Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  That’s three foot nine. By the way. Two of my favourite numbers — together!

  When I had finished blinking I went out to have another look for France because it was Number One on My Plan. I made it number one because it was the furthest place away from my house and especially my school and I didn’t want to go to Gran’s. And anyway MyDad promised we would go to France when MyMum was better. MyMum wasn’t better but she wasn’t sick anymore either. (That’s true. By the way.) So this was my plan.

  My Plan

  1. Go to France.

  2. Find a police station.

  3. Ring MyDad.

  I was a bit worried about my plan. Even when I blinked.

  While I was outside I had a stroke of luck! (That is much better than only a stroke like Grandad haha.) It was after I went out of the playroom. I found a piece of cheese. A big piece. Just what I needed. I found it by the swimming pool. (Yes I know! A swimming pool on a boat! I was amazed too when I got on. I had not been on a big boat before.) You had to be careful at the pool. A big notice said Children must be accompanied by an adult except they got the spelling wrong when they painted it. People always put their ens in the wrong place. You could find biscuits there if you were quick. There was a sort of little hut where they served the souls Bovril and Cocoa in mugs with biscuits on a plate. People threw their biscuits at the seagulls but they were not very good shots. I found some under the chairs. That’s when I spotted the brown paper on the ground right near door of the hut and in it was the cheese. It was much too big for a sandwich so it probably fell off the ledge where the waiters put the mugs of Cocoa to take them to the souls in the deckchairs. I stuffed some of it in my mouth. I had it in both my cheeks and I put some in my pocket. I could not fit any more in. But then I had a nidea. I needed a cache. It’s spelled like that. It sounds like stash but it’s spelled c-a-c-h-e. I saw it in True Tales of The Great White North and I asked Miss Kenney how to say it and then I asked if it was spelled right and she said You really are a remarkable little boy. So I still don’t know. Sometimes she is not very helpful. Maybe lots of times. A cache is where hunters (in the Great White North where I told you) put their leftovers when they catch too much food. A kind of outdoor cupboard without any doors. Or a fridge only not electric and they don’t tell anyone where it is.

  I looked everywhere until I found the best place. It was behind the red box on the wall that has a little window and a naxe inside. It would have been better if the cheese could be inside too but not really because then everyone would have been able to see it. So actually it would be worse. There was a gap behind the box. I reached up and pushed the cheese into the gap. It just fitted. I told you I was lucky.

  I went inside next to get a drink of water because cheese makes you thirsty. There was a water fountain right outside the toilets. When you pressed the tap the water came out in a shape like a bridge. Or maybe a rainbow. It was quite hard to do because the edge of the dish was about forty-two inches high and you know how tall I am. Anyway it was hard to lean over and I got water in my ear. It made me miss MyDad. I could hear him laughing in my head like a nimaginary Dad. But I wanted my real one.

  I heard a girl say Do you want me to press it for you?

  I said No thank you.

  I carried on drinking.

  When I had finished she was still there. I think she wanted to be my friend. Or perhaps she was thirsty. She had brown curly hair like knitting and brown skin and white eyes with brown in the middle. I think she was a coloured person. That is what you say. Not piccaninnies like on Miss Kenney’s ladder. MyMum said Miss Kenney is wrong. Actually she said Miss Kenney is a nobstacle to human progress but I think it’s the same thing.

  The girl said You’re always by yourself. Is there something wrong with you? She had glasses and she looked at me hard right through them. Perhaps she had bad eyes. I hope so because my chin was dripping and I didn’t want her to notice.

  I said I don’t think so.

  She said You should make a suggestion.

  I said What do you mean?

  She said A suggestion. You can ask for anything you want and put it in the Suggestion Box.

  I said Where?

  She said At the Purser’s Office. Kay? You should ask them to make a shorter drinking fountain.

  (She had noticed!)

  Then she said You don’t have anyone to play with do you. Do you want a friend?

  I said No thank you.

  She said Why not?

