Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  Bird brains: In the 12th century, many Europeans believed that trees gave birth to birds.

  Warner’s strategy for The Bridges of Madison County: target independent small-town bookstores. It worked. Bookstores recommended it to customers, who passed it along to friends. It didn’t matter that it was a romance novel, either—the book was a hit with women and men. It slowly grew into a cultural phenomenon. Thousands of fans made pilgrimages to Iowa. Waller got dozens of calls and letters every day. He recorded The Ballads of Madison County, an album inspired by his book, and even released a book of photographs of Madison County’s bridges. A 1995 film version of the book starring Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep made $176 million. But at the center of it all was the book, which stayed on the New York Times best-seller list for 164 weeks and sold 12 million copies.

  MAUS

  In 1978 illustrator Art Spiegelman began interviewing his father, Vladek, about his experiences during World War II in Poland, running from the Nazis, and eventually surviving the Auschwitz concentration camp. Spiegelman turned the interviews into Maus (German for “mouse”), a harrowing first-person account told in comic book form. Jews were depicted as mice; the Nazis as cats.

  Most book publishers wanted nothing to do with it. They thought a long comic book about World War II and concentration camps with cats and mice trivialized the Holocaust. But when Pantheon Books finally published Maus in 1986, nobody thought it was trivial. It sold 50,000 copies in its first month and eventually over 300,000 (comic books usually sell under 100,000 copies) and even made the New York Times best seller list for three months.

  Maus was the first successful “graphic novel,” a novel told entirely in panel cartoons. It showed that comics could be literary works aimed at adults. Following the release of Maus II in 1991, Spiegelman was awarded the Pulitzer Prize.

  Good night: In the 1840s, French criminals couldn’t be arrested from sundown to sunup.

  UNCLE JOHN’S CREATIVE TEACHING AWARDS

  Our yearly commendations to those teachers who make school special.

  SUBJECT: Conflict resolution

  WINNER: Paulette Baines

  CREATIVE TEACHING: In April 2005, Baines, who teaches high school in Dallas, went to the classroom of Mary Oliver, who was teaching a science class. She walked up to Oliver, yanked her out of her chair by her hair, and proceeded to drag her across the room to the door while punching her in the face. What caused the rage? Apparently Oliver had told Baines’s daughter, who attends the school, to stop loitering at her locker and get to class. Baines was arrested and charged with assault; school officials put her on administrative leave.

  SUBJECT: Sex education

  WINNER: Several kindergarten teachers in Cisnadie, Romania

  CREATIVE TEACHING: The teachers were suspended after school officials found a film of them having an after-hours sex party in the classroom. The film showed several semi-naked teachers smoking, drinking, and playing “sex games” in the children’s classroom. (The children had gone home.)

  SUBJECT: Creative writing

  WINNER: A teacher in Louisiana (name withheld by the school)

  CREATIVE TEACHING: A fourth-grade teacher at Norbert Rillieux Elementary in Waggaman, Louisiana, gave his students an assignment to write a 200-word essay. Along with the assignment, he gave each student an essay he’d written…about how much he disliked his job. “I hate my class,” read one section, “because anytime I try to do something fun, they ruin it.” Another part asked, “Are these children or animals?” Some of the “animals” were even identified by name. Outraged parents demanded the teacher be fired. One said, “You shouldn’t be a teacher if you hate kids.” The school disagreed, but promised to look into it.

  In 1981 Turkish scientists concluded that disco music made mice homosexual.

  SUBJECT: Physical education

  WINNER: Bow High School, Bow, New Hampshire

  CREATIVE TEACHING: In the fall of 2004, senior Isabel Gottlieb was informed that she still needed one class to graduate. They recommended that she drop one of her other classes—calculus or advanced placement biology—and take the required class: gym. Gottlieb (who holds varsity letters in three different sports) refused, asking, “Why would I drop AP Biology to take P.E.?” When the situation still hadn’t been resolved at the end of the school year, Bow High advised Gottlieb that they weren’t giving her a diploma. Gottlieb didn’t care: she’d already been accepted to Trinity College in Connecticut, and Trinity was willing to accept her GED. Meanwhile, Gottlieb’s mother planned a “non-graduation” party.

