Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  When I took them off again someone else was telling all the passengers to put their life jackets back in their cabins. I did not have a cabin (you know that) but I am good at solving problems so I thought I would find a place to hide my life jacket. I took it off and started walking with everyone else but the man at the bottom of the stairs was still there. He was saying Borrowed life jackets only. Please take the life jacket you brought from your cabin back to your cabin. Borrowed life jackets only. So I gave it to him. That is because I usually do what I’m told even if it makes me feel a bit sick. He didn’t even bother to say thank you. He just kept saying the same announcement because lots of people wanted to leave their life jackets there. They were probably not very smart. Like Miss Kenney.

  I was worried not to have my own life jacket but you could still see England through the window so I went exploring. I was amazed! There was a great big round room like in a palace and guess what? The floor in the middle was missing! There was only floor all the way round the edge — with shops! — and you could see down past the other floors to the bottom. But the most amazing thing was coming down from the ceiling. Hundreds of electric lights hanging down in a bunch! They went right down through where the floor ought to be. You couldn’t fall through because there was glass on the sides. When I looked across to the other side of the hole I could see stairs going down there. All right I thought. This is even more complicated than the hospital where I went to be tested.

  I heard the ship’s whistle and thought about my life jacket again but it was only three blasts so it was OK. Lots of people started going all in the same direction to go outside. I wanted to see why they were doing that in case it was a nemergency. It wasn’t. They just went and leaned on the railing again. When I found a place to stand I could see what they were all looking at. We were moving away from the dock. Sideways! You could hear the band playing again but you couldn’t see it. Then we started going frontways and everyone went crowding up there in a blob to see where we were going. Someone said Get in here son. You’ll get a good view. There was a boat way in front spouting water. It was shooting up as high as where we were standing and we were getting wet.

  After the spouting nearly everyone went inside. I carried on walking to the other end of the boat so I could find a really quiet place. That was when I saw the swimming pool. I could not believe my eyes. It had about a million sunloungers round it. Exaggeration! (Of course!) There were a hundred and sixty.

  There were some more people looking out over the railing at the back of the boat. They were probably looking at England because you could still see it kind of floating away. I think one lady was crying. Her Dad had his arm round her. When I turned round to find somewhere else to be I saw a sort of serving place like a café. It had a clock and I remembered — six o’clock! I decided to go and find the cocktails instead in case they were something everybody has to have. Like a life jacket.

  The cocktails were easy to find. It was a sound like a whole load of bees and some giant pigeons. You could hear them before you even got there. I didn’t want to go in there at all but if everyone was going to be having them it might be food and I was hungry. I was just going in when a lady in a uniform said Are you looking for the playroom? so I said Yes. And it was a big relief even though it was only just true.

  She said Your Mum and Dad should have taken you there. I suppose they were thirsty…And she did a funny little huff out of her nostrils. She said Come with me. I’ll show you and she started walking. Then she said What’s your name? I was alarmed. (Abandon ship! Emergency!) I said Franny because that is what MyDad calls me when my hair is getting too long. She sucked in her cheeks a bit and then she said We mustn’t try to be clever, must we. I said I don’t have to try and she stopped walking. She did some breathing without saying anything. When she thought of something to say she made her lips all pointy and then she pointed with her finger and said It’s just through those doors there. Have a nice time. Bye-bye.

  The playroom was nearly as noisy as the cocktails and all bright colours. I could feel the itchy bad school feelings coming back but there were some biscuits on a table like at a party so that was a good thing. I put two in my pocket because you mustn’t eat without washing your hands then I looked for a place by myself. There was a jigsaw puzzle on a little table behind a fat plastic climbing thing. Only two puzzle pieces were joined up so there were forty-eight left to do. The picture on the lid was of a parrot eating a nut. For a little while the itchy feeling went away. I joined up twenty-seven pieces even though someone was crying and interrupting me. I could have finished it but someone else went up on the climbing thing and dribbled on me so I left. The lady in charge of everyone was busy with a toddler that had been sick over her shoes so that was all right.

