enough to believe Ryan would be my knight in shining armor. I thought he would be my happily ever after, but this ending is a nightmare.
Ryan has always been honest and open. I never had reason to doubt anything he said; I trusted him. I’m glad my acting career is coming to an end before it begins. If Hollywood can change someone like Ryan, I wouldn’t stand a chance.
I curl up on the couch and cry some more. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Ryan has no idea I’m not on the plane and no one else knows I’m still here. I could call Tara but I don’t want to, not yet. I want to be sad, I want to get mad, I want to scream. I spend the entire day in my apartment on an emotional roller coaster.
My phone rings in the evening. It’s Ryan, and there is no way I’m answering. He leaves a voicemail and I don’t bother listening, I know he’s looking for me. It’s a little later than my arrival time, so I’m sure he’s wondering why I didn’t get off the plane. He sends a text next asking where I am. I don’t bother answering that, either. I have nothing nice to say, and I’m too upset to talk. He’s been playing me long enough, he can have a taste of his own medicine.
A dozen texts and calls, and about two hours later, I give in. I reply to his texts with one response, a photo of the magazine page. I don’t comment, I don’t engage him, just the picture. Then I turn off my phone.
When it starts to get late, I force myself to go to sleep. I have nothing to do for the next two weeks, but I sure can’t spend my time like this. I’ll have to think of something. I’ll also have to make new plans for my immediate future. I’m not showing yet, but I will be soon. I’m going to have to tell people something, and I prefer it not be the truth. I don’t need everyone knowing how foolish I am. I need a new plan.
Chapter 52
I turn my phone back on the following afternoon to make a call to work and there are a ridiculous amount of texts and calls from Ryan. I scroll through but I already knew what they would say: it’s not true, we’re not together, blah, blah, blah. They look way too cozy in that photo for two friends. I put the magazine away for now so I can stop torturing myself by continuing to look at it. For a moment I feel bad that I’m making Ryan suffer like this, but I don’t let myself. I’m here, pregnant and alone. I should not be feeling bad for his stupid mistake.
I call my manager and leave a message that I’m still in town, in case there are any shifts I can pick up. I text my mom that I’m still in New York. I lie and say Ryan had a change of plans and is going to be shooting somewhere else, so I’m going to go to California a different time. I don’t know how I’m going to explain that one, which is why I sent it in a text. I start to call Tara and then stop myself. I will have to tell her what happened, I’ll call her later. I’m not in the mood to retell the story just yet.
Before it gets late, I go to the grocery store and
get a few things. I don’t have much, since I wasn’t planning on being here for a while, and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Ryan has continued to text and call me, about every hour or so, but I have no interest in talking to him. I get the things I need, pick up a few movies to watch, and head back home.
I heat up some dinner and watch a movie. It works as a temporary distraction, and it’s nice to have my mind on something else, for a change. A drink would be nice right about now, but that’s not happening. Tara calls when I’m about halfway through, but I don’t answer. I’m taking the night off from my own drama. I must fall asleep on the couch just before the movie ends and slip into a much needed deep sleep. I wake in the morning to the sound of the door buzzer.
Tara is here. Under normal circumstances she would not stop by unexpectedly, but then again, she may have called or texted me again while I was sleeping. I stretch and get off the couch to let her in. I try to fix myself a bit—even without looking in a mirror I know I must look like a hot mess. I guess it doesn’t matter. She’s seen me look worse.
I open the door to let Tara in. She takes a look at me, then takes a look at the mess on my coffee table from dinner last night, and the blanket on the couch before walking all the way in.
“What the fuck is going on?” she asks without saying hello. Her tone is more concerned than nasty.
“What do you mean?” I ask stupidly—obviously there is something wrong. I’m here and not in California.
“Seriously?” she replies. “Why didn’t you tell me you were here? I thought you were gallivanting around town with Ryan—in California. He called me going out of his mind and I didn’t even know you were here. You have us worried sick.”