  SUBJECT: Anatomy

  WINNER: “Ingrid”

  CREATIVE TEACHING: A teacher at the Holdersnest high school in Harkema, Holland, became the talk of the small town after she posed nude in the Dutch magazine Foxy under the pseudonym “Ingrid.” Although parents were outraged, the school district said the teacher would not be fired or even suspended (but asked that she stay home for a week “in order to calm rumors down”). Foxy spokespeople said the magazine didn’t understand what the fuss was about, adding that they’d be publishing more photos of Ingrid in the future. An employee of a local supermarket reported that they’d sold out of the magazine.

  * * *

  OOPS!

  Melvyn Reed of Kettering, England, had an emergency heart bypass operation in August, 2005. His wife rushed in to see him. Then his wife rushed in to see him. Then his wife rushed in to see him. The three women, from different parts of England, quickly realized that their 58-year-old, car-salesman husband had been living secret lives. Result: he was sued for divorce (three times) and charged with bigamy (twice).

  The word of God? The word “and” is used 46,277 times in the King James Bible.

  WEIRD BEAUTY PAGEANTS

  If you think the Miss America contest is a little strange, put on your bikini and high heels and read about these ones.

  TITLE: Miss Artificial Beauty

  BACKGROUND: When 18-year-old Yang Yuan was barred from competing in the 2004 Miss Beijing pageant because she was “an artificial beauty” (the Chinese expression for someone who has had plastic surgery), she sued pageant organizers and lost. Consolation prize: they created the 2004 Miss Artificial Beauty pageant.

  THE PAGEANT: To qualify, entrants had to provide a doctor’s certificate as proof that they had actually undergone plastic surgery. There were 19 finalists, ranging from age 17 to 62, including one transsexual. They competed in several different categories, including “Best Body” and “Biggest Physical Change.” (The transsexual, 21-year-old Liu Xiaojing, won in the “Most Newsworthy” category.)

  AND THE WINNER IS: Feng Qian, 22, a medical student, underwent four procedures—eyelid surgery to get “Western eyelids,” facial sculpting, Botox injections, and liposuction on her cheeks and waist—not only to look beautiful, but also to “understand the psychology of someone who does this.” Feng won $6,000 and a trip to Japan to attend a plastic surgery conference.

  TITLE: Miss Beauty in Epaulettes

  BACKGROUND: This pageant is for women in the Russian army. (An “epaulette” is a shoulder ornament on military uniforms.)

  THE PAGEANT: Sixteen finalists from army posts all across Russia participated in the 2003 pageant. Beauty was only one area of competition—in addition to modeling evening gowns and combat fatigues, the women also competed in cooking, ballroom dancing, and target shooting.

  AND THE WINNER IS: Junior Sergeant Tatyana Posyvnina, a radio engineer from the St. Petersburg military district.

  Longest one-word palindrome: Saippuakivikauppias…Finnish for “soapstone merchant.”

  TITLE: Miss Captivity

  BACKGROUND: Probably the world’s first beauty pageant held in a women’s prison: Lithuania’s high-security Panevezys Penal Labor Colony. TV producer Arunas Valinskas, who came up with the idea in 2002, says he wanted to prove that you can “find beauty even where you might think there isn’t any.”

  THE PAGEANT: Thirty-eight inmates competed in a w
edding dress competition, a formal dress competition, and two bikini swimsuit competitions (one with a black leather theme and a second one featuring exotic furs). Contestants used pseudonyms instead of real names and details of their criminal records were not released to the press.

  AND THE WINNER IS: “Samanta,” a 24-year-old inmate who hopes to start a modeling career when she gets out of prison. She won a silver crown and about $2,000, which will be held for her until she is released. What are her hopes for the future? “I’d like to get out of prison right now.” Stay tuned: A Hollywood movie is in the works and there’s even talk of a Miss Captivity Europe pageant.

