It's Not Christmas Without You (The Holloway Series)

by Dimon, HelenKay

  But he knew what happened when a woman craved something bigger, something better, than the man who slept beside her. She’d leave and run. He’d already lived that story. His mother taught him that hard lesson when she cut out and never bothered to call. Carrie had been warning him she saw a dead future like her mother’s if she didn’t explore now. He didn’t believe the theory then but now he did.

  The sharp pain ripped through his chest. He had to close his eyes and clench his jaw to keep from shouting.

  “Austin?” Panic showed in her wide eyes and played in the shock in her voice as she shoved his shirt aside and ran her hands over him. “Are you hurt?”

  “I’m fine.” Dying inside, but fine on the outside.

  “You’re pale. Maybe you’ve been outside in the cold too much.” When he frowned, more words rushed out of her. “I know you’re an outside guy, but you are a man. You can get sick like regular humans.”

  “I wanted to be enough for you.”

  There, he’d said it. She acted like she was on the verge of calling an ambulance or giving him mouth-to-mouth, and he spilled his big secret. He couldn’t imagine what else could go wrong.

  She definitely heard his big admission because her hands froze still wrapped in his shirt. “What?”

  This was the last conversation he wanted to have with her. It should have meant something that he’d never have to do it again, but it didn’t. “I wanted to mean more than the job.”

  “You do.”

  He didn’t. Any idiot could see that. She walked away from him not the job offer. He made her choose but he’d kept thinking he could find the right words to change her mind back.

  He’d run through the options in his head so many times. There were ways to make the distance work. Not perfect ways, but options. Holloway and her apartment sat two hours apart. Not an impossible gap to bridge.

  But distance wasn’t their issue. She wanted something and it wasn’t him. Yeah, she loved him and liked being with him. He knew that wasn’t enough. Thanks again, Mother, for that hard lesson.

  “Since Spence covered for me last night, I need to be on the lot first this morning and do all the crap jobs.” Austin shifted her off his lap and stood up.

  She stopped him from walking away by grabbing on to the ends of his shirt. “You’ve changed. There’s something else going on here.”

  He sure as hell had. “Just an early riser.”

  “Austin.”

  He leaned down and kissed her, letting his lips linger over hers. When he lifted his head he could barely speak. “I love you.”

  The sweet smile matched the sudden wetness of her eyes. “I love you too.”

  The pain inside him ran rampant now, shredding everything it touched. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you.”

  Her eyes got all soft. “You know how to steal a girl’s heart.”

  “I will always love you. No matter what or how many years pass.”

  She brushed the back of her fingers over his cheek. “I believe you.”

  He turned his head and kissed her palm. “Go back to bed.”

  When she got up again, he’d be gone.

  Austin’s bedroom scene played on Carrie’s mind all day. She’d tried texting him and calling, but he didn’t respond. After all that racing after her, all those plans and the plotting, he seemed to being playing hard to get. Not exactly his style and not her favorite game. And she planned to tell him that.

  Playing on the goodwill from the successful party, she was able to sneak away from work early. She got to the lot shortly before two. The crowds had thinned, which was to be expected for the middle of the work week even if Christmas was only three days away.

  Spence stepped in front of her, peeling off his gloves as he did. “For the record, you’ve been here thirteen days in a row and haven’t bought a tree.”

  “I’m still deciding.”

  He slapped his gloves against his thigh. “Do it quick since this is my last day here.”

  “What are you talking about?” She noticed his usual smile had been replaced with dark circles under his eyes and the urge to laugh at his joke passed.

  “I’m packing up so I’m home and settled in by Christmas Eve.”

  All the lightness washed out of her. She’d been so happy last night, this morning. Now anxiety churned hard enough in her stomach to make her worry about losing her breakfast.

  “Where’s Austin?”

  Spence looked past her. “He took the first batch of trees and some supplies home.”

  “He didn’t tell me that.”

  “Far as I can tell he only made the decision this morning.”

  “Is he coming back?” She grabbed Spence’s arms and squeezed until he looked at her. “Answer me.”

  “I’ll admit I’m confused here. I thought you wanted him to give up and go away.”

  Her breathing roared in her ears. “I want him with me. That was the point of last night.”

  “Interesting.”

  Spence’s man-of-few-words thing was ticking her off. He had to see that she teetered on the edge here. “What is so damn interesting?”

  “Well, seems Austin learned something different from your evening.” Spence’s hard eyes softened as he peeled her fingers off his arms. “He’s already on the way home, Carrie. He plans on staying there.”

  No, no, no. “What?”

  “You won.”

  “How can you say that?” Spence’s words were too awful for her to answer in anything more than a whisper.

  “You told him—”

  She willed him to understand. “That was days ago. Not now.”

  “Look, he gets it. At least, he finally did. Your life is here. His is there.”

  The pounding in her head threatened to pummel her into the ground. “I love him.”

  “You’re not the first woman to love him and leave him.”

  “Who—” The words cut off as soon as the answer blew into her brain. “Your mom?”

