Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  I said, Poor little mite. I’m so worried about him.

  Mr Herbert said, Let’s just hope he didn’t get in a car with someone. So then they were all talking at once.

  I thought, Thank you very much Don.

  When Mrs Wainwright said, Oops! Time to ring the bell, I felt so relieved. But it only lasted a couple of minutes. It all started up again inside the classroom.

  Where’s Frankie, Miss? Is he lost? Is he dead, Miss? Is he? Is he?

  Yes, is he? I thought. I sincerely hope not. We shan’t see the end of it, otherwise.

  I told them their nonsense had really got to stop. No one had any news to tell, and in any case it was nothing to do with them. It was wrong to keep talking about it the way they were. Of course then Mr B. calls an assembly and we all troop in. The noise in there was like a nature film I saw on the BBC. Gannets or something on a cliff. All talking at once. The volume was tremendous even though it was all whispers. It stopped just like that when Mr Bladgeworth came in, though. He only has to stand there. I thought, That’s real control, that is.

  Boys and girls, he said, I have some good news. Well! There was uproar. They found him! He’s alive! And all sorts of other nonsense. Someone even shouted, He’s dead! Mr B. was red in the face. But he just he stood there. That’s his tactic. He waits until you can hear a pin drop. Mrs Mahoney, he said, is still in the hospital following her accident but I’m happy to say she’s making good progress and she is expected to go home by the end of the week. You could still hear a pin drop. Miss Coleridge’s class is preparing a giant get-well card and it will be coming to your classroom some time during the day for you to write your names on it. There was still silence so he said, Let’s all thank Miss Coleridge, and everyone started to clap. Except me. I didn’t know where to turn. I rummaged in my handbag and found a hanky and then — I hate to say this — I did a couple of fake sneezes to sort of cover the fact that I was bawling my eyes out, I don’t know why. I think my emotions were all mixed up. When the clapping had stopped, he carried on. And now, he said, we’ll say an Our Father and a Hail Mary for our little friend Francis Walters. Somebody said — in quite a loud voice — So he is dead? — and they all turned round. Mr B. said, That person with no manners will come to see me after assembly.

  Our Father, Who art in Heaven —

  And we all joined in.

  We didn’t really know what we were praying for. That he’d be found? That they’d find him alive? That his soul would go to heaven if he wasn’t? That he was already there?

  It seemed like a long day. It’ll be even longer tomorrow. We have to stay for a staff meeting after school. Mr Herbert told me Mr B. is thinking of giving me Junior Ones next year. Guess who’ll be in my class if they find him?

  I don’t suppose I’ll get much sleep tonight either. It’s the not knowing, isn’t it.

  Chapter 10

  MONDAY PM

  (because it’s night-time)

  It did work. I went to sleep. When I woke up I had to hold my breath. I could hear sniffing. Something was sniffing me! You can hold your breath but you cannot hold the smell of you. I could hear that tiny tiny whimper like under the bus after the high up squealing. I thought What if it’s a ghost that came just because I thought about it? A ghost of the run-over dog. I didn’t want to see it. I kept my eyes closed. I know ghosts are not real but I was still worried. You can’t hold your breath forever. It will make you die in two minutes. In one minute and fifty-nine seconds. One minute and fifty-eight seconds. One minute and fifty-seven seconds. One minute and fifty-six seconds. One minute and fifty-five. One minute and fifty-four. One minute and fifty-three. It went away.

  I said Phew in my head. I could do breathing. I thought I heard footsteps but then it was quiet. I could hear the sea hissing and plopping. Like a nanimal. Like a night-time animal licking the sides of the boat.

  I tried moving ever so carefully so I could squeeze over just a bit and look through a little tiny gap.

  Everything was white and black. It must have been midnight. I could see the painted white lines like for tennis and all the white painted railings underneath the long wood one. Everything was really bright with the electric light shining on it and the sky was really dark black. I could see white out on the black sea too. Little white worms. They kept appearing and then vanishing. Magic worms.

  But I couldn’t see the scary thing that was sniffing me. I was probably looking out the wrong side of the mattress. There was no room to turn round. Or maybe there was nothing there and it really was a dead dog ghost. Don’t be silly Frankie. You know better than that.

  A dog! I thought. A dog is the only thing that does sniffing like that and Alec was the only dog on the boat. And he always did that tiny squeaking. So who was with him? Where was the blind man? Still in his room? In the sea? Not here. Please I said in my head Don’t let him be here.

  — Who’s there, please? Somebody’s there. Who is it, please?

  He was! He was right there somewhere beside me. Talking to me! Not dead I thought. Please don’t let him be dead because if he is —

  I heard my Mum’s voice then. It said Frankie? There is no such thing as ghosts. There is no such thing as ghosts. There is no such thing as —

  I was more quiet than a mouse — a dead mouse haha — but Alec’s squeaking just got noisier and noisier.

