Please Do Not Feed the Weirdo

by R. L. Stine

  A faint smile crossed Robby’s face. “No, he didn’t,” he said.

  “He told us he captured you without a fight,” Karla said.

  “No, he didn’t,” Robby repeated.

  “We talked to him,” I said. “We—”

  “No, Jordan, you didn’t talk to him,” Robby said. He crossed the room and lowered himself onto my desk chair. “You didn’t talk to Ferber at the carnival. That was me.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You mean—?”

  “I have this weird ability,” he said. “I can make myself look like other people.” He smiled again. “It comes in handy sometimes.”

  “I don’t believe it,” Karla said, shaking her head. “I don’t believe that was you—”

  “Why would Ferber stay at the carnival after closing?” Robby asked. “He has an apartment in the next town. You were talking to me the whole time.”

  Karla dropped back onto the edge of my bed. I stood there, my arms still crossed tightly, as if protecting myself. “Well, okay. You fooled us. But what are you doing here? What do you want?”

  “I came back to apologize,” he said, lowering his eyes. “I … I’m really sorry for what I did.”

  I uttered a disgusted groan. “Robby, you always apologize. But—”

  “I know. I know,” he said. “I admit it, Jordan. I have a problem.”

  “A problem?” I cried.

  “It’s something I have to deal with, okay? But I wanted to come back and tell you how sorry I am about everything. And I want to help clean up the mess I made.”

  Karla and I exchanged glances. Was he serious?

  “I’m ready to start cleaning,” Robby said, rolling up the sleeves of his flannel shirt. “I mean it.”

  “Right now?” Karla said. “We can’t clean the kitchen now, Robby. Our parents are asleep.”

  “I’ll come back tomorrow,” Robby said. “I’ve caused you a lot of trouble, and I want to make up for it.”

  We both stared at him, unable to think of what to say.

  “I’m a good guy,” he said. “No kidding. I never mean to hurt anyone.”

  I moved to the window and started to slide it open. “I think you have to go now,” I said.

  He nodded. “Okay. Thanks for letting me come in and apologize.”

  “No problem,” I said.

  He stopped halfway to the window. “I want to ask you one more thing. It’s kind of embarrassing. But … do you think you could bring me some food before I go? I’m just a little bit hungry.”

  My mouth dropped open. “No way,” I said.

  Robby pushed his hands together in front of him, as if he were begging. “Please. Not anything big. Just a little snack, and I’ll go away. I promise. You’ll never see me again.”

  I saw Karla get ready to protest. But I answered quickly. “Okay. Stay right here, Robby. I’ll go to the kitchen and bring you a snack.”

  He grinned at me. “Thanks, Jordan. You’re a friend. And I swear I’ll keep my promise.”

  I turned and walked into the hall. I wasn’t surprised when Karla came running after me.

  She grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around. “Are you crazy? What are you doing? Are you really going to bring him food?”

  I raised a finger to my lips. “Ssshhhh. No way,” I whispered. “I’m not going to bring Robby food. I’m going to wake up Dad. Dad can grab him and hold him, and we can call the police.”

  Karla nodded. “Okay. I get it. Hurry.”

  My parents’ room was on the other side of the kitchen. I held my nose as I crossed the kitchen floor. The odor was totally gross. I couldn’t see well in the dark, and I felt my bare feet step in sticky puddles. Yuck.

  The door to my parents’ bedroom was open. I burst in, whispering, “Dad, Dad—wake up!”

  He’s a light sleeper. He sat up instantly, blinking at me in the darkness. “Jordan? What’s wrong?”

  “Hurry, Dad,” I said. “Robby. The monster. He’s in my room. You can grab him.”

  Dad climbed out of bed. His hair was wild about his face. He adjusted his pajama pants. “He’s here?”

  I nodded. “Hurry. I promised him food. You can hold him. I’ll call 911.”

  Dad followed me through the kitchen and into the hall. Our bare feet thudded against the wooden floorboards.

  Light seeped from my room into the dark hall. Dad and I burst into the room together. “There he is!” I cried.