  “I wanted you two to make it. I really did. I think of you as a sister. Always have. And believe me, he’s going to be a piece of shit for months over this.” The words were rusty, as if it hurt Spence to say them.

  “You’re worried he’s going to drink again.” She piled that concern on top of all the others racing through her mind.

  Spence’s eyebrow lifted. “You know about that?”

  “I do now.”

  “Don’t think about it. I’ll take care of him.” He kissed her cheek then turned away. “You go live your life.”

  “What if I want a life with Austin?” She shouted the question.

  Spence didn’t answer at first. He stood there with his back to her. “This time you’ll have to do the chasing.”

  “What does that mean?”

  He eyed her over his shoulder. “I think you know.”

  She somehow got across the street and back to her apartment. She didn’t remember taking the steps or walking through the snow but her damp hair told her she did. Her body had gone numb and her mind spun in so many directions that she couldn’t grab on to a thought and hold it. After fumbling with her key, she got the door open.

  The lights caught her attention first. There, right in front of her window, was the perfect four-foot tree. Full and bright green with a fresh pine scent that filled her apartment, wrapped in those tiny white star lights she loved so much.

  Her feet echoed on the hardwood floor as she moved across the room, not quite sure what she was seeing. Her fingers traced the familiar red ball with her name on it in script. She saw the angel Austin bought her years ago and the doves her mom had crafted. Every ornament that meant something to her hung on the tree.

  Carrie knew the truth then. Her mother had refused to part with them, but Austin got them away from her.

  Austin. Her gaze went to the folded white card sticking out of the branches. She’d recognize his bold print anywhere.

  I hope your dreams come true. Merry Christmas
.

  She turned the card over, hoping for something. No claims of love and nothing else. Not even a signature.

  Life sparked back into her body. Fury did that to a woman. If the man thought he was going to dump her at Christmas and make it all better with a beautiful tree, he was dead wrong. And good thing he did leave because if she got her hands on him right now, he might just be dead.

  She just hoped the party she’d put together was good enough to earn her another day off. Because she had some unfinished business in Holloway.

  Chapter Twelve

  Austin stood at the far end of the property and let the snow dance all around him. Big wet flakes stuck to his jacket and coated his hair as it piled around his feet. Still, he didn’t move. His focus centered on the sway of the trees and peaceful sounds of the thick woods.

  It was noon on Christmas Eve but the puffy gray clouds shut out all the light until the day resembled early evening. He kicked the snow off his boots only to see it accumulate again. The weather folks predicted nine more inches by Christmas morning. Good thing he planned to stay right here, on his land and away from people, for days. Maybe months. And he didn’t rule out the possibility of years. He wouldn’t be the first old guy in Holloway fumbling around his house and talking to himself.

  He’d been home two days without any word from Carrie. Not that he expected or deserved one, but he thought maybe the tree would at least get a thank you and maybe an agreement about how they could stay away from each other for the sake of the people they cared about.

  He wasn’t interested in her friendship and didn’t think he could stand being near her and not touch her. But Mitch had been his best friend since high school. They played football together and worked every day in the same office. Engaging in open warfare with his sister could mean losing both of them, and Austin couldn’t stand that possibility.

  The engine rattle of the old truck they kept for farm errands sounded behind him on the rock-and-mud trail. Not a surprise. Spence had said something about hunting him down after an hour. Since everything would soon be slick and impassable except by utility vehicles, it made sense the rescue party headed out. Spence sometimes took the big brother thing too seriously.

  Not that Austin was looking for brotherly bonding. The icy wind fit his mood. Wrapped in a thick jacket, he felt nothing. He hadn’t experienced a single sensation since the morning he left Carrie. He functioned, brushed his teeth and walked around, but the dark emptiness inside him refused to go away.

  The truck stopped a good ten feet behind him. Austin waited for the slam of a door and Spence’s yelling. The man had no idea how to coax and convince. He went right to threatening. Any other time Austin would appreciate the concern. Not now.

  He turned around to wave Spence off. Then he saw her. Carrie, sitting in the front seat, leaning over the steering wheel and staring at him through the soft thwack of the windshield wipers.

  He shook his head. When her image refused to leave his brain, he closed his eyes. Opening them again, he saw the door open and a woman’s boot slide out of the car.

  She jumped into the snow from the high seat, wearing those tight jeans and the puffy jacket he loved so much. Something about the outfit reminded him of the easier times together on the farm, back before the rest of the world invaded.

  “I’ve got a question for you.” She didn’t wait for him to talk. “What kind of a man makes love to a woman then leaves her the next morning without even saying goodbye?”

  “I wrote you a note.” He said the words without thinking.

  They made her snort. “That was a Christmas card, the kind of thing you’d send your great aunt or a business associate. Not the appropriate way to communicate with your girlfriend.”

  His mind rejected the word. He still couldn’t believe she even stood in front of him. “My what?”

