Smothered

by Autumn Chiklis

  Mama Shell

  JUNE 20

  9:30 A.M.

  * * *

  SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT Mom brought me a cup of coffee this morning while I was still in bed and before I knew what I was doing I took a sip of it which isn’t fair because you can’t think about avoiding coffee before you’ve had a cup of coffee ughhhhhhhhh anyway I figured the seal was broken so I had five more cups in a row since I’m going to quit again tomorrow and this might be the last time I have coffee ever and THERE’S SO MUCH I HAVE TO DO!!!

  1:00 P.M.

  * * *

  Bathroom is clean. Sock drawer is organized. Résumé is finished. Pug shit discarded. I’M ON A ROLL, BABY! Bless coffee. Why did I ever give up coffee? Coffee is my goddamn blood type.

  1:30 P.M.

  * * *

  I’m never drinking coffee again. Can’t move my body. Nothing’s in focus. Head feels like it’s been trampled by elephants. UGH. Caffeine’s a sickness. Caffeine’s a disease. Who’s the devil who discovered coffee, anyway??

  1:35 P.M.

  * * *

  Just learned that Kaldi the Ethiopian goatherder discovered coffee. Ugh, damn you, Kaldi! Henceforth calling coffee goat juice. And I don’t mean the “Greatest of All Time” juice. Hold on, Mom’s calling for me.

  1:40 P.M.

  * * *

  Mom just asked if she could die from eating three-day expired yogurt. I told her at the very worst, she might throw up. She proceeded to eat the rest of the yogurt.

  9:15 P.M.

  * * *

  I have no idea what century I’m in. Passed out sometime around two. Mom just woke me up to make sure I wasn’t dead. Told her about the goat juice. She said I should try Adderall instead.

  * * *

  ELOISE LAURENT HANSEN

  Honorable mentions include:

  – Being the most awkward dancer in your mother’s Zumba class.

  – Eating an entire bowl of mozzarella sticks and not throwing up.

  – Holding the top five solitaire scores on Delta Air Lines for two years running (my record is 38 seconds).

  JUNE 21

  JUNE 22

  11:50 A.M.

  * * *

  After taking a few days to lick our wounds, Val and I have come up with an alternative approach, called Operation Suck It Up and Suck It In.

  Here’s our logic: we figure the happier Mom is with me, the better she’ll receive any unexpected news. When is Mom happy with me? When I’m losing weight, of course! Ipso facto, if I lose the seven pounds that Mom is constantly nagging me about, she’ll be happy enough with me to accept the fact I’ve been harboring a secret boyfriend for more than half a year. Boom. Foolproof.

  1:15 P.M.

  * * *

  Just mentioned my new weight-loss goal to Mom, who almost threw herself to the floor in mania.

  “OH, HONEY! I’m so proud of you!! This is so exciting … You’re already so beautiful, of course, but a good five to seven pounds and you’ll be a Victoria’s Secret Angel! I’m going to buy you a whole new wardrobe. Trust me, once you take off that inner thigh, you’ll be begging me to take you shopping. Let me get the protein powder!”

  Though I’m certain no amount of weight loss or sorcery could turn me into a Vickie Secret Angel, her enthusiasm is good news for Theo. Speaking of Theo—despite working there for only two and a half weeks, he is already getting noticed by the higher-ups at Farmhouse. The head of the LA branch (aka his boss) recently complimented him on his unique vision for food, before saying she’d “keep an eye on his work.” Not only is he making a great professional impression, but his new nickname around the kitchen is apparently “Hot-Food Hottie” … a fact that would bother me, were it not excellent leverage to be used against Mother later.

  JUNE 25

  Update: I’ve decided that goat juice is a necessary evil if I’m going to lose any weight. It was a tough decision and took a lot of deliberating, but ultimately, it’s just too much to give up gluten, dairy, sugar, AND caffeine without surely collapsing into a state of catatonia. Don’t we all deserve a vice? And anyway, a little caffeine kick-starts the metabolism … or at least that’s what “they” tell my mom.