  Dad swept his gaze all around. “Where?”

  Karla was hunched on the side of my bed, looking glum. “He’s gone,” she said. “He said he knew it was a trick.”

  Dad ran to the open window and stuck his head out. “I don’t see him,” he said. “He must have run.”

  I shook my head. “We almost had him. We were so close.”

  Karla sighed and stared out the window. “Think he’ll be back?”

  Think he’ll be back? Of course he’ll be back.

  How lame would this story be if Robby ran off and they never saw him again?

  Jordan and Karla would be stuck there staring at each other, and what kind of story is that? Borr-ring!

  Know what I think? I don’t think Robby went very far. Know why? He doesn’t like to miss a meal!

  Hahahaha!

  All this talk is making me hungry. Know what’s keeping me from gulping down a few cheeseburgers, a basket of fries, and a tall, thick shake?

  I don’t have a stomach!

  Hahahaha!

  Now let’s see what happens in school the next day …

  The next morning, Mom wanted to walk us to school, but she said she couldn’t. “I have a doctor appointment at eight,” she said.

  “Don’t worry. It’s only four blocks,” I said.

  Mom frowned. “But there might be a monster out there,” she said.

  She thought about it for a moment. “Why don’t you call your friend Bernardo across the street? You can walk with him if it will make you feel safer.”

  “No good,” I said. “Bernardo is always late. It’s crazy in his house. He’s never ready on time.”

  “I think we’ll be okay for four blocks,” Karla said. “And I have my phone. I can always call you if there’s trouble.”

  So, Karla and I walked to school. And I don’t think I was ever more tense or more alert. I mean, I saw every blade of grass and every leaf on every tree. I saw who was riding in every car that passed and watched every kid who rode past us on a bike.

  I suddenly had super-eyes. I could see squirrels in high tree limbs and I could count the feathers on robins picking at worms in the grass.

  Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. But believe me, I was on guard and at attention, ready for anything. Because I knew Robby had to be around. I knew for sure that he wasn’t finished with us.

  And sure enough, Karla and I had walked only one block when I heard a shout, turned, and saw someone running across the street, coming at us.

  “Kids, wait up!” he called.

  I’d been waiting for this, but it startled me anyway. I bumped into Karla, and we both nearly fell to the sidewalk.

  “Hey, there you are,” he said. It was Mr. Ferber. His long hair was tied back in a ponytail. He wore an oversized red-and-blue Carnival World T-shirt over denim jeans.

  “Have you seen Robby?” he asked. “We have to capture him. He’s very dangerous.”

  Karla and I stared back at him without answering. Finally, Karla broke the silence. “We know it’s you, Robby. We know you’re not Ferber.”

  “You can’t fool us a second time,” I said.

  He rolled his eyes. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m Ferber.”

  “No, you’re not,” Karla insisted. “Give it up.”

  “You fooled us at the carnival last night. You’re not going to fool us again.”

  His eyes went wide. “At the carnival? You were there last night?”

  “Give us a break,” I said. I turned and started walking toward school.
“We’re not stupid.”

  “But … but …” he sputtered. “Hey, wait up.” He chased after us. “I’m Ferber. For real. I’m not Robby.”

  Karla turned to face him again. “If you’re Ferber, how did you find us? How did you know where to look for us?”

  “Your father paid for the carnival tickets with a credit card,” he replied. “I tracked down your address from the card.”

  I studied his eyes. He seemed to be telling the truth.

  “Listen, has Robby been here?” he demanded. “Have you seen him? You haven’t fed him—have you?”

  Karla shook her head. “Sorry. I still don’t believe you’re Ferber. You have to prove it.”

  He frowned at her. “How am I supposed to do that? Do you want to see my driver’s license?”

  “No,” she said. “That won’t prove anything.”

  He thought for a moment. “Okay,” he said. “I can prove I’m not Robby. No problem.”

  “How?” I said.

  “Give me something to eat,” he said. He pointed at Karla’s backpack. “What have you got in there? Give me some food and I’ll prove I’m not Robby.”

  We both stared at him.

