Just a Boyfriend

by Wilson, Sariah

  If this was some kind of one-person intervention for trying to get me to talk to my mother, I wasn’t interested in participating. Especially since all of my recent mental energy had been expended solely on Ember and whatever was or was not happening with us. I felt like I could only deal with one drama at a time. “Okay. Thanks. Should we start practicing?”

  “Wait.” She put her soft hand on my forearm, and the entire world shrank down to that one touch, as if nothing else could exist outside of it. “There’s something else.”

  “What is it?”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and about, um, what we did.”

  “Me too.” My voice sounded gruffer than I’d intended.

  Her hand was still on my arm, so I took that as a good sign. “And the thing is . . . the thing is that I’ve believed certain stuff about myself that wasn’t true because I thought you believed it. It’s bothered me for years, and it bugs me even more that I wasn’t strong enough or self-confident enough to say, ‘Screw him’ and have my own self-image that wasn’t influenced by you.”

  It still shocked me that she couldn’t see how hot she was. How I would have loved nothing more than to pull her into my lap and prove it to her again. Logan had been right. I should have talked to her about it before we kissed. I felt bad that she’d been carrying around all this unnecessary baggage, and even worse about the part I’d accidentally played in packing it up for her. “You are stunning and perfect, and I want to touch you constantly. I wish I could help fix it and undo what I did.”

  “You’ve helped. But I can’t just flip a switch and feel different about everything. Totally change my worldview and how I see myself in it. Maybe I will, given some time. But I think you know that’s not the only issue we have here.”

  I knew. I nodded.

  “If we dated,” she went on, “what would we tell our parents?”

  I was about to tell her what my dad had said all those years ago, which had been the cause of me leaving, when we heard a commotion out in the hallway.

  A woman was yelling. We exchanged glances and then both went over to the door.

  Keilani and Ford were walking toward the opposite end of the hall.

  She called out, “Ford, wait!” He came to a stop, turning to look at Keilani.

  “What?” he asked, his exasperation evident in his voice.

  “What is your deal with me?” she asked.

  Ford crossed his arms. “My deal? Can you just not? Can we not?”

  She mirrored his stance. “No, I think it’s past time that we did. Could you please just be honest with me for five minutes and tell me what I did to make you hate me so much?”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t be listening,” I whispered to Ember, who just elbowed me in the stomach and told me to be quiet.

  “I don’t hate you.” Ford’s voice sounded broken. “I never hated you.”

  “You did a pretty good job of convincing me otherwise. Why?”

  If either one of them turned slightly, they would see us and stop, but they were completely wrapped up in each other and in their conversation.

  I felt bad about eavesdropping on this private moment, but it was kind of like a prime-time show I’d been watching for months now, waiting for something to happen in the story line, and it was finally happening, and I couldn’t look away, even if I thought I should.

  I had to know how it all played out.

  He looked down at his shoes for so long that I thought he wasn’t going to answer, but then he did. “When I got here, I was one of the youngest QB coaches ever, for any school. I wanted to be taken seriously. And Coach Oakley had that no-dating rule in place, and I thought I couldn’t expect my players to follow a rule I wasn’t willing to follow myself.”

  “I don’t understand. What has that got to do with me?”

  “When I saw you . . . you were so beautiful. I wanted to ask you out. But then I thought about the rule and what would happen if we did go out and we broke up, and then it’d be awkward and we’d still have to work together and see each other all the time.”

  “That’s . . .” She seemed to be searching for the right word. “So stupid it makes me sad. You were worried we’d break up so you acted like you couldn’t stand me?”

  “It was childish. And selfish. But it was the only way I could stay away from you.”

  “Oh.” She sounded bewildered. “You can’t think about dating someone and mentally go on your next thirty dates and predetermine how things will end. What if you were wrong? What if it didn’t end badly? What if we were meant to be something more?”

