The Best Mistakes (The Amherst Sinners Series Book 3)

by Elena Monroe

  Hayley slumped back, lowering her gaze into her lap, and the group got quiet. Caden clapped his hands together. “That’s why we created midnight meetings of high/low. To keep us close. Now we’re up to our elbows in our own shit, and we aren’t talking.”

  Aspen sat up in his seat, almost demanding everyone’s attention. “My parents are pushing the marriage thing. I’m stressed out. Maddison isn’t ready yet.”

  His family was full of successes, and they demanded different things from each one. His was apparently marriage at a certain age. They wanted him to settle down, and if they used their eyes, they’d be able to tell Maddison wasn’t the girl for that right now. She couldn’t even keep a job, and honestly, I was shocked she was still holding onto Aspen.

  She had a freedom he didn’t, when she cut herself off from their money and rules. He still lived under their reign, and if he wanted that cash influx, he had to follow the rules.

  Elizabeth patted his leg in a sympathetic way, and I almost felt for his third-world problems. Liz spoke next, when we all stared her down like her touch was some passing of the invisible baton.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’m pregnant, and I need to get married before my bump grows too much more.”

  Everyone laughed at once at her exacerbated answer, while she used her hands to motion her way through her low, no highs.

  Hayley knew she was next and pushed up her middle finger as her reply, but I wasn’t letting us move on until it was all on the table. I slapped her knee. “Out with it, Miss-drunk-in-the-afternoon.”

  “Oh, fuck off. You don’t share shit.”

  I sat back, still sipping my coffee. I was now drinking it slowly instead of in one gulp; it kept my hands busy, holding onto the cup longer. “My shit is officially out for the world to judge. I’m on the fucking news.”

  I watched her smirk with her finger still in the air, and we started a staring game that I was going to win, making her spill whatever it was that was bothering her. After a few moments of silence and the Sinners egging her on, she cracked.

  Almost under her breath, she pushed out her confession: “Palmer met someone while she was traveling. It’s on her feed.”

  She pulled out her phone, dropping it on the table to Palmer’s page, like it was bookmarked for a quick look. I sat up, stealing the phone in complete shock at why she would put that somewhere Hayley would see. It was sloppy, and I was closer to Palmer than any other Sinner. I scrolled through the photos, seeing the same girl in multiple photos, hanging onto Palmer in different locations. I handed the phone to Caden to see, and we exchanged a look like we had been betrayed from another country. It was something we didn’t tolerate in this group, and it warranted investigation.

  Caden coughed, getting our attention, before he stretched out and his own hand crept up his own shirt. He never shook off the feeling of worshipping himself, which made me shake my head, wondering what his low would be.

  “I think I might try dating. Everyone is in relationships and shit. I’m getting tired of the one night stands.”

  We all stopped moving, shocked that he was admitting this. The last time I saw him with the same girl twice was with Layla’s ex-best friend, B. He never came off as a relationship guy, but then again, none of us really were. We were all bad news, hoping to find that one person who overlooked it, who saw more, who dared to love us. The darker your past, the greater seeing the light is.

  I think we all waited to see an extension of him in someone else. We all wondered who she would be, when his taste included every shape, size, and color.

  Layla bit her lip, like she had the most to say, and it put me on edge. “Well, I didn’t use my degree. I left Oliver when it got tough. I slept with someone who should have been my enemy too. I had an abortion. I made sure Hunter knew it was over yesterday when he practically followed me to work. I think that covers all the mistakes I made after the bonfire from hell.”

  We all sat silently, basking in the heavy air, where our little secrets and complications hung in the air still. Finally, it was all out in the open. Now, every time we walked into a room, we wouldn’t feel haunted by keeping it to ourselves. For five years, we acted like saints, because we thought we had to. Now we could be the Sinners we always were.