  When I was going up the stairs again I met two men coming down. One of them said Hullo-hullo! I didn’t answer because when someone says it twice you don’t have to. I did not know where to go next. There were people everywhere. I went to stand at the rail again. The sea was all smooth. I liked doing looking under the rail. It was very soothing. That was how I discovered this other thing to help me be normal. To hang on to. (MyDad’s joke.)

  After I had been doing it for a long time a boy came and said Shove over will you. I looked at him out of the side of my eye. He had a big bulge in his nose. It was disgusting but he probably couldn’t help it. He had probably put something up there like a nut or a button and it got stuck. Poor him! (I didn’t laugh out loud. It might have been dangerous.) He saw me looking at him and said Staring! And then he stood on my foot and said Are you a crybaby? I said No I never cry. He said Liar liar! Pants on fire! and then pressed down hard. I wanted to get away but I didn’t want him to follow me so I didn’t move. I just stood still like the cow when it got stuck in the hedge by Gran’s. I didn’t even blink. He took his foot off and kicked me on my shin bone and said Bye-bye twerp. I had water in my eyes. There were wavy lines everywhere I looked. But I didn’t do crying.

  When I was sure he had really gone I walked away. That was when I saw the door with the red hand on it. I didn’t know what was inside (because I hadn’t opened it yet!) but I needed somewhere no one would follow me especially him so I opened it and went in and closed it behind me. It was half dark with only a little long window high up near the ceiling. It was lovely and quiet. There were four towers made of dark blue cushions and two towers of yellow ones. That’s what I thought but they were really mattresses. (You will see.) They were blue like MyMum’s best dancing dress only she never puts it on because MyDad doesn’t do dancing. He says it’s cissy. Especially the Loco-motion. There were one hundred and fifty-six. I did quick counting. I can do that. You just have to do a little bit and then you do times tables. It was easy because they were all the same size. If they were different it wouldn’t — oh never mind. You would probably not be interested anyway. Sometimes people yawn when I talk about sums. They don’t even cover their mouths. I think it is because they don’t understand. (My cousin has a puppy that yawns when it doesn’t understand why it can’t take a biscuit off the table.) Anyway I was lucky to find the mattresses because I could squeeze behind the ones at the back. It was lovely. They sort of pressed on me after I got behind them and I felt safe like when I make a barricade. I did not even need to scream anymore. I just closed my eyes. I thought about being lucky and I thought about MyMum and how she looked lonely when she was dead.

  T

  You probably want to know what happened. I will tell you.

  It goes like this.

  It was Wednesday. It was just MyMum and me and not MyDad because he had gone to Ipswich. I was singing. I was getting ready for school like I always do and I was singing Be My Be My Baby because it’s MyMum’s favourite. I thought she was still in bed so I shouted Mum! Get up! when I went past her door. I didn’t shout Dad! because I have already told you he had gone to Ipswich. That’s quite far.

  I went into the kitchen
and climbed on the stool and got my cereal down. My Snap Crackle and Pop had all gone so there was only boring Weetabix. I got a bowl and put it on the table and put one in and then got the milk. If you pour it round the edge it makes a nisland and it doesn’t go all soggy on the top. I got a spoon and started eating. (I sat down on the stool first. Of course.)

  I didn’t hear MyMum yet so I called out again and some milk ran down my chin. It was embarrassing. I thought I heard her in the sitting room and that made me remember I hadn’t fed Jackie yet so I got the tin of birdseed. It says Cadbury’s but it’s where we keep his food in case there’s a mouse. Not a pet mouse like the ones I killed but a sort of wild mouse. Except it lives in the house. I am telling you things right now because I am not sure I want to remember the next bit. I could tell you everything like the colours on the carpet and the patterns on the curtains and how I killed my mice and what Jackie says when you talk to him and what it says on the side of the Weetabix box and the label in my shorts and what seven nines are and the front page of the Radio Times. I could tell you everything I know but then I would be an old man and I would die too so you would never know about MyMum. But you’d already be dead anyway. Haha. I’d better just tell you.