  “I expect an apology.” She lifted her hand from where it was tucked in her back pocket and pointed at him. “And a good one. Not the ‘mistakes were made’ boy type. Like, down on your knees begging my forgiveness. Even then I plan to make you grovel a bit.”

  None of this made sense. He’d finally set her free and yet she stood four feet away. “Why are you here?”

  “Why do you think?”

  He finally looked at her. Really looked. Behind all the bluster and the rosy cheeks, he saw wariness. Her usual spunk took a backseat to something else. The drawn face, the flat lips. He recognized the signs of a person who was barely existing because that’s all he had done since leaving her.

  “If you had stuck around we could have talked this out.” She took two steps forward.

  He fought the urge to keep space between them. “We’ve done that a million times. You said what you wanted and I finally listened.”

  “Leave it to you to start paying attention at the wrong moment.”

  Was she smiling? “I don’t understand.”

  “Obviously.”

  She took that final step to eliminate the gap between them. This close he could reach out and touch her hair. He clenched his hands at his sides to keep that from happening.

  “I told you I wanted to take the museum job because I didn’t want to end up like my mom, all disenchanted and full of regrets.”

  That familiar pain throbbed in his chest. What he’d feared was a heart attack was really heart break. Seeing Carrie and reliving it all…he couldn’t take it.

  “I can’t do this with you again. I admitted I messed up and now I’m trying to give you the space you asked for. You deserve at least that much.” He barely had the strength to talk. And seeing her there on his turf pushed the last hold on his control right to the brink.

  When he would have preserved what little was left of his dignity and turned away, she put her hands on his chest. “You’re only half-right.”

  “You lost me.” Hell, he could barely concentrate with her standing so close.

  “When I gave you that explanation about Mom, I missed something very important about us.”

  Between the layers of clothes and gloves, the weight of her hands pressed into him. “What?”

  “While I was busy worrying about becoming my mom, something else was happening. Something just as strong and emotionally devastating. You were convinced I was becoming your mom.” Sadness filled her eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it before now. I knew all about your past but I didn’t take a second to think it through and realize how you saw our relationship.”

  He refused to be a victim of his past. His mother left and he moved on. His dad filled all the roles, made everything right. “I took my mother out of my life a long time ago.”

  “But not out of your heart.” Carrie took her glove off and slowly unzipped his jacket just far enough to slip her hand inside. The warmth seeped right into his heart. “What she did to you shaped you. She hurt you and even now you pretend not to grieve.”

  “I’m a grown man.”

  “And you see me reaching for something and are convinced I’ll pick that dream over you and leave.”

  “You did.” He wanted to call back the words as soon as they slid out.

  “And it was the right decision but not the whole decision.”

  As gently as possible, he touched her hand and pulled it away from him. The harsh rip of the zipper sounded through the woods as he dressed again, creating at least a symbolic barrier. “Okay, I have to go.”

  “Listen to me.” Carrie laid her hands against his cheeks. The bare palms flat against his cold skin. “This time I’m the one fighting for us.”

  That’s all he ever wanted, for her to care as much as he did. “Okay.”

  “I brought you to that party because I needed you to see me as a whole person and understand the place my work has in my life.”

  “I get it.” The truth had slammed into him like a body blow and he still hadn’t recovered from it.

  “But you don’t see that there’s a place for everything. That the job is what I do, but you are part of who I am.
The best part. I didn’t even realize I was bumping along, going from home to work and blocking out everything else, until you swooped into D.C. and found me.”

  This time he let her see the need inside, let it seep out of him. “I was desperate to see you again.”

  “I thought we were finally on the same wavelength and you ran.”

  An unexpected rush of heat returned to his body, forcing him to defend his actions. “I didn’t run.”

  “You left me, which is okay because it was your turn.”

  “Meaning?”

  “I left you several times, all for the right reasons, but still in the wrong way. I apologize because I now know how much it sucks.” She stretched up and rubbed her cheek against his. “I’m so sorry. Please know that even as I fought you I never stopped loving you and wanting us to find a way back to each other.”

  He wanted to believe, to give life to the flicker of hope inside him, but she didn’t understand. He needed her to know he’d given her the room she begged for. “I didn’t leave D.C. to punish you. I was setting you free.”

  “I don’t want to be free from you.”

  His breath hiccupped in his lungs. “You don’t?”

  “We can figure out the distance and keep two places.”

  Hope burst to life inside him. “We’ll go back and forth. I can find some work in the D.C. area and you can come to Holloway on the weekends. I don’t even care if I do all of the commuting.” God, he just wanted a chance to prove to her they could make it work.

  She nodded as she pulled his face closer. “It’s not perfect, but we’ll figure it out and come up with something long-term. I know we can. The logistics were never the issue. Respecting and trusting each other were. It took us until now to get there.”

  Doubts crept in, pushing out everything else. He’d lived with them for years but never mentioned them. With the door open he had to drag them out and face them. “What happens when you want the job or a life in D.C. more? I want to lie and tell you I could become a city boy, but we both know that’s not me. For a short time, but not forever.”