Zombies of the Caribbean

by John Kloepfer

  Rice had fallen asleep, and Madison, Zoe, and Olivia were all standing over him, mischievous grins creeping around their lips. Madison had sprayed a large dollop of shaving cream into the palm of Rice’s hand. She stood by his side, filming him on the iPhone. Rice’s mouth hung open as he let out an exceptionally loud snore. Olivia covered her mouth, trying not to burst with laughter.

  “Welcome to our new show, ‘Unsuspecting Victims Unit.’ Victim number one: Johnston, Rice.” Zoe closed in on Rice, a large bird’s feather in her hand primed to tickle his nose.

  “What are you guys—” Zack started to say.

  WHAP! Rice swatted at the feather and slapped the handful of shaving cream right into his own face. He shot up with a start. The white beard of foam started to slip and reveal a not-so-amused look on his face. “Ha-ha-ha. Very funny. Laugh it up!”

  Olivia was on her knees convulsing with silent laughter. “OMG, I can’t breathe!”

  “Gotcha, sucka!” Zoe pointed at Rice with both hands. “That’s for super-zombifying my girl’s family!”

  “Episode one complete,” Madison said, and tapped the touch screen to end the video.

  “Will you guys quit messing around?” Zack finally stepped in, handing goggles over to Zoe. “We’ve got some jellyfish hunting to do.”

  Rice wiped the shaving cream off his face, and they all followed Zack back up to the main deck. Zoe peered through the goggles Nigel had given them. “I don’t see anything.”

  “They’re deep-sea creatures, so maybe we should dive down with the pod,” Olivia said.

  “Good call, Olivia,” Rice said, and went over to unlatch the pod’s metal hatch. “Who’s coming with me? Zack, you in?”

  “Yeah, let’s go test this thing out!”

  Zack and Rice climbed into the pod’s pilot sphere. Inside the steel and acrylic fiberglass chamber, they sat before a panel of touch screen video monitors. An intercom was mounted on the side wall, and a series of vertical and horizontal thruster joysticks were situated on the control panel. An array of beacon lights circled the top of the deep seacraft.

  Before they closed the hatch, Twinkles chirruped from the deck and bounded into the sub pod with the boys. “Twinkles, uh-uh,” Zack said, but Rice picked up the little pup and placed him on his lap.

  “Come on, Zack,” said Rice. “Let him come along.”

  Ozzie hit the mechanized crank, and the submersible pod dropped into the sea with a soft splash.

  “Hold it!” Zoe shouted, still looking through the goggles. “I think I just spotted a bunch of jellyfish over there. They’re glowing.”

  Olivia raced to the pilothouse of Nigel’s boat and revved the motor.

  “Olivia, wait!” Ozzie yelled after her. “Do you know how to steer this thing?”

  “Please,” she said. “I’ve known how to sail since I was, like, seven years old.” Olivia manned the controls and they cruised over to the spot, toting Zack and Rice along in the pod. The boat slowed down near a large grouping of tiny jellyfish floating close to the surface.

  Zack stared through the high-grade plexiglass as the pod bobbed through the scores of tiny invertebrates.

  “Yo, man,” Rice said. “That’s definitely them!”

  “Are you sure?” Zack asked his buddy.

  “You think I don’t know what an immortal jellyfish looks like?”

  “Okay, guys,” Zack spoke back to the boat through the wireless intercom. “These are the jellyfish. Let’s get a sample.”

  Up above, Madison ran to the other side of the boat and grabbed the custom-made microporous fishing net, then leaned over and scooped up a large jellyfish sample. “Got ’em,” she said, looking at her catch. “Yuck, they’re disgusting!”

  “These things shouldn’t be at the surface. There must be something scaring them up,” Ozzie’s voice sounded on the intercom inside the pod. “Maybe it’s the giant frilled tiger shark! I’m about to detach the line. You guys go down and try to catch a visual on this frilled shark-a-mabob.”

  The pod dipped fully underwater, and Ozzie prepared to unhook the line. “Ready?” he asked.

  Zack gave him the thumbs-up and they took off.

  Zack maneuvered the pod through the water while Rice searched the depths for any sign of life. The water was dark and murky.