  * * *

  FOOD JOURNAL

  • Breakfast: 2 eggs, 2 pieces of turkey bacon, 1 piece gluten-free toast, goat juice with sugar/dairy-free cream—380 calories (good)

  • Snack: Celery—negative calories (more calories burned digesting celery than are in celery)

  • Lunch: Salad with grilled chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and goddess dressing— 400 calories

  • Snack: A scoop of organic almond butter—90 calories

  • Snack: Another scoop of organic almond butter—90 calories

  • Snack: A finger dip’s worth of organic almond butter—approx. 50 calories (it’s healthy fat!)

  • Dinner: Turkey burger with gluten-free bun, lettuce, onion, pickle (good for digestion), ketchup (considered a vegetable by the US Congress), and sweet potato fries (much better than the usual russet potato fries)—600 calories (okay, b/c I burned calories earlier with celery)

  • Dessert: Piece of chocolate (had great day, so I deserve it)—a piece of chocolate is 155 calories?? Seriously?? That can’t be right … I’ll just say 100.

  Total calories: approximately 1,700.

  Notes: A good start! This isn’t so hard at all!

  JUNE 27

  * * *

  JUNE 28

  Alberto (H.E.L.P.)

  JUNE 29

  10:15 A.M.

  * * *

  One week into my health and fitness binge and I’ve gained exactly half a pound.

  I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong! I’ve been exercising, I’ve been writing down everything I eat. Maybe my body is holding on to its fat because it instinctually knows we’re going into the cold season? Wake up, body! This is Los Angeles! There is no cold season!!

  However … it IS possible that I’ve just been gaining muscle, which of course weighs five times more than blubbery fat. Yes, that’s definitely it. All of my days with Sergeant Terri are turning me into a muscular body builder type. Any day now, my jeans will start falling off me.

  Anyway, June is almost over, so I’m taking a quick inventory of my progress thus far. In terms of goals—

  Good news: I finally found my label maker! Turns out Mom mistook it for a food scale, so it was in a kitchen drawer this whole time.

  Bad news: my average wake-up time is 9:45, I have no leads on an apartment or a job, and I’m compulsively lying to my parents.

  Two steps forward, one step back.

  I’m spending the night at Theo’s again, and Mom is starting to become skeptical. When I told her I was sleeping at Natasha’s for the third time this week, she crossed her arms and narrowed her eyelash extensions at me. “Jeez, you guys are like teenagers. At least tell me you paint your nails or something. And I mean a color other than black.”

  Anyway, I want to spend the night at Theo’s because he and Jett are leaving on a California road trip! They’re spending Fourth of July weekend with Jett’s family up north in the Bay Area, which will be a much-needed break from work for them. Also a much-needed break from sneaking around for me.

  * * *

  PS: Recently learned that Alberto was a stoner in college?? Huh. You think you know a guy.

  Month Three

  Codependence Day

  JULY 1

  Ahhh, July! The glorious month in which America fought valiantly against British forces to establish its independence! A concept I deeply relate to: revolutionaries desperately fighting for freedom from a looming mother nation, which is taxing the hell out of their tea/my sanity.

  Theo is having a marvelous time up north, enhanced by the fact that he’s staying in a twenty-million-dollar estate in Palo Alto. As it turns out, Jett’s family is ridiculously wealthy because his mom is the creator/CEO of some beauty enhancement app for smartphones. Theoretically, it
’s supposed to remove any lines or blemishes from a client’s face, making them appear flawless and youthful in their precious Instagram pictures. In reality, this app makes you look like an airbrushed alien, and I highly discourage its usage.

  Anyway, while Theo has been taking private helicopter tours of San Francisco, I’ve been busy organizing the annual Hansen Fourth of July Barbecue: a task that’s done miracles for my deteriorating psyche. I love having an assignment of any kind … even if it means dealing with Party Planner Mama Shell.

  No one in this world can throw a bash quite like my mother, who’s convinced she missed her calling as an event coordinator.* Every year she goes completely overboard by booking a full staff and bringing in tables, chairs, decorations, heating lamps, and even party favors. This year, however, Mom has kindly (and questionably) decided to save money by arranging the whole barbecue without the help of professionals, appointing me as her second-in-command.

