Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  Alec!!

  I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I was one hundred percent sure the blind man meant I NEED to die. When someone says they need to do something it means they really have to do it and you have to leave them alone, like — YourMum needs to be by herself for a bit. Or — I need to be with YourMum for five minutes. People are always saying it. Francis needs time to be by himself. Francis needs to do counting. So really I had to leave the blind man alone. But if I did no one would feed Alec. It was a cunundrum. That’s a puzzle. Like the pipes under the kitchen sink.

  I tried to work it out like a notice board in my head.

  If I do tell someone

  1. They will put the blind man in a sack and throw him in the sea.

  2. They might let me keep Alec. BUT

  3. They will find out I don’t have a ticket and MyDad will go to jail.

  If I don’t tell someone

  1. No one will know about the blind man.

  2. No one will feed Alec and he will Starve to Death like a refugee from Hungary.

  3. They will put them both in a sack when they find them and throw them in the sea.

  Somebody needed to tell them. Me? Probably. No one else would do it. I was the only one who heard what the blind man said and the only one who knew he did it. It was really terrible. I did not want to tell anyone. They would only think I was making it up again.

  Be brave Frankie. You know who that was. I always do what MyMum says. Especially when she’s dead. It would be horrible for her if she could see me not doing what she said. I did want to tell someone really but I didn’t want them to not believe me again. They would just do asking questions instead. They would say things like How do you know? And if I said I heard him they would say What were you doing in the blind man’s cabin? Is he your dad? And if I said No they would say Where is your dad then? And then MyDad would be in big trouble because they would find out I didn’t have a ticket and you know what they would do then don’t you. Jail for you Mister!

  I could just do hiding until we got to New York. But that wouldn’t be brave. I did not want them to throw Alec in the sea too.

  After I had been round the big deck three times I still hadn’t told anybody. I didn’t even know who to tell. I hadn’t seen any sailors all the morning. Not one. I could tell it to another soul but everybody I met always did jokes with me. They would think I was joking back if I said The blind man is dead. And anyway what if I made things go wrong? Sometimes it’s better to keep things all to yourself. Like a secret.

  I nearly told a lady who was standing by herself looking at the sea — with nothing to see (but you know that one). She was there for a long time. I went to stand beside her. She didn’t say Hallo or Hallo sonny or even Hullo-hullo or anything. She just kept looking.

  I did a little cough so she would know I was there but she turned the other way and walked off. I expect she needed to be by herself.

  Then I found a sailor. Finally! He was near the swimming pool. He had a hose turned on. It was all across the deck and he was shooting water over everything then putting the hose down — without even turning it off so he could do mopping. He kept doing that — hose mop hose mop hose mop. I was watching him. The water was all running away and going along the edge. He was a bit busy but I wanted to tell him anyway. Then when I started to go there he shouted out Not this way laddie! See the rope? So I couldn’t go there. I didn’t want to shout out what I had to say. I don’t expect you would either.

  I looked for other people who were by themselves because I don’t like saying things when there are two or three or four or five people together. They always do jokes to each other. It’s embarrassing. It’s like you are invisible. Not many people are by themselves on this boat. They are always with someone else.

  I saw the man with the podgy hands but I didn’t go near him — of course.

  I kept on looking anyway. I did see one man. He had his shorts on and plimsolls on. He was doing extremely fast walking. I remembered Be brave! and stood in the way and said Excuse me. It didn’t work. He did a kind of L. He stepped sideways and said Watch out son! and carried on one side sort of all in one go.

  I gave up and went inside. Straightaway I saw a man by himself outside the shops. He looked bored so I thought Good news for me! He also looked a bit like my Uncle Jack so I went right up to him and said Excuse me. The man in room sixteen forty-two is dead.

  He put his eyebrows up and looked at me and said My my my! I hope it’s no one we know.

  I said It is. It’s the blind man.

  He said Oh the blind man. I know him. That is sad.

  I said But his dog’s alive.

