Notes on a Cowardly Lion
Page 48
Lahr: (To Straightman) Hello there. Where, where are you going?
Straightman: I’m going fishing—Do you know where I can get some fish?
Lahr: Sure, walk down a block and turn to your right—there’s a fish market there.
Straightman: I don’t want to buy any fish. I want to catch them.
Lahr: Oh. You want to catch some fish?
Straightman: Why don’t you come along?
Lahr: No, I’ll stay here and catch myself some dears.
Straightman: Deer hunting? On a seashore? Is that a new sport?
Lahr: New sport? Why dear hunting is one of the oldest of seaside sports.
Straightman: Say, do you mean d-e-e-r-s?
Lahr: No, I mean d-e-a-r-s.
Straightman: Oh, I got you—chasing the chickens again. Well, I don’t know about that sport.
Lahr: I know, that’s why you’re going fishing.
Straightman: What! Well, lots of luck and goodbye.
Girl: (Enters and silently flirts with Lahr. She trips.) Oh, that was my foot.
Lahr: Yes. I know it wasn’t mine.
(Girl goes into tent.)
Lahr: Well, it looks like the hunting season is now open. (Girl takes off bathing suit and throws it out.)
Lahr: (Picks it up.) Empty. I never did care for these things empty. I think I’ll take it down to the drug store and have it filled.
(Girl starts screaming.)
Girl: Oh me! Oh my! What the—ooh!
Lahr: A lady in distress. I must look into this.
(Lahr starts to go into tent.)
(Sticks her head out.) Oh, you mustn’t come in here.
Oh—I thought you were in trouble.
I am. Someone has stolen all my clothes.
Isn’t that nice?
What?
I mean, it happened to me twice.
Can’t you help me—Where is my bathing suit?
(Sees suit and kicks it out of sight.) Bathing suit? Oh yes, where is it? (He offers pants, hat.)
Oh, that won’t do. Can’t you find me something else?
I am sorry, miss, but I’m a stranger in town. You better come out and help me look for it.
Oh, but I can’t come out like this!
That’s all right with me.
But I haven’t got a thing on.
Neither have I—where shall we go!
Oh, stop fooling, I must have something to wear.
(Looks around and finds a newspaper on bench.) The very thing—a newspaper.
A newspaper! Why, how?
Wrap it around you like an apron. You can see how it looks on me.
(Puts it on and walks across the stage, giving back to audience.) Do you think it will be all right?
Why, it’s just the thing for the hot weather.
Thank you. (Goes back into tent, then comes out again.) Yoohoo, I won’t be long. Don’t worry. I’ll wait.
(Lahr sits down on bench. Jeanie comes on.)
Hello!
Goodbye.
Hello, my name is Jeanie—what’s yours?
Santa Claus.
Hello, hey! Why don’t you say Hello? Don’t bother me, little girl. What are you doing?
Waiting? No. I’m not waiting.
Who are you waiting for? I’m not waiting for anybody. Well, how long are you going to wait? Will you go away—you don’t have to wait any longer. You’re my Daddy, aren’t you? I hope not.
Why don’t you want to be my Daddy? No, I don’t want to be your Daddy. Well, whose Daddy do you want to be then?
I don’t want to be anybody’s Daddy—Can’t you see I’ve got some things on my mind?
Jeanie: What’s the matter, are you in love?
Lahr: No—I’m not in love. Come back in fifteen years and I’ll talk business with you.
Jeanie: Nobody loves you?
Lahr: No—Nobody loves me.
Jeanie: Well, I love you. (Falls over him.)
Lahr: Listen, little girl—Go ask that man where the tide goes when it goes out.
Jeanie: All right—Goodbye!
(Girl comes out of tent with newspaper dress on.)
Girl: Well—How do you like it?
Lahr: Oh! It’s ripping!
Girl: Oh! Where?
Lahr: No, no—I mean it’s swell, it’s a pipping.
Girl: Don’t you think it’s too long?
Lahr: Well, yes, but we’ll fix that. (He tears off a strip.) How’s that?
Girl: That’s better, but it’s a little too plain.