  Surprisingly, organizing events is my favorite activity to do with Mom. It employs both of our hobbies and strengths: she gets to be social and to beautify the house, while I get to create structure and make extensive lists. It’s a win-win for all involved, except for Dad, who still has to pay for it.

  * * *

  GUEST LIST

  • Shelly and Charlie Hansen

  • Stacey and Buck Hoffman

  • Susan, Simon, and daughter (Apparently, Mia is now in college and is spending the summer abroad in Madrid. Isn’t she, like, twelve??)

  • Lisa and the Viking twins (a dreadful set … must find ways to keep them contained)

  • Val and rest of the “Swaggin’ Six” (can’t remember their names on account of them all being the same person)

  • Rosa, Marco, and the Adorable Seven Dwarves

  • Alberto and Aubrey Rodriguez

  • Me

  JULY 2

  3:12 P.M.

  * * *

  This weekend is shaping up beautifully!

  Mom bought these gorgeous red, white, and blue centerpieces, as well as recyclable plates and utensils, cute little mason jars for drinking glasses, and long-lasting multicolored sparklers for the guests. She also got twinkle lights to hang above the porch, brand-new white tablecloths with silver runners and candles, a giant pool swan for no apparent reason, and an American flag scarf to wear for the occasion.

  She also purchased patriot-themed dog collars that play the national anthem whenever the pugs shake their heads.

  Meanwhile, I went grocery shopping for all the necessities: burgers, turkey burgers, veggie burgers, hot dogs, kosher dogs, vegan dogs, buns, gluten-free buns, flaxseed buns, cheese, vegan cheese, condiments, sugar-free condiments, chips, baked chips, gluten-free baked unsalted chips, soda, diet soda, all-natural sugarcane soda, sparkling water with hints of fruit to make it taste like soda, and salads.

  Oh, and ten bottles of rosé.

  In preparation for Lisa’s twins, I bought two Nerf blasters and a first-aid kit, just in case they try to bring their BB guns again. I imagine the Swaggin’ Six will probably spend the entire party on their cell phones, so I bought little party hats and cutout signs for potential Instagram pictures. I even bought a new Captain America shirt for myself, and a giant cutout of Lady Liberty wearing sunglasses.

  There is nothing we’re not prepared for.

  JULY 4

  4:00 P.M.

  * * *

  THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE AND BLUEEEE!!!

  Almost time for the big party!! I’ve been decorating the house since eight this morning. The tables are set, with the centerpieces out on display, the candles have been lit and strategically placed for enhanced lighting, the twinkle lights have been hung, the swan has been inflated, and the snacks are on the buffet table with plates, napkins, and utensils. Nerf guns: check. Photo station: check. New Captain America shirt: check.

  The guests should be arriving in one hour! Hold on, Mom needs me to turn the music on.

  4:15 P.M.

  * * *

  Mom isn’t letting me wear the Captain America shirt. According to her, “This is a house party, not Comic-Con,” which is very unfair since seventeen-year-old Val is wearing a shirt that says Political Party, with the Founding Fathers playing beer pong on it. Whatever. I’m not going to waste time arguing. Instead, I’ll wear a blue-and-white-striped T-shirt with jeans. This should be fine.

  4:20 P.M.

  * * *

  Mom doesn’t think the shirt is flattering. Horizontal stripes “accentuate the wrong areas.” Changing into a white tank top with a red scarf.

  4:25 P.M.

  * * *

  Apparently I wore the tank top and red scarf last year. Who would even notice?? Somehow Mom remembers every outfit I’ve ever put on my body, but she can’t remember how to turn the house music on. I am settling on a red shirt, blue jeans, and white Converse. That is my final offer. SHOOT. Only half an hour before the guests arrive! I’m going to put the drinks out.

  4:30 P.M.

  * * *

  Oh god, somehow the pugs got onto the table and ate all the chips and guacamole. UGH. Where is Val?! She’s supposed to be on pug surveillance!! Dammit, I’ll be right back. Have to run to the store and buy more.