  A shiver of fear rolled down my back. “It’s a trick,” I murmured. “Don’t give him anything.”

  He raised his right hand. “I swear. Give me something to eat, and you’ll see I’m Ferber, not Robby.” He glanced all around. “Hurry. We’re wasting time. Robby may be getting away.”

  Karla and I exchanged glances. She swung her backpack off her shoulders and began to search inside it. “Here,” she said finally. She pulled out a banana and held it out to Ferber.

  He rolled his eyes. “About time.” He grabbed the banana, peeled it, and shoved it chunk by chunk into his mouth.

  Karla and I stood there watching him carefully as he swallowed the last bite. My whole body tensed. I knew what was about to happen.

  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and handed the banana peel back to Karla. “Okay. I ate it,” he said. “Now do you believe me?”

  “Let’s wait a minute or two,” Karla answered.

  We had a long staring match. Karla and I took a few steps back until we were standing at the curb.

  I readied my arms to shield me if the vomit began to spew.

  But no. Nothing happened. We stood there just looking at one another.

  “Satisfied?” Ferber said finally. “Now do you believe I’m not Robby disguised as Ferber?”

  “Guess so,” I said. “But last night …”

  “He must have followed you home because you were the ones who let him out of his cage,” Ferber said. “Now he thinks he belongs to you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh, fantastic,” I said sarcastically.

  “He’s probably nearby,” Ferber said, his eyes darting all around, checking out the lawns and houses. “Maybe he thinks you’re his protectors. But … we have to round him up as soon as possible. Before he does a lot of damage. Before he hurts people.”

  “Jordan made a mistake last night,” Karla told him. “He fed Robby. Now our kitchen is destroyed.”

  Ferber tsk-tsked. “Don’t ever feed him. He only gets dangerous after you feed him.”

  I saw some kids across the street running along the sidewalk. “Karla, we’re going to be late,” I said. “We have to go.”

  Ferber reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out two cards. “Here. Take these. It’s my card. See my phone number? Call me fast if you see him. I’ll be waiting.”

  He turned and trotted away. I tucked the card into my jeans pocket. Karla and I crossed the street.

  We had walked only a few steps on the next block when I heard a shout. I turned and saw someone else running across the street, waving both hands in the air.

  “Hey—wait up, guys!”

  It was my friend Bernardo. He ran up to us, breathing hard. Bernardo is a big kid, tall and wide, with a big belly that bounces in front of him.

  He looked kind of messed up. His straight black hair was unbrushed and one side stood straight out. And his blue shirt wasn’t buttoned right, so that one side hung down over the other.

  But that’s Bernardo. He would never win an award for neatness.

  “Hey, guys,” he said. He put a sweaty hand on my shoulder. “What’s up?”

  “We’re going to be late,” I said. “The first bell is in five minutes.”

  “So what else is new?” he said. He lowered his eyes to my backpack. “Guess what, dude? My dad was busy with the twins, and he forgot to give me breakfast again. Do you have something I could have? Like a bag of chips or something?”

  He put his hands together like he was begging. “Please. Please. Do you have like an apple or maybe a muffin? What have you got? A couple of cookies? A Fruit Roll-Up? I didn’t have any breakfast. C’mon—what have you got?”

  I snickered. Bernardo seemed so desperate. The poor guy. The new twins got all the attention at his house, and he was pretty much left to take care of himself.

  Which he wasn’t too good at.

  I swung my backpack around. I knew Dad had put a bag of tortilla chips in my lunch. “Hold on, Bernardo,” I said as I fumbled in the bag.

  Karla grabbed my arm. “No. Jordan—don’t give it to him!” she cried.

  Bernardo rolled his eyes. “Karla, what’s your problem? You guys always share your lunches with me. Right?”

  “Today is different,” Karla said, her eyes on me, warning me. “It’s nothing personal, Bernardo. It’s just—”

  “He’s okay,” I interrupted her. “Look at him. No one could imitate that.”

  “Don’t do it, Jordan,” Karla said again, tightening her grip on my arm.