Lahr: Plain? Say do you like scallops?
Girl: Yes.
(Lahr tears scallops.)
Lahr: Is that better?
Girl: Oh no, I don’t like that at all.
Lahr: Say, I can’t keep this up all day. (Tears another strip.) How’s that?
Girl: Oh, that’s better.
(Jeanie comes between them.)
Jeanie: Is this her?
Lahr: Is this who?
Jeanie: The one you had on your mind?
Lahr: Oh, isn’t she cute? (Takes Jeanie off stage. She comes back.)
As I was saying—(Jeanie is between them.)
Girl: Who is this child?
Lahr: I don’t know, never saw her before.
Jeanie: Oh, he knows me, he’s my Daddy!
Girl: Daddy! Is she your child?
Lahr: Oh, no, she’s joking. Come here, little girl, here’s a red dime, go out and get yourself some rough on rat lozenges.
Jeanie: Thank you—goodbye (going off). I’ll be right back and give you some of my candy.
Lahr: Won’t you sit down?
Girl: I can’t sit down.
Lahr: Why? Did you hurt yourself someplace?
Girl: No, I’m afraid I’ll tear my dress.
Lahr: Oh, that’s all right, we’ll buy another.
(They sit down; Jeanie comes on crying.)
Jeanie: Booo Hooo (etc.)
Lahr: What’s the matter, honey?
Girl: What did you do to her?
Lahr: She looked at me and started to cry.
Girl: Well, you must have done something to her or she wouldn’t be crying that way.
Lahr: Come here, what’s the matter?
Jeanie: I lost my dime.
Lahr: How cute—she lost my dime.
Never mind, I’ll give you another.
(Lahr looks for dimes, but he hasn’t got any.)
Lahr: Go on, I’ll owe you one.
Jeanie: No, I want it now.
Lahr: Here, here’s a white one.
Jeanie: I don’t want a white one; I want a red one.
Lahr: Well—tomorrow I’ll give you a blue one.
Jeanie: Thank you, Daddy.
Lahr: Don’t call me Daddy.
Jeanie: All right, Daddy.
Lahr: I’m not your Daddy.
Jeanie: Goodbye, Daddy!
Lahr: Goodbye, try and get yourself run over, dear. (To Girl) Nice weather we’re having.
Girl: Yes, but I hope it doesn’t rain.
Lahr: Rain—I hope we don’t have a wind storm. Let’s look at the weather report. Ah! here it is, fair weather with gradually rising temperature.
(pause) Can I depend on that?
Girl: You must not believe everything you see in a newspaper.
Lahr: But I believe everything I see in this newspaper. (Makes a pass at Girl.)
Girl: Oh, don’t—someone might see us.
Jeanie: Oh yes! I can see you.
(Lahr puts Jeanie between legs.)
Lahr: As I was saying—
(Woman enters.)
Woman: I beg your pardon, have you seen a little girl around here?
Lahr: (To Girl) I beg your pardon, have you seen … Oh, no. (To Woman) Please, lady, don’t bother me.
Woman: My baby, my baby, I’ve lost my baby.
Lahr: That’s too bad—I’ve lost plenty of them, but you don’t see me bragging about it.
Jeanie: Yoohoo—can’t find me.
Woman: Oh! There you are, come to Mother, Mother’s little lamb.
Lahr: Lamb—if that’s a lamb, I’ll never eat lamb again.
Woman: So you were hiding my child?
Lahr: Hiding your child! Why, we were trying to get rid of her.
Jeanie: He gave me money to buy candy.
Woman: Oh, you were stealing my baby.
Lahr: Stealing, I’ll give her a thing or two Lady—Pooh! Pooh.
Woman: You can’t get out of it this way, I know what you are, you are a couple of kidnappers.
Girl: Kidnappers, why the very idea. (Starts arguing.)
(A fight takes place. Jeanie kicks Lahr, Woman tears dress off Girl. Girl runs into tent.)
Woman: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, stealing children at your age.
Girl: We don’t want your child.
Lahr: No, we have our own.
Girl: What!
Lahr: No, I mean, if we want them, we’ll have them.