  I said Sometimes friends make me mad.

  She said Would I make you mad?

  I said Only a little bit.

  She said Well then. That’s all right then. We’re friends then. Kay?

  I said Kay.

  She said What sitting are you?

  I said Pardon?

  She said You know. Dinner. Half the people are in first sitting and half the people are in second. I’m in first. You could ask to be in the first.

  I said You mean tea. And souls.

  She said Put it in the Suggestion Box.

  I said What?

  She said Oh never mind and then she went so I carried on exploring. It was much better if I kept on walking around because then people didn’t talk to me. I still had to be careful where I went though or they might say You again! I did so much exploring I was tired to death. (That’s not a nice thing to say. By the way.)

  I found the Purser’s Office. It was true what she said about the box.

  After that I found two places to sit but each time a nadult came and said All by yourself? so I stopped doing that. I didn’t even have a ticket.

  I went up to the next deck where there are not so many people and I saw…Guess! A dog! I did not know they let dogs on a boat. It belonged to a man who was sitting on one of the deck chairs with his face looking up. He was not seeing anything because he was blind (and there is nothing to see. At sea.). You could tell he was blind because his dog had a handle on its back and a little cloth under it with the same stamp as the ones on the collection box outside Tesco’s. I saw him sitting there on Thursday but I hurried past because he looked a bit suspicious. I didn’t see his dog then even though I’m observant. It must have been lying down really flat. There was a nempty deckchair next to his. A dog would be a good friend to have so I decided to go over. Blind men are definitely not suspicious.

  I was still nervous climbing up. He knew I was there even though I was very quiet because his head made a little move like when a fly lands on you. He didn’t look at me because he couldn’t. He just turned his head a tiny bit and then turned it back again.

  — Hallo! (It was him!)

  — Aak…! (That was me. It wasn’t a word it was only the sound I did when he made me jump.)

  — Hallo. (That was me again. I was trying to be normal.)

  He didn’t saying anything. I was still a bit scared and I didn’t know what to say because it was not my turn. But I couldn’t wait forever.

  — You’re a blind man aren’t you? (That was three turns for me. Now it was definitely his.)

  — Yes I am.

  — Is it terrible?

  He was doing smiling and not answering at the same time.

  — Can you hear me? (That was me.)

  — Yes. I can hear you. No. It isn’t as terrible as you think.

  — You know I think it’s terrible?

  — I’m just guessing.

  I told him I liked guessing too. I said I’m guessing the name of your dog right now.

  — Shall I guess your name?

  — No. It’s Frankie.

  — Pleased to meet you Frankie. How old are you?

  — Seven. (That was probably the biggest whopper I’d ever told. I’m only just six. But everyone always thinks I’m seven.)

  — I expect you want to say hallo to Alec.
/>   — You said it!

  — What?

  — His name.

  — I’m sorry.

  — I don’t care. There are lots of things for guessing all the time.

  Alec was standing up wagging his tail like mad and doing smiling too.

  — Do you want to pat him?

  I was nodding. I was so stupid. Nodding!

  — Yes. (It sounded really loud.) I started getting off the deckchair but he said Hold on. I have to tell him first that it’s all right.

  — OK Alec. Playtime!

  I said Hallo Alec. You’re a nice dog Alec. Good boy Alec good boy. His fur was all soft and he really loved me you could tell. He was pushing his nose all over me.

  The blind man said Tell him to sit so I did and he did it.

  I said Look! (Silly me.) But he got up again.

  — No sit Alec. Good boy. No sit. He’s doing it but he keeps getting up again.

  — Alec sit. (That was the blind man.)

  — Are you cross?

  — No not at all. That was just my voice for a command.

  — Like a norder?

  — Exactly.

  — Like I command you to lie down. I did the voice and Alec really did lie down. But only for one second.

  I said Look! (Again! Double stupid.) He’s standing up again. He’s smelling me.

  — Perhaps you’ve got something in your pocket.