  — Who’s there, please?

  I didn’t answer and I didn’t move and he couldn’t see anyway so I was really safe. Really really safe. But it didn’t make any difference. I was shaking like when the sailor got hold of me.

  I heard him do some footsteps going away. And then he stopped.

  Very very carefully I squeezed round — without making any noise — and looked out the other side.

  I could see him! And I could see Alec. He was real and not a ghost nor was the blind man. Of course they were not. They were real and they were both over by the rail and they were both listening. I could see they were. We all were. Alec had turned his head to look at me and his ears were up. The blind man doesn’t have ears that go up but I knew he was listening because he couldn’t be doing looking like I do when I stand there. I could hear Alec doing that tiny tiny sound again.

  And then all of a sudden they were coming back. Right this way! The blind man had his hand out. And then I couldn’t see him anymore. He was right there just on the other side of the pile.

  — It’s all right Frankie. You can come out. I won’t tell.

  What? I thought. He knows I’m here? And how does he know it’s me?

  He let Alec push his nose right in.

  — I have your sock he said. It’s washed.

  — Thank you.

  — Won’t you come out and put it on?

  — No. You can push it through the hole where Alec is.

  And he did it!

  — It’s not quite dry. I’m sorry.

  I said I don’t mind. I’ll put it in my pocket.

  — Night-night then.

  — Where are you going?

  — I’m just going over there to sit on the sunlounger.

  — It’s night-time!

  — I can’t sleep in my room.

  — Because it smells bad?

  — Well perhaps yes. But it’s mostly because I’m worried about you out here all by yourself.

  He bended down now. He was really very close.

  — I’m all right thank you.

  — I know you are. I’m just wondering about a few things.

  — Like me! I do wondering all the time. I was wondering if they had buried you at sea —

  — You can come out you know and talk about it.

  — No, it’s all right thank you. I’ll stay here. I don’t have to wonder anymore about if they have and will they throw Alec in too.

  He did not say anythi
ng.

  I waited. Then he did.

  — I’ve been wondering for instance why you are all alone and how you got onto the boat.

  (He knows I did lying!)

  — How do you know I’m all alone?

  — I suppose I’m quite clever too like you and Alec.

  — You know I’m clever?

  — You told me. And you’d have to be smart to get on without anybody noticing.

  — It was easy but don’t tell anyone. I just walked on with all the other people and everyone was talking and doing kissing and stuff —

  — Frankie?

  — What?

  — I really need to sit down. If you want to tell me the rest you will have to come and sit beside me.

  — Can we do that? Sit on the sunloungers when it’s night-time?

  — Yes. There are some other people doing it.

  — Frankie?

  — Ssh. I don’t want the other people to know.

  — It’s all right. They’re on the other side and they’re asleep anyway.

  — All right.

  Alec went crazy when I got out. He widdled a bit. I love Alec.

  — I think he’s pleased to see you.

  — Hahaha.

  — What?

  — You look funny with your sunglasses on at night.

  — I expect you look funny without your socks.

  I helped the blind man pull a mattress out and put it on a sunlounger and then we got another one so we could have one each. It was freezing. He let me hold onto Alec. He said it’s very important not to let him go. We lay down on the sunloungers. But not Alec. Of course.

  I told him a lot of things because I hadn’t talked for a long time. I probably told him about twenty-seven. More things than I tell MyMumandDad. They always have not enough time for all the things. I even told him my plan to get off the boat in New York. I put him in my plan. I said I will get off with you and I can help you — like a dog — see where you’re going and you can help me phone MyDad. I’ll dial the number for you.

  He said Thank you Frankie. I’m actually an expert at dialling. But I won’t be getting off.

  I said You won’t? But that was stupid because he had already said he wouldn’t.

  Then I had a bright idea. I told him I would come and stay in his cabin then and we could go back together. Alec would like that.

  I said When two people sleep in a bed and they’re not married they sleep one at the top and one at the bottom. That’s how they put sardines in a tin.

  He said I don’t think so.

  I said Oh that’s just because you’ve never seen them. I forgot you can’t see.

  He said No. I mean I don’t think it will work for us.

  I said Why not?

  He said People will think it’s questionable. We’re not in the same family.

  I said MyMum said it doesn’t matter what people think. He just went Oh Frankie! Like this — Oh Frankie!

  I said You sound like MyDad.

  Then these are all the things we said next without the saids. (I told you they make me tired.)

  — Are you missing him? (I’ll start you off. That’s the blind man.) He’ll be missing you so badly.

  — I don’t know what you mean. (Me. Now you can do the rest yourself.)

  — Yes you do. It’s like being lonely.

  — I’m always lonely. I like it.

  — But your dad might not. It’s nice being with people you love.

  — Unless they’re dead. Can I sit on your sunlounger?

  — If you like. Just keep hold of Alec remember?

  — I don’t forget anything. That’s why my head is so full up. Miss Kenney said my head is full of nonsense but it’s not true.

