Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  • Most recognizable piece of Western music: the opening of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony (duh-duh duh-duuuh).

  • Clarinets are made from the wood of the granadilla tree.

  • Most frequently sung songs in English: “Happy Birthday,” “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow,” and “Auld Lang Syne.”

  • Written music, as we know it today, originated in the 1200s.

  • Mozart wrote the overture to his opera Don Giovanni in one sitting. It was first performed the very next day, with no rehearsals.

  • The trombone is based on a medieval instrument with a much better name: the sackbut.

  • Florida state song: Stephen Foster’s “Old Folks at Home.”

  • For an album to go “gold” in the United States, it must sell 500,000 copies. For England it’s 100,000; Canada, 50,000; New Zealand, 7,500.

  • Oldest piece of music found: a choral work from 408 B.C. used in a performance of the Greek play The Orestia.

  • “Guitar” comes from kithara, the name of an instrument popular in ancient Greece.

  • There are more than 10 million pianos in the U.S.

  • The first flutes originated 20,000 years ago. They were made of reindeer antlers.

  • British scientists say chickens produce more eggs if they listen to easy listening or Top 40 radio. (They hate heavy metal, opera, and jazz.)

  Ostriches can swim.

  ACCORDING TO THE LATEST RESEARCH

  It seems as though practically every day there’s a report on some scientific study with dramatic new info on what we should eat…or how we should act…or who we really are underneath it all. Some are pretty interesting. Did you know, for example, that science says…

  E-MAIL ROTS YOUR BRAIN

  Study: In 2004 scientists at the King’s College, London University were commissioned by Hewlett-Packard to see what toll compulsive e-mail checking and Internet chatting have on a worker’s “functioning IQ.” Eighty volunteers participated in clinical trials and another 1,100 people were interviewed for the study.

  Findings: Sixty-two percent of the interviewees were “addicted” to checking e-mail and exchanging text messages, which they did not only at their desks, but also “during meetings, in the evenings, and on weekends.” The scientists dubbed this phenomenon “infomania.”

  • Info-mania takes a noticeable toll on productivity. “An average worker’s functioning IQ falls 10 points when distracted by ringing telephones and incoming e-mails…more than double the four-point drop seen in studies on the impact of smoking marijuana,” the scientists concluded. A 10-point drop is the equivalent of trying to put in a full day of work after missing an entire night of sleep.

  TRAFFIC JAMS CAN KILL YOU

  Study: Researchers with Germany’s National Research Center for Environment and Health interviewed 691 people who’d suffered heart attacks between 1999 and 2001. The researchers asked them to describe all of their activities in the four days leading up to their heart attacks. The results of the study were published in the November 2004 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

  Findings: People who’ve been stuck in traffic in the past hour are nearly three times more likely to suffer a heart attack than people who haven’t been stuck in traffic. Overall, nearly 1 in 12 heart attacks was linked in some way to traffic congestion. Men are at a greater risk than women, and people over age 60 are at a greater risk than those under 60.

  BOOM! The sound of thunder travels at about 1,100 feet per second.

  • If you have to be stuck in traffic, you’re actually better off in a car than you would be riding the bus, the subway, or a bicycle. Heart attacks were 2.6 times more likely for people stuck in a car, 3.1 times more likely for people on public transportation, and 3.9 times greater for bike riders. “Because the association was also observed for persons who used public transportation, it is unlikely that the effect is entirely attributable to the stress linked with driving a car,” researchers say.

  • So is it the stress associated with being stuck in traffic that causes heart attacks, or is it the exhaust fumes—or some other factor? Who knows? “Given our current knowledge, it is impossible to determine the relative contribution of risk factors such as stress and traffic-related air pollution,” the researchers say.

  DUDES SAY “DUDE” MORE THAN DUDETTES DO

  Study: In 2004 University of Pittsburgh linguist-dude Scott Kiesling published a paper in the journal American Speech on the word “dude” and its many uses.