  So when I went in the sitting room I saw MyMum in the big armchair. She didn’t turn round and say Good morning Sunshine! She didn’t even move. I said Mum! I’m up! And she still didn’t turn round. I said Can I sit on your lap and eat my cereal? She was wearing her fluffy dressing gown. It’s made of the same stuff as my blanket. She didn’t say No so I went to get my cereal. When I came back she was still sleeping. (Well you know she wasn’t because I’ve told you what she was but I didn’t know yet.) So I whispered Mum! I’m getting up. I put my cereal down. When I looked up I saw her eyes were open. I laughed because she was just staring like the time she got the telegram. I said, Mum! Stop it! but she didn’t. I watched her really hard. I thought she was tricking me. Then I looked at her dressing gown. When I sit on her lap and she does breathing the fuzzy stuff moves just a little tiny bit. It tickles. I left my cereal on the little table and I climbed up. I put my cheek on the collar. It didn’t tickle. I said You’re dead aren’t you. That’s when I knew. She didn’t burst out laughing like she would if it was a trick. But I still had to ask her something because her eyes were open. I said What are you looking at? And she didn’t answer. I said Mum! What are you looking at? And she still didn’t so I said Mum can you see me? and I put my face in front of hers — like right in front — and I looked right in her eyes — like right in — and then I was a bit scared because I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t see me either in the black bit. I said You will get tired like that Mum. Go to sleep. But she didn’t so I reached up very carefully so I wouldn’t hurt her eyes and put their lids down. It was better then. She looked like someone having a really nice sleep. She looked cozy. I wanted to have a little cuddle but it was time to eat my cereal so I got down and ate it. I sat beside her on the floor with my shoulder next to her leg. When I had finished it was time to go to the toilet and brush my teeth and comb my hair and then I would have some time left over to call 999 (that’s Emergency). I had just finished combing my hair — it took a long time because of the sticking up bit — when I had a new thought. It was What?! like that with a rounders bat. What?! It meant what do you need an ambulance for if you’re already dead? I felt really silly because I was already nearly phoning it. It made me go a bit red so I stopped looking in the mirror and went to look at MyMum instead. She hadn’t moved. Of course. I felt a bit strange then. It was like everything underneath me the carpet the floor the dirt everything had fallen down a big hole and I was still standing there. I was standing on the air. Thin air! Not even that! There was nothing underneath me at all. I thought I would fall down the hole too if I didn’t think of something quickly. And then I heard MyMum’s voice only it was inside my head. It said What’s next Frankie? What’s next on the list? It’s what she always says to me when I get lost in the day and begin to feel a panic. So I thought Go to the toilet and brush my teeth and comb my hair and…GO TO SCHOOL! Then I knew what to do. It was easy. I would go to school and I would tell them about MyMum and they would know what to do when the person is already dead.

  First I went to MyMum and told her. I got on tiptoe and whispered it into her ear because I was a bit embarrassed. It was like when you talk to Jackie and then you remember he doesn’t speak English.

  I got the funny feeling again (only it’s not funny) so I got down and put on my coat and my shoes. MyMum looked lonely all by herself. I went back and said Don’t worry Mum. I’ll tell them. They’ll know what to do. And then I gave her a kiss and then another one because she didn’t notice. And then I went to school.

  On the way I saw the milkman. He was just going home. I knew that because the bottles in the back of his float were empty. He waved. I wanted to call out but my throat wouldn’t work. It was like what happens when you have a dream. After he’d gone past I turned round to try again but he was already driving round the corner.

  I was thinking about it a lot when I fell asleep behind the mattresses but I don’t remember anything else until I felt them moving and then it was the next morning.