  4:45 P.M.

  * * *

  Okay, I got the chips but somehow the store was OUT of guacamole, so I have to make the entire thing from scratch in less than fifteen minutes. Why, WHYYYY is this happening?? Checking Pinterest for good guacamole recipes.

  4:47 P.M.

  * * *

  Why are all the recipes on Pinterest so weird?! Guacamole with cubed eggplant, grilled cheese bacon and guacamole, triple-layer guacamole with Reishi extract and matcha powder …

  FINALLY. Basic guacamole. Let’s go.

  5:00 P.M.

  * * *

  The guac has been made, and it’s absolutely delicious, I’ll have you know. Pinterest always has the best recipes. I’m so happy with my culinary prowess. Theo would be proud!

  Okay, I’m keeping ALL chairs away from the buffet table, to avoid another dog debacle. The guests should be showing up any minute now!

  5:15 P.M.

  * * *

  Fifteen minutes past five and still no guests. Had I known people would be running so late, I’d have taken my sweet time whipping together this delicious homemade Mexican treat for American Independence Day, instead of recklessly throwing ingredients together like a contestant on Chopped.* Humph.

  OH! The doorbell! Someone is here!! All right, here we go … let the festivities begin!

  7:10 P.M.

  * * *

  So far, so great!!

  The Red Hots were the first to show up, carrying various kinds of store-bought treats. The only exception was Lisa, who made a feta watermelon salad that tasted like mushy salt. But bless her for trying.

  Dad was thrilled to see Buck and Simon, who were kind enough to bring beer instead of rosé. The Viking twins made a beeline for the Nerf guns and ran straight outside to abuse each other in peace.

  It was SO nice to see Rosa and her family, even though they could only stop by for an hour or so to say hola. Apparently, Rosa’s supposed “family emergency” was actually her niece’s quinceañera, which Mom mistook for some sort of disease. After explaining to her that it’s a cultural celebration not dissimilar to a bat mitzvah, Mom gasped and exclaimed, “OH! COMO SE DICE ‘MAZEL TOV’??”

  Al and his wife, Aubrey, show up a bit later, and to my shock, they were on a Harley-Davidson. Admittedly, my relationship to Alberto has mostly been limited to frantic text messages and emails, but the vision of him in my head does not wear a fringed leather jacket. Maybe a nice button-down shirt, or a cape?

  Regardless, I have wonderful news!! Lisa is giving me the contact into of her friend Tyler Jacoby, who works for a prominent public relations agency in West Hollywood. All of the ladies agreed that I’d be fantastic in PR … though anything with the word public does not sound too promising. Rega
rdless, this would be an amazing job opportunity, and I’d be working with the best and brightest in the business. What else could I possibly ask for?? I’ll email him this week!

  The Swaggin’ Six are all taking Snapchats and sending them to one another in the backyard with the little hats I purchased. Dad is cooking some seriously delicious burgers on the grill, and Mom can’t stop me from eating any of it. Yippee!! I love this holiday!!!

  7:45 P.M.

  * * *

  … That was terribly uncomfortable.

  A few drinks in, Susan called me over to where the Red Hots were congregated, gossiping about something that was clearly me. When I got there, Susan brought me into the circle and draped an arm over my shoulders, holding me hostage.

  “Lulu, I completely forgot to mention! My nephew is coming into town soon, and he is such a doll. Twenty-seven. Tall. A doctor. Oh! And I hear he’s going to be on one of those medical reality shows!!”

  I felt the whole group staring at me.

  “Oh! Well … no kidding!” I said in my best excited voice. Susan nodded proudly.

  “I know, he’s very impressive. I’m telling you, he’s a total catch!”

  Seeing as “I secretly have a boyfriend” was not a usable excuse, I was forced to scroll through the many Facebook profile pictures of Aaron Levin, nodding and smiling at Susan in artificial interest. After a solid minute of mimed enthusiasm, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room, but Susan caught my arm before I was able to make my escape.

  “Would you mind if I gave him your number? He doesn’t know anyone in Los Angeles, and I’m telling you, Lou, he’s so cute!”