  Findings: Blame it on Spicoli, dude: Kiesling traces the current popularity of the word “dude” to the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, featuring that Sean Penn dude.

  • Men are more likely to use the word “dude” than women are. They’re also more likely to use it with men than with women. When they do use it with women, the woman is usually just a friend; women with whom dudes are intimate are rarely if ever referred to as “dude.”

  • According to Kiesling, “dude” owes much of its popularity to the fact that it connotes “cool solidarity”—young men use it to express friendship or closeness, without being so close as to invite suspicion that they are gay. Dude!

  * * *

  “Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind.”

  —Gioacchino Rossini, composer

  The phrase “United we stand, divided we fall” was a moral in one of Aesop’s fables.

  A PEACH OF AN ELECTION

  The strange events surrounding the 1946 Georgia gubernatorial election may read like the plot of a Marx brothers movie. But this really happened.

  IT ENDS IN A DEAD HEAT

  In November 1946, Democrat Eugene Talmadge won a fourth (nonconsecutive) term as governor of Georgia, defeating the unpopular incumbent, Ellis Arnall. But on December 21, 1946—a month before he was supposed to be sworn in—governor-elect Talmadge died of cirrhosis of the liver. As of January 1947 Georgia would have no governor…or perhaps it would have three.

  Governor #1: Herman Talmadge. Eugene Talmadge’s son, Herman, knew before the election what the public didn’t—his father was dying. Herman wanted his father’s job, so he had organized a write-in campaign for himself in the 1946 election. He knew that if his father won and then died before taking office, there’d be a runoff election between the next two highest vote getters. Herman aimed to finish in the top three and then win the runoff based on public love and sympathy for the elder Talmadge. It worked: He came in second to his father.

  Governor #2: M. E. Thompson. In many states, when a governor dies, the lieutenant governor assumes the executive office. Georgia had only created the post of lieutenant governor in 1945 and the first lieutenant governor was to be elected in the 1946 general election. The winner: Talmadge rival M. E. Thompson. His position was that even though he hadn’t yet been sworn in as lieutenant governor-elect, technically he was next in line for the governor’s job.

  Governor #3: Ellis Arnall. Arnall, who lost to Eugene Talmadge, actually was the sitting governor, and as such, refused to vacate his office until the Georgia Supreme Court could decide who the new governor would be.

  Put down that swatter! 80% of the world’s food crops are pollinated by insects.

  THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW

  But it wasn’t up to the Supreme Court; it was in the hands of the Georgia General Assembly (the legislature), which had the constitutional authority to decide contested elections. When the Assembly met in January 1947, the majority of members were against the idea of having another election—they favored giving the governorship to Herman Talmadge because he’d finished second in votes. Furthermore, Talmadge supporters argued, the new lieutenant governor, M.E. Thompson, had no claim to the office because he hadn’t yet taken office himself, and therefore couldn’t be a successor.

  Thompson wasn’t going down without a fight. His supporters plied pro-Talmadge legislators with drinks that were laced with knockout drops. Thompson figured that if the Talmadge faction fell asleep, they couldn’t ver
y well vote for Talmadge, giving Thompson backers an easy win. But the vote never took place. It was prevented when Talmadge supporters found out about Thompson’s scheme and stormed the capitol building. “There were several thousand people there, 90 percent of them my friends—some of them armed,” Talmadge later recalled. “And some of them drunk.”

  MINOR SETBACK

  Meanwhile, ballot recounts showed that Herman Talmadge hadn’t finished second in the election after all. He’d actually finished third, making him ineligible for any claim at governor. Did that eliminate him from the running? Nope. Later that week, a bunch of ballots from Telfair County (Talmadge’s home county) were suddenly “discovered” and sent to the Capitol. That put Talmadge back into contention for what looked to be a runoff vote with Arnall. (Historians later found that all the late ballots were written in the same handwriting and cast in alphabetical order by deceased voters.)

  Amazingly, the Assembly opted against a runoff and hurriedly appointed Talmadge governor on January 15, 1947. The only problem: the incumbent, Ellis Arnall, refused to acknowledge Talmadge’s appointment. He locked himself inside the governor’s office and would not leave…until a Talmadge mob stormed the office, broke the door down, and forcibly removed him. As Arnall later recalled, “The lock splintered with a crash and the mobpoured into the office. A pathway opened in the crowd, and the young son of the dead governor-elect of Georgia was led through the office on the arm of his chief advisor. Behind them trailed a committee of legislators and a giant professional wrestler who had been the strong-arm man for the faction.”

  On average, it costs twice as much to dine out as it does to eat at home.

  BACKROOM BARGAIN

  As the mob escorted Arnall from the governor’s office, he changed his plan. He would no longer focus on remaining governor, but on unseating Talmadge. Still declaring himself the acting governor, Arnall worked out a deal with the now sworn-in lieutenant governor, M.E. Thompson: Arnall would “resign” and Thompson would become governor. Now the number of potential governors was down to two…and Arnall would get what he really wanted: The debacle would be decided by the Georgia Supreme Court.

  At this point, Talmadge and Thompson each claimed to be the rightful governor. But who actually was the governor? Georgia Secretary of State Ben Fortson didn’t know, but he wasn’t taking any chances—he began sitting on or sleeping with the state seal, which was needed by the governor (whoever it was) to make certain documents legal. With neither man able to perform the functions of the job, they took the fight to court.

  DISORDER IN THE COURT

  In March 1947, the Georgia Supreme Court declared Thompson acting governor. Their reasoning: the General Assembly had acted improperly in its January sessions. According to the court, they should have declared Eugene Talmadge the governor-elect, even though he was dead. That would mean the next in line, the lieutenant governor-elect, Thompson, would be the successor.

  Or would he? The court also ordered a special election to be held in 1948, mostly to avoid any more Talmadge-organized mobs and riots. Thompson would serve until then. The legitimate winner of the 1948 election was Herman Talmadge. In the final analysis, all three men vying for the office—Talmadge, Thompson, and Arnall—served as governor of Georgia. Although the controversy seems comical today, at the time it was a great embarrassment for Georgia, and it still ranks as one of the weirdest political moments in American history.

  Boom boom: Athens, Georgia, is home to the only double-barreled cannon ever made.

  PLOP, PLOP, QUIZ, QUIZ

  Since this is our Fast-Acting, Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader, we thought it might be fun to test our ad slogan IQ. How many products and brands can you recognize by their slogans? Answers are on page 518.

  1. “Good to the last drop.”

  2. “You’re in good hands.”

  3. “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.”

  4. “A little dab’ll do ya.”

  5. “When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.”

  6. “The beer that made Milwaukee famous.”

  7. “We answer to a higher authority.”

  8. “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.”

  9. “When it rains, it pours!”

  10. “Don’t leave home without it.”

  11. “Ask the man who owns one.”

  12. “I liked it so much I bought the company.”

  13. “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”

  14. “Reach out and touch someone.”

  15. “Let your fingers do the walking.”

  16. “It keeps going, and going, and going.”

  17. “Come to where the flavor is.”

  18. “It helps the hurt stop hurting.”

  19. “It does a body good.”

  20. “It’s what’s for dinner.”

  21. “We love to fly and it shows.”

  22. “And we thank you for your support.”

  23. “Rich Corinthian leather.”

  24. “Celebrate the moments of your life.”

  25. “Manly, yes, but I like it, too.”

  26. “Generation Next.”

  27. “We’ll leave the light on for you.”

  28. “Better living through chemistry.”

  Better people…or better criminals? Only 12% of those arrested for murder are women.

  ROCKING-CHAIR ROCKERS

  It’s easy to say “hope I die before I get old” when you’re 20. But what about when you’re 50 or 60? Here’s what these golden oldies have to say.