  Gran

  Dear Lord. I still don’t believe it, seeing her like that. I knew at once she weren’t alive, even with the curtains closed. I said, Patti? I don’t know why I was whispering. Patti? She could have been a waxwork. If you didn’t know. If you forgot to breathe. It wasn’t her. It was what they call her remains. Patti was long gone. The room was full of it. I wanted to get out quick but my God, poor Patti. I put the end of my sleeve over my nose and went over to her. I didn’t like to look at her face, it seemed indecent with her mouth open. But I wanted her to know it was me and I’d come and I’d help her, so I touched the back of her hand. Cold as a statue in a church.

  I found her doctor’s telephone number in her address book on the hall table. I could hardly dial, my hands were shaking that much. I waited in the garden for him to come. That bloody dog barked at me the whole time, as if I didn’t have enough to wreck my nerves.

  When the doctor come he took a look at her and then we went into the kitchen. He said, Where is Mr Walters, Mrs Walters?

  I said, Ipswich, I think.

  The doctor said, Hmmm. It’s going to be rather a shock.

  I said, We can’t leave her here like this and he said, No of course not. He said he’d be calling the police. A sudden demise like this, Mrs Walters, he said. It’s a matter for the coroner.

  After that it weren’t long before they took her away, poor love. I couldn’t watch. I cried my eyes out soon as they’d gone.

  When I pulled myself together I made another telephone call. The telephone makes me all jittery. I got the number of Len’s company through Directory Enquiries and rung them up. It took all my patience and in the end it didn’t do no good. They rung Ipswich and Ipswich rung back and then the first lot rung me and said Sorry, he’s already left. Useless. I’m glad I don’t have one.

  I went down the school next. I said, I’ve come to collect Francis Walters. He needs to come home with me. The secretary said, I’ll have to check with the Head. You’re his gran aren’t you?

  When she come back she said, Yes, that’s all right. I’ll just go and fetch him. But then she come back without him. She said, I’m sorry. Miss Kenney says he’s absent today. And just then her telephone rung so she said, Excuse me, and I was left standing there. But there was no point in staying. There wasn’t any way I could bring myself to talk about any of it to a complete stranger. I went back to the house. I thought, Right. If he’s not at school he’s got to be hiding. But I don’t know if I believed it. Not really.

  I went all over looking for him when I got back. Every room. Then I went outside and looked. In the coal cellar, in the shed, down the end of the garden. That’s when I got really worried. I didn’t bother going next door, not with the dog
there like that. No point. He’s terrified of it. No, I thought. The police station is where I go next.

  They asked a load of questions. But I wasn’t much help. I hadn’t seen Patti or Frankie since Tuesday so I couldn’t tell them much. I was only going there this morning with the fish I always fetch her. They took a load of notes all the same. They’ve been very kind. They said I could wait here if I wanted and they made me a cup of tea.

  That was hours ago. They’ve been back since. Asking a load more questions, this time about poor Patti. One of them started talking overdose. I’m not joking. Not in so many words, mind you. Things like “access to sleeping pills,” “tranquilizers, painkillers.” I know exactly what he was getting at but no. She’d been through all that and come out the other side, poor love — and no thanks to Len. No. That wasn’t it. It was her diabetes. I know it like I know my own self. She’d never have done it on purpose. Never would have. I don’t care what they find. I won’t ever believe that. Even if things were rocky with Len she still loved him — I’m not blind — and she loved Frankie to bits. Tantrums, panics, silly behaviour, screaming — none of it mattered when push come to shove. She put up with it all. And more. Seven days a week. Unlike Len. And if anyone ever said a word against him, against Frankie — well, look out! Too right, she could have been my own daughter! She gave them a bollocking down at the school when they kept him in for not eating his Brussels. And good for her. But I don’t think it helped in the long run. Know what I think? I think that’s when they come up with the word “difficult.” It was when she went down the school and made all that fuss that time she said they treated him like a trained monkey. But I would have done the same in her shoes. I know I would. You stick up for your own, don’t you.