  “You think I didn’t consider that, too?” Ford asked. “Like when we talked at that Halloween frat party, and I recognized your voice, and I knew you didn’t recognize mine. I wanted to prove to myself that I’d been right. That we would fight and pick at each other and get annoyed, but we didn’t. It was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had. It was like we fit together. Like you were a piece of me that I didn’t know was missing. And then at the Christmas faculty party, when I let a few glasses of wine impair my decision-making abilities and I kissed you under the mistletoe? That was . . . magic.”

  She waited a few beats, as if wanting him to go on. When he didn’t, she prompted him, “And what? You liked me but didn’t want to date me, so you decided to keep being cold?”

  “I’ve had the worst time keeping my distance from you. You’re an incredible woman, Keilani. You’re so kind and optimistic and beautiful and good at your job and devoted to helping all of your students. How was I supposed to stop myself from falling in love with you?”

  “You’re in love with me?” Keilani repeating the words made something twist deep inside me. Reminding me that I was in love with Ember but hadn’t ever told her.

  “How could I not be? And I’m sorry that I’m an idiot. I’m sorry that I thought this was the best way to go about things. I’m sorry that I hurt you, because that is the last thing I would ever want to do. I’m sorry that I ruined any future we might have together. Because of course I want to date you. Of course I want to be with you. I’m sorry that my actions made it so that you’d never want to be with me. Again, I apologize for the idiot part. And I’m so sorry that—”

  We never got to hear what else he was sorry for because Keilani was kissing him, and it all felt weird. Both to be watching it and having overheard what we did. It was starting to verge into creeper territory.

  Ember sighed, “Aw,” happily.

  I walked away from the open door, my mind racing. Jess had talked about Keilani and Ford often, insisting that they were in love and the rest of us (including them) just couldn’t see it.

  Now Keilani was mauling Ford in the hallway, and even I had to admit that Jess had been right.

  Telling Jess about what I’d just witnessed would make her insufferable for about a week or so.

  Ember quietly closed our door, and I figured Ford and Keilani wouldn’t even notice. Then she joined me where I stood, waiting. I wasn’t sure for what. For them to leave? For Ember to talk to me again? To start our practice?

  She smiled and said, “Wasn’t that so sweet? So romantic?”

  It was certainly something. “I don’t know. I think I liked it better when they threw up at the sight of each other.”

  She smacked me on my upper arm, but her face was amused.

  The problem was, I didn’t know how I felt about what I’d just seen. I’d been listening to Jess’s conspiracy theories about their relationship for the last few months, and it was weird to see it happen in real life.

  But beyond that, I couldn’t help but compare their situation to the one I found myself in with Ember. I thought of Keilani’s admonishment that Ford couldn’t mentally go on their next thirty dates before they’d even gone on one, and it made me recall my dad’s thirty-Christmases comment again. It was what had kept me from Ember.

  Had I been doing the same thing? Assuming that things with Ember would end and end badly, an
d then I’d be stuck seeing her for decades at family events, making things hard and awkward on everybody around us?

  What if I’d been doing what Keilani accused Ford of? That I’d already mapped out our entire future relationship without even knowing how things would turn out? Ember could be the one. I knew that, in my heart of hearts. I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life loving her.

  Was I giving up what could be the most important relationship in my life just to make other people’s lives easier?

  “Are you okay?” Ember asked, pulling me out of my train of thought.

  Not ready to share everything I’d been thinking, I smiled. “Fine. Shall we dance?”

  As we moved to our stance, I planned what I would tell her once she lifted her time/space ban. I’d made the mistake when we were teenagers of not telling her everything that was in my heart, and it had hurt her in ways I hadn’t anticipated. It made her doubt herself when she was the last person who ever should. I didn’t want that to happen again.

  I also needed to sort out what I wanted to do. I’d been avoiding all of my problems for so long—that needed to stop. But I still wanted to respect her wishes.