Woman: Come here, we’ll not talk to these crooks.
Lahr: Crooks! Say, I’ll have my lawyer write you a letter.
Girl: There are my clothes!
Lahr: So you’re the Jessie Jimmy.
Woman: Come, dear, here are your clothes.
Girl: Thank you.
Straightman: Straightman comes on with some fish.) Say, look what I caught, isn’t that a beauty!
Lahr: Beauty. Why, you should see what I caught.
Straightman: What?
Lahr: The most beautiful girl you ever laid eyes on—ooh! Come here, I’ll introduce you to her.
Straightman: Maybe she has a girl friend.
Lahr: Miss—may I introduce a friend of—
Girl: Ooh!
Straightman: Why you darn fool—that’s my wife.
(Blackout)
Appendix 4
“Chin Up”
From Life Begins at 8:40 (1934)
by David Freedman
This sketch, by one of the most successful comedy writers of the period, represents the more sophisticated comedy Bert Lahr was attempting in the mid-thirties. In it, controlled tone, limited gesture, and sparse language were Lahr’s comic resources. The opportunity to burlesque upper-class attitudes delighted Lahr; he was to have similar opportunities later in Du Barry Was a Lady and The Beauty Part.
A drawing room. Well furnished. Richard enters, looking dour.
Pater: Not well.
Richard: What is it?
Pater: Gambling debt.
Richard: Gambling debt?
Pater: Can’t pay it, broke.
Richard: Borrow?
Pater: Can’t borrow, no credit.
Richard: One thing to do.
Pater: Right. Honor of family.
Richard: Other way out?
Pater: Not sporting.
Richard: Right, stout fellow.
Pater: Got a bit here?
Richard: Poison?
Pater: Right.
(Butler enters with glass on tray.)
Richard: Here you are.
Pater: Thanks.
(Butler exits; Pater raises glass.)
Give you the Duchess.
Richard: How jolly.
(Pater drinks.)
Richard: Does it hurt?
Pater: Rawther.
Richard: Well, chin up.
Pater: Chin up.
Richard: Stiff upper lip.
Richard: Honor of family.
Pater: (Prone) Honor of family. Cheerio, my boy. (Head drops.)
Richard: Cheerio, Pater. (Glances at watch.)
Must dress.
(Starts to go, but there is a knock on door.)
Come.
(Agatha enters.)
Hello, Agatha.
Agatha: Hello, Dick.
Richard: Chin up, Agatha … (indicates)… the pater.
Agatha: (Looks at body.) Passed out?
Richard: Passed away. Gambling debt.
Agatha: Too bad.
Richard: Right.
Agatha: Dick.
Richard: Yes, Agatha.
Agatha: Our wedding anniversary.
Richard: Right.
Agatha: Something to tell you.
Richard: Right.
Agatha: Other man.
Richard: (Walks over to her.) You?
Agatha: Right.
Richard: Not faithful?
Agatha: Not faithful.
Richard: Rotten business.
Agatha: Putrid.
Richard: One thing to do.
Agatha: Poison?
(Butler enters.)
Richard: Right.
Agatha: Got any?
(Butler at her elbow, poison on tray.)
Richard: Here you are.
Agatha: Thanks. (Takes glass. Butler exits. She raises glass.) To the Duchess. (Drinks.)
Richard: How jolly. Does it hurt?
Agatha: Rather.
Richard: Too bad … well, chin up.
Agatha: Chin up.
Richard: Stiff upper lip. Honor of family.
Agatha: Honor of family … Cheerio, Dick. (She expires.)
Richard: Cheerio, Agatha. (Looks at watch.) Must dress. (Starts to walk left. Knock on door.)Come.
Mater: (Entering) Richard, my boy.
Richard: Mater.
Mater: Yes—
Richard: The pater—dead. (Indicates.)
Mater: (Looks at bodies.) Right—and Agatha.
Richard: And Agatha.
Mater: Beastly.
Richard: Right.
Mater: Chin up.
Richard: Chin up—stiff upper lip.
Mater: Right.
(Richard starts to go.)
Richard.
