Colin Meets an Emu

by Merv Lambert

  Whilst running between the wickets he explained that he had captured Abbot Abbott, who had caused the outlaws so much trouble.

  Suddenly a loud voice rang out. “Ho! Ho! What have we here? Methinks ‘tis a strange new sport.” One of the outlaws had removed the blindfold.

  “All right, Bot-Bot, you can bat,” laughed Robin.

  Soon Abbot Abbott was hitting the ball well. For a fat man he was surprisingly light on his feet, but he did not bother to run between the wickets. After twenty minutes he decided to have a rest. He had very quickly picked up how the game was played. Sweat was running down his brow, but he was grinning from ear to ear, sitting drinking a tankard of mead offered to him by Marion.

  “That was exceedingly good, Robin. If you will let me free, as I’m sure you will, I will challenge you to a game between my men and yours. It will be an excuse for a feast.”

  “Well…” Robin was not sure.

  “Oh and it could be at the Abbey Meadow. How about the day after tomorrow? And I will arrange the feast afterwards. What say you? I will tell my men to make stumps and bats, and I will show them how to play. It seems quite easy.” He paused with an enquiring smile on his chubby face.

  The outlaws were charmed by Bot-Bot’s sunny personality. Even Little John smiled his approval. Then Marion had an idea. “We could challenge you every summer. The winner of the game could have a prize.”

  “Really?” Olivia was not as trusting as the rest. Colin, however, felt the bookmark pulse reassuringly in his pocket. He winked at Olivia, who smiled uncertainly back.

  Abbot Abbott sat there beaming expectantly and looking around at all the faces of the outlaws.

  Marion was hopping up and down excitedly. “Oh, go on, Robin,” she cried.

  Robin made up his mind. “Agreed,” he said. “The prize will be a silver chalice, which I am sure I can purchase from someone, who lives nearby.”

  Colin whispered to Olivia, “That’ll be his grandma. She is a fence too.”

  Then, as always in Colin’s adventures, time seemed to pass very quickly and the weather remained fine. On the morning of the match it was hot and sunny. Robin’s team of cricketers, including Marion and Olivia, who were two of the quickest players, set out on foot to walk the three miles to the abbey at Carlton Cragg. Sammy scampered along with them.

  When they arrived, Abbot Abbott came out to greet them and led them to the Abbey Field, where stumps had already been set up in the short grass. The scene was picturesque. Tall trees surrounded the meadow. At one end Bot-Bot had put up a large tent with seats for the teams, and a monk stood ready to serve refreshments. Robin placed the small silver chalice he had bought from his grandmother, via Lucius Silver of course, on a table just inside the entrance.

  “Don’t worry. Nobody will steal it,” grinned Abbot Abbott. “They wouldn’t dare.”

  The match began and was quite jolly and uneventful. The abbot’s team batted first. It was quite funny seeing two monks in their brown robes running between the wickets. Olivia and a monk called Friar Balsam were keeping the score. Nobody had scored more than 20, when Bot-Bot came in to bat. Whereas wicket-keeper Friar Tuck was so wide that nothing could get past him, the abbot was equally wide, and so the ball never got past the wicket. With mighty swings of his bat Bot-Bot soon reached 50. Little John shook his head in amazement, as his fastest deliveries were hit to the boundaries. As before, Bot-Bot did not bother to run between the wickets. He did not need to. However, his side was all out, when he ran out of partners. He had scored 84 out of his team’s total of 159.

  As they trooped into the tent Robin remarked,” Thou played well, Bot-Bot. Methinks we should now call you Bat-Bat!”

  Abbot Abbott laughed. He looked at the chalice. “That will soon be mine,” he boasted merrily.

  When it was Robin’s turn to bat, he made 21 runs. Then a slow delivery from Bot-Bot flattened his wicket. Robin had nearly collapsed laughing seeing the fat monk waddling up to bowl at him and had lost sight of the ball.

  Marion, their best player, was very nimble and very clever at hitting the ball between the fielders. She had already scored 65, when Colin came in to bat. The surly Urquart was bowling. As he ran up to the wicket, the bookmark in Colin’s pocket seemed to flash him a warning. The ball hurtled straight at his head. Only it wasn’t a ball. It was a small rock! Instinctively Colin smashed it with his bat back towards the bowler. It hit Urquart just on the side of his jaw and he dropped unconscious to the ground.