  — Can you see? (That was me.)

  — No. But Alec can always smell food.

  The cheese! I had forgotten about the cheese.

  I said I have to go now. Bye-bye.

  — See you again. (That was him.)

  — Hahahahahaha. (Me.) (You probably knew that.)

  I had forgotten all about the cheese. Of course Alec would smell it. He’s a dog. Dogs have really amazing noses. They can smell where the FA cup is if it’s stolen. They can even smell if you have been touching it. Even if you wash your hands. Even seven times. And they can find people. They just have to smell where you started out and they can follow your smell all the way to where you are. Only no one could find me now even with a dog. Unless they were a really good swimmer.

  I looked for somewhere to go and eat the cheese. After a little while (that’s what books say and this a book. Right?) I found the perfect place where no one takes any notice of you. It was like The Regal in Yardley Street where you go to the pictures (but I’ve finished being surprised). Inside it was all seats and all dark and some boys and girls were watching with the sound up too loud. They were gawping at a stupid film where the people weren’t even real. Well actually they weren’t even people either. They were a mouse dressed up and a broom (see what I mean?) and not even a real mouse and a real broom but flat like drawings. I sat in one of the itchy seats that tips up. The music was too loud. It made me think about the bad things that had happened to me so I couldn’t eat anything. I tried to make a list of good things. I couldn’t think of any. The noises on the film made me want to scream a bit and then I had to rock so I wouldn’t. The music got louder and louder and there was crashing and clattering and a whole lot of banging and all right it scared me a lot so I closed my eyes. I got down low and put my arm over my head until it stopped. I forgot all about thinking. I could only do wishing. Like I wish MyMum was still alive. And I wish MyDad was here. And I wish I could go to a police station in France. It was a good job the loud noises stopped. The terribleness sort of flaked away and everything started to get all joined together (like the blue). Blurry and fuzzy. Like my blanket when I was little.

  I had a bit of cheese and I tried to stay awake to enjoy all the blurry furriness but I went to sleep anyway. When I woke up the lights were on and the film had finished. The dream I had been having vanished but I definitely had it and it was definitely about MyMum. I could sort of hear her voice in my head but I didn’t know what she had been saying. It was like when I’m watching telly and she says Frankie! I’ve been talking to you for five minutes! Said.

  There was no one else in the pictures. The itchy seats were all tipped up and they were a horrible colour like you-know-what. If you step in it. I thought Time to find somewhere else. Really fast. But not running. That only makes people stare.

  Outside the sea was all pink again like when I got up only dark pink. It helped me to calm down. It was smooth like counting.

  There weren’t many souls on the deck. The clock by the swimming pool said a quarter to seven so half of them were probably finishing their tea (except they call it dinner). That meant six hundred and fifty-eight were not having their tea. Dinner. Six hundred and fifty-nine if you count me. They could have all been looking at the sea if they wanted to but they weren’t. There was only an old lady an old man and a nordinary man still sitting in their deckchairs and a nother man having a cigarette with his friend and a lady pushing her baby round in a pushchair. So six hundred and fifty-three were somewhere else. In their cabins washing their hands I expect ready for their turn or having a little sleep. I’m good at arithmetic. (I wasn’t counting the baby you know. It’s probably not a soul. Even though it’s a board. A board is what sailors have to say. Like All a board!)

  I decided to see if there was any more food I could get with no money (that’s not the same as steal. By the way.) in between when the first people came out and the new people went in. I sneaked behind a great big china vase right next to the door. It was shiny yellow and green and it was bigger than a barrel. The edge of it would have come up to my chin but I was on my hands and knees so I could pretend to be looking for something if anyone noticed me. The plant in it was gigantic. It looked like a palm tree indoors. Actually I think it was a palm tree indoors. It had leaves like in the Bible hanging down all the way round. It probably needed watering like MyMum’s. The droopy leaves were good for hiding. There were lots of people waiting to go in. No one noticed anything unusual especially not me. Joke. They were all talking at once and not listening to each other. I think they were over-excited.