Richard: Not well?
Mater: Perfectly well—something to tell you.
Richard: Right. (Pause) Difficult?
Mater: Terribly difficult.
Richard: Right.
Mater: You.
Richard: Yes?
Richard: Not legitimate?
Mater: Not legitimate.
Richard: Bastard?
Mater: Quite.
Richard: (reeling) Chin up.
Mater: Chin up.
Richard: (Regaining precarious restraint) Stiff upper lip. Honor of family.
Richard: (Stands erect.) And you?
(Butler enters.)
Mater: One thing to do.
Richard: Right.
Mater: (Sees Butler at elbow.) This it?
Richard: Rather.
Mater: Thanks. (Raises tumbler.) To the—
Richard: Duchess.
Appendix 5
“If I Were King of the Forest” from The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Lyrics by E. Y. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen.
The comic lyrics of E. Y. Harburg were written with a careful understanding of Lahr’s personality. “If I Were King of the Forest” sports impossible rhymes (“elephant/cellophant”) and funny vowel sounds (“genuflect”) that Lahr could elongate and make outrageous. In this song, the character of Bert Lahr, his film role, and the world of fantasy are adroitly combined.
Lion: If I were king of the forest, *
Not queen, not duke, not prince,
My regal robes of the forest
Would be satin, not cotton, not chintz.
I’d command each thing,
Be it fish or fowl,
With a regal woof,
And a royal growl.
As I’d click my heel
All the trees would kneel
And the mountains bow
And the bulls kow-tow
And the sparrows would take wing,
If I, if I were king.
Each rabbit would show respect to me,
The chipmunks genuflect to me,
Tho’ my tail would lash
I would show compash
For ev’ry underling,
If I, if I were king.
Just king.
Dorothy, Tin Man, and Sc
arecrow:
Each rabbit would show respect to him,
The chipmunks genuflect to him,
His wife would be Queen of the May.
Lion: I’d be monarch of all I survey,
Monarch of all I survey.
Mahahahahahahahahahah—ah—narch of all I survey.
Dorothy:
Your Majesty, if you were king,
You’d not be afraid of anything.
Lion: Not nobody, not nohow.
Scarecrow: Not even a rhinoceros?
Lion: Imposserous.
Tin Man: How about a hippopotamus?
Lion: I’d thrash him from
His top to his bottomamus.
Scarecrow: Supposin’ you met an elephant?
Lion: I’d wrap him up in cellophant.
Dorothy: What if it were a brontosaurus?
Lion: I’d show him who’s king of the forest.
All: But how?… How?
Lion: How? Courage!
What makes a king out of a slave?
Courage.
What makes the flag on the mast to wave?
Courage.
What makes the elephant charge his tusk,
In the misty mist or the dusky dusk,
What makes the muskrat guard his musk?
Courage.
What makes the Sphinx the seventh wonder?
Courage … Courage.
What makes the dawn come up like thunder?
Courage.
What makes the Hottentot so hot,
What puts the “ape” in apricot,
What have they got that I ain’t got?
All: Courage!
Lion: For courage is the thing of kings,
With courage I’ll be king of kings,
And all year round
I’d be hailed and crowned
By every living thing.
’f I, ’f I, ’f I, ’f I, were king …
If I—Iffffff-I—were KING.
* Copyright 1938 (Renewed), 1968 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc.
Appendix 6
The Baseball Sketch (1951)
By Abe Burrows. From Two on the Aisle, a revue by Betty Comden, Adolph Green, and Jule Styne.
Directed by Abe Burrows.
The Baseball Sketch is one of the first Broadway comedy bits about television. Abe Burrows originally wrote it as a vehicle for himself, but he revised the sketch to emphasize the ballplayer (Lahr), not the announcer. For the Baseball Sketch, Lahr wore a New York Giants uniform (his favorite team), complete with baseball spikes. As a long-time friend of many ballplayers, he enjoyed the chance to wear the outfit and spoof the national pastime.
The sketch began with a TV announcer sitting at a table with a microphone and scripts, unconscious of the television camera pointed toward him. He is bored. Suddenly a light goes on.