  “He’s okay,” I repeated. “This can’t be Robby. Robby wouldn’t know about Bernardo’s twin sisters. And he wouldn’t know that Bernardo asks for food all the time.”

  Karla let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m warning you …”

  I handed Bernardo the bag of tortilla chips.

  He ripped off the top, tilted the bag over his mouth, and dumped all the chips into his mouth at once. His cheeks puffed out wide as he chewed and chomped, noisily, juicily.

  He chewed for a long time. Then he swallowed the huge glob of chewed-up chips with a loud gullllp.

  He grinned at us. “Thanks, guys. That was a great breakfast.”

  I opened my mouth to say something—then stopped. And Karla and I both cried out in horror as he began to erupt.

  “ROARRRRRRPP.”

  The explosion from Bernardo’s belly sent Karla and me stumbling back.

  My heart skipped a beat and I froze, waiting for the fur to sprout all over his body, watching for him to rise up, roaring and thrashing.

  But no. He grinned and rubbed his belly.

  It was just a burp. Typical Bernardo.

  I burst out laughing. Karla looked pale. Her whole body shuddered.

  “Thanks, guys,” Bernardo said again. “Come on. We’re going to be late.”

  The three of us began to trot. My legs felt shaky. Karla dragged me aside. “That was terrifying,” she whispered.

  I laughed again. “Bernardo is always terrifying.”

  She poked me hard with her elbow. “You know what I mean. He could have been Robby. We know Robby can make himself look like anyone.”

  I shifted the backpack on my shoulders. “What can we do? We can’t be scared of everyone.”

  “We’ll just have to be careful,” Karla said. She sighed. “Maybe we’ll get lucky. Maybe Robby decided to go somewhere else. Maybe he’s far away by now.”

  “Yeah. Maybe,” I said. But I didn’t believe it.

  “Hey, guys, what’s your problem?” Bernardo called from the corner. “Hurry up!”

  “No problem,” I called. And we ran the rest of the way to school.

  I was drenched in sweat by the time I got to my classroom. I burst through the door just as the final bell rang.

  Ms. Foreman stoppe
d me as I started to hurry past her desk. “Good morning, Jordan. How are you?”

  “Okay, I guess,” I answered. I glanced around the room, looking for Robby.

  Ms. Foreman is young, younger than my parents. She’s tall and thin and has straight brown hair with streaks of blond in it, bright green eyes, and an awesome smile.

  Today she wore a red school T-shirt with EVERGREEN MIDDLE SCHOOL in big blue letters, a denim skirt, and white sneakers. She looks more like a teenager than a teacher, which is probably one reason everyone likes her so much.

  “Jordan, I heard you were going to Carnival World,” she said. “Did you enjoy it?”

  I shrugged. “Not much,” I replied.

  She made a pouty face with her lips. “Oh, too bad. What went wrong?”

  I hesitated. “It’s a long story,” I said finally.

  She smiled. “Oh. Good. You can tell it to everyone this morning.”

  I blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “Did you forget it’s oral story day, Jordan? We’re telling true stories to the class today. Maybe your story could be about what went wrong at the carnival.”

  I don’t think so, I thought.

  “M-maybe,” I stammered.

  She nodded. “Okay. Go take your seat. I’m going to call on you first.”

  I opened my mouth to protest. But what was the point?

  Tell what happened at the carnival in front of the whole class? I was tense to begin with. But now as I slid into my desk near the back of the room, I felt totally stressed.

  Tell what happened? Would anyone believe me? Would everyone just laugh? Would I be teased maybe for the rest of my life?

  I dumped my backpack on the floor and kicked it under my chair. Then I sat there trying to breathe normally, tapping my fingers on the desk. I’m not a fingernail biter. But if I were, I would have chewed them all down to the bone by now.

  Ms. Foreman disappeared for a few minutes. Everyone started talking at once. Bernardo stood on his desk and did an insane dance move. He almost fell off the desk twice. Everyone agrees Bernardo is a riot.

  He slid back into his seat as Ms. Foreman returned, and the room instantly grew silent. She led a short, brown-haired boy into the room.