Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  SAVED

  On February 23, 1821, the lookout on the Nantucket whaler Dauphin spotted the drifting whaleboat. When the sailors came up alongside, they found Pollard and Ramsdell, living skeletons, sucking the bones of their dead mates, which, according to the captain of the Dauphin, “they were loathe to part with.” Pollard and Ramsdell had spent 95 days in an open boat and had drifted 3,500 nautical miles.

  The five survivors were taken home to Nantucket. Surprisingly, they all went back to the sea. Chase, Ramsdell, Lawrence, and Nickerson all became successful sea captains. Pollard did as well, but was shipwrecked again in 1823, survived again, and then spent the remaining 45 years of his life as a night watchman…on land. Chase not only became a captain, he became an author. In 1821 he wrote a pamphlet entitled Narrative of the Most Extraordinary and Distressing Shipwreck of the Whale-Ship Essex, chronicling his sea adventure. It was a modest success. Poor health forced him to retire from the sea in 1840, and he suffered from chronic headaches the rest of his life. Shortly before his death in 1869, he was found hoarding food in the attic of his home.

  CALL ME…HERMAN?

  In 1841, 20 years after the wreck of the Essex, Owen Chase’s son, William, was hunting whales in the South Pacific in the same area in which his father’s ordeal had taken place. When a young whaler from another ship peppered him with questions about the whale that sank the ship, William Chase reached into his sea chest and gave the stranger a copy of his father’s pamphlet to read.

  The young stranger was Herman Melville. Ten years later he published an epic novel about a Nantucket whaling ship that was rammed and sunk by a huge sperm whale named Moby Dick.

  * * *

  “Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.” —Harry Truman

  Which side are you on? Monkeys have tails, apes do not.

  WELCOME TO TEN SLEEP

  Sometimes the story of how a place got its name is more interesting than the place itself.

  DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA. Gold was discovered in a nearby gulch in 1875. The gulch’s other feature: a grove of dead trees.

  BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY. 19th-century lawyers who came to the county courthouse passed their free time playing lawn bowling.

  ZIP CITY, ALABAMA. A local resident named it in the 1920s because of all the cars that rushed or “zipped” through it on the way to Tennessee, the nearest place to buy whisky legally.

  CASHTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA. Named for the Cashtown Tavern, so-called because the owner accepted only cash.

  TEN SLEEP, WYOMING. According to a method of measuring distance by local Indians, the settlement was 10 nights, or “sleeps,” from Fort Laramie, Wyoming.

  LADIESBURG, MARYLAND. Early 19th-century settlers were predominantly women, outnumbering men seven to one.

  HURRICANE, WEST VIRGINIA. A tornado destroyed a nearby forest in 1774. So why “Hurricane?” Local legend: as the tornado neared, someone yelled to Cain, the town blacksmith, “Hurry, Cain.”

  BARGAINTOWN, NEW JERSEY. Named by a land developer to lure settlers with the promise of cheap land.

  NOVI, MICHIGAN. The sixth stagecoach stop outside Detroit was marked by a sign reading “No VI.” Most travelers thought it was a word (not an abbreviation and a Roman numeral).

  GALVESTON, INDIANA. Probably got its name from Galveston, Texas, but local lore says the town’s founder looked out his window while thinking up a name and saw a “gal with a vest on.”

  More romantic than they look: Alligators “snuggle” for days before mating.

  Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS

  Everyone’s got a question they’d like answered—basic stuff, like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few questions, with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts.

  WEIGHTY QUESTION

  Q: Why doesn’t pound cake weigh a pound?

  A: “Traditionally, it was made with a pound of flour, a pound of sugar, and a pound of butter. That would make three—enough to shatter the pound barrier and cause a crash landing directly on your hips. Incidentally, the same name game is played with cupcakes. The original recipe called for one cup of each ingredient. And you thought it was because they’re baked in those cute little paper cups.” (From Crazy Plates by Janet Podleski)

  SICK OF IT ALL

  Q: Why do people get sick more often in the winter?

  A: “It is not cold feet and wet heads that are the problem, disease experts say, but the fact that human beings are warmth-loving social animals. At least in cold climates, widespread outbreaks of diseases like colds and influenza tend to start in winter months, when people spend more time together indoors in close quarters with the windows shut. The cold months also bring children, those well-known vectors of bacteria and viruses, together in the classroom, where they can pick up infections and take them home to the rest of the family.” (From The New York Times Second Book of Science Questions and Answers by C. Claiborne Ray)

  GET A LEG UP

  Q: Why do male dogs lift their leg up to urinate?

  A: “It isn’t to avoid ‘missing’ and squirting their legs by mistake. It’s to mark territory. Most dogs are compulsive in their habits and have favorite ‘watering holes.’ By lifting a leg, the urine flows up and out much farther, extending the boundaries of the male’s territory. From a dog’s point of view, evidently, the bigger the territory, the better.” (From Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses? by David Feldman)

  Americans buy over 73,000 miles of neckties each year.

  THERE’S THE RUB

  Q: How does an eraser erase pencil marks?