  Before I counted us off I said, “E? I know that you need time and space to figure out what you think and what you want to do next. But when you’re ready? I’m here.”

  “Thank you.” The words were quiet and heavy.

  I only hoped she wouldn’t take too long.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  EMBER

  This was how my Friday was going:

  Deja reminded me, like, six times about our girls’ weekend trip up at Molly’s uncle’s cabin. Telling me that I’d been “checked out” lately and we needed bonding time. Which was fair. I’d always prided myself on my ability to show up for my loved ones. But admittedly, I’d been a bit flaky recently without intending to be. Bash was a major distraction.

  I was actually looking forward to our getaway now, hoping that once we’d sufficiently bonded that I’d get some time to sort out my thoughts and issues and make sense of what was happening between Bash and me. Because that kiss had thrown everything off balance, and I didn’t know what we should do next.

  My roommates had left for our cabin trip, and I decided to take a short nap before my test. Which ended up being too long, so I got to the testing center just before it closed, and rushed through my exam. I realized that I probably hadn’t done great, given how shaken and flustered I felt.

  I’d brought my overnight bag with me and went straight from the testing center to the parking lot. When I got in my car, it started making funny sounds. I stood outside and tried to record the sound of the engine, but it didn’t sound the same on my phone. I decided to bring my car home and have Doug diagnose it. As I backed out of the parking spot, I heard a sound, and when I opened the car door to investigate, I saw my cell phone, which I’d left on the roof, lying on the ground.

  Where it was, predictably, ruined. The screen was shattered, and I tried to use it, but I couldn’t undo the lock because of the messed-up screen.

  At least I could kill two birds with one stone—when I got home I’d have to beg my mom to get me another phone. My whole life was on it. I needed it.

  But when I got to the house, no one else was there. Both of the cars were gone. Even Roscoe wasn’t there. I was going to use the landline to call them but realized that I didn’t know anybody’s phone numbers. That was why I had them in my contacts list. So I didn’t have to memorize them. I didn’t even know Bash’s, although he had remembered mine. He was who I wanted to call to bail me out. Because I knew if I told him I needed him, he’d be there.

  Which was something I decided not to examine too closely.

  There was no way I was going to drive to the cabin with whatever was happening with my car. The last thing I needed was for it to break down in the middle of nowhere and for me to end up in a cage in some serial killer’s basement.

  I logged on to the family computer and opened up my email. In addition to texting me, Deja had made sure to email me the address to the cabin and had left it on a piece of paper on our kitchen counter. If I’d had a fax machine, I was pretty sure she would have faxed me, too. She’d also repeatedly reminded me of the security code they’d chosen, 4155. In case I got there late. Which I had told her more than once that I would not.

  Even though that was totally the case now.

  I checked the public transportation website. Although there was a stop about two blocks from our house, the closest one to the cabin was a really long walk. Miles and miles.

  Then I thought about maybe an Uber or a taxi, but the cost was ridiculously high. Like rent-for-the-next-three-months high.

  I was in the middle of figuring out how to find one of my roommates’ cell phone numbers when I heard the front door open and shut.

  Finally, someone was home!

  I rushed into the foyer to see Bash.

  Of course. My ridiculous heart leapt at the sight of him.

  “Hey. I’m here to do laundry again,” he said.

  I blushed just a little as I was reminded of our last laundry encounter. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’m having a code red.” Was that right? “Or another important color code. I need help.” I explained my situation to him, and that I was hoping to use one of the family cars to get to the cabin.

  He got out his phone and started texting. “Okay, Marley and Lauren are at a slumber party, and your mom and my dad are at the vet because Roscoe had a funny cough. The vet thinks he’s fine, but they’re running a couple of tests just to be sure. Dad said he’ll check your car when he gets back, but it’s probably best if you don’t try and use it. He also said if you needed to leave now, you could take the truck.”

  “The one he’s been restoring in the garage?” I clarified. “Isn’t that a stick shift?”