  A winter wedding instead of a summer one changed everything, down to flowers, colors, theme, and food. I don’t know how I went so blissfully unaware of how much work was put into weddings. I never played in my mom’s wedding dress or planned it out in my head like most girls. Most girls could tell you every detail, minus the groom, while I was in awe every time I showed up for my bridesmaid duties.

  It was nine in the morning, and Liz was completely caffeinated without actually consuming coffee. She gave it up, along with wine, dairy, and wheat. She was staying clear of any allergies the unborn fetus might have, even though she and Leon didn’t carry a gene for any of those allergies. She was being extra cautious with everything, except her aggressive attitude and type-A personality, domineering everyone trying to help her plan this wedding.

  She was barking orders over the counter to the baker to have her once lemon cake with traditional white frosting changed to a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, dusted with chocolate. If it wasn’t complicated, it wasn’t Liz.

  I carried her big book of contacts, plans, receipts, and every other little thing, as she argued that the additional charge wasn’t an issue if it could be done quicker.

  I brushed my fingers along the cake stands, quietly scooting further away from Liz’s personality attacking that poor baker. I let myself imagine what kind of wedding I’d want, down to the cake details. I didn’t even know if Oliver wanted to ever get married or what he thought of marriage. Jade leaving didn’t make it a good time to ask anything about commitment. Plus, the scandal still hadn’t blown over yet either; he was still suspended with very little hope that it would be resolved, since he didn’t know who it really was and didn’t expect Addi to come clean about that.

  I hadn’t seen Addi for anymore bridesmaid duties. She was probably avoiding me after I threw the hot coffee, and she was caught in the crossfire.

  Liz’s whisper in my ear, while I zoned out, scared me so much I felt myself jump and my heart skip a few beats.

  “Imagining a wedding of your own?”

  She was a creepy mind reader when she wanted to be. She saw through me, like most of the Sinners did. It was some kind of fate gifting us with imaginary ties. I appreciated it most days, but when it came to Oliver, I was sensitive about sharing my desires. I couldn’t tell if I was carrying residual trepidation or I just protected our relationship with so much fierceness that it was only ours to know.

  After we left, we stopped for breakfast at Blue Bottle, where coffee was almost as good as Intuition, but I’d settle for this instead of the two-hour train ride to Amherst every time I needed a boost.

  We thawed out at a corner table, talking over wedding plans, as the giant planning book competed for space among our breakfast.

  “Bachelorette party… are we all set? We just have to do the gift bags right?”

  I nodded my head, as I shoved avocado toast between my lips. Nothing made me more hungry than being this level of organized.

  “I have to pick up the mini wines for the bags tomorrow after work. What are the boys really doing?”

  She smirked at me, unconcerned for their well-being like I was. She toyed with my uneasy feelings, letting me imagine the worst, while she kept letting the silence build. Oliver was sober now; there would be no substances. But, a bachelor party seemed like the perfect temptation to pick up old habits.

  I wasn’t lacking confidence in him, but breaking habits for good always seemed impossible. My bad habit of forgiving people too easily was still in full swing.

  “They’re going to New York, to some cigar lounge with strippers. I don’t ask for details; just for him to keep it in his pants. Oats were sown already.”

  I finally swallowed my breath
trapped in my chest. Nothing about New York, Leon, and Oliver said “don’t worry” like her tone did.

  After breakfast, Liz dragged me around the Seaport to pop-up shops and all the other little errands that lead up to her big day. Her bump was starting to show on her slender frame, and we only had three weeks until her big day. I couldn’t believe Liz was the first one of us to get married and that we were making adult decisions—ones with everlasting consequences. That was the most terrifying part of being an adult: stepping out of limbo and making decisions that would change things forever. I was in limbo, but finding my footing finally, starting with following my heart.

  “How are you and Ollie? Is it awkward?”

  It was awkward talking about the details with his ex, even though she was my best friend. I always spared her the details, even after she and Leon had reconnected.

  “It’s like no time really passed between us. We were both frozen in time until we found each other.”