  He said Well, that’s good news. I’m glad to hear that. Ah!

  He said Ah! because his wife (or it might have been his Mum) came out of the shop and got hold of his arm.

  She said They didn’t have it in my size but they said they’re cut really large and I could try it on so I said I’ll just get my husband. What was the good news?

  He said Oh it was good news bad news. The —

  And then I didn’t hear anymore because they were in the shop.

  Some grown-ups are useless. A lot of them actually.

  I looked all morning. At twelve o’clock I went up to the top deck where you get the beefburgers. I wanted one but all of a sudden I didn’t want to go in without the blind man because everyone was helpful when I was with him. I wasn’t brave enough today. Not brave enough to have your dinner? I wished I hadn’t heard that. I thought brave was only when you have to get a splinter out or rescue someone from a fire. I didn’t think you had to be brave all the time. I thought you could just be who you are the rest of the time. Like shy for instance. Being shy is the same as being mean or being a bully. You can’t help it. I like being shy. It means you can stay by yourself and no one bothers you. But actually that’s not true. They do. They come up and say Don’t be shy! But they never tell you why not. As if you’re supposed to be brave all the time. Perhaps you are.

  Anyway I was being brave about one thing today when I found someone to tell so I didn’t have to be brave about my dinner. It was equal.

  I thought Alec will be getting hungry too. Like me! I would have to find someone soon even though I was scared I might make things go wrong and someone would get into trouble. Guess who?! Or MyDad.

  I thought about telling the lady in the playroom but she is just like Miss Kenney. I think she hates me. I waited to go into the yellow tent to do pretend sleeping before I tried again. I had to wait for ages. Two girls and a boy were playing kissing in there. It was horrible. The boy said Do you want to play? It’s Postman’s Knock. That is a disgusting game. You have to go outside and kiss the person who knocks on the door but they were playing you have to go inside and kiss them. I said No thank you. I wanted to tell the lady who doesn’t like me but you mustn’t tell on people. Anyway I think she knew because all of a sudden she went over and said All right. That’s enough. Time for someone else to have a turn. Come on out now.

  Another boy went in afterwards but he got bored and came out again so I went in. He should have taken Five Go to Pirates’ Cove in with him.

  It was nice and quiet inside the yellow tent (and sunny!) for pretend sleeping. While I was doing that I had a kind of daydream. I was walking on the deck behind some people and I suddenly remembered that I had not tucked my third ear in. Yes I had three! It was terrible. No one else had an extra one. It was growing across the top of my head. There was a sort of slot there where I could tuck it in so no one would notice and point at me. I had to tuck it in so quickly I was out of breath when the daydream stopped. Straight away I had a nidea. It was — You don’t have to tell anyone anything. YOU CAN WRITE IT DOWN!!! You can write it down at the table where the paper and the crayons are for drawing. YOU CAN WRITE A SUGGESTION!!! Then you can put it in the Suggestion Box.

  I got out an
d went over to the table. I picked a red crayon because red for emergency and red for first aid (and red for blood. Obviously!) I wrote —

  My suggestion is

  Then I was stuck because I didn’t really have a suggestion. The blind man is dead is not a suggestion. Then I thought of one. I wrote —

  A sailor needs to go to see

  and then I got a navy blue crayon and drew fifty-six wavy lines over the words because it sounded like the song I don’t like.

  The lady came and looked over my shoulder and said That’s nice dear. I told you she wasn’t very clever.

  I started again. I wrote —

  Someone should go to the blind man’s cabin to see if he is dead. If he is someone should feed his dog. His name is Alec.

  I had to use seven pieces of paper because crayons make your printing big.

  The lady came back the other way. She sort of pushed all the pieces about while she was reading. Then she said Leave some paper for the others now.

  I said All right but I didn’t look at her. She sounded a bit cross. I got a nother piece of paper and wrote

  PS The number of the blind man’s cabin is 1642

  I put all the pieces in a neat pile and folded them all up together so I had a very fat square then I stuffed it in my pocket.