  Out of the corner of his eye, Zack saw something dart through the cloudy underwater gloom. He squinted to see more clearly. It was two somethings. A pair of zombie barracuda to be exact. Their long thin bodies slithered through the water. The mean-faced fish grimaced with razor-sharp underbites.

  BANG! CLANK! They smashed their pointy snouts against the fiberglass. Three more undead barracudas swam straight for the pod. BAM! BAM! BAM!

  “Dude, what the heck is going on?” Rice said.

  “How did all these fish get zombified?” Zack asked.

  “I don’t know, man, but there’s more coming. . . .”

  Two large zombified squid latched onto the glass, soon joined by a foursome of lampreys. The jawless fish sucked at the window with their funnel-like mouths. Their fang-laden lips scratched against the glass like nails on a chalkboard.

  More and more zombie sea creatures were quickly piling up against the submersible’s fiberglass viewport. Zack and Rice could barely see anything except the pulsating blobs and tentacles pressed up against the window.

  “Whoa!” Zack said, glimpsing a dark shape through the mass of undead sea creatures attached to the viewport. “Did you see that?”

  “See what?” Rice asked.

  Something huge swam through the water and darted past the pod. One of its soulless black eyes looked right at them. Its dorsal fin cut through the water like a knife blade as it zipped out of sight. Zack and Rice had both seen “Shark Week.” They both knew what this was.

  “Dude,” said Rice. “It’s zombie Jaws!”

  “He must have scared up the jellyfish,” Zack said, and then lifted the intercom to his mouth. “No go, Oz!” he said. “We need to come back up—now!”

  The zombified great white shark appeared again as a blurry shadow.

  “What’s the problem, Zack?” Ozzie’s voice came over the speakers.

  “We got a visual,” Zack said. “But it’s the wrong kind of shark.”

  The great white’s shadow grew closer and closer, swimming full throttle. Zack’s eyes went wide as it beelined for the pod.

  “Brace yourself!” Zack shouted.

  “Hmm, hmm . . . ,” Twinkles whimpered.

  The shark smashed its pointed snout into the rounded glass. POW!

  A large crack split down the interior of the window.

  “Rice, we have to get back to the surface,” Zack said. “This thing’s not going to be able to take the pressure!”

  “Abort mission!” Rice shouted into the intercom. “I repeat, abort mission!” But there was only the sound of crackling static on the other end. “Bring us up, Zack!”

  “Something’s wrong,” Zack said, trying to move the joystick. “The thrusters aren’t working!”

  “Look,” Rice said, and pointed to an emergency button on the control panel. “I think we might be able to activate the turbo-boosters and get back up.”

  The undead shark circled them again as it prepared to take another crack at their pod.

  “Come on, man!” Rice shouted. “Hurry!”

  Zack pressed the button, and the pod charged upward. As they ascended to the surface of the Caribbean, the cracking porthole began to leak and water started filling up around their feet.

  “Get us out of here!” Rice screamed.

  Above them, Madison and Ozzie reconnected the cord from Nigel’s ship to the pod. Ozzie tried to pull open the hatch to let Zack and Rice out, but the latch was stuck.

  Zack looked back out at the water. The zombified great white raced toward them. Just as Zack braced for impact, he felt a sudden jerk. The pod lifted out of the water, and the shark missed its target, speeding underneath them.


  Rice opened the hatch and scrambled out. Zack grabbed Twinkles in one arm and climbed up through the hatch, one-handed. He could see the shark’s form swim eerily and ominously beneath them. A sharp twinge of fear rushed through him as he wobbled on top of the pod, about to step back onto the boat. As he was about to hand Twinkles to Rice, a powerful thud rocked them.

  “Whoa!” Zack struggled to keep his balance.

  KERTWANG! The great white lurched out of the ocean and clashed its teeth against the welded metal of the pod.

  Zack lost his footing and flew back, losing hold of Twinkles. The little dog woofed and went flying bug-eyed through the air, splashing into the churning whirlpool of undead sea creatures below.

  “Twinkles!” Madison screeched as Zack managed to get back on the boat.

  “Look what you did, Zack!” Zoe cried.

  “I didn’t mean to!” Zack shouted. “I thought you had him!”

  “Me?” Rice yelled. “You weren’t even mid-handoff, dude!”