  “Ready to be a stepmom?”

  I wasn’t surprised the question came up. She was pregnant, and I was sure her brain was functioning on baby everything right now.

  “I don’t know. I don’t want him to hate me or blame me for Jade leaving. Aren’t you scared to be a mom? Not like it’s the same...”

  “Scared shitless. I have no idea how to be a mom. All the books tell you is the technical stuff, like how to change a diaper, how to breastfeed, how to hold them properly, but it doesn’t tell you how to raise them.”

  I squeezed her forearm sympathetically. “You’re gonna be great.”

  “A Sinner raising a little angel? Let’s hope there’s more Leon in there than me.”

  T hings spiraled out of control quickly. I had been skipping classes all week to avoid the not-so-much whispered hatred and sea of stares. The entire campus knew the day they pinned all of this on Ollie; it didn’t help security walked him to his car.

  That day set off a chain of events—irreversible events.

  Liz was the only person I could text, figuring she’d rescue me and tell me what to do, but her loyalty to Ollie was thicker than our blood. Her motherly senses came out, splattering my phone with multiple messages of disappointment.

  I might as well have told our parents if I wanted the fifth degree.

  Being the little sister never put you in a position of power. Liz has her pitfalls and no one holding her accountable. She was testing my knowledge like a pop quiz, and that was a bad idea, since I had stayed in the shadows to just watch her grow. My older, not much wiser, sister cheated on her SATs, and when it suited her, she’d take pills to stay up and study. Some low dose version of speed. But did I send her disappointed texts? No. I had to bite down on my tongue and pretend Miss Perfect didn’t have cracks.

  Besides Liz, I also had Mr. Married texting me, begging me to keep his secret and to let Ollie go down for something he didn’t do.

  His messages were desperate and filled with useless facts that I already I knew, like he had a wife and kids. He probably thought that would keep me in check, keep me quiet. It kind of did. There was some kind of loyalty there, and it certainly wasn’t connected to any real feelings. It was hard to define, beyond a wrecked, complex, and even more sensitive, soul.

  Probably daddy issues.

  The one person not texting me was the one person I wanted to text: Ollie. I wanted to apologize, but there was no way when I typed the letters that seemed right. I ruined his life, and the last thing he wanted was a cheap apology.

  The person I didn’t actually have was the one person who rescued me: Hunter. The day my master list collided with reality, Hunter was on campus for reasons I hadn’t contemplated until now. I was getting coffee, when the news spread like wildfire, and all of a sudden my untouchable status quickly shifted. A group of jocks behind me in line taunted me by asking why guys their age weren’t good enough or if they could change my grades what would I do for them.

  I considered myself a tough-ass bitch, until the moment fogged my vision and I practically speed-walked out of line, far away from them. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever, and when I walked out, Hunter was standing there ready to comfort me.

  A graduate being on campus was suspicious, without a doubt, but I forced myself not to care, as soon as he pulled me into his chest—no questions asked, none answered. He held me against him until my heart slowed and my tears stained his shirt. That was the same day the Sinners ran to Ollie’s side and made Hunter guilty just for comforting me. After that afternoon, I didn’t see him again. I didn’t ask for his number; he didn’t ask for mine; and we both forgot it ever happened.

  He was a shot in the dark, and I was already shooting blind. I had a married man begging me to still see him, another who hated me for not revealing it wasn’t him, and now I had one that didn’t want anything from me.

  That confused me most.

  In the darkness of my dorm room, I sat in my pajamas that I hadn’t changed out of in days. My hair was in desperate need of at least dry shampoo. I had no one that wasn’t mad or disappointed at me, or down-right validating I have problems. I wanted someone who could understand, even if I didn’t.

  My stomach growled, due to a lack of food. I literally wasn’t lying about not leaving my room. I grabbed my hydro flask from the nightstand and started chugging. This was great if I was on a diet, but I wasn’t. I needed food, and that meant leaving my room for the first time since that day. I pulled on a big hoodie and bike shorts after inspecting I didn’t need to shave by running my hand over my calves.