  TITLE: Miss Besieged Sarajevo

  BACKGROUND: When Bosnia-Herzegovina declared independence from Yugoslavia in 1992, the Serbian separatists placed the Bosnian capital under virtual siege. People trapped in Sarajevo were under constant threat of sniper and artillery attack. Yet for many this only made them more determined to live life as normally as possible. Hence the Miss Besieged Sarajevo beauty pageant, held in May 1993.

  THE PAGEANT: Thirteen semifinalists, some with shrapnel scars, competed in two events: evening dress and swimsuit competitions. Reminders of the siege were everywhere: whizzing bullets and exploding artillery shells could be heard in the background. When the contestants came onstage during the swimsuit competition, they unfurled a banner that read, “Don’t let them kill us.”

  AND THE WINNER IS: Seventeen-year-old Imela Nogic, who won a trip to Madrid. (She had to wait until the siege ended in 1995 to redeem it.) When asked by a reporter what her plans were after the pageant, she replied, “Plans? I have no plans. I may not even be alive tomorrow.”

  What, no toast? In the 1700s, people added butter to their coffee.

  RANDOM ORIGINS

  Once again, the BRI asks—and answers—the question: Where does all this stuff come from?

  CHEERLEADING

  In the late 1870s, the Princeton University football team (the Tigers) had a male pep squad that supported them from the stands with chants of “Ray, ray, ray! Tiger, tiger, sis, sis, sis! Boom, boom, boom! Aaaah! Princeton, Princeton, Princeton!” In 1884, football was introduced to the University of Minnesota, where a student named Johnny Campbell became the world’s first cheerleader: he got up in front of a crowd and urged them to chant “Rah, rah, rah” along with him to help motivate the team. Soon Campbell led five other male cheerleaders (the college was all-male). As college football spread in the early 20th century, cheerleading spread, too. The first female cheerleaders hit the sidelines in 1927 at Marquette University. (Paper pom-poms were introduced in the 1930s.)

  THE KAZOO

  Similar instruments, called mirlitons, had been used in Africa for hundreds of years, either to imitate the sounds of animals when hunting or in religious rituals. The sound comes from the user humming (not blowing air) across a membrane, which causes it to vibrate. An African-American named Alabama Vest based the modern kazoo on these instruments. He invented his in Macon, Georgia, in the 1840s. They were mass-produced to Vest’s specifications by German clockmaker Thaddeus von Clegg and were first demonstrated at the 1852 Georgia State Fair.

  HEIMLICH MANEUVER

  Throat surgeon Dr. Henry Heimlich had long noticed the high number of deaths that resulted from simple choking incidents. In the early 1970s, the common method used to relieve choking was a slap on the back. Though it sometimes worked, it often forced food farther into the windpipe, making the choker’s situation worse. Heimlich had a theory: a sudden burst of air pressure up through the esophagus would expel an obstruction. He tested it on dogs and found that it worked. Heimlich’s “maneuver” forced any food caught in the throat up, rather than down, the way a back slap sometimes did. The technique: the person applying the maneuver stands behind the victim with interlocked fingers held below the rib cage and above the navel, and pulls upward. Heimlich published his findings in 1974. Within a week, the Heimlich maneuver was used to save a person from choking. It has saved tens of thousands since.

  Q: What’s the technical name for a kazoo? A: A membranophone.

  MAD LIBS

  In November 1953, TV writer Leonard Stern was stuck trying to describe the appearance of a new character he’d created for The Honeymooners. His friend, game-show host Roger Price, was in the next room and Stern called out, “Give me an adjective.” But before Stern could finish his sentence—he’d needed a word to describe “nose”—Price responded, “Clumsy.” The two found the idea of “a clumsy nose” absurdly funny and spent the rest of the day writing short stories, then removing certain words and replacing them with blank spaces, prompting the reader for a certain part of speech: a noun, adjective, verb, etc. When the stories were read back with all the blanks filled, the results were hilarious. For the next five years, Price and Stern tried, in vain, to get Mad Libs published. Finally, in 1958, they printed up 14,000 copies themselves. By then, Stern was writing for The Steve Allen Show and convinced his boss to use Mad Libs as a comedy bit. All 14,000 copies sold out in a week.