  A: “Look at a pencil mark under a microscope. You’ll see that it’s not continuous; it’s made up of individual black particles, a few ten-thousandths of an inch big, clinging to the paper fibers. The eraser’s job is to pluck them out. It can do that because (a) it is flexible enough to reach in between the fibers and (b) it is sticky enough to grab onto the black particles. But while the eraser is rubbing the paper, the paper’s fibers are also rubbing off pieces of the rubber. The rubbed-off shreds of rubber roll up their collected black particles into those pesky crumbs that you have to brush away.” (From What Einstein Told His Barber by Robert L. Wolke)

  TASTES LIKE…SPLEEN?

  Q: What’s really in a hot dog?

  A: “All manufacturers must list their ingredients on the label. ‘Beef,’ ‘pork,’ ‘chicken,’ ‘turkey,’ etc. can only be used if the meat comes from the muscle tissue of the animal. If you see the words ‘meat by-products’ or ‘variety meats,’ the hot dog may contain snouts, stomachs, hearts, tongues, lips, spleens, etc. Frankfurters once contained only beef and pork but now can legally contain sheep, goat, and up to 15% chicken. Hot dogs are made by grinding the meat with water, seasoning, sweeteners, preservatives, salt, and binders. (From Why Does Popcorn Pop? by Don Voorhees)

  CAN I DRIVE 55?

  Q: When a speed limit sign is posted, does that speed take effect when the driver sees it or when the driver passes it?

  A: “Speed limit signs, whether decreasing or increasing the speed limit, take effect at the time that you pass the sign and not a car length sooner. Yellow speed limit signs are there to warn drivers of potentially dangerous situations, such as sharp curves, requiring a reduction in speed. They are considered ‘advisory,’ but should you crash while maneuvering through one of these areas, you may be cited for reckless driving.” (First Coast News, by Linda Mock)

  If a chain letter were never broken, within 15 cycles the entire world would have read it.

  OPRAH’S INSIGHTS

  Oprah Winfrey’s rise from poverty to wealth, fame, and influence are the source of these inspirational words. (Maybe this will get us in her Book Club.)

  “Real integrity is doing the right thing, and knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.”

  “I don’t think of myself as a poor, deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good.”
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br />   “Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism.”

  “The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you’re willing to work.”

  “They say getting thin is the best revenge. Success is much better.”

  “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail.”

  “Though I am grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn’t changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I’m just wearing better shoes.”

  “My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.”

  “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

  “I’m black. I don’t feel burdened by it. It’s part of who I am; it does not define me.”

  “What we dwell on is who we become.”

  “Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

  “I always knew I was destined for greatness.”

  “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”

  The junk mail Americans receive in 1 day could provide enough fuel to heat 250,000 homes.

  FOUNDING FATHERS

  You know the names. Here’s a look at the people behind them.

  HOWARD DEARING JOHNSON

  In 1925 Johnson opened a soda fountain and pharmacy in Wollaston, Massachusetts. He sold a lot more sodas than pharmaceuticals, so he added beachfront ice cream and hot dog stands. Then in the late 1920s, he remade the business into a restaurant—the first Howard Johnson’s. By 1952 he’d built it into the world’s largest restaurant franchise, with more than 350 around the country (the restaurants’ orange roofs were as famous as McDonald’s golden arches are today). Two years later he opened his first motel. Today the restaurants are gone, the victim of bad management, changing times, and the rise of the fast-food industry. But the hotel chain is still going strong: as of 2005 there are nearly 500 Howard Johnson’s hotels in 14 countries around the world.

  JOSEPH BULOVA

  In 1875 Joseph Bulova, a 23-year-old immigrant from Bohemia (part of the modern-day Czech Republic), opened a jewelry store in New York City. In 1911 he expanded into clocks and pocket watches, and the following year he opened a watchmaking factory in Switzerland. When Bulova noticed during World War I that pocket watches were beginning to fall out of favor with soldiers, he introduced the product that would eventually make his name a household word: the Bulova wristwatch.

  PAUL JULIUS REUTER

  In 1849 the telegraph was only ten years old, and there was still no direct telegraph line between the two largest European cities, Berlin and Paris. The German line ended in the city of Aachen; the Paris line ended in Brussels, Belgium, 77 miles away. That year, a German named Paul Julius Reuter came up with the idea of using 45 carrier pigeons to fly stock prices from the Paris stock exchange across the gap to Berlin. The pigeons were fast, delivering news to Reuter’s clients six hours before the trains could. That’s how Reuters News Service began, but even back then Reuter understood that the real money was in sending news by telegraph, not by carrier pigeons. When a cable across the English Channel connected London and Paris in 1851, Reuters transmitted news and stock prices between the two capital cities. Newspapers that subscribed to his service reprinted the information in their papers. As the telegraph system grew, so did Reuters News Service; today it provides news and other information to more than 150 countries and is one of the largest news organizations in the world.

  Child-care guru Dr. Benjamin Spock won the 1924 Olympic gold medal in rowing.

  DR. JULES BENGUE

  In the late 1800s, Dr. Bengue, a French pharmacist, came up with a strong-smelling salve that helped ease muscle pain (the smell comes from menthol and wintergreen oil). In France it sold under the name Baume Bengue, but when it was introduced to the United States in 1898, the spelling was Americanized to Ben-Gay.