  “Seize them!” roared Grulph, and out from the trees rushed a squad of soldiers wearing the Sheriff of Nottingham’s emblem, two stags supporting a shield. Grulph was now pointing and shouting orders. “That’s Robin Hood and that’s Friar Tuck!” However, he was deliberately pointing at Abbot Abbott!

  Colin’s first thought was to protect Olivia, but fortunately she was standing with Little John and Will Scarlet. Almost without thinking, he picked up the still unconscious Urquart, who was quite solid, and with a surge of anger hurled the monk at the troops running towards him. Like a giant brown bowling ball making a strike, Urquart flattened them all. Meanwhile Sammy had sunk his teeth into Grulph’s calf and would not let go. The monk, hampered by his long robe, stumbled and fell.

  Although Olivia and Marion had foreseen the cricket match being used as a trap, it was amazing how quickly the tables were turned. They had positioned their 12th Men, as Olivia jokingly called them, all around the meadow, hidden in the trees with a few more in the tent. Now these bowmen stepped forward and Robin took command.

  In a loud voice he cried, “Men of Nottingham, the Sheriff’s men, we wish you no harm, but if you make any move to harm us, my bowmen will shoot you down. Their arrows are aimed at you. If you wish to live, lay your swords, pikes, any arms you have on the ground now.”

  The Sheriff’s men were so taken by surprise that most of them immediately did as Robin commanded them. One of them though rashly turned to snarl something at him. He did not complete what he was going to say, as he felt a sudden jolt and a pain in his arm. An arrow was sticking through it. He fainted. His companions had lost the will to fight. They were surrounded. What had seemed an easy victory to them had turned into a swift defeat. Their leader, a sergeant, on his knees, asked Robin for permission to speak.

  “Aye. Speak on,” said Robin,”but first hark what I am offering you. We were doing no wrong, but were falsely used and betrayed by those two men that Abbot Abbott is standing on. They wanted to take over the Abbey for themselves. Take them away with you and throw them in your dungeons for misleading the Sheriff. He will be pleased with you.”

  “Verily ‘tis true,” broke in Abbot Abbott. “When next I feast with him, I shall mention you all most favourably.”

  The bewildered sergeant stammered his thanks, formed his men up and marched them away with their prisoners, the treacherous Grulph and Urquart, in the rain, which had started to fall heavily.

  “Well,” said Colin, as everyone dashed into the tent, “this is one of the laws of cricket. Rain stopped play. We will have to declare the game a draw.”

  “A draw?” asked Bot-Bot.

  “Neither team has won,” explained Colin.

  “Yes, and neither team has lost,” added Olivia.

  “‘Tis a fair end,” said Abbot Abbott. Turning to Robin, he went on, “We are no longer enemies. You will ever be welcome at the Abbey. You too, my friends,” he said to Olivia and Colin.

  Colin felt the bookmark throb. It was telling him it was time to go.

  “Thank you,” he replied. Picking up Sammy, he took Olivia’s hand. “We really are from another place and another time and we must away. We have a wedding to arrange.”

  “Goodbye, everyone,” said Olivia with a little wave, and then they were back at Colin’s house in his living room. Sammy barked contentedly and settled into his cushion in his basket.

  “Now
you know why I wanted to go back there,” Colin told Olivia.

  “Oh, yes, and this time I’ve brought something back.” She was holding the silver chalice. “Marion and Robin gave it to us as a wedding present.”

  “Oh, that’s brilliant,” said Colin. “and to use your own words, I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve invited them all to the wedding.”

  “Really? I can’t wait to see them all again,” smiled Olivia.

  But that’s another story.

  A Rather Unusual Wedding

  It was the day of the wedding, and at the bottom of the stairs in Colin’s house Auntie Flo, helping with all the last minute arrangements, showed no surprise, as Colin introduced her to his guests, whom he had just fetched. They trooped down the stairs, one after the other, all 29 of them.

  “Auntie Flo, this is Maid Marion, and this is Robin Hood.” The list went on and on, and included two rather rotund, bald-headed men wearing brown monks’ robes. Yes, Abbot Abbott had managed to wangle himself an invitation to the party!

  Auntie Flo shook hands with them all, herded them into the living-room, and spoke to them quietly and firmly.

  “Hello. I am Colin’s Auntie Flo, so you call me Auntie Flo. I know you are from another time and another place, and you are going to see and hear some things amazing to you but which are everyday, ordinary things to people of this time. All I ask is that you try to control your wonder and delight, and not to touch or meddle or play with any of the objects you come across. First let me shed a little light on our world.” She switched on the electric light. There was a gasp of surprise from her audience. They were all smiling. “If you think that is a miracle, let me show you something that is both a joy and sometimes a curse of our modern world. It is a joy, if it is used sensibly. It is a curse, if people become addicted to it, or if the people directing it use it to influence people to have wrong, bad or evil ideas.” And she switched on Colin’s television set. Again there were gasps of amazement from her audience, who were standing or sitting around her. In the next half-hour with the aid of clips of film she had recorded on her camcorder Auntie Flo showed her medieval guests the wonders of modern transport, cars, planes, buses, lorries, trains, how to get water from taps, and most importantly she took care to explain how modern toilets work and how to use them properly. She told them about radios, telephones, watches and clocks, mobile phones and cameras, refrigerators, ovens and microwaves and also central heating. When her lecture was over, the outlaws wanted to see all the film clips again and had many questions they wanted to ask. However, at that moment Jilly, Billy and Colin appeared, carrying trays with pots of tea and coffee and mugs for everyone. The outlaws, not used to hot drinks, eagerly tried the various options – with or without sugar, with or without milk – and with great enthusiasm consumed several platefuls of biscuits of various kinds. Abbot Abbott and Friar Tuck were particularly fond of chocolate digestives. Robin Hood, Marion and their friends just couldn’t stop chattering excitedly about all they had seen, and Colin’s two toilets had never had so many visits before. Auntie Flo stood guard at the bathroom to make sure the taps were used properly. No one dared play about with them, not even Little John.

  Soon, however, it was time for Jilly to get changed into her bridesmaid’s dress, and then the taxi arrived to take her directly to meet up with Olivia.

  “Right, everyone,” called Auntie Flo. “Now your adventure continues. Billy and I are going with you to the church, and we are travelling in a motor-coach. It has just arrived outside. When you are inside it, sit down on a seat. Do not get up and keep walking about. It will take us about 10 minutes to get there.” She tapped her wrist-watch and the outlaws stared at it goggle-eyed. She continued in the same clear, firm voice. “At the church Billy will get off first and he will show you to your seats. After the service, as it is such a lovely sunny day, everyone will wait outside the church for photographs to be taken. Then Billy and I will go with you on the coach to the feast as you would call it. We call it the reception.”

  For Olivia and Colin the day they had planned turned out much as they hoped it would but with a lot of surprises too. The weather was perfect, Olivia was beautiful in a long white dress, all the guests were happy, the church service went smoothly. Abbot Abbott had even smuggled Sammy in. The little dog had sat quietly on his knee. Only the bride and groom, Auntie Flo, Jilly and Billy were aware of M. Of course he had been invited but with a warning not to try to play his guitar or saxophone. He stood proudly next to Jilly throughout the ceremony.

  The most unusual thing about the wedding, however, had been a brainwave of Colin’s. Realising that the Sherwood outlaws would look out of place in their Lincoln green outfits, he had arranged that all the guests should wear fancy dress. As a librarian he had of course read a lot of the books of Charles Dickens and he had been inspired by the description of the actors’ wedding in ‘Nicholas Nickleby’. The fancy dress code would not apply to Olivia, the bride, Colin, the groom, nor to the bridesmaids, Jilly and her cousin Amanda, but Auntie Flo was going as the Queen of Sheba and Billy was also to wear Lincoln green so that he could sit at the outlaws’ table and help them. Although forewarned, the vicar was surprised by the large number of imaginative and colourful outfits he saw in front of him in his church. He raised an eyebrow and smiled because it was such a joyful occasion. Mr. Jellysox, Colin’s best man, could have been described as best Red Indian chieftain. A big liquorice allsort was sitting next to someone dressed as Donald Duck and a coalminer complete with helmet and lamp was holding hands with a princess. A man dressed as a witch was sitting next to his wife, who was decked out as an apple-tree. Everywhere he looked the vicar saw children dressed as animals with face-paint, including several tigers, rabbits and even an elephant. There was a young woman dressed as a lettuce and her boyfriend was a caterpillar. Billy and Jilly’s mum was dressed as a glamorous lady from a western film with a voluminous green silk dress and their dad was a cowboy, looking a little like a plump Clint Eastwood. He was not the only cowboy. Olivia’s dad was a proud Buffalo Bill.