  I pulled the hood up to cover as much as I could and stayed in the shadows, hoping no one would notice me. Thankfully, it was late enough that most of campus was either cooped up in their rooms studying for midterms or had better plans. I was looking down the entire way, and I felt like the previously defeated version of myself, before my master list was created—the version okay living with being second best to Liz.

  I pulled the door open to Intuition, and at the same time, some guy rushed out, crashing into me. I fell right on my ass, which did not have enough cushion for that kind of bullshit.

  A hand reached out before I could examine his face. My eyes shifted, and I had met him before: Hunter—the non-sinning Sinner.

  “You okay? Sorry I was in a rush.”

  I brushed my now stripped-by-the-sidewalk palms against my sweats, ignoring his hand trying to help me up.

  “Maybe you should watch where you’re lurking. You don’t even go here.”

  He folded his arms against his chest as I got up, clearly offended I didn’t act like a damsel in distress. I’m sure that was what he was into, if he chased Layla around, while clearly she wasn’t over Ollie. I could see past his backwards cap and scowl meant to scare people off. He liked the broken ones—the ones with insecurities and ones who needed him. Hunter didn’t want to fix them like most people would; no, he wanted to keep them frozen in a perpetual state of needing him.

  I watched him closely as he shifted uncomfortably, like he knew I was looking right past him into his secrets. “I had business here. You go here and are in sweaters on a Friday night, so guess were all out of place.”

  I shoved past him into the coffeehouse and straight to Kevin, the world’s bitchiest barista. “Tall iced coffee, caramel, and almond milk. Bagel, toasted twice, and cream cheese.”

  He tilted his chin to Hunter. “And for him?”

  I jumped in with a hand up, blocking nothing, but it felt good doing it anyways. “No, we aren’t together.”

  “BLT, pickle on the side, fries, and apple juice.”

  He added to my order, while I shot him a glance with my eyes boring into him. Producing two twenties, he handed them to Kevin, while leaning over me and saying, “Keep the change.”

  “It’s the least I can do for running you over,” he said, gently.

  “Don’t you have business to attend to?”

  “Yep, but it’ll wait. I’m having too much fun dodging your woe-is-me dagg
ers.”

  I grabbed my coffee and bagel from the opposite counter and found a seat in the back, away from people who could recognize me as the girl who slept with a prof. I sunk down into the seat and left my hood on, just for safe measure. I dropped my phone on the table. It was on silent, but that wasn’t enough. Short of a new phone and number, nothing was enough.

  Hunter followed me, taking the seat next to me. “Still hiding?”

  I didn’t bother responding. The hood said enough when my hair was platinum perfection and clearly I spent time on my appearance. Why else would I be hiding all that?

  The screen on my phone lit up like a strobe light at a frat party. I ignored that too.

  “Aren’t you gonna get that?”

  “Aren’t you gonna mind your own business?”

  I was being an unreasonable bitch to someone who was there for me when I had no one. No questions asked, he had held onto me until I was dried out. I was mad at myself for needing anyone. I had conditioned myself to not even need my parents, and now I was vulnerable and needy all because I had chosen to put “married man” on my master list, like some trophy.

  His hand was quick when he swiped my phone off the table and answered it.

  “Addi is in a terrible mood. Can I take a message?”

  His face dropped, and every alarm inside me went off, knowing exactly who he heard on the other end of that call.

  Mr. Married.

  I wanted to will myself to snatch my phone from him and tell Mr. Married I was keeping him secret, but I was actively ignoring him. I watched Hunter’s eyes get small, and his body tensed.

  “You… listen to me, right now… Don’t you ever call her again. You’re doing enough damage. Call her again, and I will slap it on a billboard that you’re into taking advantage of students. Got me?”