  — I’m sure it isn’t.

  — It’s full of important things like the capitals of all the countries and The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

  — Oh yes?

  — Yes. Do you want to hear it?

  — No thank you. Not right now. Can you see if this is one of the crew coming?

  — It is. How did you know?

  — An inspired guess.

  — Will he tell us to go to bed?

  — I don’t think so. Excuse me?

  — Yes sir?

  — Could we have some blankets please?

  — Certainly sir. Oh Mr Knight sir. Just give me a couple of minutes.

  — How long are we going to stay here?

  — I think we’ll stay until we make you a new plan.

  — What’s wrong with my old one?

  — I don’t think you’ve worked out the details. There could be all sorts of difficulties too that we need to think about. You don’t have a ticket or a passport.

  — I could hide all the way back. People see me all the time. They don’t care.

  — Here you are sir. (That was the sailor with the blankets. I expect you guessed if you were paying attention.)

  — Thank you very much.

  — Shall I — ?

  — No thank you. We can manage. Thank you very much.

  — See what I mean?

  — I do. Here. You have this one. There keep it double.

  — Thank you.

  — That’s better isn’t it?

  — Yes.

  — Cozy?

  — Yes thank you. What do you mean details?

  — All sorts of things.

  — Like where’s the phone in New York?

  — That kind of thing yes.

  — And I don’t have any money?

  — Yes.

  — I will find a kind old granny to help me and she will ring MyDad and he will come and get me.

  — Not bad but a plane ticket costs a lot of money and your father might not have enough and then you would be stuck.

  — Oh.

  — You know what Frankie? I think you need to let me help you. Will you do that? If I think of a good plan?

  — I might.

  — Then let me do some thinking.

  — I love doing thinking.

  — Well then do some right now and we’ll both be quiet.

  We were quiet for a very long time. My eyes were closing and then opening again. Even though I was very tired but they kept on opening. Doing sleeping outside is very pretty. If you do staring straight up into the sky it is enormous. It is very dark black-blue but if you keep looking and looking in the same place you can see more and more stars as if they are peeping out. Like chicks. Peep! They are all different sizes and some of them go on and off. You can even see some that are different colours. I used to think stars were all yellow but it’s not true. They’re not even all white. Only some of them. Sometimes you think you know everything and then you look and you find a new thing. Like I thought the Milky Way was in Cornwall. It is like a river in the sky. MyDad showed it to me when we went to Mullion’s Cove to go camping but guess what? I could see it on the boat even though we were nearly in America. Isn’t that amazing? It is like being inside a magic trick.

  I looked for a long time. It was like being on a ride at the fair but with no frights. I could feel the boat underneath the sunlounger kind of tipping just a bit just a bit and just a bit more then ever so gently tipping just a bit just a bit and just bit more back the other way. Like on a really slow swing. There was a lot of time for counting.

  When I was at seven thousand three hundred and forty-two the blind man interrupted me. He said Frankie? in a really tiny whisper.

  I said What? all tiny back and he laughed.

  He said I was just wondering if you were awake.

  I said Yes.

  He said Are you lying on your back?

  I said Yes.

 
He said With your eyes open?

  I said Except when I blink.

  He said Tell me what you can see.

  I said I can see the chimney if I tip my head back.

  He said The funnel.

  (I knew that. I just forgot for a minute.)

  I said It’s huge and I can see a white thing. It has sort of sticks underneath and it’s curved round like a piece of tangerine sideways. But it’s not juicy haha.

  He said Where is it?

  I said Just beside the funnel.

  — That will probably be the radar. It sends pictures to the bridge so they can see if there’s anything in the way.

  — I know.

  — I thought you might.

  — Tell me what else you can see.

  — I’m asleep now.

  — Night-night, then.

  — Now I’m awake.

  — Oh Frankie. You really cheer me up.

  — Usually I make people really mad. Do you want me to tell you what else I can see?

  — Yes please.

  It’s all stars. Millions and millions of them. I’ve been counting but I haven’t got to the end yet. I haven’t even got out of the middle. It’s like counting sand. That’s what they look like. Sparkly sand on a black beach. I’m a radar. I’m sending you a picture.

  — Thank you.

  — Could you see when you were a little boy?

  — A bit.

  — So you know what stars look like?

  — Yes but I like to hear about them.

  — Well you know it’s all black right? Well then it’s like someone threw glitter on it millions and millions of glitter bits and they all stuck so now it’s like tiny tiny lights and some are sort of right on the ceiling and some are higher up sort of past the ceiling.

  — I can see it.

  — You can?

  — In my mind’s eye.

  — You have another one?

  — Everyone does.

  — Really? (It was just like the dream I had about my third ear.)

  — Close your eyes. What can you see?

  — I can see all white with hundreds and millions of black dots and a black radar.

  — Wait a little bit. Keep your eyes closed.