  “Well,” said the vicar, as he looked round the congregation, “I’m usually the only one in fancy dress. For once I’ve got some competition!” It was a brilliant remark, which set the tone for the service to run smoothly.

  When the vicar declared, “Colin and Olivia, I hereby pronounce you in the sight of God man and wife. You may kiss the bride,” the bookmark in the top pocket of Colin’s jacket gave out a very special warm glow. It seemed to reach everyone present. All were happy and smiling.

  Before long they were outside the church in the bright sunshine. Sammy ran around happily from guest to guest and even posed to have his photograph taken with a small girl, who put her sunglasses on his nose.

  Meanwhile the official photographer was organising everyone for the main photographs and Mr. Burton, Billy and Jilly’s father, was filming everything on his camcorder, but he didn’t see Olivia give M a secret hug. The emu, however, seemed to be otherwise occupied. He was staring goofily at Maid Marion, but Olivia did not notice as she handed Marion her digital camera and quickly showed her how to work it. The other outlaws posed for her and eagerly gathered round the other guests to look at their pictures too.

  Olivia and Colin, surrounded by family and friends, were deliriously happy. The bookmark continued to glow warmly, snug in Colin’s top pocket.

  Half an hour later, the photo session over, Auntie Flo and Billy escorted all the outlaws in the coach to the reception, which Olivia’s father, now thanks to Colin, once again a successful businessman, had paid for as his wedding present to them. He had set up an extremely large white marquee in the park-like grounds of the Robin Hood Hotel. His daughter had suggested the place and her three brothers had organised the rest. Kevin, Darius and Wayne, dressed as the Three Musketeers had helped Billy usher the guests to their seats in the church, and now, courteously sweeping off their wide brimmed hats each decorated wi
th an extremely large feather and bowing, they ushered all the guests to their tables within the marquee. The table-cloths were white, the cutlery and wine-glasses sparkled and the brightly coloured flowers at each table looked just right. Again everything went according to plan. The three course meal was delicious and particularly well appreciated by Abbot Abbott and Friar Tuck. Billy was in his element. At first as he sat with all the outlaws at their large round table, they all looked at him to see what to do, but gradually they gained confidence in using knife, fork and spoon. Billy taught them to use the ones on the outside of the place setting first and then work inwards. He was absolutely amazed by Friar Tuck and Abbot Abbott. He had never seen anyone eat as fast as those two. Naturally merry talk reigned at their table. The two monks were also slipping tasty items of food to Sammy, who was hiding under the table, while Auntie Flo was keeping a wary eye on M, who seemed to be gazing at Marion all the time. He was a very crafty emu though, and always seemed to get some wine every time it was served.

  At last, tapping the side of his wine-glass with a knife to call for silence, Mr. Jellysox rose to his feet to make his best man’s speech.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, and children, I am intrigued by my role as best man, or perhaps today as best Red Indian.” He paused, as a ripple of laughter came from all round the interior of the magnificent marquee. To his surprise he found he was a natural. The words came easily to him. His pace and timing were immaculate. “Since I work a lot with books, I was keen to try to find out where the idea of a best man at weddings comes from, but I’m well aware that, even if something is written down or printed, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is true. However, as my researches have led me to believe, the term ‘best man’ may well go back to ancient days as far back even as the cavemen. Apparently in those far off days before any history was written down the bridegroom would choose a friend to be his champion or best man. The best man’s duties were mainly to fight off the angry relatives of the bride, as the groom dragged her away from them.” Again Mr. Jellysox paused. Then he went on. “So far I have not been called upon to perform that part of my duties!” A roar of delighted laughter greeted this. Some people clapped. Mr. Jellysox’s speech continued in the same witty manner, as he explained that Colin was a friend and colleague, and that he was thrilled that Colin had found a bride as lovely as Olivia. On behalf of the happy couple he thanked everyone for coming to the wedding and commented on the superb array of costumes. Then he sprang a surprise, for quite unexpectedly he said, “At the beginning of my speech I referred to the role of the best man, Well, now I would like to introduce a brand new element to the proceedings. May I as best man introduce the best man’s best man? He has asked to say a few words. Our good friend Robin!”