  I had to do breathing carefully with no noise really really small. (That’s what I thought MyMum was doing by the way when she wasn’t. Breathing I mean.) The people who had been having dinner started coming out. I waited until the doorway was sort of crowded so I could sneak out and dash round the edge of the door.

  I darted in — that’s what you say like for a narrow — and dodged between the people who were still inside and did really fast looking. It’s what hawks do. They have to. They look down while they’re flying along so they can spot things on the ground and then swoop down and catch them. They have to be ready. So that’s what I did and straight away I spotted a chip on the edge of a table. I snatched it and flew off (but I put the chip in my pocket not in my beak ha ha.) I was just rushing out again when I spotted a whole basket of rolls on a trolley so I snatched one of those too before I went out and no one noticed. That’s what I thought but I was wrong. It made my heart stop and start again. A lady was talking right to me. She was wearing a dress that had no shoulders and no sleeves and a diamond necklace. She said Wasn’t that a dreamy dinner! (So she wasn’t very observant!) And then her dad talked to me as well. (And he was!) He said It’s all right kiddo. We won’t tell. I didn’t answer. I just kept saying in my head Don’t answer Don’t answer Don’t answer. Just fast walk away. As fast as you can.

  All the way back to the pictures my heart was even going faster than my feet.

  There was someone hoovering up at the front but no one else was in there. I ducked in behind the seats at the back where they make a kind of triangle with the wall and sat down on the floor. I had to wait for my heart to sit to down too. I did breathing. Slow breathing. Trying not to make a noise.

  I was not even hungry any more.

  I ate the chip but it was sort of burnt and I couldn’t make the roll go down quickly. I had some of the cheese that was in my pocket too.
On the last swallow I thought of a joke. Only it wasn’t very funny. My neck went all hard and the bread kept getting stuck. That’s why I couldn’t swallow. It was nearly making me panic so I got out before the hooverer could notice me. That was a relief. A relief is what MyMum always says. Well that’s a relief then Chuck. Said. (Except it’s like I can still hear her talking.)

  I couldn’t stop thinking about my joke. Do you want to know what it was? I’m a soul who stole a roll. It made me feel a bit sick even when I thought about it. And then it got even worse because…the cheese! I had stolen two things! It did not seem like stealing when I picked it up because it was on the floor but it was. So stealing plus dirty. Plus still not seeing France. It made my legs wobble. I didn’t know what to do next. I hate that. That’s when other things can get inside your head like Lie down and do screaming. I did not want those things to get in so I decided to go to bed until I heard the boat stop. I have never had wobbly legs in bed.

  I went along all the way past the place where everyone had been standing on Thursday when they were waving to England and I found the door with the red hand where the blue and yellow mattresses were. There was nobody to see me. (That’s a relief then Chuck!) BUT THEN. I could not open it. Someone had locked it. They didn’t have to lock it if it had a red hand! My heart was beating so fast it was making me rock. I don’t like it if I have to do rocking. I did not want a strange man to say Hallo hallo. I’m a doctor can I help you? It would be even worse if I cried like I sort of wanted to. Then it would be a kind granny and you can never get away from them. Or a mum and mums always guess the truth straight away. (Nobody knows how they do that by the way.) I thought I might have to just lie down and do screaming. Or maybe I would have to run away again except I would have to jump off the stupid boat first. I even went to the railing to see how far down you would have to jump. (Hint — not a short way.) Then I remembered the helpful thing and did that instead. It was much better than screaming and it was extra good making the line disappear because it was nearly dark. The sea and the sky were all pinky purple and the sky over the top of the boat was blue (navy blue!) and they had put the lights on while I was looking at the red hand so everywhere was pretty. I felt a lot better. You can only think of good ideas when you are feeling better. If you are not feeling smooth you can only think rubbish like Help me help me help me. And there will probably be nobody there anyway.