Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  First African-American to play in the NBA: Earl Lloyd of the Washington Capitols (1950).

  In August 1974 McCoy escaped from prison (he tricked the guards into letting him out of his cell with a handgun made from toothpaste and then crashed a garbage truck through the prison gate). The FBI tracked him down and three months later killed him in a shootout in Virginia.

  In 1991 former FBI agent Russell Calame wrote a book titled D. B. Cooper: The Real McCoy, in which he claimed McCoy and Cooper were the same person. He quoted Nicholas O’Hara, the FBI agent who tracked down McCoy, as saying, “When I shot Richard McCoy, I shot D. B. Cooper at the same time.” But there’s no conclusive evidence. In fact, McCoy’s widow sued for libel and won.

  Possible Suspect #2. In August 2000, a Florida widow told U.S. News and World Report that her husband was D.B. Cooper. Jo Weber claimed that shortly before his death in 1995, her husband, Duane, told her, “I’m Dan Cooper.” Later she remembered he’d talked in his sleep about jumping out of an airplane. She checked into his background and discovered he’d spent time in prison near Portland, Oregon, then found an old Northwest Airlines ticket stub from the Seattle-Tacoma airport among his papers. She found a book about D. B. Cooper in the local library—it had notations in the margins matching her husband’s handwriting.

  She relayed her suspicions to FBI Agent Ralph Himmelsbach, chief investigator on the D. B. Cooper case. To this day he insists Weber is one of the likeliest suspects he’s come across. More recently, facial recognition software was used to find the closest match to the composite picture of D. B. Cooper. Of the 3,000 photographs used (including Richard McCoy’s), Duane Weber’s was identified as the “best match.”

  Possible Suspect #3. Elsie Rodgers of Cozad, Nebraska, often told her family about the time she was hiking near the Columbia River in Washington in the 1970s and found a human head. They never really believed her until, while going through her things shortly after her death in 2000, they found a hatbox in her attic…with a human skull in it. Could that have been the remains of D. B. Cooper? And if so, what happened to the ransom money? Thirty years later, his fate remains a mystery.

  Not as fast as you think: A housefly only flies at about 4.3 mph.

  UNCLE JOHN HELPS OUT AROUND THE HOUSE

  Impress your family with these strange household tips.

  • Having trouble removing a stubborn splinter? Squirt some Elmer’s Glue on the area. When it dries, peel it off—the splinter will come off with it.

  • To protect fine china from getting scratched, put a coffee filter between each dish or teacup when you stack them.

  • Telephone getting grimy? Wipe it down with a soft cloth dipped in rubbing alcohol.

  • Lose a contact lens in your carpet? Cover the end of a vacuum hose with a stocking and secure it with a rubber band. Then vacuum, holding the hose about an inch off the carpet. The stocking will prevent the lens from being sucked in.

  • In a pinch, olive oil makes an effective (but greasy) substitute for shaving cream.

  • Used fabric softener sheets are excellent for wiping dust off computer and TV screens.

  • Adding a cup of coarse table salt to a load of wash helps prevent colors from fading.

  • You can use Silly Putty to clean the gunk off your computer keyboard (and when you’re finished you can use it to remove lint from clothes).

  • Spy tip: Mailing a sensitive document? Seal the envelope with egg white—it’s nearly impossible to steam open.

  • Wash windows on a cloudy day: sunlight makes the cleaner dry more quickly, which can cause streaks.

  • Kitty litter is good for soaking up oil and other fluids your car drips on your driveway.

  • Spice drops (similar to gum drops) make an effective bait for mousetraps.

  • To unclog a metal showerhead, unscrew it, remove the rubber washer, and simmer the showerhead in equal parts water and vinegar for about five minutes. (Soak—do not boil—plastic showerheads.)

  • If you freeze candles before you use them, they will burn slower and last longer.

  Barely half of women say color is an important factor when buying a car (60% of men do).

  YOU YELL, WE SHELL!

  Every branch of the armed services has its own set of official inspirational mottoes. And behind the scenes, they’ve got some unofficial ones, too. Here are some examples of both.