  CONTROL-ALT-DELETE

  David Bradley was on the team that developed IBM’s first personal computer, or PC, in 1981. Given the assignment of coming up with a way to restart the computer (simply turning it off and turning it back on damaged the hardware), he came up with what he called “the three-finger salute”: the computer would restart if the “control,” “alt,” and “delete” buttons were all pressed simultaneously. Why those three buttons? Bradley figured it was nearly impossible to press that combination of keys by accident.

  * * *

  Afghani proverb: “The right answer to a fool is silence.”

  Lake Mashu, Japan, has the world’s clearest water. It’s transparent to a depth of 136 feet.

  THE DAWN OF FERTILIZATION

  We’re proud to present an example of the important role the bathroom has played in the most pivotal moments of human evolution.

  ON THE GO

  In prehistoric times, all humans were nomadic hunter-gatherers. That meant they never stayed in one place for very long. And when they had eaten all the food available in one place, they moved to a new place where they could find more food. This went on for hundreds of thousands of years.

  But very recently—about 11,000 years ago—something happened in the area known as the Fertile Crescent, today called the Middle East. The nomads stopped moving. Instead, they found a way to replenish the land after they used up its resources: they learned how to cultivate wild plants, including wheat, peas, and olives.

  Exactly how our ancestors discovered farming is one of the great mysteries of archaeology. One of the most compelling theories (from the BRI’s perspective) comes from Pulitzer Prize–winning biologist Jared Diamond, who theorizes that the agricultural revolution began in the bathroom. And it makes sense when you consider the life cycle of a plant.

  THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND THE BATHROOM

  In order to successfully reproduce, a plant must be able to spread its seeds. Ever found burrs on your socks (or on your dog) after walking through a field? That’s a plant using you to disperse its seeds. Or those fuzzy white things floating in the wind? Another method of seed dispersal.

  But those two methods are hit or miss—there’s no telling where those seeds will end up.

  One of the best ways that nature has devised to sow wild seeds is to grow them inside an edible fruit. That way when birds and other animals (including humans) eat the fruit in one place, they digest everything except the seeds, and then…deposit the seeds somewhere else. It’s a great system—the seeds are even “planted” inside a nice batch of fresh fertilizer.

  Hold on tight! The Tonga Islands in the South Pacific move nearly ¾ of an inch per year.

  SETTLING DOWN

  Back to 11,000 years ago in the Fertile Crescent.

  When our ancient ancestors moved into a new area, they gathered and ate the best examples of their favorite food crops and then moved on. When their descendants (or other groups) came back yea
r after year, generation after generation, they found the descendants of those choice plants growing in and around their old camp sites—particularly in the latrine areas.

  In his book Guns, Germs, and Steel, Diamond theorizes that these sites “may have been a testing ground of the first unconscious crop breeders.” It was this discovery, Diamond says, that gave the wanderers a reason to stop wandering and start experimenting with farming. Over subsequent generations, the people who inhabited these places became aware of their power to alter the evolution of wild plants, and, with practice, learned how to plant and harvest food on their own schedule.

  And that changed everything.

  Farming led to a food surplus, which meant that people could stay put for a while. That led to more permanent settlements, which became the first towns and cities. That led to culture, government, music, theater, writing, and finally to the pinnacle of human innovation—Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. All because of…poop.

  * * *

  A RIDDLE

  Whoever makes it, tells it not.

  Whoever takes it, knows it not.

  And whoever knows it, wants it not.

  What is it?

  A: Counterfeit money

  Lights out: Americans spend $2 billion per year on candles.