  Down below, Twinkles doggy-paddled around, barking like mad. Fifteen yards away, the zombie shark’s dorsal fin rose out of the water and then disappeared back beneath the surface.

  “Well, somebody go back in there and save him!” Madison shouted.

  “Are you kidding me?” Zack said. “There’s a great white shark in there.”

  “Get the net, dum-dums,” Ozzie said over the sound of their bickering.

  “Good idea, Ozzie.” Olivia hurried across the deck. She picked up the net full of jellyfish specimens and dumped them out into a bucket. “Here!” she said, and heaved the fishing net at Madison, who caught it with both hands.

  “Twinkles!” Madison yelled down to her pup. She leaned as far as she could over the railing, trying to angle the net to scoop up Twinkles.

  “Arf! Arf!” the little Boggle yelped helplessly.

  A dull thunk sounded underneath them as something nudged the starboard side of the boat. Madison nearly dropped the fishing net as the boat rocked them all off balance.

  “There! Got him!” Madison grunted, netting the little canine and pulling him in. The water swirled and roiled beneath the little dog. VROOSH! The great white leaped out of the ocean, its massive undead jaws wide open, primed to chomp the entire net clean in half.

  “Ahhhh!” Madison shouted, and yanked back. She hoisted the fishing net upward as the shark’s jaw snapped shut with an awful clack.

  “Arf! Arf!” Twinkles yowled as the great white’s teeth barely missed him. Madison slipped and fell back on her tailbone, dropping the net. Twinkles hit the deck safely aboard the boat.

  “Yeah!” they all yelled. “Woo-hoo!”

  “Take that, you stupid shark!” Olivia pumped her fist. “No puppy snacks today!”

  “Everyone okay?” Zack asked as his pulsing heart rate slowed down a bit.

  They were all fine, including Twinkles. Madison lifted the little dog from the boat deck and cuddled him in her arms. Twinkles whimpered and trembled as they all huddled up.

  “Okay, guys,” Ozzie said. “We need a new plan.”

  “Yeah, these waters are completely infested,” Zack said. “If there is a giant frilled tiger shark around here, then it may already be zombified.”

  Olivia pointed to the chum bucket filled with the immortal jellyfish sample. “Didn’t Nigel say there was a ton of those things down near Jamaica?”

  “Yes,” said Rice. “And there was supposedly a frilled tiger shark sighting there, too!”

  “Jamaica it is, then,” Zack said.

  “Yah, mon!” Zoe said in a bad Caribbean accent. “Jamaica, mon!”

  Ozzie furrowed his eyebrows at her. “All in favor of Zoe never doing that voice ever again raise your hand.”

  They all put up their hands except for Zoe.

  On the way to Jamaica, the waves began to slop against the sides of the boat. The sky overhead took on a dark, ominous hue as thick storm clouds rolled in. A flash of lightning flickered in the distance.

  “Looks like we’re hitting some rocky waters,” Ozzie said as their boat rose and plunged through the choppy waves.

  “Yeah,” said Madison. “You guys want to head belowdeck? I think I’m starting to get a little seasick.”

  “Me, too,” said Zoe, whose face had turned a pale shade of green. “I need to lie down.”

  “Where’s Rice?” Zack asked.

  “I think he’s using the bathroom,” Ozzie said. “He didn’t look so hot. How are you doing?”

  “I feel fine,” said Zack as the girls descended to the boat’s cabin.

  “Good,” Ozzie said. “You’re going to help me navigate through this storm.”

  “Whatever you need, Oz,” Zack said. “Just tell me what to do.”

  “We have to sail between the eastern cape of Cuba and the western coast of Haiti,” Ozzie said. “We’re still a few hours off, and this storm might slow us down a bit. But if we keep the course we’re on now, we’ll be fine.”

  Bang-bang-bang!

  Someone knocked loudly downstairs, and they heard a muffled yell through the deck. “Rice, get out of there! I’m gonna be sick!”

  The cabin door leading belowdeck swung open with a bang, and Rice barreled through it. Zack’s friend was off balance, struggling to stay upright as he raced to the port side of the rollicking vessel.

  “Dude, what are you doing?” Zack said. “Get back inside!”

  “We’re all seasick.” Rice groaned. “And Olivia just kicked me out of the bathroom!”

  “Yeah,” Zack said. “Zoe does that to me all the time.”

  “Hoooghlargh!” Rice retched and heaved over the side, spewing his last cruise ship meal into the stormy sea.

  Now Zoe stormed up from belowdeck and sprinted to the boat’s side rail. Madison ran up after her. Her cheeks puffed out like a blowfish as she covered her mouth with one hand.

  “Blaaahhh!” A long stream of rancid vomit sprayed all over the deck of their boat.

  A pained look came over Ozzie’s face. “Uh-oh,” he said.

  “What’s the matter?” Zack asked. “Don’t tell me you’re seasick, too.”

  “I don’t get seasick,” Ozzie said, doubling over. “I just can’t stand seeing other people throw up. . . . It makes me have to throw up.” Ozzie started to run out of the pilothouse clutching his stomach.

  “Wait a second,” Zack said. “Who’s going to steer the boat?”

  “Aarghh!” Ozzie groaned. “Just keep us on course. It’s easy.”

  I hope Ozzie’s right, Zack thought as he stared into the turbulent sea and the dark storm up ahead. Because I have no idea what I’m doing.

  Nigel’s boat rocked in the swell of the waves. Zack checked the GPS screen at the steering column. They were still on the proper course, but Zack grew nervous as the storm worsened. The wind howled menacingly and whipped huge torrents of rain against the windows of the pilothouse, making it difficult to see.

  “Phloooorrghph!” Rice retched again and spewed stomach bile into the wind. Zack cringed as the projectile vomit flew back into Zoe’s face. She slugged Rice in the belly, and he puked again, this time at his own feet.

  The boat tipped up over the crest of a massive wave and plunged down on the other side with a mighty splash. The boat jostled, and salt water sprayed over the railings onto the deck. The boat rocked again, and Zack pitched backward into the control panel inside the pilothouse.

  The boat’s course shifted on the stormy sea. Zack stuck his head out in the pelting wind and called down to Ozzie, “Hey, man, we got thrown off course. What do I do?” But he got no answer. His friends were in the throes of their seasickness, too busy hurling bellies full of vomit over the side to respond.

  Zack turned back to the dark, violent ocean ahead of them. He couldn’t see through the wind and rain. A bright flash of lightning cracked across the sky and illuminated the area around them.

  Zack gasped at what he saw. A rocky island coastline appeared straight ahead of them. He
took to the steering controls while the island grew closer and closer. Zack tried to maneuver the boat off the collision course, but it couldn’t gain a wide enough berth to avoid the inevitable.

  A horrible snapping sound rang out as they scraped over what must have been a shallow coral reef.

  The boat jerked and flung Zack sidelong into the rail with a clunk. His head stung and started to throb. The boat rode into the sandy banks and halted in the shallow water.

  The downpour became a mere drizzle as their shipwreck floated toward the white sandy beach of the unknown island.

  “Aw, man . . . ,” Zack said. He rose to his feet slowly and exited the pilothouse. He rubbed his head. He could feel a goose egg–sized bump forming above his brow. He looked at his friends sprawled out across the deck. “You guys all right?”

  “If by all right you mean it feels like a dozen microscopic zombies are nibbling away at my intestines, then yeah, I’m all right,” Rice said.

  “Ugh!” Madison groaned. “Why did you have to say that? Now I’m imagining a dozen zombie microbes eating away at my intestines!”

  “What just happened?” Olivia said, coming up from the cabin. Her hair looked like she’d just brushed it with a rabid squirrel.

  “Zack crashed the boat.” Madison groaned, still clutching her tummy.

  “Don’t blame me,” Zack snapped. “If you guys hadn’t been puking your guts out, Ozzie wouldn’t have gotten sick.”

  “Oh, so now it’s my fault?” Madison asked.

  “Don’t worry, Madison,” Zoe said. “Zack just likes to pretend he’s not a total screwup sometimes, which we all know isn’t true.”

  “Shut up, Zoe!” said Zack. “Why don’t you go look in a mirror and try not to throw up some more?”

  “Ha!” Rice laughed. “Good luck with that!”

  “Rice,” said Zoe, “don’t you have some zombie sharks to go swimming with?”

  “Guys!” Olivia shouted. “This is no time to be bickering. Our boat is seriously messed up.”

  “She’s right,” Ozzie said. “This isn’t looking too good.”