  “Yes.”

  I let out a small groan of protest. “I can’t drive a stick.”

  “I can. I can take you.”

  “It’s really far. Like an hour away. I wouldn’t want you to have to do that.”

  He shrugged. “The only plan I have tonight is a hot date with the washing machine. So I have time.”

  I was so torn. I didn’t want to be stuck in a car for that long with Bash with things so unresolved between us, but I also didn’t want to deal with my roommates’ wrath if I bailed on them.

  “I feel bad.”

  “I’m offering. Come on,” he cajoled me. “Let me be a knight in shining armor. It’s good to be able to dust off the old armor from time to time, you know? I promise to keep things friendly and casual. No serious discussions need to be had.”

  He gave me sad puppy-dog eyes, and I sighed. “I can’t say no when you look at me that way.”

  “That’s why I look at you that way.”

  I felt his words burning their way through my entire body, and I tried to brush off the feeling. I really did need a ride, this wasn’t my inner teenager scheming to find ways to spend time with him. “Okay. Let’s go. But I insist on paying for gas.”

  “Oh, I was planning on that. Your chariot awaits, my lady.”

  My stomach flipped over, and I told it to stop. I didn’t want to be charmed.

  But it was already too late.

  True to his word, Bash kept the conversation light. He played car games with me, like finding letters on license plates. My stomach was rumbling when he wanted to play two truths and a lie.

  “Let’s have a snack break instead,” I suggested.

  “Playing the game could be fun!”

  “Lie,” I responded, earning me a grin from him.

  “I know that you’d prefer to eat—”

  “Truth.”

  “Fine,” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “What do you have?”

  Obviously, I’d packed a ton of snacks. For me. They weren’t going to last long with Bash in the car. I pulled out a package of peanut butter–and-chocolate KIND bars. “How many do you want?”r />
  “Just give me the whole thing.”

  I studied the back of the box, looking at the nutritional information. “According to their serving sizes, if you eat all of this, you’ll be a family of six.”

  “I like to think of myself as a family of twelve, thanks,” he said as I passed him the box.

  “That’s not very healthy, you know.” I said this to him while peeling off the wrapper of a 3 Musketeers.

  “Says the woman inhaling her candy bar.”

  “I went in for a physical, and I’ll have you know the doctor said I should be eating more chocolate. Also, I’m calling myself the doctor now.”

  He laughed so hard I was slightly afraid he might get in an accident. But it was like Bash and I were ourselves again. Laughing, playing, bantering, ignoring the underlying tension that had existed since the kiss.

  The soul-burning, lip-melting, madness-inducing kiss.

  We were about fifteen minutes away from the cabin, according to the maps app on Bash’s phone, when big buckets of snow just started pouring down on us. It was like there was a stagehand just off the side of the road whose job it was to throw puffs of snow at us.

  “Did you see anything in the forecast about this?” Bash asked.

  “No.” I also did not tell him that I hadn’t actually checked the forecast before we left.

  “If this doesn’t ease up, you guys might be snowed in.”

  “Should we turn around?”

  “We’ll just keep going and hope the roads stay relatively clear. And if not, well, we’ll figure that out when we get there.”

  If the girls and I got snowed in, that meant Bash was going to be snowed in with us. I was more delighted by this prospect than concerned about it, which made me realize that maybe I had had enough time and space and could accept that I’d misunderstood our interaction back when we were teens. That he was attracted to me and that I was beautiful, at least to him. I’d been building myself up these last few days by thinking about all the things I did like. Like my hair and eyelashes. I had a pretty decent butt. I liked how strong I was, how I could play a sport that I loved and had even earned a scholarship for it. I was usually a good friend and tried hard to be a good daughter and sister. I thought I had a good sense of humor (but to be honest, everybody thinks that about themselves, regardless of whether or not it’s true). So my body wasn’t perfect. Most people’s weren’t. Bash being an obvious exception.