  “Don’t talk to me about getting old, ’cause I’m not old yet.”

  —Tina Turner, 67

  “People love talking about when they were young and heard ‘Honky Tonk Women’ for the first time. It’s quite a heavy load to carry the memories of so many people. I like it but I must be careful not to get trapped in the past. That’s why I tend to forget my songs.”

  —Mick Jagger, 62

  “Somebody said to me this morning, ‘To what do you attribute your longevity?’ I don’t know. I mean, by all accounts I should be dead.”

  —Ozzy Osbourne, 51

  “Music is forever; music should grow and mature with you, following you right on up until you die.”

  —Paul Simon, 63

  “Getting old is fascinating. The older you get, the older you want to get.”

  —Keith Richards, 62

  “In this business it takes time to be really good—and by that time, you’re obsolete.”

  —Cher, 52

  “Neil Young doesn’t like the old groups getting together. He goes on about all us dinosaurs digging out our old songs forever. But as John Lennon said, ‘It takes a hypocrite to know a hypocrite.’”

  —Pete Townshend, 60

  “I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.”

  —Peter Gabriel, 55

  “People still think I wear bright glasses and high-heeled shoes. That’s not happened since the ’70s. But you know, you create a persona and you are going to have to live with it whether you like it or not.”

  —Elton John, 58

  “Musicians don’t retire; they stop when there’s no more music in them.”

  —Louis Armstrong, 69

  In 1990 the French government created a new cabinet position: Le Ministry du Rock ‘n’ Roll.

  NAME YOUR POISON

  What’s the difference between Scotch and bourbon? Vodka and gin? Port and sherry? We’ve always wondered, so we looked them up.

  WHERE ALCOHOL COMES FROM

  Ethyl alcohol (the kind you can drink) is created by a process known as fermentation. Yeast is added to fruit juice or a “mash” (a cooked mixture of grain and water), and the yeast consumes the sugars, creating two by-products: carbon dioxide and alcohol. But there’s a natural limit to this process. When the alcohol content of the mixture reaches about 15 percent, the yeast loses its ability to convert any more sugars into alcohol. If you want alcohol with a stron
ger kick than that, you have to continue on to a second process: distillation.

  Distilled spirits are made in a device called a still, which consists of a boiler, a condenser, and a collector. The fermented liquid is heated in the boiler to at least 173°F, the boiling point for alcohol. All the alcohol (and some of the water) boils off in the form of vapor. The vapor flows into the condenser, where it cools back to liquid form and is collected in the collector. The process can be repeated to increase the alcohol content even further.

  All distilled liquor is colorless when it is first made, but it can darken during the aging process, especially when aged in wooden barrels or casks. Some manufacturers use caramel or artificial coloring to darken their spirits.

  BAR CODES

  • Whiskey. The word comes from the Gaelic uisce beatha, meaning “water of life.” It’s alcohol distilled from fermented grains such as barley, rye, corn, wheat, or a combination. In Ireland and the United States, whiskey is spelled with an “e.” In Scotland, Canada, and Japan, it’s spelled whisky.

  • Scotch. Whiskey made in Scotland. According to international law, only whiskey made in Scotland may be called Scotch.

  • Bourbon. American whiskey of the type originally made in Bourbon County, Kentucky, typically made from 70 percent corn and 30 percent wheat, rye, or other grains. Tennessee whiskey is similar to bourbon, except that it’s produced in—you guessed it—Tennessee. It is filtered through a ten-foot layer of maple charcoal, which gives it a milder, distinctive flavor.

  Bow Wow! For ten years, the mayor of Sunol, California, was a dog named Bosco.

  • Brandy. Alcohol distilled from fermented fruit juices. Brandy is short for brandywine, which comes from the Dutch brandewijn, which means “burnt wine.” It can be made from grapes, blackberries, apples, plums, or other fruits. Cognac is a type of brandy produced in the Cognac region of France.