  There were lots of people at the Purser’s Office. They weren’t lining up. They were in a clump and everybody was listening to the sailor in a uniform. The Purser! Ding! He was telling them a story.

  I didn’t know how to post my letter without anyone seeing it was me who put it in so I went away. I thought of lots of ideas but none of them were any good. I went outside to wait. I stood at the rail to do looking. It was all blue like the first day when I got a board. I stayed a long time. The pointy corner of the fat suggestion was poking my leg. Sometimes I changed my place (so no one would get suspicious) and started all over again. It was very soothing. Once I saw the quoits boy. He was holding hands with his Mum. That was not fair. I only looked at him once because it made me feel bad.

  After a little while (that’s something else they say in books) I went back to the Purser’s Office. Everyone had gone. Except the Purser. Of course. But that was even worse because now he could easily see me if I put it in the box so I went past and went to the Library instead. There were hundreds of books in the Library all the same. They were all brown or dark blue or dark red or dark green. Not lots of bright colours like at school or in my bedroom. They were sort of matching in long lines. I got a small one and took it to a round table. I can’t tell you the title because I didn’t know how to say the words (I think they were foreign) but I can spell them for you because I have a good memory. (I’m not boasting. I’m just reminding you.) They went J-U-S-T-I-N-E space O-U space L-E-S space M-A-L-H-E-U-R-S space D-E space L-A space V-E-R-T-U. I got a big surprise when I saw the pictures. They made me feel funny like the pictures in Here Comes Noddy Again when the robbers steal all his clothes and leave him without any. You could see the people’s naked bodies like you can see Noddy’s. They were being so rude I would be in trouble if I told you. So I put it back.

  The next one I got was Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime. I could read some of the words but there were too many hard ones I didn’t know how to say like L-e-v-é-e and p-e-e-r-e-s-s-e-s so perhaps it was a foreign one too. Somebody went by the back of my chair and said Goodness me! Can you read that? I said No and put it back on the shelf and went back to the Purser’s Office.

  The Purser was busy showing a lady a map. Their heads were really close together. I reached up to the box and pushed my suggestion through the slot. They both sort of looked up for a second but then they looked back at the map. They didn’t care so that was a good thing.

  Every time there is a good thing there is a bad thing right after. When I was leaving the Purser’s Suggestion Box I passed the notice board and this is what I noticed —

  4:30 p.m. The Titanic! (slides) Queen’s Lounge All Ages

  I know a lot about the Titanic. MyDad told me one of the most important things was that no one thought it would sink but it did. I started thinking about that. I had really bad thoughts. Like No one thinks this ship will sink either. But just because no one thinks it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I decided it would be a good idea to go to The Titanic! because it might have useful information about how to get in the lifeboats if you are only three foot nine.

  It was a long time to wait. I did walking about the ship. Outside the dining room someone had put a blue rope where the gigantic pot had fallen over and broken. Some men were clearing up the dirt. Everywhere I went people were clearing up except some boys in the café outside. They were throwing tomatoes about.

  Right at 4:30 I went to the Queen’s Lounge. There were lots of people already sitting down. My tummy was all mixed up because everything felt so important. I wanted to remember exactly how to get into the boats. No one else looked nervous. I was just going to sit in a nempty chair when the lady next to it put her hand on it and said This one’s taken. Go down to the front dear with the other children. It wasn’t what I wanted to do because I could see one of the tomato throwing boys but I didn’t want anyone to see me having a nargument so I went.