  JOE JUNEAU

  On October 3, 1880, Joe Juneau and another prospector, Richard Harris, made the first major gold discovery in Alaska—they found nuggets “as large as peas and beans” in a stream that came to be known as Gold Creek. The men established a 160-acre town site on the beach alongside the creek, and named it Harrisburgh, after Harris. But at the first town meeting, held the following February, it was decided that there were already too many Harrisburghs in the United States. So they changed the name to Rockwell, in honor of Navy commander Charles Rockwell, whom the government sent to the area to maintain order once the gold had been found. That name lasted until Joe Juneau started complaining that nothing in the area had been named after him, even though he was one of the guys who had discovered the gold. He rallied other miners to his cause, and in 1882 the name of the town was changed to…Juneau.

  * * *

  LOVED BY ANYONE?

  Patient: Doc, I can’t stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home.”

  Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.

  Patient: Is it common?

  Doctor: It’s not unusual.

  A little early for spring cleaning? The word February comes from Latin for “to cleanse.”

  IT’S ALL ABOUT ME

  Uncle John wants to know why none of these people ever says anything about him.

  “I thank you in advance for the great round of applause I’m about to get.”

  —Bo Diddley

  “Every morning when I awake, the greatest of joys is mine: that of being Salvador Dalí.”

  —Salvador Dalí

  “I have the stardom glow.”

  —Jennifer Lopez

  “I am hip-hop. Hip-hop does not happen until I do it.”

  —KRS-One

  “I’m the stuff men are made of.”

  —John Wayne

  “Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve overwhelmed the girl. They just can’t handle all the love.”

  —Justin Timberlake

  “I don’t mean to be a diva, but some days you wake up and you’re Barbra Streisand.”

  —Courtney Love

  “My name is Ted f***ing Williams and I’m the greatest hitter in baseball.”

  —Ted Williams

  “You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.”

  —Charles Barkley

  “I am beautiful, famous, and gorgeous.”

  —Anna Kournikova

  “I’m very secure with the fact that I’m not black. I’m white, pink, and rosy. But I’ve got soul.”

  —Bono

  “I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it’s not a lie.”

  —Mark Wahlberg

  “I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants, the Alpo of the NBA.”

  —Shaquille O’Neal

  “To the people I forgot, you weren’t on my mind for some reason and you probably don’t deserve any thanks anyway.”

  —Eminem

  “After the holocaust, there will still be cockroaches and Cher.”

  —Cher

  Eeek! The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

  BAD MUSICALS

  Plenty of weird concepts make it to the Broadway stage. Some are really successful. Not these.

  MUSICAL: Rockabye Hamlet (1976)

  TOTAL PERFORMANCES: 7

  STORY: Adolescent angst and rebellion are major themes in rock music—and in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. So that would make Hamlet the perfect inspiration for a rock musical, right? Wrong. Originally written as a radio play (under the title Kronberg: 1582), Rockabye Hamlet hit Broadway in 1976 with hundreds of flashing lights and an onstage band. Writers followed Shakespeare’s storyline but abandoned his dialogue. They opted instead for lines like the one Laertes s
ings to Polonius: “Good son, you return to France/Keep your divinity inside your pants.”

  Notable Song: “The Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Boogie.”

  MUSICAL: Bring Back Birdie (1981)

  TOTAL PERFORMANCES: 4

  STORY: A sequel to the 1961 hit Bye Bye Birdie. In the original, teen idol Conrad Birdie sings a farewell concert and kisses a lucky girl before joining the military (it was inspired by Elvis Presley being drafted in the 1950s). Bring Back Birdie takes place 20 years later and couldn’t have been farther from the real Elvis story—Birdie has settled down as mayor of a small town when somebody talks him into making a comeback. The only problem: audiences didn’t come back.

  Notable Moment: One night during the show’s brief run, when actor Donald O’Connor forgot the words to a song, he told the band, “You sing it. I hate this song anyway,” and walked off stage.

  MUSICAL: Via Galactica (1972)

  TOTAL PERFORMANCES: 7

  STORY: A band of hippies (led by Raul Julia) travel through outer space on an asteroid in the year 2972, searching for an uninhabited planet on which to settle “New Jerusalem.” The weightlessness of space was simulated by actors jumping on trampolines for the entire show. A rock score would have suited the 1970s counterculture themes, but for some reason songwriters Christopher Gore and Galt McDermot chose country music.

  Q: What was the Lone Ranger’s name? (Hint: his first name isn’t Lone.) A: John Reid.

  Notable Name: The original title for the show was Up!, but producers changed it because it was being staged at the Uris Theatre and the marquee would have read “Up! Uris.”

  MUSICAL: Carrie (1988)

  TOTAL PERFORMANCES: 5

  STORY: Based on Stephen King’s gory novel about a telekinetic teenager who kills everybody at her high school prom, Carrie was full of bad taste and bad ideas. It’s regarded by many critics as the biggest flop (it lost $8 million) and worst musical of all time: