Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader
Page 1
Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader
Michael Brunsfeld
Bathroom Readers’ Press (2012)
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* * *
Uncle John’s
FAST-ACTING
LONG-LASTING
BATHROOM
READER
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!
“I love to read your books. They make the world a better place.”
—Dan A.
“I worship your books. They are the best. Congratulations on making the only book I’ve read in five years that I wasn’t forced to read. Rock on!”
—Vincent D.
“My four children, ages 12 through 18, have learned more from the Bathroom Readers than any other book. Can’t wait for the next edition to come flowing out of the bookstores! You deserve a seat on the throne. You have helped us freshen up our intellect!”
—Linda L.
“I have finally found a place of refuge in the worst of times. The BATHROOM. With your Bathroom Reader and an iPod, my bathroom experiences are great. Thanks. Keep bringing those books.”
—Tony C.
“I learned a lot from Bathroom Readers. I only read two but it’s like reading 500 regular information books.”
—Randy R.
“My son is CRAZY for Bathroom Readers! Every October he says, ‘Don’t forget my new BR for Christmas, Mom.’ And, of course, he gets one. (He got his buddies at work hooked on them, too.)”
—Marie S.
“I love the Bathroom Reader series. Your books are funny, clever, informative, and at times, quite touching. They’re a cross between the Encyclopedia Britannica, Poor Richard’s Almanac, and Mad Magazine. Keep up the great work!”
—Your #1 celebrity fan, Eddie Deezen (The guy who played Eugene in Grease, Malvin in WarGames, Dopey in Attack of the Killer Bimbos, and has voiced dozens of cartoon characters)
UNCLE JOHN’S
FAST-ACTING LONG-LASTING
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2005 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader® by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-600-5
E-book edition: Februrary 2012
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Miss Nevada, 1959, was Dawn Wells. Five years later, she starred as Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island.
Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jesse!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Thom Little
Jay Newman
Julia Papps
Brian Boone
John Gaffey
Jeff Altemus
Malcolm Hillgartner
Jahnna Beecham
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Rain Thering
Sharilyn Hovind
Gideon Javna
Sydney Stanley
Paul Stanley
Allen Orso
Jenny Baldwin
Nancy Toeppler
JoAnn Padgett
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Scarab Media
Jef Fretwell
Kristine Hemp
Dan Schmitz
Connie Vazquez
Richard Staples
Jeremy Busch
Debi Taylor
Kyle Coroneos
Rad Welles
Jack Mingo
Erin Barrett
Jennifer Thornton
Jennifer Browning
Dan Mansfield
Maggie Javna
(Mr.) Mustard Press
Steven Style Group
Mana Monzavi
Keziah Veres
Shannon Kehle
Angela Worthington
Barb Porshe
Paula Leith
Chris Olsen
Rebecca Kaiser
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
* * *
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster is goes.”
—Andy Rooney
Huh? The word school comes from the Greek word for “leisure.”
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
* Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Medium
Oops!
Uncle John’s Creative Teaching Awards
Hamburger 911
The Doctor is Out (of His Mind)
Oops!
Fake News
Oops!
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Bathroom Names
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
The Dawn of Fertilization
Bathroom News
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Ironic, Isn’t It?
Food of the Gods
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Medium
Too Risky for Guinness
Cheddar Man
Go, Granny, Go
Double Trouble
Weird Beauty Pageants
It’s a Weird, Weird World
You Call That Art?
Edited for Sensitivity
Ironic, Isn’t It?
Bad Granny
The Pajama Report
Long
“I Know Someone Who Looks Just Like You”
TV OR NOT TV
Medium
Wacky TV
Alternate TV Guide
The Vampire Slayer
Long
*The Miniseries
CRÈME DE LA CRUD
Medium
Bad Musicals
Video Stinkers
Lemons
HUT HUT HIKE!
Short
Football Names
Hut 1…Hut 2…Hike!
Medium
Pudge Goes Pro
Halftime
Long
The Birth of the NFL, Part I
The Birth of the NFL, Part II
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Life in 1902
Life in 1966
Medium
The Woman Emperor
Forgotten History: Shays’ Rebellion
Infamous Weapons
Vanished!
Secret Subway
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Long
The Great Pig War
Just Plane Amazing
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Firsts
What Does it Take?
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
Famous Lasts
Unplanned World Records
Dubious Achievers
Longest Lasting…
Medium
What Side Are You On?
Unplanned World Records
Nudes & Prudes
Nudes & Prudes
BUSINESS
Short
Odd Promotions
Plop, Plop, Quiz, Quiz
Finger Lickin’ Quiz
Medium
Capital-ism
Brand Names
But Wait! There’s More!
Here Comes the Spammobile!
Pain in the…
Funny Business
Long
But Wait! There’s Still More!
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
Origin of Nachos
Medium
They Are What You Eat
Name Your Poison
You Want Fries with That?
Scotland’s Dish
13 Names for a 12-inch Sandwich
The Man Who Saved a Billion Lives
Long
*Tiny Bubbles
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Famous Last Words
Medium
The Body Farm
Long
*Ashes to Ashes
CANADIANA
Short
Canadians on Canada
Medium
Weird Canada
The Foggiest Place on Earth
Hair in Canada
Long
Welcome to Nunavut
WORDPLAY
Short
A Lazy Lump of Cheese
Flubbed Headlines
Warning Labels
Brits vs. Yanks
Moles and Mice
You Yell, We Shell!
Brainteasers
Fictionary
UJPORAD
Lost in Translation
Why Ask Why?
Tongue Twisters
Getting Personal
My Other Vehicle is in Orbit
Spelling Test
Uji! Hanabata!
Word Games
Ice Cream Toilets
Angels & Honey Traps
APOUJRAD
Suck Wind, Goofy Foot!
Frosted Lungs and Halibut Heads
Smudgers & Sleepers
I WILL SURVIVE
Short
Uncle John Helps Out Around the House
Uncle John Cleans Your Kitchen
Medium
Amazing Escapes
Long
BRI Survival Guide
BRI Survival Guide
MOUTHING OFF
Short
There Oughta Be a Law
The Wright Stuff
Oprah’s Insights
It’s All About Me
Happiness Is
A Room of Her Own
Ratherisms
Warholisms
Brushstrokes
Carnegie’s Wisdom
Medium
Poor Rich People
LAW AND ORDER
Short
Looney Laws
Dumb Crooks
Medium
Strange Lawsuits
Dumb Crooks
It’s a Weird, Weird Crime
Two-Timing
Police Squad
AMERICANA
Short
Welcome to Ten Sleep
Medium
Strange Tourist Attractions
The Sad Tale of Centralia
Fictional Vacation
Frontier Women
Viva La Rebellion!
TOYS AND AMUSEMENTS
Short
Party Games
What a Doll
Medium
Toy Fads
Wide World of Weird Sports
What a Doll
MYTHS AND LEGENDS
Short
What Dreams Mean
Medium
History’s Myth-Stories
Curses!
The Wind Eagle
The Death of Superman
The 12 Days of Mythmas
The Curse of the Cursing Stone
The Curse of the Little Rascals
The Curse of the Iceman
The Divine Wind
MUSIC
Short
Musical Notes
Bagpiper’s Fungus
Rocking-Chair Rockers
Medium
Unsung Heroes
The King’s Jewels
Amazing Grace
Audio Treasures
HEROES AND VILLAINS
Short
Kid Stuff
Medium
Wrong Way Corrigan
The First Black American Sea Captain
Local Hero: Leroy Gorham
The Death Ray!
REEL STUFF
Short
Hollywood Lists
Medium
“I Spy…” at the Movies
When Real Life Becomes Reel Life
Big, Starring Harrison Ford
Crazy for Star Wars
Long
The Little Rascals
*The Little Rascals Hall of Fame
ORIGINS
Medium
Car Tunes
Founding Fathers
Random Origins
What a Dish!
Boomerang!
Founding Fathers
Long
Tick Tock Timeline
*First Glass
*Phonograph Wars
THE PRINTED WORD
Medium
A Tale of a Whale
Unlikely Best Sellers
Odd Facts about Charles Dickens
First-Class Mail
Classic Hammett
Long
*Hard-Boiled
POP SCIENCE
Short
Anatomy of a Hiccup
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Let’s Do a Study!
Medium
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Earth’s Greatest Hits
Royal Purple
Strange Inventions
According to the Latest Research
Modern Maladies
Street Number Numerology
Fire 101
The Robots are Coming!
Canoe Plants
Hi Phi
According to the Latest Research
*Savant Syndrome
WORD ORIGINS
Medium
Word Origins
Word Origins
Word Origins
SPIES & CONSPIRACIES
Medium
Spy Hunt: Gray Deceiver, Part I
D. B. Cooper
It’s a Conspiracy!
Long
The Leaded Gas Conspiracy
Spy Hunt: Gray Deceiver, Part II
Spy Hunt: Gray Deceiver, Part III
ANIMALS
Short
Chicken Nuggets
Commie Crabs and Third-Reich Raccoons
Good Dog!
Bad Dog!
Hippos in the News
Medium
Animal Science
Animals in the News
Long
The Sad Fate of Murderous Mary
TRICKS & HOAXES
Short
Just Plane Weird
Medium
April Fools!
A Barrel of Laughs
Hoax!
Aunt Shari’s Amazing Powers
POLITICS
Short
Politalks
Medium
The Politically Correct Quiz #1
A Peach of an Election
&nb
sp; Senate Scuffles
The Politically Correct Quiz #2
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Famous Dropouts
Medium
Name That Voice
Celebrity Gossip
Fabulous Flop: The Delorean, Part I
Long
The Tallest Man in the World
Fabulous Flop: The Delorean, Part II
Answer Pages
* * *
Consumed at the 2005 Super Bowl in Houston, Texas
15,000 hot dogs, 9,000 gallons of soft drinks, 6,400 cookies, 4,000 baked potatoes, 3,000 barbecue sandwiches, and 261 gallons of chili. Super Bowl Sunday is the second biggest food consumption day of the year (after Thanksgiving).
A NOTE FROM YOUR FAVORITE UNCLE
Welcome one and all to our 18th edition, Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader. We think the title is a pretty accurate description of the reading material you’ll find in any Bathroom Reader. Our articles not only provide you with fun information that you can absorb fast, we hope the knowledge you gain will be long-lasting, remaining in your brain for years to come. For instance, did you know that houseflies hum in the key of F? Now you do (and you’ll probably remember it for the rest of your life).
What’s the most astonishing thing we’ve learned after 18 years of making Bathroom Readers? It’s that there’s still so much to write about, so many fascinating topics to be explored (and so many bad jokes to tell). Each year we have to dig a little deeper to find them, but once again, the remarkable BRI staff has uncovered a treasure trove of fresh new topics. So expect to find a lot of little-known historical happenings that have had a lasting impact on the future: the first African-American sea captain, the phonograph wars, and the man who gave us leaded gas. On a happier note, you’ll also read about the person who may have saved a billion lives. How? Turn to page 445.
What else have we got in store for you? Loads:
• Origins: The boomerang, the clock, the spy novel, and nachos.
• Curses! From the Ice Man to the Little Rascals.
• Pop Science: Hiccups, canoe plants, modern maladies, mad scientists, and rigor mortis.
• Sports: The long-awaited conclusion to the history of football tells the story of what happened when the pros took over.
• Duh! Dumb crooks, dumb politicians, dumb celebrities, and a woman who called 911 because she was having a cheeseburger emergency at the drive-thru window.
• Useful Information: Audio treasures, video stinkers, and survival tips that will come in handy in an array of catastrophes.
• The Strange: A beauty pageant held in a Lithuanian women’s prison, a tortoise that adopted an orphaned hippopotamus, and a toothless man who stole toothbrushes.
Now comes the part where I get to thank our dedicated staff for going the extra mile to bring you an extra-great book.
• To our in-house outhouse writers—John D, Thom, Brian, and Jay, all of whom spent hot summer days in the cool confines of our little, red house in Ashland, Oregon—great work! (And thanks for the laughs!)