  MARINE CORPS

  Official Line: Semper Fidelis (“Always Faithful”), “Whatever It Takes,” “Make Peace or Die,” “Hell in a Helmet,” Mors De Contactus (“Death on Contact”)

  Off the Record: “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children” (USMC), “You Yell, We Shell,” “Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential, SIR!” (spells MARINES)

  ARMY

  Official Line: “It Will Be Done,” “This We’ll Defend,” “Duty, Honor, Country,” “The Sword of Freedom,” “Over, Under, and Through,” “Hell on Wheels,” “Heaven sent. Hell bent.”

  Off the Record: “Yes My Retarded A** Signed Up” (U.S. ARMY spelled backward)

  NAVY

  Official Line: “Can Do,” “Honor, Courage, Commitment,” “Always ready, always there,” “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.”

  Off the Record: “We’ve been to Hell…and it snows there too,” “You didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and I’m not here now,” “In God we trust. All others, we monitor.” (Naval Intelligence)

  AIR FORCE

  Official Line: Uno Ab Alto (“One over All”), “Attack to Defend,” “Fire from the Clouds,” “These things we do that others may live”

  Off the Record: “We were going by there anyway,” “Nobody goes until we pass them the hose” (Fuel troops), “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.” (Weapons troops)

  COAST GUARD

  Official Line: Semper Paratus (Always Ready)

  Off the Record: “Support Search and Rescue—Get Lost”

  American soldiers in Vietnam sometimes used Slinkies as radio antennas.

  STRANGE INVENTIONS

  Necessity is the mother of invention. These are its weird uncles.

  ONLINE CHICKEN PETTER

  Ever feel the need to pet a chicken but there just wasn’t one handy? Good news: the University of Singapore has invented the Touchy Internet system. “We understand the perceived eccentricity of a system for humans to interact with poultry remotely,” says developer Adrian Cheok. “But this has a much wider significance.” The device will allow people at zoos to scratch otherwise dangerous animals, such as lions or bears, and also enable people with allergies to touch their pets via the Internet.

  How it works: Users pet a chicken-shaped doll that’s hooked up to their computer, while watching a webcam image of a real chicken on the screen. Sensors on the doll relay the petting location to another computer, which then activates tiny motors in a lightweight jacket that the real chicken wears. The motors’ vibrations mimic the sensation of being petted exactly as the user at home is petting the doll. “This is the first human-poultry interaction system ever developed,” says Professor Cheok.

  BOVINE URINE NEUTRALIZER

  A New Zealand agricultural company, Summit-Quinphos, has developed a device that fits under a cow’s tail and automatically sprays a nitrate-inhibiting compound onto the ground every time she urinates. Cow urine is very high in soil-damaging nitrates, and farmers must regularly treat entire fields with expensive chemicals to neutralize it. The device is activated when the cow lifts its tail and sprays the ground where the cow has just peed. It could potentially save farmers a lot of money and labor.

  MOBILE MORNING ANNOYER

  Gauri Nanda, a research associate at MIT, has come up with a unique alarm clock. The device (he calls it “Clocky”) has two rubber wheels and is covered in thick shag carpet. When the sleepy person hits the “snooze” button, a motor is activated and the clock rolls off the bedside table and around the room, bumping into things until a built-in computer chip randomly decides when it
will stop. Minutes later the alarm goes off again, forcing the sleeper to get up and look for it. “In designing Clocky,” Nanda writes, “I was in part inspired by kittens I’ve had that would bite my toes every morning.” He said it’s “less of an annoying device than it is a troublesome pet that you love anyway. It’s also a bit ugly.”

  A woman wearing stiletto heels exerts 552 pounds of pressure per square inch at the heel.

  REMOTE HUGGER

  Francesca Rosella, the owner of an Italian design company called CuteCircuit, has developed a T-shirt that she says can send a hug to a faraway loved one. The “F+R shirts” (Rosella’s initials) employ built-in sensors that store information such as the body temperature and heart rate of a distant loved one. Using a cell phone, the caller “calls” the shirt, and the sensors, located in the upper arms, shoulders, back, and hips, cause small pads to inflate and deflate, as well as heat up, mimicking a hug. Rosella says the shirts are perfect for people in long-distance relationships.

  MARRIAGE-SAVING WASHER

  In 2005 Spanish inventor Pep Torres invented a washing machine designed to help create equality between spouses. The “Your Turn” has a fingerprint sensor that must be touched before the washer will start…and it won’t let the same person start the machine two times in a row. “I thought it would be good for the macho man who doesn’t do anything around the house except drink beer,” the Barcelona designer told the BBC’s Everywomen TV show. The washer was expected to go on sale in time for Father’s Day.

  AUTOMATIC ENTERTAINER

  In 2004 Jimmy Or, a student at Waseda University in Tokyo, invented a robot that belly dances. He says he was inspired by actress Lucy Liu in the movie Charlie’s Angels. Her movements reminded him of the eel-like lamprey as it swims through the water. “I decided to work on my idea secretly,” he said. He built a computer program that mimics the lamprey’s primitive neural network, which controls its slithery movement. Result: the Waseda Belly Dancer No. 1, a short, squat robot with a flexible spine. The WBD #1 wears a low-hanging skirt while it dances; Or says he’s looking for some jewelry for it, too.

  Times change: Until about 100 years ago, jump rope was considered a boy’s game.

  UNPLANNED WORLD RECORDS

  Some people try their entire lives to make it into the pages of the Guinness Book of World Records; other people get in without even trying…and wish they hadn’t.

  RECORD: Only person in recorded medical history to have been both a dwarf and a giant

  STORY: Born in Austria in 1899, Adam Rainer was just under 3’ 11” tall when he turned 21, which classified him as a dwarf. But then he started growing…rapidly. By his 32nd birthday he had topped out at 7’ 2” tall. The strain was too much on his body—he spent the rest of his life in bed and died at the age of 51.

  RECORD: Longest fall without a parachute (and surviving)

  STORY: Twenty-three-year-old Vesna Vulovic was working aboard a Jugoslovenski Aerotransport on January 26, 1972, when it exploded over Srbska Kamenice, Czechoslovakia, while travelling at 33,330 feet. Vulovic was knocked into the tail section of the plane and plummeted all the way to the ground. She spent 23 days in a coma and another six months in the hospital, but she survived.

  RECORD: Most bombs defused

  STORY: From 1945 to 1957, Werner Stephan, a member of the West Berlin bomb squad, is documented to have defused more than 8,000. (He was killed by a grenade explosion in August 1957.)

  RECORD: Worst kidney blockage

  STORY: Ever heard of a condition called hydronephrosis? That’s when your kidney becomes enlarged due to an obstruction in urine flow. In June 1999 a 35-year-old Egyptian man checked into a Saudi Arabian hospital with the complaint. Doctors removed 5.8 gallons of obstructed urine from the diseased kidney. (Three weeks later the kidney had to be removed, too.)

  Shakespear spelled his own name four different ways in his will.

  RECORD: Least successful published author.

  STORY: Over a period of 18 years, William A. Gold wrote eight books and seven novels for a total of 3 million words before making his first sale to a newspaper in Canberra, Australia. Gold’s total career earnings: 50 cents. “Until this bonanza,” Guinness notes, “his closest approach to success has been the publication in 1958 of a 150-word book review in the Workers Education Association Bulletin in Adelaide, Australia, on the clear understanding that it would be published only if he did not demand a fee.”

  RECORD: Longest survival adrift at sea

  STORY: Captain Oguri Jukichi and a sailor named Otokichi were sailing off the Japanese coast in October 1813 when their ship was disabled in a storm. They floated all the way across the Pacific and were rescued by an American ship off the California coast on March 24, 1815. Total time at sea: 484 days.

  RECORD: Worst electric shock (and surviving)

  STORY: On November 9, 1967, 17-year-old Brian Litasa touched a live “ultra-high-voltage” power line in Los Angeles and lived to tell the tale. Estimated shock: 230,000 volts.

  RECORD: Fastest-flopping play

  STORY: Lots of plays die after just one performance. The Intimate Revue, which opened at London’s Duchess Theater on March 11, 1930, died after only half of one. The production was so unwieldy that the management scrapped seven scenes to ensure that the play would end at midnight. The play was never staged again.