  A man came in and said Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen boys and girls. He had to say it twice because nobody stopped talking. Then he said Today I have a special treat for you. A privilidged look at some rare photographs from the arkives documenting the construction of the opulant fittings that made the Titanic the greatest lady of them all. A look if you like at her wardrobe and her jewels. I didn’t know what he was talking about. When he said Lights someone turned them off. Then the tomato boy kneeled up and I couldn’t see all of the pictures. The first one had lifeboats because it was the whole ship you could tell. But after that they were nearly all pictures of stuff inside like stairs and curtains and lights and mirrors and all the tables and chairs with the man talking about how much everything cost — A lot! All right, I’ll tell you. Total (that means everything added together like all the stuff I’ve already said and the pianos and carpets and pictures and doors and sinks EVERYTHING even taps) cost. Two hundred million pounds. After he said that I could hear MyMum’s voice in my head. So that was a waste of bloody money then Frankie. I bet they were mad.

  There were loads of pictures but they were all about stuff. I had just started thinking about my supper when another man went up and gave the first man a piece of paper. He read it and said Ladies and Gentlemen (he forgot the boys and girls bit) we have a surprise for you and everyone went really quiet. He said We have been informed by the Marine Navigational Services of the Canadian Coast Guard that on our present course there is an excellent chance of sighting one of several sizeable icebergs currently drifting in a south easterly direction from the Arctic Circle. Apparently they are within (he was reading again) one hundred and fifty nautical miles of the southern banks of Newfin Land which puts us in a very good position for a close look.

  I felt sick.

  Someone shouted Not too close I hope! and everybody laughed. Except me because I knew the sailor had said it on purpose. Anyway it wasn’t funny to think about.

  The sailor said Well Ladies and Gentlemen (he still didn’t say boys and girls), that’s about all we have for you and — he looked at the clock — it’s just about dinner time (he meant supper) so I think we’ll leave it there and wish all passengers in the first sitting bomb appatea. And — well — for the rest of you — the rest of us haha — the sun’s almost over the yard arm so…Good health!

  The man behind me did a loud whisper to his friend. He said That means he’s going to go and get hammered.

  Sometimes you don’t know what people are talking about.

  Everybody got up and started going out at the same time. Nobody lined up so that was good. I could sort of squeeze in between people and no one took any notice.

  And then one lady did. She
smiled at me and said I bet you can’t wait to see a niceberg. You’d probably like it if we ran right into one! Hahahahaha (she was laughing at her own joke).

  I said No I wouldn’t.

  She said Oh pardon me Mr Sobersides.

  I didn’t go to have dinner. I didn’t have a nappetite. Not one. It was as if I was already full up because I had eaten too much. If I thought about eating something — even a piece of cheese — it made me feel sick like in the storm. It was sort of like being dizzy. Everywhere I went I heard people saying the word iceberg or else Titanic. They didn’t seem scared at all only pretend scared. Not like me. Every time I heard one of the words I got more frightened until I was terrified like in my dream of the ship falling over. I wanted to know what the blind man would say but he wouldn’t be able to say anything. He would be dead quiet — haha. (That was only miserable laughing. Like MyDad when he pretends to be that man on the radio.) Or if they found my note he might even be already buried at sea. Poor Alec. I wished the blind man wasn’t dead. And then I wished MyMum hadn’t died in her armchair so I didn’t have to be on this boat at all. I didn’t want to see a stupid iceberg ever.

  I went up to the deck with the sunloungers. The mattresses were still on them so I didn’t have a bedroom yet. I went back inside all the way to the big armchair where I did observing the sea. I pushed it a bit so it was facing the window straight. It made me feel better. No one could see me properly and I couldn’t see anyone, except sometimes I could see their reflections sort of walking through the glass. Like ghosts. Only real. I stopped watching the sea and watched for people walking by. (They were behind me really.) I started making secret bargains like If I count to ninety-nine I will see the blind man and If I count to one thousand I will see MyMum. After I had done a whole lot of counting I could not wait to go to bed and close my eyes to make the time go faster. I don’t like being terrified for a long time. It’s tiring. Being asleep is all right because you can’t see or hear anything scary (unless it’s a boat in the middle of the road!) and when you wake up it’s the next day. When the sea was pink I went back and checked again. Yes! My bedroom was ready!