  RECORD: Deepest ocean escape without equipment

  STORY: On September 28, 1970, Richard Slater had just finished raising a sunken boat near California’s Catalina Island when the boat broke loose from the surface ship and plunged back into the sea. Slater, in a submersible, was still on the seabed 225 feet beneath the surface when the boat crashed into his vessel, breaching the hull. He was able to open the hatch and float to the surface, which took an estimated 2½ to 3 minutes. He was found floating face-down, unconscious, and not breathing, but was revived and went on to make a full recovery.

  The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin, Ireland, has a 6,000-year lease.

  THE FIRST BLACK AMERICAN SEA CAPTAIN

  Born into bondage, Robert Smalls rose from slavery to the halls of Congress. In between, he helped the Union win the Civil War by doing what no black American had ever done before—he commanded a naval vessel.

  AT HOME ON THE WATER

  Robert Smalls was born a slave on April 5, 1839, in the coastal town of Beaufort, South Carolina. His first taste of a sailor’s life came at 12 years old when his master hired him out to work at a shipyard in Charleston Harbor. Smalls took to it, displaying a natural talent for seamanship. By 19, he had risen to the highest sea rank available to a slave: a ship’s pilot. Although Smalls could neither read nor write, his photographic memory recalled every bar, shoal, and current in Charleston Harbor.

  In 1858 Smalls married another slave, Hannah Jones, and two years later they had a son, Robert Jr. Being a respected sea pilot, Smalls’s life was better than that of most slaves…but he was still a slave. Longing to be his own master, he set out to buy his family’s freedom. And he almost did it—Smalls had saved $700 of the $800 purchasing price when the Civil War broke out in 1861. Then everybody’s life was put on hold.

  STEALING A SHIP

  The Confederate army immediately put the 22-year-old Smalls to work doing what he did best: piloting a vessel. He was given the wheel of the CSS Planter (formerly the USS Planter), a 147-foot-long steamboat. With Smalls at the helm taking orders from Captain Charles Relyea, the ship hauled ordnance and supplies to the rebel forts guarding Charleston. A few miles offshore lay a fleet of blockading Union ships, and Smalls knew that freedom awaited him in that blockade. He formed a plan.

  First, he studied the voice and speech patterns of Captain Relyea. Smalls was raised speaking “gullah,” a creole dialect of English indigenous to the Sea Islands of South Carolina. Captain Relyea, on the other hand, spoke in the “propuh Suthuhn” dialect. After spending weeks secretly mimicking his captain, Smalls was ready.

  A standard drop of water
weighs 0.9493 grams.

  On May 12, 1862, Captain Relyea attended a party and decided to spend the night ashore. With the captain and white crew landlocked, the black crew was left in charge of the ship, which was not uncommon—they were well within Southern strongholds, protected by the guns of Fort Sumter. Smalls had counted on this; he smuggled his wife, his son, and 13 other slaves aboard. On May 13 at 3 a.m., the ship slowly pulled away from the dock, supposedly to take its place as a picket ship guarding the harbor. Smalls put on the captain’s uniform—including the broad-brimmed hat, which shadowed his dark face—and sounded the proper whistle signals when the Planter passed Confederate forts. At 4 a.m., as the ship passed under the guns of Fort Sumter, he was ordered to halt and state his destination. Smalls mimicked Relyea’s voice, said all the right things, and was allowed to continue. When they were out of range of the rebel batteries, Smalls lowered the Confederate flag.

  As the sun came up, the CSS Planter was sailing right into the Union blockade. The first ship she approached was the USS Onward—and her captain was preparing to fire on the Confederate vessel. But Smalls put their fears to rest when he waved a large white flag and shouted out a friendly greeting: “Good morning, sir! I have brought you some of the old United States guns!”

  WAR HERO

  The daring escape made headlines in the North, hailing Smalls for his cunning and guile. This led to a meeting with President Lincoln in August. Smalls so impressed the Union leader that Lincoln took the politically dangerous step of authorizing 5,000 blacks to be recruited for military service. Before the war ended three years later, more than 180,000 black American volunteers would serve in Lincoln’s army—most of them former slaves.